TroubleMe Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 First of all sorry my english as it's not my first language. I'm dating this man who lives in a different country. We have a lot in common and I spent a time with him already, but due to my work and immigration rules i had to come back. He misses me very much and so do I miss him, and we are planning to get married very soon. The thing is, I'm not dealing so well with his controlling behavior. I mean, it's TOO MUCH! I knew he was a bit insecure before, and i am a very patient person but he is driving me nuts. Everyday he complains for hours about me being here, in my country... that I might eventually find someone more interesting and keeps accusing me of cheating on him. I've never did this, I love him very much and he's my other half. I made a lot of changes in my routines to help him feels the most secure person I can. I'm a social media addict and used to have many friends on facebook, but I deleted almost them all and kept just close friends and family there. Stopped posting, even stopped being there... he still has these weird thoughts I'm going to cheat at any moment, that I'll stop loving him, all our conversations lately are being about me trying to comfort him from his ghosts, but i'm all drained. Tonight he said I was probably talking to other men on skype just because I was out for ONE minute and delayed to answer him. I just got so pissed I don't want to talk to him tomorrow! I have only him, my dad and a girl friend on my skype and he knows it, i gave him my password... i'm so tired of being accused of things i'm not doing! I said several times to him i won't accept these accusations anymore as i'm doing nothing wrong to him, I spoke it in a way of setting a boundary for myself and my own wellness, he apologized but comes back with the same things over and over. I don't know, i'm just venting... I know I am also doing wrong to myself as I'm not feeling comfortable at all with all this. But I like him. Any advice in this case? I did ask him to seek therapy for his insecurities already and he's waiting for an appointment.
KatZee Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 You're in an abusive relationship. You need to change all the passwords because he has NO RIGHT having this information. Those are YOUR accounts, and it doesn't matter WHO you talk to, whether it be male, female, friend, or family member. He has no right projecting his insecurities onto you. Get back on your Facebook and refriend every single person you deleted. Don't compromise yourself and what makes you happy all because HE has a problem. That's HIS issue to work through, not YOURS. Also, I would get rid of him. His controlling behavior is going to get way worse, especially if you eventually start living together, and being close together. It's usually the precursor to physical abuse as well. First they start to isolate you, they break you down, and before you know it, he'll be the only person you have in your life. I'd run away from this guy as fast as possible. He will not change. 6
johan Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 First of all sorry my english as it's not my first language. I'm dating this man who lives in a different country. We have a lot in common and I spent a time with him already, but due to my work and immigration rules i had to come back. He misses me very much and so do I miss him, and we are planning to get married very soon. The thing is, I'm not dealing so well with his controlling behavior. I mean, it's TOO MUCH! I knew he was a bit insecure before, and i am a very patient person but he is driving me nuts. Everyday he complains for hours about me being here, in my country... that I might eventually find someone more interesting and keeps accusing me of cheating on him. I've never did this, I love him very much and he's my other half. I made a lot of changes in my routines to help him feels the most secure person I can. I'm a social media addict and used to have many friends on facebook, but I deleted almost them all and kept just close friends and family there. Stopped posting, even stopped being there... he still has these weird thoughts I'm going to cheat at any moment, that I'll stop loving him, all our conversations lately are being about me trying to comfort him from his ghosts, but i'm all drained. Tonight he said I was probably talking to other men on skype just because I was out for ONE minute and delayed to answer him. I just got so pissed I don't want to talk to him tomorrow! I have only him, my dad and a girl friend on my skype and he knows it, i gave him my password... i'm so tired of being accused of things i'm not doing! I said several times to him i won't accept these accusations anymore as i'm doing nothing wrong to him, I spoke it in a way of setting a boundary for myself and my own wellness, he apologized but comes back with the same things over and over. I don't know, i'm just venting... I know I am also doing wrong to myself as I'm not feeling comfortable at all with all this. But I like him. Any advice in this case? I did ask him to seek therapy for his insecurities already and he's waiting for an appointment. When you deleted your contacts, I think you went too far. I don't think he can control his behavior. He never will. And you should not try to take responsibility for it yourself. You say he's your other half, but I think the relationship will be 98% him and 2% you. 1
Author TroubleMe Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 Thank you for your replies! I was already suspicious this is an abusive relationship. I lived with an abusive person once, tho it was very different because he was not controlling, just went physical twice. This guy is more like all over insecure and I have noticed this the time i spent with him, actually... he tried to blame me for his behaviours. Very typical When you deleted your contacts, I think you went too far. I don't think he can control his behavior. He never will. And you should not try to take responsibility for it yourself. You say he's your other half, but I think the relationship will be 98% him and 2% you. You are right on this! He never try to hear my things but i'm all ears to his stuff... he just sucks all my energies and when i need him he has no time for me. I was thinking about ending it tonight after the skype thing, and I will spend a little time thinking seriously about this now.
johan Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 If you do end it, change that password first. I think you have a good attitude about this and you're right to assert yourself. But he doesn't think right, and you can't change it. And there is no sense waiting and hoping he will realize for himself. Good luck! Also, be wary of him after the breakup. He could do some crazy things. 1
Author TroubleMe Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 If you do end it, change that password first. I think you have a good attitude about this and you're right to assert yourself. But he doesn't think right, and you can't change it. And there is no sense waiting and hoping he will realize for himself. Good luck! Also, be wary of him after the breakup. He could do some crazy things. Took me a long time to rebuild my self esteem after my first abusive relationship. I'm not letting anyone to try to destroy it again My self worth comes first. Yes, I will wait for him to come back later, different timezones. Will keep you updated. Thank you so much!
GemmaUK Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 As others have said this will only get worse. I feel for you and totally understand how exhausting it is too. I dated someone only for a few months who had trust issues and was insecure. I gave him my passwords to stop some of the hassle he was giving me (not that I was doing anything at all) but I wish I hadn't - something I will never do again. I agree that you should change your passwords and add friends back - it hasn't made any difference to his lack of security anyway. It's his behaviour that is going to make you fall out of love with him if you haven't already. I very much doubt you even have any free time to be chatting to anyone else!
Viking-Liz Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 RUN! And be happy this psycho doesnt live where you do. 1
Why so consistent Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Why I feel like u talking about me LOL? But I never meet her since I never put trust in her also she's my 1st love but not for her , all we do is webcam spend time together on Skype and she's really social and friendly person it just my jealousy and never believe what's behind (well she's real and love me) . And I lost myself during this year because I finally found the love but....well the story above kinda same beside I don't have all her account access . Relationship won't work right now or ahead if there's no trust , I destroyed the relationship and I'm being selfish constantly hurting her everyday ...... So yes she dumped me and she deserved a better man .
OnlyHonesty Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Took me a long time to rebuild my self esteem after my first abusive relationship. I'm not letting anyone to try to destroy it again My self worth comes first. Yes, I will wait for him to come back later, different timezones. Will keep you updated. Thank you so much! You are following a similar pattern in your choices of partners and that is something you need to explore more otherwise you will simply continue this pattern for the foreseeable future. There is absolutely nothing to consider in this situation, you need to end it as soon as possible in my opinion. Marrying this person will be one of the biggest mistakes of your life and it will have unforeseen repercussions for years to come. You are spending time with an emotional vampire but he is not controlling you, you are. Instead of concerning yourself with partners, I would instead spend time on yourself, your self esteem etc. You have gone from a physically abusive relationship to an emotionally abusive one, both can lead to each other, both are a dangerous waste of time.
Maaikekf Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Your relationship sounds worse than the one I used to be in till about 4 months ago... and that one wasn't even LDR. It is very simple, a relationship, whether LDR or not, should add to your life, not limit it. He's limiting you way too much. Basically he needs to stop trying to control you, or you should decide for yourself if you really want to see your freedom limited. Personally I've tasted freedom now, and no way I'm giving it up again.. I'm biased, can't make the chouce for you, but in your position, I'd leave him..
joanna-c Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I am a new member here and have registered quickly to tell you he is likely to become abusive. I am so happy to see that so many people said that before me! I've been in such relationship. No physical abuse but mental. Ironically these people can be so passionate in the beginning and appear so much in love. Even if you don't like them in the beginning, you tend to get infected with their passion and before you know anything you are dating or even married! I had gifts, flowers and poems during our first year when he still had to conquer me, but then it became a nightmare. He talked to me very sarcastically and sometimes would scare me by hurting HIMSELF when I (supposedly) did something wrong. What a ####! I didn't know how to finish it I was afraid to tell him anything. Then he traveled to London and told me he will get an apartment for us so I could join him in about two months. I said "of course" and ran off to Paris and married a guy I met online 3 days after his departure. Still don't understand how I could do this but he turned out to be a great guy and 13 years later we are still together. As for abuser, he kept calling my old work and home for many years. Maybe he hopes that I divorce so he can kill me, I guess... The very last nasty email I received from him last year, 12 years after I ran off - it blows my mind! Run my dear! You might feel attached to him right now but it's only illusion. Run before its too late. And don't travel with him anywhere.
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