xyz7211 Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 I met the love of my life the first year of grad school (his last). It was the most blissful relationship I have ever known, and he was the most thoughtful, caring, devoted man. We were very deeply in love. Toward the end, we more or less lived together - during an entire summer we spent only one or two nights apart. It was the first - and only - time someone wasn't just a "boyfriend" or a guy I was "dating." We were partners in the truest sense of the word. Because I'd never experienced this before and our relationship got off to a rocky start (his doing), I don't think I fully appreciated it. But I loved him with all my heart, and he knew I would do anything for him. I don't mean to put the past on a pedestal, but it has been over 4 years since we were together and nothing else has even begun to come close, which is why I am writing this now. In a nutshell, after he graduated grad school we did long distance and it was hard, but I never once regretted it because it was more than worth it - even apart, we were closer than ever and luckily were still able to see each other for long weekends 2-3 times every 5 weeks. Over phonecalls, care packages, little emails and gchats throughout the day, I felt loved, lucky, blessed to have him and our wonderful relationship. Then, that summer we pseudo-lived together, I was going into my final year and began to question a bit where I would move after graduation... of course, I wanted to move to the same city as him. What use is long distance if there is no light at the end of the tunnel? To my shock, this freaked him out, shut him down, and resulted in a 24 hour teary, solemn break up the next day. I think it was too much pressure for him. And it broke my heart - I thought he must not love me if he gave up now, when we had come so far and had so little to go. I cut him off. I moved on and started casually dating someone else. I didn't contact him. I did everything right. That all changed when he wrote me an 8 page hand-written letter about how he wasn't then or now prepared to lose me, how I meant so much to him, knew him better than anyone else, how he loved me and missed me and wanted to get back in contact to heal and grow from what had happened, how he could never imagine loving or being loved as much as he could with/by me, how our connection was unlike anything he had ever known... Like an idiot, within the first paragraph, I had agreed and my heart was open to him again. We weren't talking constantly, but he called me here and there (including a couple "I love you" calls in weaker moments), sent me a present on my birthday, articles over e-mail when he thought of me, and a little flirting, too. As I got closer and closer to my graduation and moving to the same city as him, he said he wished he was there to see me graduate, how proud he was of me, how beautiful I must look, how he couldn't wait until I moved so we could go to baseball games together and the movies and dinner, just like we used to. Of course, this doesn't have a happy ending. I finally did move and in the couple weeks before, he became distant and a completely different person. Turns out, he had been dating someone practically since we broke up, and seriously for the past 4 months. On top of that, he was moving across the country for a job opportunity and she was moving with him. My whole world was turned upside down. I wish I had told this girl everything he had said to me, done for me, practically promised me, in the time that overlapped with their relationship. Most clearly, I remember panicking about getting my own hopes up and I asked him pointblank - less than a month from moving - if that door was closed, and he said no. I so regret not speaking up to her, or at least one of our mutual friends, about this, but even then he had this hold over me and I didn't want to upset him or lose him. Through a lot of time, therapy, and new experiences I have slowly gotten over this shocking, blind sighted event. But it still haunts me, even now, 4 years later. I remember so clearly my family and friends (even his family) being just as shocked as I was, and everyone assuring me that he was just doing it out of convenience, that it would never last, that he was just going through something. I wanted so badly to believe this, and held on a little hope, but everyone was wrong. They are still together, happily from what I can tell (he bought her a CAR last Christmas), and I cannot shake the feeling he will soon propose to her. I don't know why I can't fully get over this. I have been open to meeting new guys, and have dated plenty since he walked out my life, but no one comes close to holding a candle to him. What he did was terrible, selfish, manipulative... and worst of all, he initially tried to make me think everything was in my head and that he hadn't done anything wrong, instead of owning up to the plain and simple fact that he led me on. It doesn't matter that everyone who knew us thinks he "downgraded" and that I can do better/dodged a bullet because all I can see is that A. he did not suffer for one single moment, he rode into the sunset with this new girl and didn't experience one single moment of the incredible pain and loss I suffered and B. he has been happy for the past 4 years, likely with the person he is going to spend the rest of his life, and I am unhappy, now cynical, and worst, alone. It doesn't matter how many times people say I am gorgeous, intelligent, funny, a "great catch." I'm sick of hearing it. I feel like none of that matters because he chose someone who is none of those things over me, so what DOES it matter, really? I am so sick of people saying it all happened "for a reason" and soon I will meet the guy who will prove to me what it's liked to be loved unconditionally and cherished and who would never do that to me/treat me like that etc. etc. Everyone was wrong about him and the new girl, why shouldn't they be wrong about this too? I would love to believe in karma, because in this situation, I did nothing wrong but trust the man who I loved and who gave me no reason to believe he didn't love me back just as much. This sounds overdramatic, but seriously, where is the justice? Where is his pain? I don't wish him poorly, but I just hate how unfair it is that he suffered nothing and I lost everything. I wont even say I have tried to be open to new people because I HAVE been open and nothing has worked out. I just don't know what to do... I normally don't even harp on this after all this time, but it's the holidays and I'm on vacation with my family and it's extremely lonely so these feelings come back to the forefront... I don't know what advice you all could give besides what I've already been told over the past 4 years, but I would appreciate it nonetheless. I am really in a state of despair and I am worried the world is just a terrible place where jerks never suffer for a second and girls like me are left behind jaded and damaged goods.
stillafool Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 I'm so sorry and I know what it's like to be rejected by someone you thought was the love of your life. I don't know how to tell you to move on but you have to one step at a time. I went through something very similar long ago and everyone told me that their marriage wouldn't last because he was really in love with me. Well guess what, that was 24 years ago, they are still married happily with 3 kids. You have to do whatever you can to get this behind you and move on with your life. Whether it be therapy or whatever you have to pull yourself through. You don't want to look back in 10 years and you wasted that time in bitterness. What helped me was forgiveness. I just forgave him for hurting me and really meant it. I just did this on my own in my heart. I'm happily married and one day you will be too. 1
deathandtaxes Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 How do you know he bought the lady a car? It's that kind of thing that will keep you wringing your hands. STOP KEEPING TABS ON HIM! You will continually pick that scab bloody. You have to change your BEHAVIOR and your THOUGHTS. Did you learn anything in therapy? Possibly some cognitive-behavior techniques you can employ? Yes it sucks. And I'm sorry for you. But by doing what you do, you let him have POWER over you right now. You can't follow that rabbit down it's hole. Why do you care if a jerk suffers or not? What does his suffering have to do with you right now? You still worry about this FOUR YEARS LATER. That's why you can't get over it. It doesn't seem like you're even trying. Reclaim your power. 2
Author xyz7211 Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 I know because we have many mutual friends. He himself has tried a friendly e-mail here and there and even wanted to catch up last time he was in town, but I've tried to keep a healthy distance. It's not something I have been focused on. I've had relationships with other people, and there was a period of time when he wouldn't cross my mind for months at a time. I guess my problem is that whenever yet another relationship doesn't work or clearly wasn't meant to be for the long haul is my problem where I go back and compare and say "oh things have still been working out for him all this time and I'm back at a square one." I am frustrated with this pattern and impatient for it to finally work out for me... the holidays with so much free time are bringing this out more than usual. I do appreciate all your words, they are helpful.
ponchsox Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 It's going to be difficult and hard. It sucks. But one thing I do know is if you keep tabs on him you won't get over him and be able to move on from this.
stillafool Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 It's going to be difficult and hard. It sucks. But one thing I do know is if you keep tabs on him you won't get over him and be able to move on from this. This is the truth. You have to hear nothing about them and you are smart to keep your distance from him. I hate to say this but you have to pretend they are dead.
KatZee Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I don't know what advice you all could give besides what I've already been told over the past 4 years, but I would appreciate it nonetheless. I am really in a state of despair and I am worried the world is just a terrible place where jerks never suffer for a second and girls like me are left behind jaded and damaged goods. I feel ya girlfriend. My ex pulled this same thing with me. We were together almost 3 years, three years where I basically worshipped the ground he walked on, catered to him, etc... and at the end of our relationship I found out: A) He had been sleeping with his ex gf behind my back. B) Lied to me for the entire relationship C) Led me on when we were in a LDR about how he saw engagement/marriage and going back to how things were when we were together local D) Dumped me soon after moving back home for someone he met at his new job. My ex also didn't suffer any consequences. He went on to have several relationships after me, and is now with someone long term. I was the one that bore the brunt of everything. Being lied to, cheated on, deceived, played like a toy. He walked away without so much as a friendly wave and just went on, no problems, happy life, after 3 years together. I've turned into the jaded girl you speak of. I've been single for a year and 8 months now. I have no desire to be in a relationship at all. In fact I've become one of the largest commitment phobes I know. I have zero urge to deal with a relationship, the drama, baggage, problems, being tied down or locked down to everyone. I don't have any emotional ties to my ex, I don't care about him at all, but he has turned me off and made me so completely indifferent to ever being in a relationship again. Sure, I date. I have fun. I have guys take me out to dinner, I let them court me. But once things start looking real, I freak and run. Maybe it's just my subconscious keeping me protected from another possible heartbreak, but whatever. I'm not unhappy and I've had a pretty damn great life these last 19 months. I've done things I never would have done had I been with my ex. I wouldn't call you or I "damaged goods." We've just seen a lot, and been through a lot. We're the survivors!
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