HorseLuck Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 (edited) I've seen countless similar posts regarding this situation, so yes- I need you all to feed me the same advice. I never thought I'd live to see the light of day where the ex reaches out to me. Should have reconsidered..Christmas is right around the corner. I ended things and regretted it. He declined giving me another chance. It's a simple message and I want to believe it's genuine albeit I've already started to over-analyze.. I'm sorry. Wants to see if I'm doing ok; apologized for the possibility that it might stir up memories/emotions. Felt compelled to inquire. A part of me wonders if he's doing it out of pity. The holidays have always been a rough time for me. Or is it guilt, etc. etc. Now that there's a breech in NC I don't know what to do. Why didn't he just wait until Christmas or afterwards to contact me with a general message? What is it with men and feeling the need to check in? (don't mean to generalize here) Do I reply or not? A part of me feels like I should.. I don't want to be portrayed as the b*tch. What if not replying crushes the possibility of friendship in the future? Is it taking him more effort because he was the dumpee? Do I owe him a response? I don't want to hurt him further. His family, what if they're behind this. And what defines what "ok" is, the fact that I'm alive? Another part of me says leave it alone. First reason is all of the rumination (see above) that has happened in a couple of hours. I'm not entirely healed; it's caused my emotions to flare up. I've been great with NC, not a peep out of me. This hurts. ... And I'd like to give a thank you to those posters who take the time out to repeat/emphasize the same advice over and over to the individuals on these boards, especially around the holidays. Love you Edited December 22, 2013 by HorseLuck
TylerDurdenn Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 He's bored and he wants your attention, he doesn't love or want you back. Please ignore.
Haydn Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Dont you dare contact him. You are doing so well, he is not. Fair play to you.
Winter blue Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 What was the reason you broke up with him OP? You saying he is the dumpee but he declined you on a second chance, did he say why? It is hard to tell what's on his mind unless these questions are answered.
AnyaNova Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I know I should consider it a blessing that my ex doesn't contact me. I wish I could see it that way. I'm sorry that you now have to figure out what to do. In the end, we can offer suggestions, but the decision has to be yours. What do you want to do? What do you think is right for everyone to do? What do you think is right for you? What do you think is right for him? And if the answers to these questions are different, in your mind, which takes precedence? 1
ponchsox Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I feel very lucky my ex hasn't contacted me. She either really hates me or is letting me move on. I don't care which one but NC on both sides is the best medicine for breakup recovery.
Author HorseLuck Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 What was the reason you broke up with him OP? You saying he is the dumpee but he declined you on a second chance, did he say why? It is hard to tell what's on his mind unless these questions are answered. A build-up of arguments over time and general unhappiness/stress on both sides. He declined because I had just ended it and I suppose logic kicked in; he had been contemplating ending it and saw all of the issues. After that I sucked it up and went on my way.
Author HorseLuck Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 (edited) I know I should consider it a blessing that my ex doesn't contact me. I wish I could see it that way. I'm sorry that you now have to figure out what to do. In the end, we can offer suggestions, but the decision has to be yours. What do you want to do? What do you think is right for everyone to do? What do you think is right for you? What do you think is right for him? And if the answers to these questions are different, in your mind, which takes precedence? Honestly Anya.. I know it's easier said than done, but I felt the same way as you prior to getting an actual message. I know what everyone is talking about now, it's a blessing in disguise. When I went NC I thought that was it for good unless I initiated contact. Now that a message is here I'm wishing I hadn't received it. It leaves me feeling anything but satisfied. And if it happened to me, it may very well happen to you one day because really..I had no hope for myself of such a thing ever happening for various reasons. I'm going to take it at face value; he cares to a degree and wants to make sure that I'm still alive, nothing more. After typing and erasing my response to those questions, I've got my answer. Thanks everyone. Edited December 23, 2013 by HorseLuck 3
Author HorseLuck Posted December 24, 2013 Author Posted December 24, 2013 Merry Christmas Eve people. I'm going to pull through Christmas with NC and honestly, it makes me feel strong/proud when I don't over-think, try to make myself feel guilty, or believe I have an obligation to reply. To think that I'm worried about the perception of me from someone I'm no longer involved with is..ludicrous. One foot in front of the other. Wishing everyone the strength to stay committed to their unwritten rules and in decent spirits. If I start to slip emotionally tomorrow (say bc of contact) I will come here to get it together. 2
Harradin Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 Stick to NC, I've found it helps by imaging NC as a ladder that leads to indifference, as soon as you fall off, you're back at the beginning and have to do that work all over again! 1
AnyaNova Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 Honestly Anya.. I know it's easier said than done, but I felt the same way as you prior to getting an actual message. I know what everyone is talking about now, it's a blessing in disguise. When I went NC I thought that was it for good unless I initiated contact. Now that a message is here I'm wishing I hadn't received it. It leaves me feeling anything but satisfied. And if it happened to me, it may very well happen to you one day because really..I had no hope for myself of such a thing ever happening for various reasons. I'm going to take it at face value; he cares to a degree and wants to make sure that I'm still alive, nothing more. After typing and erasing my response to those questions, I've got my answer. Thanks everyone. I'm glad that you got your answer. I realize intellectually that I probably wouldn't be happy given breadcrumbs, but there is a small idiotic part that thinks it would be gratified to know that he still thinks about me. But given our rather unique situation, I really suspect that he will keep his word and never block me or close his account, but hat I will never hear from him again and tha if I tried to friend him on Facebook he never would accept. Perhaps he will surprise me wih a Christmas breadcrumb, but my skepticism is high.
mendsley Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 This one is a tough one. You obviously still have feelings for him or you wouldn't be thinking about this so much. The reasons you gave for the split didn't seem to be a deal breaker on any relationship, but then again everyone is different. Let me ask you this, why don't you want to contact him? Is it because you truly do not see a future with him? Or is it because it would give the appearance of being weak? The reason I ask is a ton of people on here who have been dumped rarely see the actual emotions of the dumper. I understand there's a ton of emotions and you broke it off for a reason. But, if you were so sure ending the relationship was the best thing, why is it so hard to figure out if you want to him after he reaches out? I understand we envision reconciliation going a certain way and the fear of it not going that way is what stops us from acting, but if it was true love why not entertain the thought of the time apart was healthy for a second chance. So basically I'm asking why wouldn't it be a good reason to respond?
Author HorseLuck Posted December 25, 2013 Author Posted December 25, 2013 (edited) This one is a tough one. You obviously still have feelings for him or you wouldn't be thinking about this so much. The reasons you gave for the split didn't seem to be a deal breaker on any relationship, but then again everyone is different. Let me ask you this, why don't you want to contact him? Is it because you truly do not see a future with him? Or is it because it would give the appearance of being weak? The reason I ask is a ton of people on here who have been dumped rarely see the actual emotions of the dumper. I understand there's a ton of emotions and you broke it off for a reason. But, if you were so sure ending the relationship was the best thing, why is it so hard to figure out if you want to him after he reaches out? I understand we envision reconciliation going a certain way and the fear of it not going that way is what stops us from acting, but if it was true love why not entertain the thought of the time apart was healthy for a second chance. So basically I'm asking why wouldn't it be a good reason to respond? You're correct, I do possess lingering feelings, and yes my split was somewhat different from what many people here seem to experience with dumpers. I don't think I'm uncommon though. There were plenty of issues, I'm just not going in to details. In this circumstance I didn't just walk away relieved and over it. That's a loaded question. The main reason is that there isn't a future romantically. It was made clear. Even if I know logically my decision was the smart thing to do, I still yearn for the relationship sometimes. I know the love we had for one another was real and true..doesn't mean I plan to hold on to false hope (which imo would mean entertaining the idea of a second chance). We don't hate one another. The following reasons are that contact messed with my head. It's a breadcrumb I don't want because it's lined with crack. After that I will expect more communication and I have a feeling I'll be sorely disappointed. Reaching out isn't weak per say, but I'm a sensitive person so I may be easily affected. Friendship would be nice but I am not confident that it would work out, or that it's the healthiest thing to do. Lastly, I don't know if the ex is doing it for an ego boost hinted with care. My defenses are up..I don't want to experience any more pain. Hate that it makes me feel selfish but that's the reality. Hope that answers your question. I've received more contact. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable and hoping things don't intensify.. ugh. Edited December 25, 2013 by HorseLuck
Recommended Posts