Kopite Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Hi everyone. New member here and this is my first post. I've been struggling for the past two months and I need some advice. Thanks for taking the time to read. My life is very very complicated. I was born in Canada but I was an international kid and I have been moving from place to place. More recently, I have been doing internships and volunteer work around the world in order to get experience in the field I want to work in. Anyway, the summer before my last year at uni (2011), I go to do some volunteer work in Egypt for 2 months at a children's shelter and there I meet the most amazing woman I have ever met. So kind, so gentle, so funny, so full of life. She was a psychologist for Doctors Without Borders and she was helping orphans. Anyway, after a month of working with her and going out with friends and with her, we connected and she finally asked me how I felt about her and I told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend. With two weeks to go until I left Egypt, we did a lot of things together. I had my first kiss with her. I told her I loved her and she told me it too. We decided to have a long-distance relationship. However, there a few major obstacles: -I am Canadian (but with a tonne of international experience) and she is Brazilian- slight culture/language barrier but not really an issue. -She is 7 years older than me. -We both have limited amounts of money, and I have not much job/work experience -We both have career goals -First relationship for both of us Fast forward two years and a half and we have been together 2.5 years, but doing the long distance thing for about 18 months now, working in our own fields so we don't have regrets about missing out on our individual dreams. Basically, we live single lives but we are committed to one another. We were still going strong, speaking on skype every day and it looked like we finally had an end point planned where we could live together. Even with all of the obstacles in place, we were determined to keep going. She decided she would do one last mission with Doctors Without Borders in South Sudan for 3 months and I would wait for her while I worked in Costa Rica. That was in August and at this point she was continuously hinting at marriage and we were both so happy. So she goes to South Sudan and everything changes within three weeks... On skype, she starts to become distant. She doesn't want to talk a lot. She stops saying I love you. I accept this because I figure she is depressed about the work she is doing. She sees starving children everyday and people dying, so it must be hard for her. After a month of practically no love from her, I start to become frustrated, pressing her to know what is going on. She starts to talk about "her" a lot more rather than "us". She says she is confused and depressed. I keep thinking that the job she is doing is making her this way so it gets pretty tense between us. She leaves Sudan in November and is back home in Brazil, but she is still down and confused and depressed. She finally gives in and explains what is inside her and it's the usual stuff that you hear from others but would never expect happen to you. She told me that she felt attracted to another man in Sudan but nothing happened as she told him she was with me. She had only known him for a week before he left, but she tells me that she felt so guilty for feeling attracted to someone else and didn't want to hurt me, which is why she became so distant. I believe she is telling the truth and that because of her tough job, she was very vulnerable and there was a man there who supported her and this might have cause a spark. I reassured her that's it not her fault and that it's possible for someone to feel attracted to another during a LDR and that we had to see each other ASAP. But since then she has come out with the usual lines: She tells me that her feelings for me have changed. She still loves me but more as a friend/brother. It's not me, it's her. She says I have been the perfect boyfriend (which is obviously not true) She needs time/space to think. We need a break, etc etc etc Our relationship has been going downhill from here. This is where I need advice... Positives -She still attempts to talk to me regularly on skype -She calls me/texts me wanting to know how I am -She says she misses me (but still no "I love you") -She is having problems with other people in her life. Not just me. -She says she wants to disappear from everyone she knows for a while. Not just me. -She has agreed to come and see me physically. Negatives -The fact that she calls me still gives me more doubt and false hope. This has caused me to have severe mood swings. She wants me to give her space, which I have given her (weeks at a time), but she still calls me. I feel like she is playing with me. -She talks about me being her "first" boyfriend. In fact, she likes to talk about us in the past now. -She keeps saying she doesn't want to hurt me. If we were physically together, I would have left her right away and given her the space that she needs. However, all of this has happened over long-distance and it complicates things. Tell me guys and girls and be sincere. Can this all be fixed if we meet up and see each other physically? Is it possible for someone to stop loving another in less than one month? Was she scared by the fact that she felt attracted to another man and now she has convinced herself that she doesn't love me anymore? Has the long distance taken its toll and she forgot how it's like to be with me? Is all of this part of something bigger and I shouldn't take it personally? I think she has Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from her time in Sudan and I read that symptoms of PTSD include personal withdrawal. The fact that she wants to run away from everyone that she knows and not just me, could show this. Yesterday, I finally gave in and I suggested to break up for a while as we were both suffering too much and she said ok but before we do this I convinced her to come and stay with me physically for a few weeks to see how things go but I am not sure. Should I give her space now or is it important we see each other first and then I give her space?? Sorry for all of this but I needed to get this off my chest. Sorry for things not being clear either. It's just all jumbled up in my head.
d0nnivain Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 A 2.5 year LDR with no end in sight will take a toll on anybody. If you can close the distance in a short time perhaps you can fix this. But if you can't, then love won't fix everything & this relationship may have run it's course. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 She told me that she felt attracted to another man in Sudan but nothing happened as she told him she was with me. She had only known him for a week before he left, but she tells me that she felt so guilty for feeling attracted to someone else and didn't want to hurt me, which is why she became so distant. I believe she is telling the truth It's just all jumbled up in my head. Well, it's pretty clear where you should start... (with heightened consideration)
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