How to fix my self esteem?

[missliss908]

Hi.

 

About 2 years ago, I went through my first big break up and I let it define me. I gained a ton of weight, was depressed for months, and wasn't interested in dating anyone. I finally realized that my ex boyfriend treated me terribly (He wasn't nice to me at all, refused to meet my family or friends, was very selfish, especially in bed and he tried to break up with me by ignoring me until I confronted him) and that I should've dumped him. I somehow snapped out of it and lost the extra weight plus some change, started having more fun, and went on a lot of dates (especially last summer). In the fall I finally began a new relationship but the entire time I was paranoid that my new boyfriend was going to do the same things to me that my ex did, but he continuously proved himself wrong and things were going great.

 

Lo and behold, this new guy just recently broke up with me in the same way that my last ex did (by ignoring me and then breaking up when I confronted him). I'm still not quite sure where things went wrong because I thought it was going great, but I didn't "let myself go" like I did last time. Instead I told him to go to hell and promptly deleted every aspect of his existence from my phone. Despite that, I'm still sad about it because I really liked him but I also don't like wasting my time or being mistreated.

 

I don't want to sit here crying and pondering "Why does this keep happening to me?" I know it's because I have low self esteem. I have higher self esteem than I did two years ago and I am more confident in myself, but the fact that I didn't have faith in this guy proves that I am still insecure. I've never done well in relationships because I have a great fear of rejection. The funny thing is, I KNOW I'm a great catch. I know I'm smart, pretty, a kind person, and I'm always up for having fun. I'm also not needy or clingy nor do I ever have a problem getting male attention. Yet, I still freak out and think that guys will end up leaving me, which, as you can see, has happened to me twice in a row (self-fulfilling prophecy?). I know two times isn't horrible and I'm still young (I'm in my mid twenties) but I want to prevent it from happening again. I've never had a serious relationship (my longest relationship was six months, with that first jerk I mentioned in the post) and it sort of bums me out. I also don't want to let this break up "define me" like I let my last one.

 

What are some ways to fix my self-esteem? How do you learn to truly love yourself? I was on anti depressants in high school and in college but they did more harm than good for me. I don't want to go through that again. And I know I deserve better from relationships and guys, but for some reason, I'm not fully convinced.

 

Thanks.

Edited December 21, 2013 by missliss908

[FitChick]

Google "eliminate your beliefs quickly" and click the top link that comes up. That should help you.

[Sam23]

I kind of know a little of what you're going through, except the past two relationships I've been in really relationships.. They were infatuations with guys who wouldn't call me their girlfriend. Needless to say, both destroyed my self esteem and self worth. After I broke all contact with them, I went through a depression and had feeling that I was never good enough and will never be good enough. I'd cry almost every day and since I don't have many friends, it's hard to distract myself and get on the right foot again. Finally, last month I told myself I can't do this anymore, I no longer want to feel this way anymore, and that I have to do something.

 

I started reading articles online about self worth and learning how to focus on the positives and how to shut out all my insecurities. I gradually started working out and eating better. I stopped associating myself with any "drama" - friends, news stories, etc because I was already insecure and unhappy and really wanted a positive lifestyle. But I think the most important thing I did was focused on finding activities that I like, whether it was a new hobby, volunteering, etc that I could really be proud of. All of this has really helped and I feel happy without needing someone to make me feel happy for once.

 

I'm not dating again, but one thing I will not do when I start is giving up my life and letting the relationship consume me. This is why I was becoming emotionally devastated after these "relationships." ... Lastly, you should check out anewmode.com. Sabrina, one of the authors, writes a lot about self esteem. It's actually helped me a lot. I wish you luck! Things will get better just never stop working on yourself.

[StalwartMind]

Stop having relationships with men whom treat your poorly and at some point when they've lost interest/whatever start ignoring you. Now, if only it was as easy as I wrote that! Anytime you make a commitment to anyone, especially a relationship with intimacy, then feelings become more intense and you get attached emotionally to the bond you have with the other person.

 

In today's throw-away society, a lot of people have picked up the habit of treating other human beings as disposables too. People lose interest, don't care, are honey-moon seekers (they need new experiences/people/things all the time). Now everyone is of course allowed to be/do whatever they want with their life, granted for "idiots" to be "idiots" they need victims and unfortunately that means a lot of innocent/amazing people end up getting hurt in the process.

 

As long as we have a relationship with another person, we take a risk by investing and giving ourselves. I don't want this to sound negative but you can never guarantee that "X thing" wont happen again, because ultimately we don't control what others choose to do (which is a pretty good thing). You can however learn to take a lot of precautions, while doing various things to boost your self esteem. What works best for you, is journey you must take and discover as there is no "one magic universal recipe".

 

As to how you learn to love yourself, that largely depends on what you expect from life and yourself. Some people wish to succeed with X,Y,Z, some to be appreciated, valued, loved for whom they are and what they bring. You know yourself best, what are you good at, what do you want to improve (besides self esteem)?. Don't compare yourself to others, but rather to what you expect and want from yourself.

 

This may not mean much, but I appreciate in you (and all other humans too) whom use their ability to communicate, especially when it's something really important to them. Likewise when someone listens, and i mean really listens and wants to help.

 

You do deserve better and you can do better, and while this is easier said than done, if we ever stop looking/wanting to do things, then we make things harder for ourselves.

 

Oh and one last thing, don't ever be too harsh on yourself with anything, hopefully you found something you could use from the replies in this thread.

[mea_M]

Self esteem fix? You must dig deep and get to know yourself. By don't this, you'll gain a better perspective on the importance of self love. You can get there!

 

Mea

[mrnova66]

I am a guy and I can tell you what guys actually wants. For us, we like challenges naturally so when it comes to dating girls, if that particular girl we are trying to date gets so attracted to us so easily. We will feel that if they can do that to us, they can also do that to other guys so we won't be so serious about them.

 

What you can do is to "play hard to get" but also don't break the rope. Show them that you are interested but at the same time, don't put all your attention into him. Don't give in too easily in the beginning until you think that he is really a nice guy. (Guys can act as if they are a nice guy when they just want to get girls on bed =D)

 

What you can do now is to have a good dressing sense and show your elegant out, guys usually like elegant girls because it show to people that they have a good taste:)

 

That's just my perception:)

And speak for yourself. I do not like a challenge. I do not play games. I notice some in both genders like this. If that is what you want. Then go for it. I think people should be honest of what they want upfront. And please do no change your mind the next day. You see this is how people get hurt. Then have self esteem issues. But when it is like this in a persons life all their life. Then that person has walls. If a woman wants a challenge she should let a guy know she wants to play the emotion game. I am sure if a guy is not into games he will not see her again. It would be nice if people would be more truthful upfront in what they want instead of playing the emotion game. But I guess that is asking to much. Edited January 5, 2014 by mrnova66