Lisa22 Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 This is my first post. Well these past two years have been the most hellish years of my life and I'm praying that 2014 really brings new and better things. So here's my story...officially broke up with my ex-fiancé after 12 years together and six years living together!!He's been my best friend, first love, biggest love and has literally been in my life for half of my life! Every memory I can remember includes him and every hope and dream for the future included us! We had hoped on getting married and starting a family in the next two years! In hindsight, we've had our differences And there were things I struggled with like our inability to have meaningful conversations about things that interested me, his messed up family and the fact that he was a budding alcoholic! In spite of all if this I loved him with All of my heart and more than anything and anyone! And he always made me Feel just as loved and just as important! But things changed drastically two years ago when he started having an emotional Affair that took me 6 months to find out about! needless to say I was destroyed especially since I had just had a miscarriage and Grad school was kicking my ass! I spent the next year trying to work and save our relationship- we always functioned like A married couple so I felt I was saving our marriage. He claimed to want to do the same but wouldn't admit to having an affair just because it wasn't physical! After couples therapy, countless money on books about saving relationships after infidelity, tons of fights, my depression, neglecting school, etc.. I come To find out 2 months ago that he was going to be a dad within the next month by the same woman we were fighting about for the past year!! Apparently they had a one night stand back in feb ( same month I was mourning year anniversary of miscarriage)! The OW decided to tell him she was pregnant after a 6 months and he says he was trying to find away to tell me! Fast forward To now... He told me he doesn't want to be with her but does want to be in the baby's life and felt we needed to separate because he couldn't be there for me the way he knew he should be. (Baby lives one state over)! So I had to find a place to live, figure out how to support myself (I'm in a full time grad program) and just started letting him take over our finances and keep my sanity. I finally moved out (so did he)- living with each other while broken up and after baby was born was the definition of HELL!! I know he's an ass, and he's been both cruel and cold at times and then loving and heartbroken other moments!! I know I should hate him more than anything for putting me through hell, lying to me, and making me feel like I was crazy this past year for not trusting him!! But I can't stop thinking about him and shut off my feelings!!It's only been 2 weeks since we moved and I know I need to have no contact but it's so hard to let go!! I've learned to fall in love with him all over again during the couples work we were doing! And he stayed in the state I'm living in for school "just in case" I need him or something because "he loves and cares about me". Even though he will be away every weekend to be with his son a state over! I don't know how to do this! The last time I was single I was in high school and 18! I've loved him forever and in a hundred years would never have believed he would do this to me. All of this drama has made me crazy, I've had insane anxiety, depression and now in jeopardy of losing my academic status in grad school! How have others gotten through this? How do u resist texting or thinking about your ex every minute of the day??
headinthecloud Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Your story was hard to read - no paragraphs - so please add spaces to breakup the text. I'm sorry you're going through this. Your relationship (RS) with him is very toxic - he is a cheater. The healing process starts by letting go of him, and going NC is the only was to do this. Emotional affairs are even worse than physical affairs, in my opinion (IMO). But an affair is an affair - its infidelity - and he betrayed you multiple times. He broke your trust and without trust in a RS you have nothing. He's also killed your self esteem, you need to rebuild it. Read the links in my signature, the are a good start. And start getting healthy and focusing on you. You will get through this, but it takes hard work. You will find someone else so kick this ***hole to the curb. Start by letting go of what could have been. 1
Author Lisa22 Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 Thank you for your great advice! And sorry bout the formatting of the post! Your completely spot on that this relationship was/is toxic and very accurate about my self esteem being killed- it's helpful to have others validate ur feelings and experience as well as remind you that it's possible to move forward and get through this, and taking care of me is the only way through this! Thank you! 2
bob the brave Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 wow, I can only imagine the pain you must be in. Sweetheart I am so sorry for you. You literally had your love, your life, your future ripped from you by the one person you were supposed to trust most. This is going to take some time to heal. But, htc is right, I think it is best to let go as fast and complete as possible. I really doubt it was a one-night stand. You've been had, you've been wronged. But you're the good one here. Now, just concentrate on yourself. Get through school and worry about love later. I had a boss the married 5 times and loved them all! Your emotional reliance on him has kept you penned in, but now you are free to find a real man out there just waiting for you 1
headinthecloud Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 Thank you for your great advice! And sorry bout the formatting of the post! Your completely spot on that this relationship was/is toxic and very accurate about my self esteem being killed- it's helpful to have others validate ur feelings and experience as well as remind you that it's possible to move forward and get through this, and taking care of me is the only way through this! Thank you! Post here as often as you need to, you're not alone. You can do this. It's a rocky road but you will overcome it. Merry Christmas!
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