Styrene Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Morning all, long time lurker for years and decided to register for some advice as something has been playing on my mind for the last month, I have yet to reach a resolution on my own, heart and brain are at a stalemate. Firstly let me thank all of you no this forum for the stories, advice and insight. It has been a huge help over the years, especially when one has no one to talk to. That saying, I will summarise my story with a bit of context so it's hopefully not too long a read, also I'm not sure where to put this post so I hope it's go the right place. So here's the story: Context My best friend (of circa 20 years) and our mutual friend from school. (3 of them around 15 years plus SO's) Was extremely tight with his family (3 sons, 1 daughter, four cousins, uncles, aunts, etc...very big family) We all went to school together, hung out, tight group. Story (age at time of event, me: 26, her:18) Spent two weeks after her birthday (april) at their house hanging out as I was not working at the time. The 'bro's' were working so I spent all day everyday with her. We developed feelings for each other. I had huge reservations and told her I would only be with her if the entire family including the eldest brother, my best friend, green lit it. One by one we asked, one by one we got the okay. Best friend expressed concern at possible future break up fall out but gave huge blessing to me. September 2007(I think) Things have been great, by this time we had been intimate. Her first time, think it was more of a big deal for me considering the circumstances. Middle brothers wedding to long term girlfriend and group friend. Day after party is the week before then girlfriend goes to uni, far away. I ask to see her before she goes, she says she's busy with the brides family (came over from another country) As I couldn't see her, wrote a letter instead. Suggestions on how to make this work and a get out of jail free card should she want to be single. Heard nothing all week, she left without saying goodbye. Figured she was too busy, emailed once following week, no reply. Freshers week at uni, so again figured she was too busy. Three weeks go by with no contact, finally manage to catch her on facebook, get dumped. Utterly broken, write her a letter about things, usual mistakes. Then go NC, quit my job (this is end of 2008 iirc) prepare to go back to uni myself, and move to london, myself for a career change. 2009 In London, at uni, still broken. But miles better. By this time, best friends fears had crystallised but for me, not her. I had slowly fractured from the group. Absent at birthdays, gatherings at her families house, anywhere she was, I wasn't and considering our mutual tight group I didn't see my friends as much. Best friend knows I care for her deeply. Somewhere around this time (2010 maybe) she breaks NC over facebook. Says she was reading all our old messages. Apologised for the way she treated me, said she would do it differently, regrets blah blah. I accept apology and offer my own for my role in it. I go back 'home' to her birthday party at the house (2011) see friends and her family (she has a boyfriend by this time) Too upsetting for me, go NC again. 2012 See her at mutual friends wedding. We get to talking, very uncomfortable for me but I deal with it. Things quickly get back to normal as the alcohol flows. She contacts me a few days later for a meet. We go to Hyde Park to watch the olympics. She stays at mine for the night, kisses me. Find out (many txts a day after) she's planning on dumping her boyfriend (she graduated in 2011 and they had 'settled' in a house go her hometown) We spent the rest me the year together (I graduated in july of 2012, moved back to parents home in neighbouring town whilst I found a job in london) We went to kew gardens, spent the day there, I kissed her later on. I, stupidly, initiated a fwb situation after she revealed some 'saucy' stuff she had been thinking about me. We're now sleeping together. It gets complicated for me for various reasons. I figure out I'm a rebound and she's messing around with other guys, this crushs me all over again, I feel led on by talk of 'us'. I write a letter...I like letters apparently. She takes two weeks to get back to me, says all the right stuff, apparently she cares deeply, we have unfinished business, but she wants to go travelling. I call a mutual friend round and break down (she didn't want me to tell anyone about us, hiding that from my best friend was a huge burden. incidentally, I found out a few months ago that, 4 months after I had him round my house telling him I still love her, he got drunk on his birthday and said to a mutual friend he really liked her. Snake, lets call him 'Cob') I replied with 'fine'. She sent a few messages after, saying something along the lines of still wanting to hang out etc. I said that the best thing for me was to get back to london and move on. Then I went NC She blew up my phone over the coming months (november to january) with 'I miss you's', 'thinking of you's, at one point she baited me by saying she had picked up her middle brother and that she could come round on the way home if I wanted to see him. It was a full court press, but I kept NC and moved back to london. Near the end. She breaks NC a couple of times at the beginning of this year. She asked if I was going to Cobs birthday and if I would take issue with her going. I said, she didn't need to ask and I didn't mind either way. Actually I did. I never turned up. I guess that's when Cob found it amn opportunity, but that's another story rife with speculation. Around August she broke NC again asking for a meet. I expressed reservations but eventually said yes. We talked about me working on films and her travel. She invited cob out to join us (I don't trust him by this point) and we all have a laugh. I leave to go to the toilet and come back, cob abruptly changes the conversation, one of those 'you were blatantly talking about me' moments. After this 'chaperoned' meeting, there's a bit of LC between us. She asks to meet again, on the fourth time I accept. This was the weekend before last, we went to a gig, the next day we played games together, nothing happened between us except fun. She invited me to spend boxing day at hers and sweetend the proposal by saying everyone (the whole massive family) would love to see me. Which brings me to my question, I still really like this girl. Part of me is saying she's reaching out an d I should go spend it with her (I do really want to see my best friend again too) The other part is telling me I should say no because her intentions are not clear, I can't be her friend and I will get hurt again So given the back story, what should I do? Should I say no, stop seeing her and go NC? Or spend boxing day with her and her family and...?
lil hoodlum Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Take my advice with a pinch of salt. Do you really want to continue wondering what if?
Author Styrene Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 Take my advice with a pinch of salt. Do you really want to continue wondering what if? I think you have hit the dilemma right on its head. I am completely clueless. She's not the type to outright tell me. So it's : What if she's feeling me out? What if she just wants my friendship back? I certainly can't be objective here.
headinthecloud Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I would move on and cut these toxic people out of your life. She is playing you and you're being a doormat. Where's your self respect? She's not the only girl out there and the way she's treated shows she's not that great a person. I'm sure she has some great qualities but she's not ever going to think of you and your needs. It's hopeless. And you can't be friends...you're way too emotionally involved. But she's not, so it's easy for her. She does not love you...not romantically.
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