sportynut38 Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 Hi everyone and thanks for reading (and in advance for any replies). I have been a member of this site before but life and general things interferred but now I find my way back. I have been lurking for a bit of time again ... and know this to be a very caring and wonderful community. I met a terrific guy this past summer and we started dating. We have become the best of friends and talk about anything and everything, well at least til now. We overcame a lot of hurdles, met each others kids, spent Thanksgiving together (with a total of seven kids running around ... wow) and have never fought about anything. We have similiar interests but enough differences to know that we are not the same on everything (kind of like he likes rock and roll, I like country). Any time anything came to interfer with our "bubble" we would discuss and work together. We both have ex-spouses who have tried to interject their opinion, he has a few ex girlfriends that would like to get back together, but through everything, we remained solid and pretty much were just us. We deal with things as they come, well usually. Everything came to a crash about three weeks ago. He is a pretty big head honcho with the ANG and some allegations were made against him. I believe they are untrue and unfounded, he is worried about his job. Totally understandable, but with the holidays coming up and such, I "think" it all got to him at once and he began feeling as if everyone was pulling him in different directions. To make this seemlessly long story short, he ended our relationship four days before Christmas asking for time and space for him to deal with all that was going on. He has his ex wife badgering him because she thinks she can't compete with me with her children (as I wouldn't expect because I am not their mom .. and I can be the fun person), he has his children who have never met anyone he dated saying that it is odd for them to see us together, and the biggest is the fear he has that the job he loves and worked 15 years for go up in smoke and have to go back to building houses. I do understand that he is under a ton of stress and would do anything for him. We have talked three times since this happened, last night being the most current. He says that he is sorry that I fell in love (because of everything going on), that talking to me makes him uncomfortable as he knows why I am in pain but unable to stop it, has also stated if all this hadn't of happened, he would have proposed. All I want to do is show him that I do care for him, as the guy I love and also as a human who is dealing with a great deal of pressure from everyone. But I don't know exactly what to do as I have never been placed in this position. He says he will call, but he doesn't ... and I don't get upset or offended. I don't call him except maybe every three or four days just to say hi and see what is going on. Usually they go to voicemail and once in awhile he will call back. My friends who all know him, say that we will get back together again as this is just so much for him. I don't know what I think as my thoughts vary minute to minute. His christmas gift to me was a grey sweatshirt sprayed with cologne as he would do everytime he had to leave town for a few days. I left his christmas gifts and his childrens' outside his garage door on Christmas eve without saying who they were from (he also had mentioned that he had no bulbs or lights for tree so I bought some and left in the bag ... no kid should have a bare tree). He left a message on my cell phone saying how I always seem to amaze him and how very sweet and kind I am to think of that. My thing is, I would do anything for him. He is a wonderful man whom I love very deeply. My cell phone number has changed but the house number and my work are the same. He knew the cell numbeer would be changing but doesn't have the new number. (I have thought of sending it in a hello greeting card, or an email, or leaving it on his voicemail but have yet to do anything). After last night when he said it made him uncomfortable to talk to me, I made a solid resolution to not call anymore or do anything to bother him. My friends are divided and say I should call and leave upbeat happy messages, some say I should leave him alone and let him contact me. My question is: what do I do? Two days after he asked for time and space, he returned some things of mine but to this date will not accept his things back (I have wine glasses, a shirt and his wet/dry vac). I guess I am just confused and lost ... as I have been since he said goodbye. Any ideas?
sean001 Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 This is a tough one. And it's tough because both of you have invested a lot of time into this relationship and have worked through problems before. It's also tough because a part of me says that I'm just not buying the whole "too much pressure thing." If I was being faced with losing everything in my life, I would most certainly NOT want to also risk losing a woman that I loved and wanted to propose to. But with that said, I could also understand feeling so beat down by a potential loss of a career that I wouldn't feel "worthy" of marrying someone I thought was great at the moment. Nevertheless, you are the best judge for what motivations he may have for not wanting to see you right now. Either way, he has made his request and you need to respect it with NO CONTACT. Since you've known each other for some time, it would make sense to send him a note with your new cell phone number letting him know you'll be there if he needs you but that you want to respect his wishes and move on. Also, if I were you, I would spend some serious time thinking about his reaction to this life-changing event. In life, we are always going to be faced with extreme challenges and the question is whether those challenges bring us closer to the ones we love, or if they pull us apart. If he shuts down and pulls away when faced with challenges then you need to consider whether or not he has the level of commitment you need for a long-term successful marriage. If you can deal with this, so be it. But just know that you can expect this again in the future.
Author sportynut38 Posted January 5, 2005 Author Posted January 5, 2005 Thanks for your reply. I am torn by this entire thing because one thing he said was that he felt he had to be "responsible" for myself and my children (as if he had to support us one day) when in fact I work pretty hard, I pay my bills and do what I can for him. He makes considerable money, and has to pay an astromonical amount of maintenance and child support but that will all change as the years go by. Right now he is paying her house, her van, and her insurance but come April her house is on her, her van gets paid off this summer and her insurance goes with the van. Money was never an issue with us, because even though I make less, I have more to spend than he would. I also know what a hell hole his marriage was and how much of himself he had to sacrifice to keep it going for as long as he did (18 years). She would move out (he would support) while she had a new boyfriend, only to let her come back when she would get bored. I also know he is in counseling for some of the effects she left on him (telling him his clothes looked bad so often he will still now not be able to take a compliment on his look or attire). She did quite a job on him killing his self esteem and such, but he is also working on that. Another thing that he deals with is that fact that for so many years she controlled his life, and now she still tries and he falls into that pattern. He works on it, and has made great strides ... but always a relapse around the bend. I take these as they come and comment very little, but I know it bothers him when it happens and he falls into the trap. She has gone so far as to tell me how stabilizing and great I am with her kids, to calling him saying how it hurts her to see us together and how he isn't respecting her feelings. He has had to pay a great deal of money for a restraining order, but still has yet to call the sherriff's office when she is in a foul mood (usually when she lost interest in current boyfriend). Everyone who knows her vs me will say that he has gone from one end of the spectrum to another.... perhaps that is part of the problem. With me, what you see is what you get, with her and her bi-polar (diagnosed but refuses medication) she will go from sweet to witch in nothing flat. I know he can commit, and I know he has to an extent. But I am not so silly as to think that all the time he had invested with her didn't do more damage than good. Perhaps you are right in the No Contact. . He is a good guy, I just hate seeing him being torn in so many different directions.
Author sportynut38 Posted January 6, 2005 Author Posted January 6, 2005 I know I have written a book on this, and I apologize. It just seems to help a bit to get out all of this and hope someone has some input. I did send a little greeting card (said "just think if we had never met, I would be sending mail to a total stranger ... how's it going) ... and wrote a short message with my new cell phone number and that I hope he was doing well. I could have dropped it at his house faster than the mail will get it to him, lol, but I sent it and he should get it tomorrow or Friday. I don't expect a reply or answer from him, and that will most likely (unless I get weak) be the last contact I have with him. Well at least til he contacts me, if he does. It sucks to miss him so much, and to know that we broke up over something that had absoultely nothing to do with us (as people it affects but as a couple it shouldn't have). It also sucks that to me, if you care about someone, you stand by them through the good and the bad ... not dump them from your life if something isn't the way you want.
sean001 Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 Thank you for the update. It sounds like you have a good grasp on everything, despite your realization how difficult it may be for some time. You're definitely doing the right thing. I wish you the best of luck with everything and I certainly hope you check back often.
Author sportynut38 Posted January 10, 2005 Author Posted January 10, 2005 I wanted to see how he was doing so I called one of his best friends, she is also a friend of mine (but through him). I said that I didn't want to put her in an awkward situation but was worried about how he was holding up. She said that he "isn't quite himself" but that work had put him back on flight status and he had spent the weekend training (wooo hooo for him!). I know that had to be a great thing for him as flying was/is all he ever wanted to do. She also said that he had said that he had decided against seeing me, not stating a reason. She had said that's too bad, I thought she was a really nice person. His reply was that I am an amazing person and he feels terrible for hurting me. She said that with everything hitting him at once, he was really confused and unsettled and that the previous experience with the ex had left their marks on him. Said to let him deal with things and that she hoped things worked out for us. She also said that I should leave voicemails or send a card once in awhile just saying hi and that I was thinking of him. I don't know if I can do that as of yet, because my emotions are such a roller coaster. I want everything to work out for him but I don't want to become one more problem or stress in his life. She also said that I was able to contact her anytime but I simply said that she had helped enough and that again, I didn't want anyone put into an awkward situation ... just wanted to see if he was emotionally ok (I know he wasn't getting any sleep and had already lost 15 lbs.). I also mentioned the fact that none of his friends had come into the resturant since he broke up, and that I hoped I wasn't the reason. She said that they didn't know how I was doing or reacting and didn't want to make me mad or upset (ok, so they base me off his ex~wifes behavior ... ugh). So three of his friends come in for lunch, like old times. I started shaking so bad, lol, but I waited on them and we did some chatting (nothing at all was said about him). When one of his close friends was leaving, he took me aside and said that he wasn't avoiding me, that he had been on leave for the holidays and that he hoped things worked out because he really believes I was the best thing ever for him. This isn't building up hopes for a reconcilation, but it does make me feel better to know that he seems to be getting things back on track for himself. I really worry about him and all that he has been dealt. Thanks again for letting me air all of this, it seems to keep me sane (most of the time).
Recommended Posts