lostinloveless Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 I split up with my ex 3 weeks ago now...... I was the one to end the relationship (for the 3rd time in 2 years I might add) but I now find myself missing him, constantly thinking of him & wishing we were still together! Anyway this is the bit that im confused about..... He called me the other night basically to tell me that if my child ever wanted to get hold of him for any reason that its fine for them to do so (not that I would ever let my child do that & drag it all back up for them, it wouldn't be right!) the reason for him saying this was apparently because he's been in their life for half of my child's life. He then continued to say but as far as we go "we're done". Now this is my question.....If he really didn't want any contact with me then surely the same would go for the no contact with my child? Is he just using this as a doorway, as to speak, so that theres a reason for me to contact him? Even though he said we were done, is he hoping that I get back in touch with him? or am I over thinking the whole thing?? As an outsider I'd like some opinions please as im at the do I don't I stage of contacting him.... I've read a lot of the nc posts on here but there all from the dumpee & not the dumper so I don't know what to do!?
Mondmellonw Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 I, the same as you, was the dumper. And also wanted to contact my ex... I did. He ignored me. Anyways, your situation here is different. Did he said this: "we're done"? If he did, I guess you'll have to end with the hope thing.
Author lostinloveless Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 Yea as I said I made no contact with him it was all him. He ended the conversation with "we're done" but didn't hang up on me or anything it was a civil goodbye. I just find it soo confusing! as I said surely if he really wanted it to be done then he wouldn't want to talk to either of us which is what makes me think he doesn't really want us to be done? hope that makes sense....
d0nnivain Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 All it means is that he has some non-jerk in him & he may very well care for your child. When I broke up with an EX who had a kid -- a teen by the time we split -- I asked if I could say good bye to the kid. The dad died a few years later. The kid & I still have a relationship. 1
TylerDurdenn Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 It sounds like he was being straight up and honest.
Author lostinloveless Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 No he isn't my child's dad but has been around them for a little over 2 years. I did get to know him before I let them meet & he is the only other man that has been involved with my child since splitting with their dad! I don't make a habit of random new men coming & going. I tried to explain that I would never let them call him anyway as he isn't their dad & as they haven't asked for him I would never drag it up for them & ask if they wanted to speak to him either!! I was simply asking if it was his way of saying we're done but hoping for some form of contact
TylerDurdenn Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 No he isn't my child's dad but has been around them for a little over 2 years. I did get to know him before I let them meet & he is the only other man that has been involved with my child since splitting with their dad! I don't make a habit of random new men coming & going. I tried to explain that I would never let them call him anyway as he isn't their dad & as they haven't asked for him I would never drag it up for them & ask if they wanted to speak to him either!! I was simply asking if it was his way of saying we're done but hoping for some form of contact I'm confused, didn't he tell you 'we're done'? What else do you need? 1
Haydn Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 I would say talk to him. This sounds real. I would not normally offer this advice but yes talk to him. Sounds like you could have a future. Good luck. No he isn't my child's dad but has been around them for a little over 2 years. I did get to know him before I let them meet & he is the only other man that has been involved with my child since splitting with their dad! I don't make a habit of random new men coming & going. I tried to explain that I would never let them call him anyway as he isn't their dad & as they haven't asked for him I would never drag it up for them & ask if they wanted to speak to him either!! I was simply asking if it was his way of saying we're done but hoping for some form of contact
Winter blue Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 (edited) What he meant by 'we are done', it really depends on how and why you broke up in the first place. Obviously you are the dumper OP, so we do you want to contact him now? Just because he called you? What were you thinking when you break off the relationship? do you want reconcile with him or do you just want to be friends? If it's the later, I would say just leave him alone, because if you already made your mind about leaving him, why are you having second thought now? It doesn't really matter why he said 'we are done', I said that to my dumper ex too. Edited December 22, 2013 by Winter blue
strive Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Is he the sort to be manipulative enough to use children? I'm guessing not. So it means means exactly what he said, you're done. Your relationship with him =/= his relationship with your child. By saying that he wanted to still talk to your child, it only means that he genuinely cares for your child.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 This isn't unique. A lot of people who date single parents form a close bond with their partner's children. One of my former roommates was living with a single mother and her 5-year-old child for a while before the relationship died. The last time I talked to him he was more distraught in losing the child from his life than losing his ex-girlfriend. So yeah, it likely just means he loves your child and is having a hard time coming to terms in the breaking of that bond. 1
Am4Real Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I'm with Simon Phoenix on this one. I personally know of a man who left the relationship (he was the Dumpee for not committing to her for the long-haul in marriage and with the relationship going no further, stressed the need to break up and they did) when the child was six. The woman let him stay in the child's life all the way up to him helping finance part of her college and much involvement leading to that day both financially and emotionally. No damage was done and the child was likely better for it. HOWEVER (and you knew this was coming), a year or so after the break up his EX went on to meet new people and eventually marriage came her way. SEVERAL times, he tried to win her back and because of his relationship with the child, it made things sticky for her -- she had to be very delicate in telling him there was no longer interest in him at the risk of it now affecting her child who had become so involved. It worked out but barely; it could have easily become a disaster. Was he playing the child scenario from the beginning? Maybe...I don't know. I only know it sounds dangerous emotionally for all involved and personally would lean towards cutting all ties if the child is young. I guess every case deserves it's own interpretation...this is one that I happen to know of.
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