TornCompletelyApart Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 This is my second Christmas as the OW and it's even harder than I remember. I was doing OK until tonight. And before I even get started I know that I'm in the wrong and that I'm being selfish so no need to reiterate that to me. My MM's wife is never a topic that comes up. He doesn't mention her and I don't bring her up. I'm friends with my MM's brother (we work together). He informed me that his wife's dad committed suicide tonight. I've talked with him and he didn't mention it. I don't know what to do. It shook me up. Maybe more than it should. Should I tell him that I know?
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 He's obviously very good at compartmentalizing. Keeping you separate from his real life helps him to manage and cope with his double life. It probably never occurred to him to mention it to you. 2
almond Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Your post is a bit unclear. What exactly shook you up? The fact that he didn't tell you, or the news of the suicide? Do not bring it up with him at this point. If you must raise it, then allow a reasonable amount of time before doing so. It's a very traumatising thing to have happen, and basically, if he wanted you to know, he would have told you. He does not want or need your support in relation to this matter. He does not wish to discuss it with you. Leave him to be with his family to mourn - do not interfere or add any additional stress.
Nothisgirl Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Welcome....you will find a lot of support here...the holidays are so hard as an OW and I can totally understand being torn up about that..if I was you I would just let him do what he has to do...maybe use the time to be kind to yourself ... Do something just for you...
ElectricTangerine Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I'm so sorry you're in this position. Being an OW during the holidays absolutely sucks. =( Based on the information you gave us, I agree with ThatsJustHowIRoll, he's compartmentalizing and has no intention of telling you. That's his family life, and then there's the affair he has with you. The two don't mix for him. 1
bentleychic Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I wouldn't mention it unless he brings it up. It is my second Christmas as an OW as well and it IS very difficult. I haven't seen mine in over a week and won't see him until after the new year. (Totally neither of our faults, he's on drs orders not to drive at the moment due to certain medicine he's on due to a medical issue.)
ComingInHot Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I'm actually sorry that you are going through another Holiday as the OW. (Never thought I'd write that...thanks L'Sers*) I agree with others here about Not mentioning it. It seems it would be weird to have another woman feel bad or sorry for something personal happening to His W ya know? Even though it is tragic. Now as a BS, I think l, why would you feel bad for a death of His Wife's (or mine) when you ever so willingly have sex with him. Just my thoughts on this* Wishing you well! CIH* 3
bentleychic Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Now as a BS, I think l, why would you feel bad for a death of His Wife's (or mine) when you ever so willingly have sex with him. Just my thoughts on this* Wishing you well! CIH* Because it's still possible to have empthay. 4
ComingInHot Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Bentley, I am in me personally Totally understand this being healed from My H's A** I'm trying to give a perspective on how a word from OP on this may/could be perceived by either MM or MM'S W in this present A. Trying to save further grief ya know?*
Author TornCompletelyApart Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 Update: He called me this morning and told me everything. I didn't act like I knew. Just listened. He told me he was sorry for continuing to hurt me. I told him I need to be the least of his worries right now. 1
bentleychic Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Very well handled. That's really all we can do while they are dealing with serious stressers is be supportive. I always tell MM that I want to be his soft place to fall and I mean that. Though Lord it seems like he has a lot of serious stuff going on right after another (and they are genuine. I've seen proof of all of them. Not b/c I asked, but he showed me.), but I try my hardest to just be a listening ear and loving during those times. They aren't MY tragedies (even though all of his have been stuff effecting him directly, not his W) so I just try to be as supportive as possible.
ElectricTangerine Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I used to have the same view on things. I wanted to be the one that comforts him when he deals with so many difficulties in his life, always understanding and supportive, his safe haven. Being his saviour can be satisfying, until it's not. Eventually you realise that you're putting so much effort into a person who finds it easy to deceive you and consistently gives you less than you deserve because he has obligations with his family you're not a part of. In the end, he gets to keep up appearances and keep the wife happy, and whatever's lacking in his marriage is provided by the loyal mistress who doesn't mind being the martyr. All for what? What's in it for you in the long term? And most importantly, where is your soft place to fall on when you suffer? All you get during the holidays is heartache and tears because the one you love isn't spending this time with you. You're seriously putting him way above yourself and your emotions. You sound like a wonderful, giving person and you are investing so much of yourself into someone who will choose to keep you his little secret for years to come, no matter how great you are. You deserve to be with someone who will put you first. 8
Nothisgirl Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I used to have the same view on things. I wanted to be the one that comforts him when he deals with so many difficulties in his life, always understanding and supportive, his safe haven. Being his saviour can be satisfying, until it's not. Eventually you realise that you're putting so much effort into a person who finds it easy to deceive you and consistently gives you less than you deserve because he has obligations with his family you're not a part of. In the end, he gets to keep up appearances and keep the wife happy, and whatever's lacking in his marriage is provided by the loyal mistress who doesn't mind being the martyr. All for what? What's in it for you in the long term? And most importantly, where is your soft place to fall on when you suffer? All you get during the holidays is heartache and tears because the one you love isn't spending this time with you. You're seriously putting him way above yourself and your emotions. You sound like a wonderful, giving person and you are investing so much of yourself into someone who will choose to keep you his little secret for years to come, no matter how great you are. You deserve to be with someone who will put you first. I totally could have written this post..that was me to a "T" but somewhere along the line I started to resent being the bandaid for his marriage...for his life. I'm still raw from our "break up" so admittedly I am jaded but I really think you deserve more than this. Hope you are able to enjoy your holidays
Clay Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Update: He called me this morning and told me everything. I didn't act like I knew. Just listened. He told me he was sorry for continuing to hurt me. I told him I need to be the least of his worries right now. Does he make your promises that he will leave her and be with you? What really keeps you holding on to him? Clay
yellowmaverick Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I'm with CIH on this one. I can't for the life of me believe that two people who are screwing around on his wife could possibly care about her well-being over her father's suicide. As horrible as it was, her father's suicide will only be the second most selfish thing that someone has done to her. You and her cheating spouse have taken the number one spot. I generally hope that the BS discovers the affair, but I hope to God that she does not discover it right now. I can't imagine how her world will come crashing down after that big Merry FU from you and her husband. God help her. 4
blue963 Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Sometimes I think you are the bandaid too often and not the bandaidee...this is where the rubber meets the road. It has to be reciprocal.
bentleychic Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I used to have the same view on things. I wanted to be the one that comforts him when he deals with so many difficulties in his life, always understanding and supportive, his safe haven. Being his saviour can be satisfying, until it's not. Eventually you realise that you're putting so much effort into a person who finds it easy to deceive you and consistently gives you less than you deserve because he has obligations with his family you're not a part of. In the end, he gets to keep up appearances and keep the wife happy, and whatever's lacking in his marriage is provided by the loyal mistress who doesn't mind being the martyr. All for what? What's in it for you in the long term? And most importantly, where is your soft place to fall on when you suffer? All you get during the holidays is heartache and tears because the one you love isn't spending this time with you. You're seriously putting him way above yourself and your emotions. You sound like a wonderful, giving person and you are investing so much of yourself into someone who will choose to keep you his little secret for years to come, no matter how great you are. You deserve to be with someone who will put you first. I don't know if you're referring to me or the OP. HE is my soft place to fall. I have not had as many emergency situations come up since we've been together as he has (knock on wood), but he has always been there for me when I have. When I got in to a car accident, he was the first person that I contacted. When I have emergencies with my kids, he is there for me. When I'm just having a rough day, he's there. It is definitely NOT one sided by any means. However, when he is having an emergency, yes, I believe that being his soft place to fall is the priority over anything else at that moment. I would be (and was) the same way in a "regular" relationship with someone that I loved as well. I can't for the life of me believe that two people who are screwing around on his wife could possibly care about her well-being over her father's suicide. You can believe whatever you want, but that doesn't make it correct. Don't assume that you can speak for anyone else's feelings nor empathy. 1
Lostinlife4now Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I used to have the same view on things. I wanted to be the one that comforts him when he deals with so many difficulties in his life, always understanding and supportive, his safe haven. Being his saviour can be satisfying, until it's not. Eventually you realise that you're putting so much effort into a person who finds it easy to deceive you and consistently gives you less than you deserve because he has obligations with his family you're not a part of. In the end, he gets to keep up appearances and keep the wife happy, and whatever's lacking in his marriage is provided by the loyal mistress who doesn't mind being the martyr. All for what? What's in it for you in the long term? And most importantly, where is your soft place to fall on when you suffer? All you get during the holidays is heartache and tears because the one you love isn't spending this time with you. You're seriously putting him way above yourself and your emotions. You sound like a wonderful, giving person and you are investing so much of yourself into someone who will choose to keep you his little secret for years to come, no matter how great you are. You deserve to be with someone who will put you first. Oh ElectricTangerine.....you said a mouthful! I was his soft spot....I took over where is wife could not. There was NOTHING in it for me long term....I ended it. I HATED the holidays when I was with him. But the sad thing is he is still in his marriage and I feel SORRY for his wife. I really do. I would never want to be married to a man that could cheat for 7 years of his marriage and say's I can't leave because of my kids. He is doing more harm to those children than he even knows. I feel sorry for all of the OW who cannot for whatever reason leave the A. MM ARE NOT WORTH IT. NO WAY NO HOW! They are cakeaters. I regret what I did and have learned alot of who I am as a person being single. I have not dated in 3 years...and am VERY happy being single and free. Please for all the OW on this board....GET OUT OF IT! You will be hurt for a little while but the awesomeness that you feel when you are finally out of it is INCREDIBLE! Don't spend another holiday alone. Life is too short! Believe I know! 3
bentleychic Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Not all A's, not all MM, not all OW are the same. I know everyone wants to believe they are because the majority of posts that I see here lump them all together. Maybe a lot are, but not all. Is mine different? Is hers different? Or hers? Etc., etc. Only time will tell. However, I will not judge MY MM based on other people's experiences and assumptions. All I can do is trust my extinct and go by my interactions with him. Generalizing all MM as the same and all A's as the same is no different than saying ALL women are alike and ALL men are alike. It's just not the case. No matter how much you (general, not based at one poster in particular) may want to believe it. 3
yellowmaverick Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 I don't know if you're referring to me or the OP. HE is my soft place to fall. I have not had as many emergency situations come up since we've been together as he has (knock on wood), but he has always been there for me when I have. When I got in to a car accident, he was the first person that I contacted. When I have emergencies with my kids, he is there for me. When I'm just having a rough day, he's there. It is definitely NOT one sided by any means. However, when he is having an emergency, yes, I believe that being his soft place to fall is the priority over anything else at that moment. I would be (and was) the same way in a "regular" relationship with someone that I loved as well. You can believe whatever you want, but that doesn't make it correct. Don't assume that you can speak for anyone else's feelings nor empathy. It is completely hypocritical to claim that you have empathy for someone when you are instrumental in blowing up her life. "Yeah, I'm screwing your husband, but so sorry about your dad". Alrighty then. 7
bentleychic Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 It is completely hypocritical to claim that you have empathy for someone when you are instrumental in blowing up her life. "Yeah, I'm screwing your husband, but so sorry about your dad". Alrighty then. Again, you can pretend you know about every A's in's and out's and every OW's feeling, but that doesn't make it so. You strike me as one that wouldn't believe details invalidating your opinion even if it came notarized with the W's name signed as a witness. Carry on...
yellowmaverick Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 Again, you can pretend you know about every A's in's and out's and every OW's feeling, but that doesn't make it so. You strike me as one that wouldn't believe details invalidating your opinion even if it came notarized with the W's name signed as a witness. Carry on... You are correct - a notarized signature would mean nothing. Actions and integrity speak louder than words. You strike me as someone who doesn't get this. 1
bentleychic Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 (edited) You are correct - a notarized signature would mean nothing. Actions and integrity speak louder than words. You strike me as someone who doesn't get this. Oh, I get it. I also happen to know details about my current relationship that you have no clue about, as I'm sure others do about their relationship. Not everything is as black and white as you would like to believe and assumptions are often incorrect. With that, we obviously strongly disagree with each other so agreeing to disagree is probably the best thing that we can do. Merry Christmas! Edited December 24, 2013 by bentleychic 1
ComingInHot Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 Bentley, I can't help but read you may be feeling that you are defending yourself here along with possibly the OP. I like you. I think you really are a caring woman. I guess I would like to offer you this; because LS is an open discussion forum about what individuals Think and feel, it makes sense that all of us debate and defend our thinking BUT most certainly not our "Selves" as a whole person. And as far as how anyone is "feeling", I can't in good conscience tell anyone that what they're "feeling" is wrong, however misguided I think their line of thinking is. I'm trying to be kind here and hope that's coming across Bentley* I hope you too can see this from the other perspective as well. It's just difficult to understand how an OW can feel for the MM whose Wife is suffering something so personally tragic ya know? (But I can kind of see how you could) Anyway, I think the OP was wise to say nothing and it seems all worked out for her for now. Merry Christmas to all here suffering through the Holiday season in an A. I DO get how awful That is. CIH* 3
Journee Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 Not all A's, not all MM, not all OW are the same. I know everyone wants to believe they are because the majority of posts that I see here lump them all together. Maybe a lot are, but not all. Is mine different? Is hers different? Or hers? Etc., etc. Only time will tell. However, I will not judge MY MM based on other people's experiences and assumptions. All I can do is trust my extinct and go by my interactions with him. Generalizing all MM as the same and all A's as the same is no different than saying ALL women are alike and ALL men are alike. It's just not the case. No matter how much you (general, not based at one poster in particular) may want to believe it. Most assuredly. We are all different. No doubt about it. I think that is why certain threads really hit so many in a million different ways. The common theme though is deceit. Whether it's by blatant lies or just allowing someone to continue thinking that their life and marriage is just fine. Birthday's, Anniversaries, holiday's....Surely though, even in an A situation one could see how really cruel an A can be. Planning to pull the rug out from someone'e feet. Why one person gets to have all their ducks in a row and the next left possibly confused. Not getting the opportunity to prepare for the dismantling of their life. It blows my mind that this is even a thing that is debated or defended. I think everyone needs support through their pain and confusion though. It is nice that people have a place to come. We all don't have to agree or wear our letters (BS/AP/MP) on our chests. We can just be people trying to figure ourselves and the world out. This site has helped so many it seems. It is also very difficult to read a lot of times. Especially when there is a tragedy like this. I always feel for the person being betrayed. Possibly being very raw emotionally while grieving with a wolf in sheep's clothing. Extremely violating. Then the betrayed that are sick or dying, ugh. All the while plans are being made and people who don't agree with it are quickly told to stuff their opinions. OP I do think you did the right thing in waiting. It would had been hard for me to not say anything either. Very awkward situation. I don't know what kind of relationship MM's wife had with her father but I cannot imagine the pain she could be in. The whole family really. There was a suicide in my family on my biological side and no one is the same. This time of year will always be very difficult for them. I am so sorry to read this.
Recommended Posts