Why are dumpers so darn angry

[Poppyolive]

I really don't get it....how there could be an amazing love, friendship and connection, making future plans all that bliss.....to being callously dumped (which i get everyone has the right to live there life as they so choose, if thats what a person feels, they have every right to walk away from a relationship for whatever reasons they hold, even though it sucks being dumped. And in tern the dumpee deserves to be in a healthy, full filling relationship. No if there is no games, back and forth contact from the dumpees, and the dumpees respect the wishes of the dumper....then why is there anger, going out of there way crazy ass anger....can someone enlighten me....I really don't get it...

 

Feeling hurt and confused.com

[ponchsox]

I was the angry one as the dumpee

[phloxxandsoxx]

In my case, two reasons. One, not all dumpees are saints; a lot of them have unconsciously or intentionally done a long, longgggg string of pretty cruel and thoughtless, selfish things to the person they loved, before the dumping. But to read the way dumpees always put it, they were St. Francis of Assisi just giving out all. this. love. all. the. time.

 

That's rarely the way it is and the truth is often more complicated, and wounds more mutual.

 

In my case I had spent two years repeatedly telling the soon to be dumpee how, when and where he was hurting me. It was like words on a deaf stone. He would cry, apologize, and beg. Then you could just see the little boy smile of "Whee, she's accepted my apology, things are normal again - right" and then he would settle all comfy right in his chair back down in warm Do The Same Hurt On Me All Over Again, and take me for granted - as if by apologizing to me this was a special key he could take out and turn whenever I was in pain or upset, and CLICK: presto: things back his way again. Not all of course but SOME dumpees have a very prevalent and popular disease called "Take The Future Dumper And Their Pain For Granted". You think we will put up with it forever and just stick around. Not true.

 

Finally, two, most of us have tried breaking up with you before when you hurt us so bad the first 97 times and then that 98th. You refuse to hear us. You whine. You beg. You manipulate. You cry. You cajole. You blackmail. By breakup attempt 364 we've heard it all and we know quite well who and how you are and what your tricks will be this time.

 

So when we are at last ready to leave you for good, we have to tear off in a blaze of glory at 1000 decibels full-on savage infliction of pain to make sure you get it and get it clear this time, this time you have gone too far, this time there will be no tears and manipulation, this time the 364th apology won't work, the key no longer fits, we want to be free and this is it.

 

Being trapped in a relationship with someone who just keeps hurting or nauseating you is like being trapped under a 300 pound person who has got their hands on your throat and nose so you can't move or breathe. You've tried to escape but they NEED you and they won't let go. They refuse to get off you.

 

Force is needed to break free and fly away.

 

Many of you I am sure will flame me for saying this, and insist you were a love machine, a saint, a martyr of love who only offered tender pure love and no manipulation, control, laziness, selfishness or tentacles. I respect your pain and will not reply back rudely because I know you are truly hurting. But I also hope other dumpers will chime in and let me know if I am right in what I said.

[Sugarkane]

I must be the exception because Ive never begged and pleaded, despite having my heart broken before. So why was I on the receiving end of this? It makes no sense aswell as being nothing but a supportive, loving partner, who was never abusive. I feel pity for whoever ends up with my ex, knowing how he ended it with me. It further encouraged me to completely cut him off. Makes me glad I'm not with that Ahole anymore.

[Kevin_D]

phloxxandsoxx, I agree with you. However, one thing I've noticed, is that the one with the upper hand in the relationship will rarely apologize.

 

For example, let's say that my girlfriend has 10 male admirers waiting in line, while I don't have regular contact with any woman but her. She might say:

 

"You need to start working out and do something with your life, all you do is sitting at home playing video games!"

 

I start to yell at her, raising my voice and saying that it's none of her business. She'll accuse me of starting a fight. She'll say that she doesn't tolerate anyone talking to her like that. So I apologize. And I start working out more, to make her pleased. But she won't forgive me, no no, she will bring this up the next time we have an argument.

 

Now, I may sound like a jerk that needs to learn how to control his temper. But...

 

Let's say that it was me saying something like:

 

"You know what, you should really hit the gym, I think you've gained weight. And you should use more make-up".

 

My girlfriend would immediately think "Oh, so he doesn't appreciate me the way I am? No problem, because plenty of other guys does". She'll get angry, tell me about how she keeps hearing from other guys how hot she is and that she won't accept that her boyfriend is telling her how she should look.

 

My point is, the person that gains the upper-hand, will rarely apologize when he/she hurts his/her partner, because "he/she's just being honest". But they won't accept that their partner treats them the same way.

 

My ex often talked about how mean I was to hear and she would often bring up old arguments we had on Live Messenger. After a while I got tired of this and showed her the chat logs, and she was stunned. All she remembered was how mean I had been to her, but she was unable to remember the tons of nasty comments that finally made me lose my temper.

[Sugarkane]

Not all dumpees beg, plead and manipulate. Most just want answers after been thrown out like trash, out of the blue.

In my case, two reasons. One, not all dumpees are saints; a lot of them have unconsciously or intentionally done a long, longgggg string of pretty cruel and thoughtless, selfish things to the person they loved, before the dumping. But to read the way dumpees always put it, they were St. Francis of Assisi just giving out all. this. love. all. the. time.

 

That's rarely the way it is and the truth is often more complicated, and wounds more mutual.

 

In my case I had spent two years repeatedly telling the soon to be dumpee how, when and where he was hurting me. It was like words on a deaf stone. He would cry, apologize, and beg. Then you could just see the little boy smile of "Whee, she's accepted my apology, things are normal again - right" and then he would settle all comfy right in his chair back down in warm Do The Same Hurt On Me All Over Again, and take me for granted - as if by apologizing to me this was a special key he could take out and turn whenever I was in pain or upset, and CLICK: presto: things back his way again. Not all of course but SOME dumpees have a very prevalent and popular disease called "Take The Future Dumper And Their Pain For Granted". You think we will put up with it forever and just stick around. Not true.

 

Finally, two, most of us have tried breaking up with you before when you hurt us so bad the first 97 times and then that 98th. You refuse to hear us. You whine. You beg. You manipulate. You cry. You cajole. You blackmail. By breakup attempt 364 we've heard it all and we know quite well who and how you are and what your tricks will be this time.

 

So when we are at last ready to leave you for good, we have to tear off in a blaze of glory at 1000 decibels full-on savage infliction of pain to make sure you get it and get it clear this time, this time you have gone too far, this time there will be no tears and manipulation, this time the 364th apology won't work, the key no longer fits, we want to be free and this is it.

 

Being trapped in a relationship with someone who just keeps hurting or nauseating you is like being trapped under a 300 pound person who has got their hands on your throat and nose so you can't move or breathe. You've tried to escape but they NEED you and they won't let go. They refuse to get off you.

 

Force is needed to break free and fly away.

 

Many of you I am sure will flame me for saying this, and insist you were a love machine, a saint, a martyr of love who only offered tender pure love and no manipulation, control, laziness, selfishness or tentacles. I respect your pain and will not reply back rudely because I know you are truly hurting. But I also hope other dumpers will chime in and let me know if I am right in what I said.

[phloxxandsoxx]

It is never out of the blue. Imho, all dumpers who say that were oblivious and so wrapped up in themselves and Their Needs/Their Wants getting met they could not even see or hear that other person standing or lying beside them. Instead, future dumper seems to be kind of seen as a My Needs Get Met vending machine. Put in needy quarter, get Needs Met. The future dumper almost always says something to clearly show they are unhappy, or shows signs:

 

- Starts pulling back

- Stops going out with you as much

- Puts the brakes on the sex

- Won't hold hands

- Long silences

- Anything to stay away from you

 

These are signs. They occur when we are not getting OUR needs met. This is the moment to say, "Hey. You seem unsatisfied. What specifically am I doing wrong, so I can fix it?" But that never gets said.

 

Future dumpee is usually too wrapped up in me me me to pay attention to or respect them. Then they get dumped.

 

And then it's still all about me me me: What about meeeeee how could you, you cad, you bish, dump meeeeeeeeeeee and there is the problem.

 

The above does not apply to dumpees the dumper was not attracted to. If the dumper dumps you for "grass is greener", though, either:

 

- You were poor company in bed

 

or

 

- Your appearance is not what they want (any more).

 

Sex tastes can change. I wish upon all dumpees that they get in a nice deep relationship then wake up one day not attracted to that other person. Then they will see what I said is true.

 

But for best karma, they should have to stick with that person and continue to sleep with them. Because of course the one no longer desired is the more important one in the relationship, right? And to leave is bad, right?

[JDPT]

I don't care to figure out why my ex was so pissed at me. I'm way beyond that.

[Mrlonelyone]

I think dumpers need to feel or act out a sort of "anger" in order to make the break. You were a wanted part of their life for a good long while. Now they want to break it off with you yet they still feel something.

 

 

I think it was Dr. Phil who counseld people considering divorce to think about it for like a year, and do certain psychological work so that, when they did ask for divorce, they were totally checked out.

 

 

I'm thinking most dumpers here don't do that. So they are angry that you the dumpee messed up their good time by doing XYZ or T to make them dump you.

 

 

As for needs and neediness. One has to communicate that maturely. So many people like to let their partner guess.

[Softie]

Some, I think, are angry at themselves, as they're not sure of their decision but are too stubborn and think it is weak to admit this. This in turn comes out as anger. Just a thought.

[conf]

From what do you say, dumpers are always right. They dont have any fault... In a relationship you must compromise. You will never get the 100% of fullfilment by anyone. You must learn to appreciate what you have. There will always be something that you wanted different/more but this does not mean that many others needs have not been met. In addition if you wait the other person to guess what do you want then you will get less needs fullfilled. By not communicating your needs you build resentment which leads to break up. :S

Edited December 31, 2013 by conf

[lil hoodlum]

It is never out of the blue. Imho, all dumpers who say that were oblivious and so wrapped up in themselves and Their Needs/Their Wants getting met they could not even see or hear that other person standing or lying beside them. Instead, future dumper seems to be kind of seen as a My Needs Get Met vending machine. Put in needy quarter, get Needs Met. The future dumper almost always says something to clearly show they are unhappy, or shows signs:

 

- Starts pulling back

- Stops going out with you as much

- Puts the brakes on the sex

- Won't hold hands

- Long silences

- Anything to stay away from you

 

These are signs. They occur when we are not getting OUR needs met. This is the moment to say, "Hey. You seem unsatisfied. What specifically am I doing wrong, so I can fix it?" But that never gets said.

 

Future dumpee is usually too wrapped up in me me me to pay attention to or respect them. Then they get dumped.

 

And then it's still all about me me me: What about meeeeee how could you, you cad, you bish, dump meeeeeeeeeeee and there is the problem.

 

The above does not apply to dumpees the dumper was not attracted to. If the dumper dumps you for "grass is greener", though, either:

 

- You were poor company in bed

 

or

 

- Your appearance is not what they want (any more).

 

Sex tastes can change. I wish upon all dumpees that they get in a nice deep relationship then wake up one day not attracted to that other person. Then they will see what I said is true.

 

But for best karma, they should have to stick with that person and continue to sleep with them. Because of course the one no longer desired is the more important one in the relationship, right? And to leave is bad, right?

 

 

Just wanted to point out that sometimes the above isn't allways true. Sometimes it really is out of the blue. Some dumpers lead you on making you think that everything is ok when in fact it isn't with them. Some dumpers lack the courage to be honest with their partners about their unhappiness, not giving the future dumpee a chance to work on the future dumper issues or cocerns.

 

You are right though, sometimes things do change. I understand that and don't have an issue with that. What I take issue with is when some dumpers lack the courage to be honest about things and then turn around and act angry towards the dumpee for what, not being a mind-reader?

[justadudehere]

It is never out of the blue. Imho, all dumpers who say that were oblivious and so wrapped up in themselves and Their Needs/Their Wants getting met they could not even see or hear that other person standing or lying beside them. Instead, future dumper seems to be kind of seen as a My Needs Get Met vending machine. Put in needy quarter, get Needs Met. The future dumper almost always says something to clearly show they are unhappy, or shows signs:

 

- Starts pulling back

- Stops going out with you as much

- Puts the brakes on the sex

- Won't hold hands

- Long silences

- Anything to stay away from you

 

These are signs. They occur when we are not getting OUR needs met. This is the moment to say, "Hey. You seem unsatisfied. What specifically am I doing wrong, so I can fix it?" But that never gets said.

 

Future dumpee is usually too wrapped up in me me me to pay attention to or respect them. Then they get dumped.

 

And then it's still all about me me me: What about meeeeee how could you, you cad, you bish, dump meeeeeeeeeeee and there is the problem.

 

The above does not apply to dumpees the dumper was not attracted to. If the dumper dumps you for "grass is greener", though, either:

 

- You were poor company in bed

 

or

 

- Your appearance is not what they want (any more).

 

Sex tastes can change. I wish upon all dumpees that they get in a nice deep relationship then wake up one day not attracted to that other person. Then they will see what I said is true.

 

But for best karma, they should have to stick with that person and continue to sleep with them. Because of course the one no longer desired is the more important one in the relationship, right? And to leave is bad, right?

Not everything is so cut and dry, SOME dumpers are truly messed up individuals and have deep seated issues that repeat themselves in every relationship they are in. I have been on both sides of the fence before.

 

Not all dumpees beg or plead either, no matter what the reason for someone leaving, There is no excuse for lying or cheating... which is the case for the majority here. The world has lost it's moral compass as a whole as it easier to get out of a marriage than a cell contract. People are too quick to throw away something "when things seem broken" instead of trying to fix it. Not always the case but it rings true the majority of the time IMO.

Bottom line is you can't make chicken salad out of chicken sh#t.

Edited January 1, 2014 by justadudehere