Mark-one Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 After just over 3 years my GF has ended our relationship about 6/7 weeks ago She says it was the last 6 months mainly as I only saw her for half or 1 day a week at weekends and she was alone Saturday evenings due to me mainly being busy with work (self employed) also my father had a stroke in the summer and that put a lot of stress on me as I have very little family support. All of her friends are in relationships or with partners so I think she feels alone i think there had been a gradual detachment from me over the months which when I think about it now I did notice, also she says she does still love me but isn’t in love with me anymore as I’ve pushed her away and her feelings have changed and won’t come back. (as they never have for anyone else before me) She just wants to be friends I know that I do love her and have feelings for her but I never expressed this in the relationship due to having my own issues of abandonment when my parents divorced years ago which I felt blamed for so I have always found it hard to “let go and open up” and show love with any women I’ve been in a relationship with, I guess as I associate love with hurt. Part of me wants to love like any normal person but the other childhood pain part has held me back. (it won’t in the future now I have understood this) This is something I have finally realised after all these years now that this relationship has ended which makes me very sad, especially as this woman hasn’t caused me any hurt while we were togther. So now she doesn’t want me I’m feeling my love for her She has her own issues also at present of unresolved childhood abuse I think, also her father died when she was 7 years old and she also suffers with depression and has been taking medication for this since August so there is a bigger picture here. Anyway we had met up a few times and talked in the last 2 weeks which was pleasant, for the past few years she says she wasn’t really interested in having children but since the break, she does want them! Which I knew anyway so it’s no shock Anyway we went out last week for day “as friends” which started off ok but then towards the end of the day went wrong. I think I was pushing her which she didn’t need as she told me she needed space and couldn’t promise anything for the future as she was so confused at present I can’t remember exactly what happened or what I said, but it was stupid, something like “ I’ll have to start looking for sex elsewhere soon then” which actually I had no intension of doing, I think I said it as I wanted her to be closer to me (if that makes sense ) Very embarrassing actually and immature I feel now Anyway it was a tense drive home with not much said, she said I could drop her off in the town and she would make her own way back but I drove her home to make sure she got back ok We hugged and there were tears, I said I didn’t want to leave and she said I was just making this harder She also said she wished she could hate me as it would make it easier for her for us to part but she couldn’t as I hadn’t done anything bad as such, just been a rubbish partner I guess. Anyway I left and have made NC since, heard nothing from her either, I sent 1 text after 1 week just asking if she was ok but no reply So I guess I’m just asking for any advice here I do feel we both need time apart to sort our own issues out which is fine I just wish last week hadn’t of happened and we were still talking
Author Mark-one Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 ah well an update, sent a few texts and she what she said before that her feelings have changed for me, she does care about me but isn't in love with me any longer i said how i realised what was holding me back but she says good for me and hope i have better luck next time! so i guess that's it then i know sometimes people come back....but guess i shouldn't hold my breath!
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I know that I do love her and have feelings for her but I never expressed this in the relationship due to having my own issues of abandonment when my parents divorced years ago which I felt blamed for so I have always found it hard to “let go and open up” and show love with any women I’ve been in a relationship with, I guess as I associate love with hurt. Exactly how my ex is. Your story is almost like mine. My ex has childhood issues (exactly like yours) which caused him to not open up to me like I would have liked. I always felt like I wasn't good enough for him and he could never give himself to me 100%. We were together for 3 years and he still had a hard time opening up to me. I moved out one day while he was at work after a week before he told me, "he loves me, but isn't in love with me" He also told me that he wasn't sure if I was the one or not, but was scared to lose me. Like you, he told me he's going to look for sex elsewhere now, since I told him we can't have sex anymore if we aren't going to be together. Since I moved out last Sunday, I have remained NC. He texted me and called on Sunday, but I didn't reply. He hasn't tried to reach out since. I think it's best in your situation to remain NC and start going to therapy to deal with your childhood issues. You can't let people in and in turn you are just going to push away those who love you the most. Even my ex told me he was trying to push me away so he wouldn't get hurt. That doesn't even make sense to me.
Author Mark-one Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 Exactly how my ex is. Your story is almost like mine. My ex has childhood issues (exactly like yours) which caused him to not open up to me like I would have liked. I always felt like I wasn't good enough for him and he could never give himself to me 100%. We were together for 3 years and he still had a hard time opening up to me. I moved out one day while he was at work after a week before he told me, "he loves me, but isn't in love with me" He also told me that he wasn't sure if I was the one or not, but was scared to lose me. Like you, he told me he's going to look for sex elsewhere now, since I told him we can't have sex anymore if we aren't going to be together. Since I moved out last Sunday, I have remained NC. He texted me and called on Sunday, but I didn't reply. He hasn't tried to reach out since. I think it's best in your situation to remain NC and start going to therapy to deal with your childhood issues. You can't let people in and in turn you are just going to push away those who love you the most. Even my ex told me he was trying to push me away so he wouldn't get hurt. That doesn't even make sense to me. wow! this has touched me to know i'm not the only guy like this! you say how your ex said he tried to push you away so he couldn't get hurt / to protect himself i totally get this! this is how i was in EVERY relationship i have been in you see for men their first love is their mother and if she hurts him or causes him any trauma while he grows up this will affect him when he has a relationship with any woman likewise daughters and fathers (i assume) i am 41 now and for me to have learn't this in the last few weeks since breaking up is quite something, i feel like i have been carrying this rucksack of issues on my back for all those years i know that the road forward may be difficult but to have the knowledge of why i was behaving as i did i can now take hold of it and be aware of it when it comes up again your ex was trying to push you away so he couldn't get hurt because he probably felt the same way as me like me, to him love = pain (caused by his mother) or this is what he associates love with - pain / trauma like me with the women i've known i did love them but couldn't show it, you ex sounds similar also the sex thing, just wanting sex without the emotional bond of a long term relationship, well that's so you can't get hurt - another protection thing i've played the field in the past and i bet this is why but now i so feel how i want just a normal loving relationship and to be happy with just 1 person 1
Author Mark-one Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 getting back to my post i also think another reason my ex has finished with me could be the children thing as i said when we first met a few weeks ago after 1 month break she said she wanted to have children and start in a few years time as she wanted 3! and didn't want to be an old mum before she had said she didn't want kids i had always maintained i didn't want kids, although that's not entirely true as i'm not against having them but wouldn't want 3!, 1 or 2 at the most i think maybe she has ended it as you feels i am not the right man for her because of my stance before about not wanting kids, as well as all that is written above
Author Mark-one Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 nice! oh well found out over xmas she had met someone else about 6/7 weeks ago when we finished basically a guy at her work she has known for 5 years or so, they had a fling 5 years ago and nothing since (i think!) people say there is a strong chemistry between them when they are in the room together and whenever i mentioned his name her face would "light up" and she'd laugh anyway she told this guy we had finished and he has moved in her instantly and she has gone along with it because i neglected her and she's desperate to be with someone so that explains the strange behaviour and wanting to be "friends" since the BU says she wants me in her life etc etc blah blah but no thanks as i still have feelings for her i told her i would not be able to see her again because of this as it's too painful for me which she didn't like but hey says she's really confused, well guess she has moved on far too quickly even if she does know this guy so will go NC and move on... kinda wierd but since knowing she has been seeing someone else i don't want to contact her
Author Mark-one Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 actually i'm not ok been a week since i last saw her now and it's hurting can't sleep / can't eat / always thinking about her yesterday i felt ok, not today or last night i can understand why she finished with me because of the relationship breakdown but i thought after 3 years we could at least talk and try to resolve it instead she has chosen to go off with this guy she knows from work, they had a fling before she met me and he was disrespectful to her i was told once they had sex and he threw some money at her afterwards and told her to get the morning after pill! anyway they have obviously talked over the years when she saw him at work and he said he still had feelings for her while she was with me i'm told there is a strong chemistry between them as soon as she finished with me she mentioned to him and he has moved in on her taking he out etc etc, i never knew this till 6 weeks after which totally explains her behaviour when i look back and explains why i couldn't get anywhere with her when i last saw her NYE (which was only as they had an argument on xmas day with this guy!) i thought it was because we had a chance to talk and work forward but really she was just using me to fill the void she said her head was scrambled and she didn't know what she was doing it was awful as she was so detached from me and i could sense she wanted this guy and not me, i just wanted to leave! terrible feeling when you still have feelings and love for someone i think it's the pain of knowing she is with someone else and that she chose him so easily and giving up on me after 3 years i have remained NC her family (auntie) have been supportive as we built up a friendship too over the 3 years and i can talk to them as i did last week one evening but i don't want to again really as it hurts seeing them as they are related and i know they will tell my ex about how i'm feeling i also think her aunt only tells me what she wants me to know anyway... any advice people? unfortunately for me i have no family or friends here, literally no one to talk to and that makes it soooo hard too but i'm thankful for this site!
sw2020 Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 Go see a counsellor/therapist. Find someone you get on with and you'll have chance to talk through how you feel. You might be surprised at the progress you make. In ref. to your previous gf. I'd say you've got to just let go, get healthy and move forward in a way that builds your confidence etc.
Author Mark-one Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 had a couple of texts 2 weeks after NYE "hey hope you're ok, did you get the house?" then about 30 mins later "sorry just wanted to know you're ok" basically last time i saw her NYE i said i was looking to buy this house and showed her a picture of it then a text the day after the ones above "sorry if i upset you" then a text from her auntie the day after! just sent me a picture of a car, no words guess her auntie was just seeing if i would reply as i hadn't replied to ex GF texts i didn't reply to any
flightplan Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Good for you for not replying. I know it's hard as hell, but don't reply. They're fishing. If she wanted you back, she would let you know. Any reply is for her benefit, not yours. Stay strong my friend, This will pass.
somecamel Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I hate to call out on this but are you sure there wasn't something going on before you guys broke up? You're doing the right thing though mate, ignore and move on.
Author Mark-one Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 I hate to call out on this but are you sure there wasn't something going on before you guys broke up? You're doing the right thing though mate, ignore and move on. i don't think there was anything going on, just the usual flirting that went on between them! so what do you think they're thinking regarding my silence to the texts? first time i've never replied to either of them!
somecamel Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I think you're doing the right thing, I just hope you're doing it for yourself and not as a way to get back at them to make them worry if you know what I mean. You do seem to have a strong personality so get out there and find someone new:)
Author Mark-one Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 the reason i didn't reply is yeah i could see it was a fishing trip, why does she want to know if i got the house?! last time i had a text from her before NYE it was coz she and her new BF had a falling out so i was the fall guy which i didn't know till i met her! as i thought we were going to talk and that screwed me right up! lovely new years day that was...NOT my hand was forced as the saying goes and i had to stay away (even though what i wanted was to work it out between us) hence this time not replying as i could do without the stab in the heart for the 4th time in 3 months! this house you see is quite near her and i think she thinks we could've lived in it 9which is what she wants to settle down) if i get it i may take a picture of the house with my car out the front and send it to her auntie! with no words and leave it at that
somecamel Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 haha, I'd just send a quick message to the auntie saying your fine and not to worry etc. Do not let this girl back into your life
Author Mark-one Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 another text outta the blue! day 27 since i last saw ex "hey hope you're ok, i don't want to annoy or upset you but would be nice to know you're ok" i haven't replied actually i'm quite enjoying being hardcore NC! clearly it's messing with her head! i'm totally focused on buying this house and that's keeping me strong
Author Mark-one Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 more texts: "getting worried as haven't heard from you, can you please just text to say you're ok" then the same text again 1hr 15mins later then "if i don't hear from you am gonna come to your house, am worried about you" blimey she is worried isn't she! then she calls in the evening (first time since 1 month), i didn't answer amazing really how someone could be so worried about me when they couldn't give a s**t 5/6 weeks ago as they were with someone else! then! i see she has re-joined the same dating website again that we met on (she joined the same time as the texts started) (i rejoined also beginning of month) now here is where i became weak: seeing as she had joined that dating website again i knew this mean't she was not with the other guy, so i called her back we had a brief chat, she asked if i was ok! said she finished with this guy as it "could never work out" cause he's such a twat (whatever that means) anyway i asked if she wanted to meet sometime, she said ok, we text the following day and i went over her place in the evening no pressure all very neutral and we chatted i asked about what happened with this guy and she just said he's a w***k*r and a c*** !! so dunno what happened there then! she wouldlnt say but sounded quite bad! anyway just chatted about stuff and i asked if there was a chance for us (as ultimately this is what i wanted) but she just kept saying "i don't know" and she wanted to be single for a few months (she said that a few months ago!) in fact ever since it ended and she was seeing this guy whenever i asked she kept saying "i don't know" so i left after 2 hours or so she said speak soon, i said see you anon anyway! i felt ok and feel ok now in that i haven't gone back to square one, last time i saw her on NYE i was heart broken and my hand was forced in that i had to make a decision to walk away due to her seeing someone else. i think the reason i'm ok is because i know i'm being played or held on the back burner, plan b, second best! call it what you like the girl doesn't know what she wants though personally i think she wants that guy and she just wants to hold me in limbo in case nothing better comes along anyway i've had enough of all this sh*t, i making myself look weak and pathetic so blocked her on dating website as i was getting a bit upset seeing her picture on there looking at me! and will now go NC again she thinks she has me waiting around but i know now i really need to move on i think did text her today to say thanks for meeting and glad we talked and she replied "hi me too, glad to know ur ok" what do you guys reckon? never been in a situation like this before, it's like school playground stuff!
Trep Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Sounds like she dumped you to be with this guy in the first place to be honest and judging from her reaction about when you asked about him, he just hit it and quit it....again (guess she never learns). You shouldn't have called her back at all :/ All that did was give her an ego boost and confirm for her that you're still on the backburner. Remain hardcore NC and don't respond to her txt's or calls at all, although it might be a while before you hear from her again.
Author Mark-one Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Sounds like she dumped you to be with this guy in the first place to be honest and judging from her reaction about when you asked about him, he just hit it and quit it....again (guess she never learns). You shouldn't have called her back at all :/ All that did was give her an ego boost and confirm for her that you're still on the backburner. Remain hardcore NC and don't respond to her txt's or calls at all, although it might be a while before you hear from her again. yeah wish i played this different now when i did meet her that eve and she metioned the dating website she said something about i hope you're not getting into any relationships! dunno if she mean't about rebounds or not, damn cheek actually coz she's on there! ok so i am very bad now but i'm going to mention it... i guessed her password for the dating website and just had a snoop and checked out what she had been saying in messages! terrible i know but just wanna know what this girl is playing at hardly any conversation with some guys and she saying "i'm on whatsap if you want to chat" and the guys give her their number so clearly chatting via text on phone can't believe she gives her number out that easily anyway seems she is doing the same as when we first started chatting on there years ago so basically she's looking hmmm i feel like a right idiot when we last spoke she said we could meet "as friends only" but frankly i don't want to be in that zone seeing as i know what's going on i've learn't a lot about this girl over the last few months!
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