moving2fast Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Hello Loveshack Community, I think I'm posting this in the correct forum, if not, please forgive me in advance. So, I met a guy last week(Saturday night actually) and we've pretty much been seeing each other every day since. I know that I've jumped into this, really don't see much coming out of it, but for now it feels nice to have someone around that gives me lots and I mean lots of attention. So, I was over his house this morning, and while sipping on coffee, he looks me dead in the eye and says, "Baby, I love you." I really wasn't expecting it, and don't really know how I should have reacted, but I said, "Thank you," and he asked if I loved him too. Now here's where it all went wrong for me. I wanted to say: I don't know you well enough to be "in love with you," but I love you as a person and really do like the way you treat me. Instead I said, "Yes, I love you too." and I shouldn't have because that's not something I just say to people. I know I can't take it back. He has yet to really even get to know me, and out of selfishness, or fear of loneliness/abandonment, I don't just out and out tell him things about myself unless he asks. Only things he really has asked about me is if I was seeing anyone, my age, my name, what I do for fun, do I have children, have a been married, nothing beyond that. I don't think we'll be "dating" much after he learns about me. I do know a great deal about him, because he just puts it out there. I don't normally just go along with relationships, this is not how I normally operate, I know I'm just trying to occupy myself since I've gotten out of a situation with a married man who I really came to see as my best and closet friend and I do miss him a great deal but know not to get involved. I hope I don't sound terrible for jumping into this, but I just don't want to be alone right now. The man I'm seeing now gives me so much attention, I don't even thinking about doing the things I tend to do when lonely. I really like him, but love? That's serious, isn't it? How soon does one typically say it? When does it usually get said, I'm assuming after knowing a person? Am I wrong for saying that I do when I really don't love him, how can he love me without knowing me? He probably didn't mean it, I didn't grill him on the word, I think I want to hold on to him for a while. Sorry for all the rambling, any input would be nice. I hope to see him this evening when he's done with his project.
MidwestUSA Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Yes, it's too soon. But since you 'don't see much coming out of it' and don't think you'll be dating much once he learns about you (what's that about, anyway?), you've got no worries. Right? This will pass; surely he didn't mean it THAT way (as in seriously). Is the sex really good?
Author moving2fast Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 I don't think he'll stay with me if he actually ever learns about my up bringing and my job. I do porn, and I don't know how he'd take it, he hasn't asked about that so I haven't lied but I've lost people when I've disclosed in the past. I don't want him to stop seeing me any time really soon, its been really nice having attention. I just know its going to end, it started off wrong and though he's kind, attentive and generous, he doesn't seem to really care enough to love me. I enjoy it, and he does too. I do whatever I can to keep him happy, its really all we do so I know this isn't going to be much. I just feel all kinds of ways I'd rather not. He'll probably get bored if not disgusted. I know not to be attached, wish he wouldn't have said that he loves me, that makes me think more than I should be about things.
ponchsox Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 If someone told me they loved me after one week, I would run really, really fast. 5
Author moving2fast Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 If someone told me they loved me after one week, I would run really, really fast. Why would you run? I would like it if someone genuinely cared about me. I don't think anyone has ever really loved me, so him saying it has me wanting to argue, but right now I just want him around, I don't believe he loves me.
MissBee Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Yes it's too soon. I have been there. I was with a man who after 3 weeks said he loved me and I too felt cornered and said it back and all of that sped up the relationship. However, as quickly as that happened was as quickly as things ended. I realized that he was the type who was very fickle and pretty much was "in love" with every woman he dated without even truly knowing what love meant. This guy may be the same way. You're using him and he's using you too...in terms of for some reason he needs to invest "I love yous" into you even though he doesn't know you and you need to keep him around because you're lonely. This whole relationship sounds like two people who have some emotional baggage weighing on them and are using each other to fulfill some need/void, largely based on fantasy and feelings and not genuinely knowing each other. Tread carefully with it. 1
johan Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Nice work on the paragraphs! Maybe 1 week isn't too soon to say it so much as it's too soon to know it. He let himself get carried away. And you can take it back. Just tell him it's too soon. He should understand, especially if he loves you, right?
MidwestUSA Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Why would you run? I would like it if someone genuinely cared about me. I don't think anyone has ever really loved me, so him saying it has me wanting to argue, but right now I just want him around, I don't believe he loves me. Well, if you're sure he doesn't truly love you, what's wrong with both of you being in this for now, for what it's worth? Then again, aren't you just coming off a breakup? Does he know this?
soccerrprp Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I told my late-wife after 2-weeks. I can imagine that there those who've said it earlier. But, now days, you'd be looked at as if you were out of your mind, too clingy, psycho, etc. Different type of thinking now days.
MalachiX Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I would run too if a woman said, "I love you" after one week. Why would you run? I would like it if someone genuinely cared about me. I don't think anyone has ever really loved me, so him saying it has me wanting to argue, but right now I just want him around, I don't believe he loves me. You run because the person clearly doesn't know much about relationships or love. It takes time to love someone. You have to really get to know them and that takes longer than a week. Someone who says "I love you" that fast is a person who is more invested in the idea of falling in love rather than he is in the other person. It's a recipe for disaster. That said, I don't think it's fair for you to lie to him and say you're in love too when you're not. It sounds like you're just lonely and keeping this guy around until you really fall for someone else. I get it. It's nice to have some attention and someone to treat you well. But once it's clear that you're not looking for what the other person is, you owe it to them to be honest. Otherwise you're just using them. 7
writergal Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 As the poster MssBee pointed out: you're both rebounding from previous relationships and it may not be the best plan of action for either of you. I was involved with a guy about 5 years ago who said those 3 words and offered me his apartment keys and said I was the one, after 3 weeks of dating. Because I was lonely and insecure and unhappy with my life, I went against my common sense and intuition and proceeded ahead into what turned out to be a disastrous, dysfunctional relationship that I have never repeated since. If a guy comes on too strong with me immediately, I see that as a huge red flag and stop anything before it starts. 2
HokeyReligions Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Have you ever heard of a lie of omission? Poor guy. The decent thing to do is tell him everything now. And stop using him.
MissBee Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 (edited) As the poster MssBee pointed out: you're both rebounding from previous relationships and it may not be the best plan of action for either of you. I was involved with a guy about 5 years ago who said those 3 words and offered me his apartment keys and said I was the one, after 3 weeks of dating. Because I was lonely and insecure and unhappy with my life, I went against my common sense and intuition and proceeded ahead into what turned out to be a disastrous, dysfunctional relationship that I have never repeated since. If a guy comes on too strong with me immediately, I see that as a huge red flag and stop anything before it starts. !!!!! Yepp. I did the same thing too. That same guy introduced me to his child, all his friends, his mom, asked me to move in, talked about marriage, all within a month of dating and at the time I was rebounding, feeling insecure and really wanted a relationship, so against all the screaming bells in my head saying it was too quick, I allowed myself to soak up all the "love" and attention and ignore the feeling that this was too soon and off, but it eventually turned into the reality that this wasn't right at all. Yes I am sure some people can be in love very soon after meeting someone, in terms of feeling strongly, but the majority of people CANNOT love someone they have known only for 7 days and for MOST people such quick developments spell trouble and are a symptom of either throwing yourself into a relationship because of other emotional pain (like rebounding after a breakup) or something else. It is hardly ever the doing of a healthy, stable person and hardly the beginning of a healthy, sustainable relationship. Edited December 23, 2013 by MissBee 2
Author moving2fast Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 Thank you all. I know it is all happening too soon, and not enough information is out to make informed decisions off of one another. I don't want to seem as if I'm taking advantage of him, I know I'll have to have a real discussion with him, probably tonight when he gets here. I know I shouldn't jump into anything, but my goodness when I'm lonely and no one I know is available, I do really reckless things and back slide. I know he likes my company because he's just as lonely, so we're spending loads of time together. Usually I start dating and right away let it be known that I may get with other people, but I haven't told him and he's kept me so busy I haven't messed with anyone. I feel like I need this right now. Besides my company, I don't know what he's getting. I tell him not to buy me things but he insists. I know I may not be thinking clearly, but I do on some level want his words to be true, I just don't see that as realistic and don't see us having a future for like a zillion and one reasons. A lie of omission? I don't want to keep things from him, he just hasn't asked. ...I have no excuse really. I will tell him, I just can't deal with another disappointment right now. If things stay as they are which I know won't happen, I would have no reason to be involved with anyone else. I don't fall for people, I wouldn't be cheating him out of anything. I give just as much as he gives, so I'm not being cruel and I don't plan on hurting him. He'll probably leave me tonight anyway. My thought process is jumbled.
writergal Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 OP, don't be so harsh on yourself. And don't feel ashamed at what you do for a living either. That really won't be an issue with the right guy -- your involvement in the porn industry. You mentioned you were worried he would leave you if he knew what you did for a living. Don't worry about it. Just try to set up some boundaries with him so that you both start off on the same page. You can let him know that while you reciprocated his "I love you," you had time to rethink that, and decided it was too soon for you to say that b/c you barely know each other. Hopefully he'll be understanding. If not, it was a fun week and you need to move on. Start there, with the conversation, and lead him to your belief that right now you just want to enjoy each other's company and not jump into anything serious as you just got out of a long term relationship (you can be vague, he doesn't need the details). And if being in porn really bothers you, put that on the discussion table right now too, and get it out there so you can proceed without any feelings of shame or guilt (which you shouldn't have anyway, if you enjoy what you do). You seem intelligent and have good instincts (you recognized right away that you don't love him b/c you barely know each other). Just be honest with him. What have you got to lose? 1
Author moving2fast Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 I didn't get to explain the relationship that recently ended properly. He hasn't asked about it. It wasn't a typical relationship, more like two friends that shared too much and he was married. I knew better than to say I was in love with that person, just loved him as a friend but am trying to get over not having him as a shoulder to lean on. I told him I hadn't been serious with anyone in a while, but that a friendship of mine ended and that was the end of it, subject changed by him to something about himself and what he wanted from his girlfriend. Then he's asks me to be his, I said yes, really at the time trying to keep myself busy and I wanted to appease and please the man I'm seeing.
ponchsox Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Why would you run? I would like it if someone genuinely cared about me. I don't think anyone has ever really loved me, so him saying it has me wanting to argue, but right now I just want him around, I don't believe he loves me. There is a difference in someone caring about you vs. coming out and saying they love you. Saying you love someone after one week is an infatuation, not real love. I would be worried if this person was all there emotionally.
Author moving2fast Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 I really don't care for my job. There was a time when I kind of felt like it was fun, but I was kidding myself. I only do it because I don't see myself doing anything else and I know this isn't a forever thing. It really is all I know, and that may sound silly or whatever but I am just getting by best I know. I'll be honest tonight, he should be here soon and I'll just put it all out there. I don't really have anything to lose, I know he won't stay with me. I just really don't want to be alone. I feel like I need someone to be here and care, or at least pretend to care because I don't and I really am having a hard time. I'm tired of not meaning anything. I'm tired of so much right now.
Author moving2fast Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 There is a difference in someone caring about you vs. coming out and saying they love you. Saying you love someone after one week is an infatuation, not real love. I would be worried if this person was all there emotionally. I know, this is true. I know he can't love me, he doesn't know me. I probably am not all there emotionally either. I shouldn't have said it back, I don't do that. I've been on autopilot or something as of late.
johan Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 (edited) Just kidding. Be honest with him though. Edited December 23, 2013 by johan
Author moving2fast Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 By the way, moving2fast... I'm beginning to fall for you myself. Maybe he just isn't the right guy. I know you're joking, and there's no right guy for me.
Eggplant Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 This guy was pressuring you by asking you whether you loved him. It's one thing to tell you he loved you. It's another to ask you whether you loved him back. Nobody should ever ask anybody that question, unless it's an old relationship and the question is actually, "Do you *still* love me?"
Author moving2fast Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 Sorry about that last post, a bit delayed thought he would be here already but he's running a little late and I'm just stuck here wondering how I will say it all.
Author moving2fast Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 Eggplant, I didn't realize it as it happened. if he simply said "I love you," I would have said "thank you," and that would be all. When he asked I felt I had to say I did because he told me how he felt, it would be mean and rude not to do the same, he is very kind, I didn't to hurt him and enjoy having him around. Pressure indeed. 1
Eggplant Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 A guy friend of mine recently professed his love. It sucks having to be honest. But what's the alternative? Be prepared to be assertive, even when it hurts the other person's feelings. Dating sucks. For everybody.
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