Why would two married people ever end their affair?

[LoveTKO]

Assuming their spouses never find out or care, and neither wants to divorce?

 

I have a friend in this situation who says she never plans to end her affair and I read posts here from people in this situation who've ended it and I wonder why they ended it?

 

 

Why would they end it? guilt, stress, same ol routine? Because just like normal relationships, everything runs its course and ends up becoming routine. I was with a married woman for almost five years and often wondered how she managed to keep up the subterfuge. She almost cracked on many occasions because the stress and guilt just became too much for her. Living a double life isn't easy.

 

Keep in mind that what we do in life is always a reflection of how we feel at a certain time on our lives. Feelings change, circumstances change, etc. Just like normal people who brake up or get divorced.

[Realist3]

It is probably mostly accurate, although I know of exceptions in both cases. I know a woman who never felt guilt and compartmentalized everything. Idk how she did it. In my case, the more intense the A got, the less present I was at home. I'm almost positive that the opposite happened with my xAP. Whenever we were going strong and in a "good place", he would seem generally giddy. He would tell me about meals that he cooked for his family, etc. It used to bother me so much. Whenever we would go NC, he seemed miserable. Classic conflict avoiding person who needed me to escape from his issues, and as soon as I went away, he was pushed back into reality. I'm done with being his crutch.

 

 

I like this post and its insight, but what exactly were you expecting from him?

[thecharade]

I am a very typical type of MOW: it was an exit affair/R. I loved him. When I realized he did not have the same goal, I was done.

 

Two people in it for sex? Only? It won't end until dday. And there will be a dday.

[LoveTKO]

I am a very typical type of MOW: it was an exit affair/R. I loved him. When I realized he did not have the same goal, I was done.

 

Two people in it for sex? Only? It won't end until dday. And there will be a dday.

 

 

 

Not necessarily. I was in a sexual relationship with a MW for a very long time, and I'm talking about sometimes having sex three, four times a week. There was never a d-day for her. I think I drove her away because "performing" became a chore for me after a while, or a bit mechanical. She must have sensed that I wasn't always in to her sexually 24/7 because she often mentioned towards the end of the affair that I changed over the years. well....who doesn't change? Affairs are just like normal relationships.....$hit gets old after a while and you want some new "strange".

[findingnemo]

I ended it because I don't have what it takes to be in an affair, and IMHO I think most women are in the same boat. We do not take matters of the heart lightly. To have sex with a man at day and another at night, a woman needs to have a heart of steel.

Men wander and seed. Women attach and care. That is how we live on. Evolution determines everything.

 

I agree. To do the above in bold seems plain crazy to me. I can't imagine sleeping with a AP at lunchtime and then sleeping with my H at night. That, IMO, is disgusting, disrespectful, malicious and evil on so many levels. The AP and my H could have as well just slept together.

[LoveTKO]

I agree. To do the above in bold seems plain crazy to me. I can't imagine sleeping with a AP at lunchtime and then sleeping with my H at night. That, IMO, is disgusting, disrespectful, malicious and evil on so many levels. The AP and my H could have as well just slept together.

 

 

 

Nice! Sounds like a topic for the now defunct Jerry Springer show.

[curiousGeorge2]

As long as they are in love with each other, I don't see any need to end it.

 

I am having the best Xmas ever, because of a Xmas card.

Edited December 24, 2013 by curiousGeorge2

[krazikat]

I agree. To do the above in bold seems plain crazy to me. I can't imagine sleeping with a AP at lunchtime and then sleeping with my H at night. That, IMO, is disgusting, disrespectful, malicious and evil on so many levels. The AP and my H could have as well just slept together.

 

I am curious...you almost sound surprised by this...do you think this doesn't happen in affairs? And your right, it is disgusting, disrespectful, malicious, and evil on so many levels. That is exactly how a BS feels on dday. To find out you have been sharing a very personal aspect of your spouse with someone else. It is nasty. Many BS are still having sex, some frequently, with the WS. I was one of those BS, very active sex life with WS, so I guarantee there was frequent double dipping. And that is just foul. It amazes me that so many AP don't seem to get that.

[findingnemo]

I am surprised. Very surprised. Is this really something common? In my experience, women in As (I don't know about men) have a hard time sleeping with their H's frequently. If they could have it their way, they would prefer no sex with H at all. So to imagine those same women sleeping with OM in the morning and then going home and sleeping with H in the evening just doesn't make sense.

 

Honestly if someone told me, man or woman, that they did something like that I would have a hard time hiding my disgust.

[krazikat]

I am surprised. Very surprised. Is this really something common? In my experience, women in As (I don't know about men) have a hard time sleeping with their H's frequently. If they could have it their way, they would prefer no sex with H at all. So to imagine those same women sleeping with OM in the morning and then going home and sleeping with H in the evening just doesn't make sense.

 

Honestly if someone told me, man or woman, that they did something like that I would have a hard time hiding my disgust.

 

Girl just go read the infidelity threads...you will find it is quite common. Actually, here on this ow/m threads, too. There have been APs on this very site also talking about how they know MP is still having sex with the BS...and it is pretty much maliciously nasty and disgusting. I might as well of had sex with AP....okay, la la la la....puppies and ponies, puppies and ponies. Get these thoughts out of my head! GROSS!!!!!!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I am surprised. Very surprised. Is this really something common? In my experience, women in As (I don't know about men) have a hard time sleeping with their H's frequently. If they could have it their way, they would prefer no sex with H at all. So to imagine those same women sleeping with OM in the morning and then going home and sleeping with H in the evening just doesn't make sense.

 

Honestly if someone told me, man or woman, that they did something like that I would have a hard time hiding my disgust.

 

Believe me it does happen - often. I know it did with me. I can think of a couple of times that I was with my xmom during the day and then with my husband at night. I also am fairly certain xmom was sometimes with his wife in the same day as well. I would be willing to bet the same for my husband and his xmow and myself.

 

Affairs are messy. I think for some women (me included) you are trying to keep things as normal at home as possible so as not to raise suspicion. And for the men? Well how many men wouldn't want sex in one day with two different women? Talk about cake.

 

At any rate - yes - it definitely happens.

[Popsicle]

I would never be able to sleep with two different men in the same day.

[findingnemo]

Believe me it does happen - often. I know it did with me. I can think of a couple of times that I was with my xmom during the day and then with my husband at night. I also am fairly certain xmom was sometimes with his wife in the same day as well. I would be willing to bet the same for my husband and his xmow and myself.

 

Affairs are messy. I think for some women (me included) you are trying to keep things as normal at home as possible so as not to raise suspicion. And for the men? Well how many men wouldn't want sex in one day with two different women? Talk about cake.

 

At any rate - yes - it definitely happens.

 

Lil, I really don't think I can get over that as a BW. I hate sharing very very much but the idea that my xH slept with a OW and me on the same day freaks me out. It's really quite simple to me. Why would he do that?

 

Sex has never been about physical release for me. So imagining my H or bf sleeping with me on the same day as a OW just so that things between us appear normal is adding insult to injury. I'm almost 40 and it has never occurred to me that this could happen. If my xH did this, I would have a very hard time believing he didn't hate me and was passive aggressively getting at me. If I had ever suspected that this happened, I would have divorced his aXX at that very moment.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Lil, I really don't think I can get over that as a BW. I hate sharing very very much but the idea that my xH slept with a OW and me on the same day freaks me out. It's really quite simple to me. Why would he do that?

 

Sex has never been about physical release for me. So imagining my H or bf sleeping with me on the same day as a OW just so that things between us appear normal is adding insult to injury. I'm almost 40 and it has never occurred to me that this could happen. If my xH did this, I would have a very hard time believing he didn't hate me and was passive aggressively getting at me. If I had ever suspected that this happened, I would have divorced his aXX at that very moment.

 

Obviously I can't say whether your husband did this or not, but I can tell you that I did it. I would have preferred not to because at the time I was emotionally invested in my AP and I wanted to be with him, but like I said - when are trying not to arouse suspicion you do it. I did (and still do) love my husband so I guess the time it made sense to me (I was extremely foggy).

 

I don't know for a fact that my husband did it during his affair or my xmom did it but I would wager money that they did and probably had an easier time doing that than I did just because they are men. I mean, for instance, if my husband came home and I wanted sex he would. It have refused me or said "well I really don't feel like it because I just had sex with my xow". He would just have sex with me and feel like he won the lottery.

 

I am not trying to be crass or uncaring, I am just stating how it was for me and I assume it was for them. According to my xmom he was the one that avoided sex with his wife because he wasn't interested and she was very disappointed in that. I don't know if that is true or not, but that's what he told me.

 

Anyway - yes people in affair do things that if they were in their right minds the would not.

[findingnemo]

Thanks, Lil, for being open about this. I find it really hard to imagine because I believe that I wouldn't be able to do it.

[Popsicle]

This thread went off topic a bit. I'd like to return it to it's original topic.

 

I think As when the two people are married are often more "stable" in some ways than those where one is single and the other is married. I think these two married people understand each other's situation more and can stay in inertia forever, whereas in the single and married AP case it is imbalanced from the outset and more often than not these imbalances play out in frustration, more demands and ddays.

 

However, whether both are married or not, people still make mistakes and spouses still get suspicious so sometimes it ends because the A becomes a threat to their "real life" through some kind of carelessness or discovery OR they get a conscience and/or want to actually live an honest life and work on their relationship OR as relationships go maybe they no longer are interested in being with their AP.

 

I'm a MW who had an A with a MM. There are several reasons why I ended it. Here are some, in no particular order

 

- I don't have the ability to compartmentalize, and it was taking over everything. I fell in love hard. I started questioning my M and expecting more from my xAP

- Living in two worlds was exhausting. I felt like I lost myself

- I wanted to live a genuine and authentic life. Having an A and hiding it from the people closest to me was not the way to do that.

- I wasn't able to give my H my all while i was in the A

- The emotional rollercoaster/push and pull, and constantly doubting whether he was playing games, manipulating me, etc.

- Even though I am also married, I felt cheap and low many times during the A. He always seemed to act like I wasn't married. The more I was in the A, the more I could see that he needed me to complete and supplement his life, and I wasn't going to do that. I couldn't see someone I love go home to another woman every night, regardless of whether I'm married or not. I was NOT going to make him happier while being completely nonexistent from his life. I'm not that nice of a person. He is a conflict avoidant person who was never going to leave his wife unless she left him, and was going to continue the A as long as I let it happen.

 

People think that married APs have it easy. And in some ways, it's true. However, unless one is a sociopath and has the ability to completely compartmentalize their life and not ever feel guilty, the roller coaster ride still happens. After what I've experienced over the past couple of years, I'd rather be in a M that's not so exciting and face my issues head on than live a lie. Not fair to myself, my H or his W.

 

Sorry for the rambling! I haven't vented about this in a while. I'm still sensitive and angry.

 

Thank you. These posts are very informative.

[Mycatsnuggles]

When we first began we talked about expectations neither wanted to leave their spouse, discussed communication, how, how often. We still have these discussions today 3 years later. Because we talk it's easier but still their are moments of jealousy and insecurity, usually when we haven't seen each other. I do think it's easier being both married and not having those false hopes for the future.

 

Where are we going with the relationship. No where. We are friends and lovers and that is enough for now. One day it may not be or we could be forced to stop. I think about the risks, we discuss the risks. But for now we will remain as we are.

[Aspasia33]

This sounds like a sort of ideal situation to me...I dont want to leave my husband, and my MM isn't leaving his wife...also I dont know if MM and i would actually work in a RL situation?

 

I have ended it a few times in the last few years, mainly as the guilt about my marriage would become to great. Its the lying I dislike...If I was single, it maybe wouldnt bother me, as i wouldn't be breaking any vows i made to someone else.

 

TBH, I can see my affair lasting a long time, its coming up 5 years now, and we have become closer and much more 0pen with each other. Our relationship HAS progressed significantly.

 

Assuming their spouses never find out or care, and neither wants to divorce?

 

I have a friend in this situation who says she never plans to end her affair and I read posts here from people in this situation who've ended it and I wonder why they ended it?

[Popsicle]

I have ended it a few times in the last few years, mainly as the guilt about my marriage would become to great. Its the lying I dislike...If I was single, it maybe wouldnt bother me, as i wouldn't be breaking any vows i made to someone else.

 

Oh, believe me, it does bother you as a single person. Add to that that you are not being completely fullfilled by having to share your AP with their spouse, whereas you, as a single person, have no spouse to fall back on like married people do. You are all alone and it feels terribly lonely when you're sleeping by yourself at night and staring at the walls alone on holidays because your MM is with his family. All you can think about is what COULD be and why isn't it happening right now? Whereas two married people in an A do not want what could be to be, because they want things to comfortably remain as they are.

[Sub]

Whereas two married people in an A do not want what could be to be, because they want things to comfortably remain as they are.

 

That's very presumptuous. There's definitely something to be said for the "comfort" of a marriage. But that doesn't mean the people involved aren't forward-thinking and wanting more.

[Popsicle]

Assuming their spouses never find out or care, and neither wants to divorce?

 

I have a friend in this situation who says she never plans to end her affair and I read posts here from people in this situation who've ended it and I wonder why they ended it?

 

Oh and by the way, my friends MM said that he didn't want the affair to ever end either. They both felt that way. This is why I asked this question.

 

My friend and I don't really talk about her A but she did let me know that it's still going on and she said that she is very happy. That's all that has been discussed.

[Popsicle]

That's very presumptuous. There's definitely something to be said for the "comfort" of a marriage. But that doesn't mean the people involved aren't forward-thinking and wanting more.

 

These things rest at a point along a sliding scale. They don't want it THAT bad if they won't leave the M. I am making this distinction to point out that those who do leave, have it that bad in their M. This is not the case for my friend having the A who is married and her MM.

Edited January 14, 2014 by Popsicle

[KathyM]

Well, I know two married people who were in an affair that lasted probably seven months. She ended it because she realized that this was not the kind of person she wanted to be. She realized she didn't want to be a party to damaging and potentially destroying someone else's marriage. She didn't want to have to lie to her husband/children/etc. about her whereabouts. She didn't want to live a double life anymore. She also realized that she really had no respect for this man because he seemed to have no conscience about cheating on his wife.

[LeGenDary_Man]

Oh and by the way, my friends MM said that he didn't want the affair to ever end either. They both felt that way. This is why I asked this question.

 

My friend and I don't really talk about her A but she did let me know that it's still going on and she said that she is very happy. That's all that has been discussed.

Of-course, she will be very happy with "cake-eating" experience.

 

You should let her husband know that his wife is being "exceedingly happy" by stabbing him on his back with deceit.

Edited January 14, 2014 by LeGenDary_Man

[OldRover]

Of-course, she will be very happy with "cake-eating" experience.

 

You should let her husband know that his wife is being "exceedingly happy" by stabbing him on his back with deceit.

 

LeGen,

 

I could strongly argue to mind one's own business and stay out of it. Especially if one doesn't know the "whole" story... there could be a lot more to it, and perhaps the wife isn't doing the stabbing and deceit.....