canal Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Hi, This might had been brought up before but I can't find it anywhere. It's been really bothering me... Do dumpers stay NC because they understand that by staying NC they can give you space to heal and recover and eventually they will contact you again when the time is right? Or they simply just don't care about you and how you feel anymore and therefore not contact you? Thanks
StyleOnEm Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 They don't really think about your recovery process. They might ask how you're doing and if you're okay but that's just because they don't want to appear inconsiderate. When they decide to move on, they are already thinking about THEIR future, not yours. 3
Mariposa10 Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 It's impossible to know. My ex was the dumper and he kept contacting every single day in the morning and before going to bed. But he still didn't want to have a relationship. We'll just go crazy if we start generalizing like this. 2
loveiswar101 Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 (edited) Who knows...I'm struggling now thinking if one day my ex will contact me (18 days BU / 8 days NC) ... life was good in one way but guess not in her eyes. The more we think about it the more we panic, get stressed and are not helping ourselves and go stir crazy. But generally I think they are looking after themselves and you come second or otherwise I guess they wouldn't of dumped us in first place. As dumpee's we have to move on. Easy to say hard to do, but think of yourself. Edited December 22, 2013 by loveiswar101
Author canal Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 Loveiswar, going through similar situation as you right now. 13days BU / 7 days NC and i'm always wondering if he will contact me after he comes back from.his family holiday overseas... i understand I should just forget about it and move on but it hurts and just pisses me off and i feel insulted for what he did to me
loveiswar101 Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Loveiswar, going through similar situation as you right now. 13days BU / 7 days NC and i'm always wondering if he will contact me after he comes back from.his family holiday overseas... i understand I should just forget about it and move on but it hurts and just pisses me off and i feel insulted for what he did to me Reading you story Canal it seems that all was not right, after 10 months I feel it weird he never moved forward in an intimate way with you. I say things weren't right from the beginning and no fault of yours. Best option is look after yourself stay NC. I think one day and maybe you do too that contact from them will be made, but guess what Ill be better and unless she (or yours) want to talk it all through with no holds barred open conversation I think I prefer to stay alone. Said to say..but true..
Author canal Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 Thank you loveiswar. I just got home after work and broke down. Maybe thinking it's 2 weeks post BU tomorrow and 1 week NC from either of us... I feel so sad and heart broken again... I hate how these feelings goes in waves. I thought i'm over it and can move on and then it's like my brain suddenly realizes it and starts putting images and memories back in and I feel like the cycle is starting all over again. This is so difficult...
MoooOinkBaaa Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 If I dump someone, I don't want to give them false hope by maintaining a friendship with them, and I also am concerned with my own life and am not interested in theirs. And i'm not contacting them again. If i've dumped someone, it's permanent, otherwise i wouldn't have dumped them. Not interested in their life? That's hard, I guess they really don't care once you break-up.
loveiswar101 Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Thank you loveiswar. I just got home after work and broke down. Maybe thinking it's 2 weeks post BU tomorrow and 1 week NC from either of us... I feel so sad and heart broken again... I hate how these feelings goes in waves. I thought i'm over it and can move on and then it's like my brain suddenly realizes it and starts putting images and memories back in and I feel like the cycle is starting all over again. This is so difficult... As a friend says to me "were only human", I woke up this morning in tears and shaking just had my second dream of my ex in 2 consecutive nights (1st nights dream we were kissing cuddling and last nights dream we were discussing what had happen) who knows whats happening in my head at the moment, but I do know 10 days ago I was angry and lost and in all sorts of trouble, but today a little better even after the dreams. I'm a grown man but end of day were only human. Long road a head for both of us. Waves of emotions will come and go, but need to fight these the best we can. Dig deep canal.... 1
ponchsox Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 They should do it out of respect but in most cases they don't want to deal with any post breakup crap. 1
Kevin_D Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 If I dump someone, I don't want to give them false hope by maintaining a friendship with them, and I also am concerned with my own life and am not interested in theirs. And i'm not contacting them again. If i've dumped someone, it's permanent, otherwise i wouldn't have dumped them. Haha wow. "Once I've made a decision, I'll stick with it, no matter what!", right? It's obvious that you think that this is a mature way to handle problems, but really, this is how things are handled in kindergarten: "We're not best friends 4-ever anymore, leave me alone!" 1
Author canal Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 As a friend says to me "were only human", I woke up this morning in tears and shaking just had my second dream of my ex in 2 consecutive nights (1st nights dream we were kissing cuddling and last nights dream we were discussing what had happen) who knows whats happening in my head at the moment, but I do know 10 days ago I was angry and lost and in all sorts of trouble, but today a little better even after the dreams. I'm a grown man but end of day were only human. Long road a head for both of us. Waves of emotions will come and go, but need to fight these the best we can. Dig deep canal.... Funny I saw my ex in my dream last night too but we were almost like strangers. I forgot the details but I remember waking up really sad. A good cry does help us during these difficult times. I felt so much better after and I hope you did too. The best is yet to come! There are so many people out there it's almost impossible, when you think about it, to not be able to find someone better who appreciates who we are and what we'll do for them! The universe works in a peculiar way and this is one of it's way to make us grow and become better =) We must support each other! Who knows what our brain will throw at us tomorrow!
ks0985 Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Doesn't matter the reason. They dumped you over thinking that kind of stuff does you no good.
cavalier99 Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Since ive been on the dumpee side ive learned that If i sense that it is painful for them i will stay NC as to not appear to be appeasing gui!lt giving them false hope or that they are a back up plan. As a dumper there is little benifit to not stay NC because it appears selfish even if you are genuianly concerned. When you are the source of their pain it is the most noble thing you can do to stay NC. Now that being said. If they are ok with contact and have a super thick skin it is easy for a dumper to reamin friends with and ex as long as it doesnt get weird. I generally err on the NC side as i dont trust their pleas of indifference early on. If you both can chat amicable about each others dating life ecetera contact is fine. This seem to take like a year though even if you get back in touch.
Am4Real Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Kevin, I'm not sure you understood the posters inputs -- she is addressing the original question in this thread. Haha wow. "Once I've made a decision, I'll stick with it, no matter what!", right? It's obvious that you think that this is a mature way to handle problems, but really, this is how things are handled in kindergarten: "We're not best friends 4-ever anymore, leave me alone!"
MoooOinkBaaa Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 If I break up with someone, i just want to move forward. I don't want to be their friend, and i don't wish them ill will, i'm just...done. It's better for everyone that way. The past is the past. If i break up with someone, it's because the relationship is broken. I'm upfront when things upset me, and i work hard at a relationship, i am supportive and non-judgmental in that relationship. I don't break up because of GIGS, or break up unexpectedly. So there is no need for me to revisit them once the deed is done. And it's unfair on them, if i were to. Why'd you break-up with your ex? Did you already try and work things out with them? My ex never brought up our relationship, she didn't even fight for it by being up front with me. We just fell out and she ended it no questions asked. 1
Kevin_D Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Kevin, I'm not sure you understood the posters inputs -- she is addressing the original question in this thread. I just think that this kind of mentality is really scary. What's she's saying is "as long as I'm together with a person, I want to make him the happiest man alive, but if I for some reason want to break up, I don't care about him anymore". Just because I don't want to be in a relationship with someone, doesn't mean that I stop caring. Many people say "I never look back" like it's a good thing. No, it's not.Sometimes, if not most of the times, WE ARE WRONG. We don't know what's best for us. If we never look back, we are unable to learn from our mistakes. Anyway, back to topic... 1
Am4Real Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Yep, breakups are scary! The poster was explaining her point of view and her process, whether it aligns with yours or mine is irelevent to break ups but relevant to her processing her own situation and future situations. What confuses many DUMPEEs is the belief the DUMPER has no reason or process or after-thought -- hence the feeling of fear, scary, etc. It's not a right or wrong perspective -- it's just a process and different for many while similar for others. I just think that this kind of mentality is really scary. What's she's saying is "as long as I'm together with a person, I want to make him the happiest man alive, but if I for some reason want to break up, I don't care about him anymore". Just because I don't want to be in a relationship with someone, doesn't mean that I stop caring. Many people say "I never look back" like it's a good thing. No, it's not.Sometimes, if not most of the times, WE ARE WRONG. We don't know what's best for us. If we never look back, we are unable to learn from our mistakes. Anyway, back to topic...
ponchsox Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 As dumpees, it's natural for us to want to hear from our dumpers after the breakup but in reality it just makes it worse. The best for both is never to speak to one another again. 3
regine_phalange Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 If you happen to have the upper hand in this situation, youd better use it in a way that will help the other person move on.
pyramid Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 I was recently the dumper, and he said he wanted to be friends. We had minimal contact for a few days but he ignored my last text, and there has been no contact for several weeks since then. Just because I was the dumper doesn't mean that I don't care about him or that I wasn't sad about the breakup. We tried to work out our issues but ultimately I still wasn't happy, and chose to end it. But being blown off or ignored still hurts, even if we aren't in a relationship anymore.
realfriends Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 Hi, Do dumpers stay NC because they understand that by staying NC they can give you space to heal and recover and eventually they will contact you again when the time is right? Or they simply just don't care about you and how you feel anymore and therefore not contact you? Thanks To be honest, Ive been wondering this myself. I want to give my ex the benefit of the doubt but why should I. She hasnt contacted me after 30 days and I'm trying to mentally prepare that she will NEVER contact me again. Although it may seem drastic, it will prepare you for the worst or (possibly for some people) best case scenario.
Kalinka1 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I'm afraid to say that whenever I have been the dumper - and the break-up was not mutual like the one with my most serious partner (4.5 years together) - I'd go NC because the dumpees would just end up bothering me too much, trying to get back together, and I just didn't want them to have any hope that it is going to happen. Ever. Sorry to say that We would eventually get back in touch after years have passed and they'd be in new relationships and just keep each other updated every now and again. Thing is - when I dump someone, it is usually because I don't find them sexually attractive anymore. And there is nothing that could ever change that (as their looks didn't change or anything). I'd just get bored after 2-3 years.
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