Author mikejensen3355 Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 This sucks but I think you are right. OP, I feel awful for you. My daughter was separated from me for a period close to six months. It was brutal. The world turned gray. One thing that kept me afloat was knowing that my relationship with her could NEVER be ended by an outside force. That millions of parents had lost their children through disease and war etc. on a permanent and final basis forever. Why could my relationship with my daughter not be ended? Because I was her mother and chose to continue to be regardless of her physical presence or not. I fought for her with every last ounce. Clearly it isn't the same for instance for you as the reunion won't happen. However, long before my daughter's fate was decided I decided that I had been her mother and that I had bonded with her abd it had effected her and would for the rest of her life. Furthermore, I could still continue our relationship by everyday doing something (even something small) for her by trying to make the world she was growing up in a better place. That was how I would be her mother for the rest of my life if it came down to it. And if she were to pass away, I would spend each day making the world a better place for children everywhere to grow up in, in her memory. A child can be taken away, but you bring a parent to that child can never truly be taken away fully if you choose. I'm really happy for you that you were able to get her back. You sound like a very loving mother. But me being a parent to them has been taken away. I'm not their biological father and I'll never have any rights to see them ever again. I am trying though to volunteer as much as I can and do things for other children. But at the end of the day it's not the same. I don't get to tuck these kids into bed and wake up and make breakfast for them. I love making those other kids happy, but that level of closeness and love will never be there again until I have my own kids, and that could be years down the line.
Author mikejensen3355 Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 I don't think I have any words to make you feel better, but what struck me most about your post is your ability to love children. Even though you won't be able to love your ex's children any longer, there are women out there who would feel grateful to have a man like you in their life and to father their children. I was so touched reading about your devotion to those kids who were not even biologically your own. It shows so much about your character. You are capable of deep love. Not everyone is. What a gift. One day, you will share your loving nature with a wonderful wife who appreciates you and a beautiful family of your own. Thanks, I appreciate that. But it seems much more like a curse. Everyone else I see in life is happy. I'm dead inside and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish I could enjoy life again like other people are able to.
MovingOnfinally Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Yes you are filled with sorrow, your heart has been shattered. Ask yourself.. Would you rather live a lie? Could you be ok living with a person that has feelings for someone else? Is that fair to you? I speak from experience. I took my wife back after finding out of her affair and inappropriate behavior. I took a chance and didn't just take that easy path, of walking away. We have children, so I wanted to give every chance I had. My conclusion? I'm an idiot!!!!!! Yes I did the honorable thing, blah blah, but I look back and see things very clearly. Once a spouse gets that "taste". That excitement. It's hard to go back to the bills, mortgage, kids......marriage. It's understandable, path of least resistance. No worries on side B, of course that's the option. I chose to stay with the woman I loved. I knew she didn't love me, obviously, she cheated. I chose to listen to her heartfelt lies about no contact with this guy. Even after catching her contacting him again, I still stayed. Finally? When I received an email from him, showing me they were in contact again? I moved on. The pain in staying in a disrespectful relationship will be far greater than accepting reality and moving on. Do not prolong your healing. There are far to many people out there that you have yet to meet. That one person? That person that wants you, as much as you them? Don't let them get away while you are wasting valued energy on some cheater that doesn't love you. 1
Haydn Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Mike this true. You deserve someone who loves you not this one sided need. Its very hard now but it will get better with a bit of time and you doing something for yourself. Stand back from her actions focus on the little ones. The new year can bring a new love, you will get there. Keep posting friend. Yes you are filled with sorrow, your heart has been shattered. Ask yourself.. Would you rather live a lie? Could you be ok living with a person that has feelings for someone else? Is that fair to you? I speak from experience. I took my wife back after finding out of her affair and inappropriate behavior. I took a chance and didn't just take that easy path, of walking away. We have children, so I wanted to give every chance I had. My conclusion? I'm an idiot!!!!!! Yes I did the honorable thing, blah blah, but I look back and see things very clearly. Once a spouse gets that "taste". That excitement. It's hard to go back to the bills, mortgage, kids......marriage. It's understandable, path of least resistance. No worries on side B, of course that's the option. I chose to stay with the woman I loved. I knew she didn't love me, obviously, she cheated. I chose to listen to her heartfelt lies about no contact with this guy. Even after catching her contacting him again, I still stayed. Finally? When I received an email from him, showing me they were in contact again? I moved on. The pain in staying in a disrespectful relationship will be far greater than accepting reality and moving on. Do not prolong your healing. There are far to many people out there that you have yet to meet. That one person? That person that wants you, as much as you them? Don't let them get away while you are wasting valued energy on some cheater that doesn't love you.
headinthecloud Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Happiness is choice. I still think of my ex but I know we're incompatible and he doesn't give me a second thought so it's all my wasted energy. So I choose to focus on me whenever he pops into my head. It's much easier now than 4mos ago so practice does work...that and time. If you continue to dwell on what you lost your depressive mindset will continue. Stop the negative thinking and conciously choose to have faith in what will be.
Author mikejensen3355 Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 I'm so sorry this happened to you. Have you tried volunteering to a children's hospital or foundation? It might be a good outlet for you and help kids in the process too. Or would that just make it worse for you? You're a good person, like LadyM said. You just need to allow time to do its thing. I wish you all the best in your recovery. Yeah I've been volunteering. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it makes it worse. Thanks, I hope recovery is even possible.
Am4Real Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Mike, I read the first page of posts and not the rest. No disrespect to the many following posts and posters but the theme of the messages are all on track and surely continue in support for you and your feelings. You seem to have it genuinely together and working on all the correct focus points. The answer to your comprehension was in an early post from “Haydn” which I think you should realize. He told you it was FREE WILL!!! Yes, free will to treat this situation and your recovery from these unbalanced emotions. Not only are you free now (given you didn’t want to be FREE from her and the children, I understand that clearly, but it not what I refer to) you have complete FREE WILL to do whatever you want to do, how you want to do it, when and with whom. Some people on this planet would give anything for such a privilege and you already have it right before you. Exercise that FREE WILL man! Don’t waste what so many others are dying for, craving and only dreaming about… If you feel you are already using that FREE WILL then great, keep exercising that freedom, keep doing what you’re doing, keep pushing. You know what’s holding you back from FREE WILL? [highlight]Absolutely nothing![/highlight] Right now TIME is your anchor. As you drag it along, it temporary resists until you pull harder, then it releases and moves with you until it digs in again. Keep dragging it, keep your ship heading towards deeper waters because the further you head out and away from this situation will the waters get deeper and the anchor lift off the bottom, it will dangle freely from your vessel and at that point you can pull it up and be gone. Don’t give up Mike – don’t give up on FREE WILL and recognize TIME is just a temporary anchor. 1
Author mikejensen3355 Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 Are you going to church? If not, that would be a great start. Nothing in this world supersedes my relationship with God. I don't think it's really a possibility for me to have a relationship with "God", if there is one. If praying helped you, I'm happy for you, but I think the healing probably was more a factor of time and coincidence. From volunteering at the children's hospital I've seen how much kids and their families suffer. And a lot of them have a relentless faith in "God". But most of the time all that's in store for them is another day of suffering and a lot of times death and even more grief. There's no blessing. While that stuff helps a little in putting things in perspective, I've learned 2 things: "God" likes to reward bad people, and that it's entirely possible that "God" just flat out enjoys and relishes human suffering. I know there's no help coming, and ill keep doing that stuff because it puts a smile on the faces of "God"'s unwanted children and maybe I can help make their day better, but certainly not to please "God". I appreciate you trying to help, my ranting isn't directed at you at all just so you know.
Am4Real Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Mike, This post is not healthy my friend. Your EX left you. Period. You mentioned in your very first post on this thread "If there is a GOD, I don't know what he wants from me". I would not suggest to you there is a GOD for you or there is not -- it's not the mission of this forum, this is about break ups and dealing with the pain. The poster PONCHSOX seems to be suggesting you seek your own answers to your own questions. If you have already rejected the idea of GOD, then your posts are merely argumentative with each other. Perhaps you should switch to the COPING forum where others can help you focus on coing mechanisms. I don't think it's really a possibility for me to have a relationship with "God", if there is one. If praying helped you, I'm happy for you, but I think the healing probably was more a factor of time and coincidence. From volunteering at the children's hospital I've seen how much kids and their families suffer. And a lot of them have a relentless faith in "God". But most of the time all that's in store for them is another day of suffering and a lot of times death and even more grief. There's no blessing. While that stuff helps a little in putting things in perspective, I've learned 2 things: "God" likes to reward bad people, and that it's entirely possible that "God" just flat out enjoys and relishes human suffering. I know there's no help coming, and ill keep doing that stuff because it puts a smile on the faces of "God"'s unwanted children and maybe I can help make their day better, but certainly not to please "God". I appreciate you trying to help, my ranting isn't directed at you at all just so you know.
Author mikejensen3355 Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 God is all loving and he wants us to have love in our lives.....i believe he guides us to epopel we need in our life...hang on a sec goign to google a quote that might be helpful..im baaaaaaack...lol......yay found two....here they are these two i find are helpful i get very upset when people walk in and out of my life.......it triggers things in me i dont like..... depression is one......i am a lifer girl.....believe in life long friends and lovers and family......and beyond into the next ...yep idealist me......these quotes are two of my faves and i found them for you........hugs.....hope they help a little had soemthign happen today ...your post made me fidn these quotes.....for you....but also for me....so thankyou ...that was a guide i think....from god.....that i read your post now instead of tomorrow..........good luck....deb Thanks for going out of your way to find those. I hope there's some kind of truth to that stuff, but I'm not sure there is. Right now it just feels like all that happened is just keeping me stuck.
Author mikejensen3355 Posted December 24, 2013 Author Posted December 24, 2013 I'm so sorry. Like the other posters said, I can tell how much love you have for those children. Your capacity for love is amazing. I was a single mom with two kids for years (husband died) and I had issues dating as I didn't think another man could love the kids enough so I'm in awe. That being said, what you're going through is grief. It's like they passed away and are no longer in your life. Grief can take a long time my friend and you are doing all the right things - you just have to keep on. It took me a couple years when my husband passed. Therapy is good. Do you like your therapist? Also, getting out and doing different things? Traveling? Those kids were lucky to have you in their life, and it was a gift. You will have your own kids some day and they will be incredible too. It's so hard to accept that now but it's true. Keep posting in here - it helps. I'm always around if you want to chat too. Thank you. And I'm really sorry about your husband. You're incredibly strong for getting through it and I'm glad you have your kids to help you. I like my therapist, but ultimately nothing she says can bring those kids back into my life. Neither can all my distractions. Like you said, it's grief and it just hurts really bad. I can't travel because they'll be all I think of, all the trips we had together. I just don't know what to do. Thanks though, I may take you up on your offer to chat one day.
Christ is Love Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 There is hope for a brighter future, but you have to speak positive to yourself instead of negative. Instead of saying she was the greatest and so were her kids, and I will never find anyone else like them, try saying even though it doesn't seem like it now, I know that they were removed from my life for a reason and I know that I still have a very promising future with the great people that will cross my path at the right time. Continue to be with close friends and family and please above all be positive toward yourself. Negativity will harm your well being. Even your title "I don't think I can make it" could be more positive like, I'm still making it even through the hard times. Take care of yourself above all else. Good luck
Author mikejensen3355 Posted December 29, 2013 Author Posted December 29, 2013 It's pathetic. Even though she left me for another guy, making her and her kids happy was the most joy I've ever gotten in life. Going on dates with other women doesn't feel complete without those kids. And if I just tried to date single mothers it wouldn't help because I'd probably compare her kid or kids to the two I loved so much. I think she broke me. There is no way to move on from this. I know life isn't fair, but wow it can just be flat out cruel. I'm going to be in this pain for a long, long time. It's been 6 months and it's still intense. So intense sometimes it's hard to breathe. I'll keep going on, but maybe I'm just a weak dude. I don't think I'll ever really recover from this.
Christ is Love Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 You should probably seek professional counseling. 1
notthathard Posted December 29, 2013 Posted December 29, 2013 Man, your actually doing this to yourself. Your making yourself believe that you cant live without her. You can move on from this!, you need to make yourself stronger from this experience. Its been 6 months, now is the time to change yourself. Start by shutting down your negative thoughts that are coming through and turn them into positive thoughts. Nothing good is ever achieved when having a negative mindset. It sounds like you were very focused on making her and her kids happy when you really should have focused a bit more on yourself.
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