mikejensen3355 Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 It's been 6 months and I'm still just broken. She has 2 little kids and I really loved them. I loved doing everything for and with them and nothing else can compare. She left me for someone else and since then I've just been empty and dead inside. I can't enjoy my time with my family or friends or anything. I thought they were going to be my family forever. I've been working hard, exercising, I'm in sports leagues, I volunteer, I've seen a therapist, I've filled up all my time, I've sat and let it hurt and hoping it'll release. I've done everything. If there is a God, I don't know what he wants from me. I was good to her and the kids. I just don't know what to do. I can't do anything without being reminded about all those moments with them. I look at everyone else on the streets and wherever I go and I feel like I'm on a different planet. Everyone else is living their lives, happy, enjoying the moment. And I just can't. I don't remember what it's like to feel good about anything. I'm not going to off myself or anything like that. But I feel like my life is over. I just don't think I'm really ever going to heal from this. No kids are ever going to be like those kids. And it could be years before I ever have that experience again. I'm damaged goods when I date because of it too, because those girls don't have those kids. It's impossible to compete with. I'm just venting. I'll go back to faking like I'm having a good time with my family now.
Haydn Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 God has nothing to do with it. You have free will so act on it and stop wallowing in a pool of self pity. We have all been there but at some point you need to get out and you will. You have done everything? What have you done for yourself? It's been 6 months and I'm still just broken. She has 2 little kids and I really loved them. I loved doing everything for and with them and nothing else can compare. She left me for someone else and since then I've just been empty and dead inside. I can't enjoy my time with my family or friends or anything. I thought they were going to be my family forever. I've been working hard, exercising, I'm in sports leagues, I volunteer, I've seen a therapist, I've filled up all my time, I've sat and let it hurt and hoping it'll release. I've done everything. If there is a God, I don't know what he wants from me. I was good to her and the kids. I just don't know what to do. I can't do anything without being reminded about all those moments with them. I look at everyone else on the streets and wherever I go and I feel like I'm on a different planet. Everyone else is living their lives, happy, enjoying the moment. And I just can't. I don't remember what it's like to feel good about anything. I'm not going to off myself or anything like that. But I feel like my life is over. I just don't think I'm really ever going to heal from this. No kids are ever going to be like those kids. And it could be years before I ever have that experience again. I'm damaged goods when I date because of it too, because those girls don't have those kids. It's impossible to compete with. I'm just venting. I'll go back to faking like I'm having a good time with my family now. 4
Zoe Lilith Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 It's been 6 months and I'm still just broken. She has 2 little kids and I really loved them. I loved doing everything for and with them and nothing else can compare. She left me for someone else and since then I've just been empty and dead inside. I can't enjoy my time with my family or friends or anything. I thought they were going to be my family forever. I've been working hard, exercising, I'm in sports leagues, I volunteer, I've seen a therapist, I've filled up all my time, I've sat and let it hurt and hoping it'll release. I've done everything. If there is a God, I don't know what he wants from me. I was good to her and the kids. I just don't know what to do. I can't do anything without being reminded about all those moments with them. I look at everyone else on the streets and wherever I go and I feel like I'm on a different planet. Everyone else is living their lives, happy, enjoying the moment. And I just can't. I don't remember what it's like to feel good about anything. I'm not going to off myself or anything like that. But I feel like my life is over. I just don't think I'm really ever going to heal from this. No kids are ever going to be like those kids. And it could be years before I ever have that experience again. I'm damaged goods when I date because of it too, because those girls don't have those kids. It's impossible to compete with. I'm just venting. I'll go back to faking like I'm having a good time with my family now. She left you for someone else..horrible. You should think about that! She is an insecure woman. You did your best and that wasn't good enough for her..Stop thinking about "how it was", think about YOUR future and concentrate on yourself! 4
KatZee Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I feel sorry for her kids more than anything. She jumps from man to man and exposes her kids like it's nothing. They are never going to form healthy bonds with a father figure when they have a mother so reckless and irresponsible. People come in and out of your life for a reason. There was a reason you guys were together, and now there is a reason you guys are not together. People are always meant to be teaching you something, or you're meant to teach her something. The time for learning has come to an end with you two. You've learned all you can from each other and now it's time to take those lessons onto the next person. Yes, the next person won't have those kids, but they can and will be equally as amazing if not more so, because they'll have way more integrity than to just up and dump you for another person. Don't let your ex ruin your views on dating and getting to know other people. Is it going to take time to move past? Of course. But will you ultimately get past it? Of course. 3
Author mikejensen3355 Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 God has nothing to do with it. You have free will so act on it and stop wallowing in a pool of self pity. We have all been there but at some point you need to get out and you will. You have done everything? What have you done for yourself? I've gotten in better shape, I'm trying to do good for other people, I'm working hard at my job, I'm meeting new people. I have no idea what else to do.
KatZee Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I've gotten in better shape, I'm trying to do good for other people, I'm working hard at my job, I'm meeting new people. I have no idea what else to do. Then just let time take care of the rest. You're doing all the right things, getting out there, now you just need to learn to live alone again. Rediscover yourself. Not yourself + a woman with kids.
Author mikejensen3355 Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 She left you for someone else..horrible. You should think about that! She is an insecure woman. You did your best and that wasn't good enough for her..Stop thinking about "how it was", think about YOUR future and concentrate on yourself! I'm really trying to. I'm for the most part over her. But I have no idea how to get past the kids. All those great family moments that are just gone.
Haydn Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 It has to be for yourself not other people. Job-keep going you need this. Reality or not. Its so important. Its the reason to get up in the morning. What else to do? Keep true to yourself and remember they did not want you. So they lost not you. Keep posting friend. Lots of people want you to come out of this. You will. I've gotten in better shape, I'm trying to do good for other people, I'm working hard at my job, I'm meeting new people. I have no idea what else to do.
Author mikejensen3355 Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 I feel sorry for her kids more than anything. She jumps from man to man and exposes her kids like it's nothing. They are never going to form healthy bonds with a father figure when they have a mother so reckless and irresponsible. People come in and out of your life for a reason. There was a reason you guys were together, and now there is a reason you guys are not together. People are always meant to be teaching you something, or you're meant to teach her something. The time for learning has come to an end with you two. You've learned all you can from each other and now it's time to take those lessons onto the next person. Yes, the next person won't have those kids, but they can and will be equally as amazing if not more so, because they'll have way more integrity than to just up and dump you for another person. Don't let your ex ruin your views on dating and getting to know other people. Is it going to take time to move past? Of course. But will you ultimately get past it? Of course. Thanks. I appreciate what you're saying but I just don't know what I learned from her. To not trust a woman again? To not put my whole heart out there again? To turn her insecurities about being a single mother and convincing her that her kids aren't a burden to another man but a gift? None of that worked out in my favor. I don't know if I can believe that things happen for a reason. That would be putting faith into the idea of a God or some kind of universal system. The same God or universe that consistently rewards bad people. I just want to feel good again. It just hurts all the time and I'm just stuck.
Author mikejensen3355 Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 It has to be for yourself not other people. Job-keep going you need this. Reality or not. Its so important. Its the reason to get up in the morning. What else to do? Keep true to yourself and remember they did not want you. So they lost not you. Keep posting friend. Lots of people want you to come out of this. You will. That's what's so hard is it wasn't the kids that didn't want me. She didn't, and yeah I could've survived this if it was just her. The kids and I loved each other. I can't hate them and say I'm better off without them. I'm not. I loved them like they were my own and they made me a better person.
Zoe Lilith Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I'm really trying to. I'm for the most part over her. But I have no idea how to get past the kids. All those great family moments that are just gone. I understand, you got too attached to the kids...You have to let that go as soon as possible, so that you can move on and have your own family.
Haydn Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 You should not hate anyone anyway. You will be a better person if you give yourself a chance to morn your loss and the you will accept. No its not easy, never was, never will be, thats why you are human. Keep going and posting. That's what's so hard is it wasn't the kids that didn't want me. She didn't, and yeah I could've survived this if it was just her. The kids and I loved each other. I can't hate them and say I'm better off without them. I'm not. I loved them like they were my own and they made me a better person. 1
KatZee Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Thanks. I appreciate what you're saying but I just don't know what I learned from her. To not trust a woman again? To not put my whole heart out there again? To turn her insecurities about being a single mother and convincing her that her kids aren't a burden to another man but a gift? None of that worked out in my favor. I don't know if I can believe that things happen for a reason. That would be putting faith into the idea of a God or some kind of universal system. The same God or universe that consistently rewards bad people. I just want to feel good again. It just hurts all the time and I'm just stuck. To learn that there are crappy people out there, but not everyone is the same. To learn that you'll be a great father one day to your own kids. To show someone such a high level of selflessness that you were able to take on her kids. You may have taught her own to be selfless herself. It may not be now, but someday it will hit her. It may not make sense to you now, but as time goes on it will. 3
BC1980 Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 That's what's so hard is it wasn't the kids that didn't want me. She didn't, and yeah I could've survived this if it was just her. The kids and I loved each other. I can't hate them and say I'm better off without them. I'm not. I loved them like they were my own and they made me a better person. I was very attached to my ex's son. In fact, I saw my ex's son more than my ex did because he was a workaholic. I spent everyday caring for this child because his mother died when he was small. There was no one else to take him to soccer practice, ect. We were together everyday, and I saw him more than my ex. For all intents and purposes, I was his mother. I will tell you what I have had to do. I pretend like my ex's son does not exist. As awful as that sounds, I had to do it to move on. Because let's face it: I will probably never see him again. I felt tremendous guilt after the relationship for stopping involvement with my ex's son, but there is no other choice. I made my commitment to my ex and his child very clear, and I was under the impression we were getting married. My ex saw fit to lead me on and even tell his child we were getting married. He apparently didn't give a sh*t about the impact this will have on his child who already lost a mother. There is nothing else I can do for my ex's son, and it's just something I have had to accept like a bitter pill.
dreamingoftigers Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 This sucks but I think you are right. OP, I feel awful for you. My daughter was separated from me for a period close to six months. It was brutal. The world turned gray. One thing that kept me afloat was knowing that my relationship with her could NEVER be ended by an outside force. That millions of parents had lost their children through disease and war etc. on a permanent and final basis forever. Why could my relationship with my daughter not be ended? Because I was her mother and chose to continue to be regardless of her physical presence or not. I fought for her with every last ounce. Clearly it isn't the same for instance for you as the reunion won't happen. However, long before my daughter's fate was decided I decided that I had been her mother and that I had bonded with her abd it had effected her and would for the rest of her life. Furthermore, I could still continue our relationship by everyday doing something (even something small) for her by trying to make the world she was growing up in a better place. That was how I would be her mother for the rest of my life if it came down to it. And if she were to pass away, I would spend each day making the world a better place for children everywhere to grow up in, in her memory. A child can be taken away, but you bring a parent to that child can never truly be taken away fully if you choose. I was very attached to my ex's son. In fact, I saw my ex's son more than my ex did because he was a workaholic. I spent everyday caring for this child because his mother died when he was small. There was no one else to take him to soccer practice, ect. We were together everyday, and I saw him more than my ex. For all intents and purposes, I was his mother. I will tell you what I have had to do. I pretend like my ex's son does not exist. As awful as that sounds, I had to do it to move on. Because let's face it: I will probably never see him again. I felt tremendous guilt after the relationship for stopping involvement with my ex's son, but there is no other choice. I made my commitment to my ex and his child very clear, and I was under the impression we were getting married. My ex saw fit to lead me on and even tell his child we were getting married. He apparently didn't give a sh*t about the impact this will have on his child who already lost a mother. There is nothing else I can do for my ex's son, and it's just something I have had to accept like a bitter pill.
ponchsox Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 It's been 6 months and I'm still just broken. She has 2 little kids and I really loved them. I loved doing everything for and with them and nothing else can compare. She left me for someone else and since then I've just been empty and dead inside. I can't enjoy my time with my family or friends or anything. I thought they were going to be my family forever. I've been working hard, exercising, I'm in sports leagues, I volunteer, I've seen a therapist, I've filled up all my time, I've sat and let it hurt and hoping it'll release. I've done everything. If there is a God, I don't know what he wants from me. I was good to her and the kids. I just don't know what to do. I can't do anything without being reminded about all those moments with them. I look at everyone else on the streets and wherever I go and I feel like I'm on a different planet. Everyone else is living their lives, happy, enjoying the moment. And I just can't. I don't remember what it's like to feel good about anything. I'm not going to off myself or anything like that. But I feel like my life is over. I just don't think I'm really ever going to heal from this. No kids are ever going to be like those kids. And it could be years before I ever have that experience again. I'm damaged goods when I date because of it too, because those girls don't have those kids. It's impossible to compete with. I'm just venting. I'll go back to faking like I'm having a good time with my family now. God wants you to put your faith in him and trust him. We go through challenges as a test of our faith. Pray and he will bless you. 2
LadyM Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 I don't think I have any words to make you feel better, but what struck me most about your post is your ability to love children. Even though you won't be able to love your ex's children any longer, there are women out there who would feel grateful to have a man like you in their life and to father their children. I was so touched reading about your devotion to those kids who were not even biologically your own. It shows so much about your character. You are capable of deep love. Not everyone is. What a gift. One day, you will share your loving nature with a wonderful wife who appreciates you and a beautiful family of your own. 4
strive Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 I'm so sorry this happened to you. Have you tried volunteering to a children's hospital or foundation? It might be a good outlet for you and help kids in the process too. Or would that just make it worse for you? You're a good person, like LadyM said. You just need to allow time to do its thing. I wish you all the best in your recovery. 2
Author mikejensen3355 Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 To learn that there are crappy people out there, but not everyone is the same. To learn that you'll be a great father one day to your own kids. To show someone such a high level of selflessness that you were able to take on her kids. You may have taught her own to be selfless herself. It may not be now, but someday it will hit her. It may not make sense to you now, but as time goes on it will. Thanks. I really hope so. Because none of it makes sense now. And it's impossible to see ever feeling better about never seeing the kids again.
Author mikejensen3355 Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 I understand, you got too attached to the kids...You have to let that go as soon as possible, so that you can move on and have your own family. I wish I knew how to let it go. I would love to move on.
Author mikejensen3355 Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 You should not hate anyone anyway. You will be a better person if you give yourself a chance to morn your loss and the you will accept. No its not easy, never was, never will be, thats why you are human. Keep going and posting. The thought of how long it's going to take to mourn is what's scary. It's 6 months later and at times it feels like the day the breakup happened.
ponchsox Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Are you going to church? If not, that would be a great start. Nothing in this world supersedes my relationship with God.
Author mikejensen3355 Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 I was very attached to my ex's son. In fact, I saw my ex's son more than my ex did because he was a workaholic. I spent everyday caring for this child because his mother died when he was small. There was no one else to take him to soccer practice, ect. We were together everyday, and I saw him more than my ex. For all intents and purposes, I was his mother. I will tell you what I have had to do. I pretend like my ex's son does not exist. As awful as that sounds, I had to do it to move on. Because let's face it: I will probably never see him again. I felt tremendous guilt after the relationship for stopping involvement with my ex's son, but there is no other choice. I made my commitment to my ex and his child very clear, and I was under the impression we were getting married. My ex saw fit to lead me on and even tell his child we were getting married. He apparently didn't give a sh*t about the impact this will have on his child who already lost a mother. There is nothing else I can do for my ex's son, and it's just something I have had to accept like a bitter pill. I don't know how you did it. Getting over the loss of the kids is way tougher than losing any woman I've ever been with. I don't know if I can just pretend they don't exist. I think it's just something that's always going to hurt for the rest of my life, and I'll just have to deal with it. It's an extremely bitter pill.
todreaminblue Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 God is all loving and he wants us to have love in our lives.....i believe he guides us to epopel we need in our life...hang on a sec goign to google a quote that might be helpful..im baaaaaaack...lol......yay found two....here they are God puts people in your life for a reason. They may stay for a long time or they may stay for a short time. Its up to you to learn from that person, no matter what they did to you because once you have, you have figured out the reason God put them in your life. You may not like that reason, but it helps you grow as an individual and helps guide you through life. - Cameron Hendrixson People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.\ these two i find are helpful i get very upset when people walk in and out of my life.......it triggers things in me i dont like..... depression is one......i am a lifer girl.....believe in life long friends and lovers and family......and beyond into the next ...yep idealist me......these quotes are two of my faves and i found them for you........hugs.....hope they help a little had soemthign happen today ...your post made me fidn these quotes.....for you....but also for me....so thankyou ...that was a guide i think....from god.....that i read your post now instead of tomorrow..........good luck....deb
calgaryhearts Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 I'm so sorry. Like the other posters said, I can tell how much love you have for those children. Your capacity for love is amazing. I was a single mom with two kids for years (husband died) and I had issues dating as I didn't think another man could love the kids enough so I'm in awe. That being said, what you're going through is grief. It's like they passed away and are no longer in your life. Grief can take a long time my friend and you are doing all the right things - you just have to keep on. It took me a couple years when my husband passed. Therapy is good. Do you like your therapist? Also, getting out and doing different things? Traveling? Those kids were lucky to have you in their life, and it was a gift. You will have your own kids some day and they will be incredible too. It's so hard to accept that now but it's true. Keep posting in here - it helps. I'm always around if you want to chat too. 2
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