is it my gut telling me to back off or am i messed up over being cheated on?

[Kate]

i wrote a lot here from about june through sept. when my story climaxed into a terrible one that ended with me being cheated on and lied to terribly. to reiterate quickly, i suffered a major, major 9 month lie with who i thought was my best friend -- only to find out that the emotional torture i was going through was due to him getting away with multiple women and crushing my heart and self-esteem.

 

i have been very normal about the coping process i am going through. i have been open to guys in general, but since i am usually selective (haha not the last one i guess) it usually takes me a year or so to find a "solid" relationship. so i feel FINE, GREAT alone. don't need or crave anyone. however i am being courted and "chased" by a new guy.

 

i met him through my mom because he works with my mom's boyfriend. my mom's boyfriend is great. he couldn't believe how much i reminded him of this guy, Mark who he works with. for months he was telling my mom and i that i HAD to meet mark. well, finally around thanksgiving, i met Mark. mark met us for drinks the night before thanksgiving and we had a great time. at first, i could tell he was tentative about me -- wasn't overly nice, appeasing, nothing. neither was i. but my commentary and his laid back attitude really mixed well. i wasn't overly attracted to him at first, but that's never been a huge thing for me. he's attractive in general. we had good conversation and he called me a couple days later for dinner.

 

our first dinner date he brought my flowers. he wasn't gushy or mushy, he just said, "i just felt like it". then he took me to dinner and we had a nice time. he called me the very next day -- when it should have been me thanking him. he called me every few days after that, making plans for dinner. then he invited me to his company xmas party and i went -- where he invited me to a friend's wedding in the Bahamas! i told him i didn't know... the party was ok but i was very very tired and not social like usual. i felt bad about that and figured i probably ruined his opinion of me -- i didn't. he called the next day. so, since then, he has been picking me up 20 min from where he lives, taking me to dinner where he lives, then driving back to drop me off -- like over an hour of driving when i could EASILY meet him. in fact it was be a time saver for both of us. but, he's that polite. he bought me a really nice xmas gift and i got him something too that he loved. oh, and did i mention -- he has NOT tried to kiss me yet!!

 

just before xmas we went to dinner and drinks -- and he told me that "he's holding off on kissing me because he wants to know me better". he again mentioned the bahamas wedding and i told him i just don't know. if he asks again i will have to tell him that that would entail a commitment from me -- because i don't just go away on trips with people and let them pay!! and, my dilemma is that i don't know 1) what i want with him 2) what to make of him and here is why:

 

besides all of the above, there are a few more things and a few more facts: he picked me up at 3am from the airport last night -- insisted on it. i was dead sick with the flu and he had all sorts of stuff in the car to make me feel better -- including a dozen red roses. when we got to my house, i was locked out and he cut my screen trying to break me in...so, after letting me stay in him room with strep throat, a fever and the flu and after buying my nyquil and other stuff to feel better, he comes over today (after i finally got it) and buys a new screen from home depot and installs it. incredible guy, right? he is my concern...

 

1) why would he invite me right off the bat to the bahamas -- after our 3rd date? is he needy? does he think i am "the one"? is he rebounding from a relationship he got out of a few months ago?

 

2) he helps a LOT of people with a LOT of things -- NOT just me. maybe that's just the way he is, period.

 

3) when i woke up in his bed this morning ( he was in the living room) i saw 2 different types of female head hair on his pillows. now, i know that could come from anywhere, but it was only on the pillows. after over a month of courting me and taking me to dinner, i just don't feel comfortable with the fact that he may have more than one side-dish...and it makes his efforts less genuine to me. it makes me feel like he thinks, "well, if it doesn't work out with one i have another". i don't know what kind of attention he gives to other women.

 

i think my problem is that i have remaining issues after my last relationsihp. i do not fully trust this quickly knowing ANY GUY now. but, he has mentioned me to his family because he has told me in conversation. i feel like he really wants to be in a relationship and wants to do it the "right way", but i have this wierd gut, too and i don't know where it comes from. also, i just don't know if he is the right guy for me any way. we don't do things "alone" like in our houses or anything. everything is always in public. am i just jaded from being used to being treated like s***? he has done more for me than any guy and at this point i guess it is overwhelming. has anyone out there ever had anyone do SOOO much for them that it actually made them not TRUST the other person who was doing so much??

 

i think part of me is scared because he's a lot different and less refined than any of the guys i have dated before. he is financially secure though, which is a first for me -- i have always been stuck paying half or more in the past!! but he never went to college and is blue collar -- which is ok for me, but i'm not positive the intellectual stimulation exists for me. i need a real mental challenge with a man. not only that, but he's thirty -- but kind of dresses and acts younger. his house is kinda fratish, but CLEAN, just the design is weird i guess. besides all that, he grew up in a rough neighborhood outside nyc, and i feel he may have a crooked past. he is REALLY nice and considerate to strangers, but then i wonder why...has he always been that way? some of the things he says about his past make me wonder about him. i don't care what people say about "the past is the past" -- your decisions are things you wear on your sleeves today. i have done very few things in pattern that i regret. very few. i don't know about that with him, but can only say so because of little things i hear him reference.

 

what do i like about him? the way he treats me for one. and, i like him because he is outspoken and "real" -- he doesn't seem to care what anyone thinks, and that is important to me, too. i don't think he would ever judge me and he has definitely lived alot. also, i don't even know him THAT well to say "how" he is.

 

what do you guys think? my whole point here is that i don't know how harshly i should judge the situation moving forward or if i should just listen to my gut regardless. this guy has done so much for me, but i don't want those favors and gestures to mask other things. right now as i stare at the new screen he put on my door and the beautiful roses he bought me and the nice xmas gift i am confused...i have never been treated this well -- well, only ONCE by my first boyfriend. but all i can do right now is question his motives in my mind....and wonder if he has lots of sexual side dishes in the wings until i "come around"...help

[moon]

I think it would be hard to presume here what kind of guy this is. It seems like your main concerns are that he's probably got a few rendezvous going on at one time. And you've already known him for a month? And he's asking you to the Bahamas? I would definately investigate the possible other women. Did you ask your mom's boyfriend? Can he tell you exactly what this guy is like?

 

But basically if I start to date somebody and it looks like we're going to be exclusive I would make sure he did not have anybody else out there that he might be seeing as well. Ask him. Now you have a chance to have a different relationship. Your last boyfriend screwed you over. I've been there too. So now you have a chance to set boundaries and call some shots here. Ask the guy if he's dating anybody else. Tell him under no circumstances would you want to be going off with a guy to the Bahamas if he's gonna be going out with other women when you get back. Toe the line....tell this guy what you want this time. Take charge!!!!

 

But I have heard good things from friends who have met their current boyfriend through friends. It seems that there is a greater chance that they will show you respect if you have mutual friends----that is if the guy was good to begin with.

 

Good luck.

[Kate]

thanks -- well, my mom's bfriend, who is a great guy, LOVES this guy. mom's bfriend loves me and know i am a good person and a sweet girl and that's why he wanted me to meet mark.

 

by the way, did i mention that also while i was away he took my car, got it fully serviced, put new windshield wipers on it, washed, waxed, you name it?? i just don't get it. i think there are only 2 things bothering me...

 

1) if he sleeps with other women on a regular basis...i mean, he hasn't tried to kiss me yet because he said he wants to know me,,,but then i find with NO DOUBT women's hair under his pillow??? wtf?

 

2) is his past crooked? i don't know and YES, it IS important to me. i don't want my house being blown up by some gang with a 10 year vendetta. no, he was never in a gang or anything like that!!! it's more of a figure of speech...

 

3) why would he invite me away so fast??

 

4) and why is he doing EVERYTHING for me??

[NotaBadGuy]

Kate,

 

I read through your posting and decided I might chime in. From the details you have provided, I will pass along the following insights from my perspective. For brief background on myself, I was married mid summer 03. We were together for approximatley 2 years prior to that. Well, four months into the marriage she starts seeing another guy, leaves me after 6 months and files for divorce, and to make a long story short is getting married to the same guy this month. I was very betrayed and hurt and all the usual drama associated with such an event. So I can appreciate and respect where you are coming from. It has taken myself many months and time alone to get to the point where I feel as if I could date once again. But I do not rush things either. I am also catious.

 

Looking to this new guy.....First, I am a firm believer that you have to pay attention to ones past but cannot let it control your decision making processes. We all have a past, some more involved than others, but that same past is often what has helped shape and mold us into who we are in the present time. I, in some respects, might fit the descrioption you gave of this new guy. I am not running to his defense, but am instead passing on an outside perspective. I grew up sort of rough and although I do not have a crooked past, I did make some questionable judgment calls ealrier in life. I am 28 at the present time and have a bachelors and jd. I have come a long way myself and if I were judged based on my past I would not stand a chance.

 

Second, he seems like a really nice guy. In that case, you are in the best position to make rational and concrete observations on this guy. It seems af if he is trying very hard. But true perception in that context is in reality. I think you should hold off on the trip to the Bahama, although it might be harmless. Just relax and take things slow and if you get to feeling really uncomforatable with the whole situation, let him know and walk away.

 

Third, I would not think too much about the hairs on the pillow. There is so much room there for speculation without any concrete proof that it should just be set to the side. You may still be dealing with the residue from your prior relationship there.

 

I would continue, but my battery is about to die on me, so I will end for now. Good luck to you and do something special for yourself. It sounds like you deserve it.

 

NotaBadGUy

[Sukotto]

Well he could just be more bothered about turning up at a friends wedding in the bahamas on his own, it will probably be couples attending and he would end up being the 3rd wheel with whatever group he tries to hang about with when he's there. I'd say go for the trip, you get to no someone a whole lot better if your spending constant time with them. Bad habbits and other little quirks. I found out a few interesting things about my ex when we went on our first holiday together even though we'd been dating for a year before we went.

 

I also say he sounds like a great guy and puts me to shame when I think about what I do while courting someone. Yes I do dinner and drinks but thats about it.

[Gala]

Hi Kate --

 

Nice to see you again on the board...I'm glad you seem to be doing well. I have a few thoughts on this new guy...first, it is clear that he wants you to feel very special, and that he knows how to court. He has made it pretty clear that he wants to be in your life. For your position, this has pluses and minuses. Many -- tho not all -- guys, regardless of how honorable they believe themselves to be, see nothing wrong with having a few women as possibilities at the same time. And as you appear to be beyond his normal socio-economic parameters, he may not see you as a sure thing at all.

 

Regardless of the origin of those female hairs, given your last situation it is utterly natural for you to feel concern about them (and I have to say when I read that I quickly thought 'Dude, can you wash your pillowcases?'). Given the kind of energy he's invested in seeing you, and you in him, there would be nothing wrong with asking him if he had been seeing anyone else recently. This does not need to be a drama-creating move -- it is simply you managing your life.

 

Your hesitation about the wedding in the Bahamas is also understandable. One of my personal mottoes (after some painful experiences) is that I won't get on a plane with or for a man unless the relationship feels pretty secure AND desirable. This type of date just automatically, unavoidably increases the amount of 'skin in the game.' Guys tend to be pragmatic, and this one sounds especially so. He probably would genuinely like a date to this event, and also on some level understands the 'glamour factor' in that type of date. Have you talked at all with him about your last relationship? If you feel you can be truly comfortable and 'real' with him, it shouldn't be an issue.

 

Lastly, when I was pretty young I had a substantial relationship with a man who was not as educated as I. He was devoted to me, and genuinely wanted to make me happy. But we were very different people, and I had many many moments of feeling just horribly alone because he didn't understand where I was coming from. I often felt guilty of snobbery/elitism, and as though he "should" be enough for me...especially because he drove me around, spent money on me, took care of practical stuff for me, worked on my parents' house...but these ultimately weren't substitutes for an understanding of literature, art, politics, nuance...and my guilt may have prolonged the relationship.

 

Happy New Year...I hope some of these thoughts are helpful to you!!

[Kate]

well Gala, thank you so much. i think you touched on the right points. especially the one about him probably not having a problem with having multiple women. he probably doesn't see me as a sure things, figures he has nothing to lose anyway, so he is confident and sweet with me while perhaps satisfying other women in case i don't pan out for him.

 

though he doesn't seem to be driven by looks, i'm sure part of him is -- and being alone with me in the bahamas seems like a great idea to him. i liked the fact he hasn't tried to kiss me even once, but all that says to me is that he is being satisfied in other ways. otherwise, why the wait? could he REALLY be that noble? i just don't think so.

 

i figure he is trying all he can to get with me and doesn't care if it doesn't work out, because in his mind, at least he tried.

 

as far as the socio-economic factor, i have dated several men with a lesser education, money, etc. etc. and, like you when i was 10 years younger, fell in love with a GREAT guy. but as time wore on, i DID need to identify with certain things he couldn't ever understand no matter the circumstances. that relationship simply dragged on out of me feeling guilty, because i wasn't raised to see anything but kindness in a person. but, we all play different roles on this earth and it's not my fault we each have different needs.

 

i did in fact tell him about my last relationship. he was very cool and supportive -- and seemingly disgusted. and, unlike my last bf, if this even means anything, this new guy mark has 2 parents who he claims are madly in love. his home life is not dysfunctional like my ex's, etc. the list goes on. also, he is ambitious, etc. but i suppose those things don't have everything to do with going from one women to the next or doing multiple women at the same time.

 

the other concern i have about this guy is that it was only our 3rd date where he asked me to the bahamas! he introduced me to everyone he worked with at his company party, and was obviously really happy i was his date -- i don't know if it was because i looked hot or not, but i was sick and tired that night, not much of a date at all! i actually felt badly about it.

 

the biggest problem for me is that i don't understand him. i guess it's not wrong for him to be playing the field when he doesn't know if i'm even that into him, but if he is, it would turn me off due to all of the effort he has put into me. it's like, don't put in all this effort of you have other babes on the side. just leave it casual so i'm aware. he makes me feel like i'm the only one, but i really don't believe it.

 

thanks for your advice, i'll keep you posted. i'm totally skeptical of this guy. and i should be focusing more on if i REALLY want him versus what his side activities are, right? but then at the same time, it's hard to get interested when i question his motives. people who come on really strong really fast are usually up to something, in my opinion. it's the ones who take it a bit slower who you should trust, right?? things just seem too quick for me, then not quick at all (no kiss yet!) i don't get this one.

[moon]

he probably doesn't see me as a sure things, figures he has nothing to lose anyway, so he is confident and sweet with me while perhaps satisfying other women in case i don't pan out for him.

 

PLEASE don't take that as a valid excuse for a guy you are dating, even casually. It sounds like you were hurt really bad in the past Kate. Your ex left you for somebody else you said?

 

I think it's time to ask this guy what's going on. I mean think about yourself first. When was the last time you were juggling a few different men at one time? I have never done that myself. Well, maybe when I was in college. But not as a grown up. If this man is a grown up and he's juggling a few women at one time (i.e. having women sleep in his bed) I would really want to know that. If he was really into you he'd cease that....I am sure of it. That is the honorable thing to do. And remember you are looking for MR Right----right?....not another loser. You are looking for the pot of gold, not another maybe (that's what I am looking for after getting hurt in my past relationship). So you have to aim high!

 

He might be a bit of a ladies man. Had you thought of that? He sounds really nice and all, but I would definately get to the bottom of this. Nobody on this website is going to be able to answer the question of is he or is he not sleeping around. You need to ask him that. ASK!!! Then let US know if he is or isn't still playing the field, while inviting you off to tropical islands. He doesn't sound like a bad guy (he seems attentive), but I'd start getting things straight between you two....if you are in fact interested. If you are then tell him you don't feel comfortable dating him and at the same time fearing you'll have a run with a member of his harrem.

 

I'd expect a lot out of this guy and if he doesn't deliver----just say good bye and keep looking. You don't want to get hurt again do you? So get things straightened out up front. Maybe it is just your imagination, but it sounds like it's high time you found out. Be brave and ask him about it. Open up the lines of communication.

[Gala]

Kate -- One thing I didn't acknowledge specifically...yes, the third date was a rather early juncture for him to invite you to this wedding. That in and of itself would have raised my radar...especially on top of bringing you to a company party -- whew!!

 

Also -- I may have seemed a bit blase about the possibility that this guy is seeing other women. It's just that I've seen it enough times that I'm not shocked by it. Not to say I'd tolerate it in someone I was seeing, or that you should, either. It's just that guys sometimes do this. A very prosperous and well-born guy who frequented the same cafe that I did in Southern Calif. would bring various dates in for breakfast, a few in a week...and there is no way they'd all met up with him first thing in the morning. It was really sort of appalling -- the cafe regulars could have started holding up numerical scorecards!

 

Your interest and feelings, of course, are the most important consideration. It is interesting that you can't quite seem to gauge your interest in this guy b/c of the unfamiliar signals you're getting. One more guess about him before I sign off -- he likes control. If he's held off on the first kiss deliberately and articulated that, control may be rather important for this guy.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted!

[Kate]

wow gala it's amazing what you guys are taking just from my words. the control factor -- duh, right!? had i been less schooled at saying "no" in the beginning, i might be further on with him. i said, "i don't know" about the bahamas the night he invited me at his company party. i did also feel a little odd how he was instantly parading me around and introducing me to everyone. seemed more like a rebound or something. in addition, i wanted to leave right after the party because i was tired. he wanted to go to the bar...he wasn't rude, but rather pushy in saying, "no let's just go" and i was like, "i can't". it seems like he's pretty used to getting what he wants and quickly, too. he told me specifically, though, that "i don't like to get involved physically quickly with people. there is just too much **** out there." i don't know why he would have just offered up that info.

 

maybe he's a little confused at the fact that i haven't jumped all over him at this point. he probably thinks that holding off as long as possible with make ME go to HIM. he also knows all about my last horrible relationship and assumes i'm sensitive enough to cave in and be with him. not that he's ingenuine, but sometimes too much too fast SEEMS ingenuine, with alterior motives.

 

the one thing that stands out soooo much about this guy is all of the stuff he has done with/for me. it's almost overbearing to the point where i DON'T appreciate it. does that make sense? does it sound wierd?? i mean, he has gone SHOPPING with me twice now, for like 4 hours at a time! in all women's stores! how fun could that possibly be?? he hold all of my bags and gives directives, but the directives are so cute that i actually like them because it is ME who is so used to being in control.

 

i don't want this guy to outsmart me, and that is why i am here. i have already been outsmarted once. and i think about those guys who, at the beginning seem SOOO charming, and a little overbearing -- then they turn psychotic. i really don't want that to be him. maybe he is a control freak? i mean, why would he be telling his family about me on xmas after less than a month where we haven't even been physical? almost seems like he's needy and masks it with confidence. a LOT of confidence. considering i am more educated, have higher socio-economic background, a great job and i'm very attractive -- as well as in comparison to him. i think that most of those things would really intimidate guys. but he does a great job at masking any potential insecurities.

 

why is he doing all of this for me and not "reaping" any benefits? i know you guys told me to ask him who he is involved with, but he already told me he broke up with a girl over a month ago. perhaps he is still making booty calls. but, if we're not technically dating, isn't that his prerogative? i don't know. i guess all of the attention is a little overwhelming and quite flattering. but it could also mean is he indeed a control freak, and controls people by doing EVERYTHING for them -- i heard him on the phone with his female landlord for 30 minutes, just listening to her boring s***. he said to me, "i have to be nice to her or i will pay through the nose for rent". WHAT? it just seems like he does a LOT of things for a LOT of people, and there has to be a better reason behind it. maybe it makes him feel useful, but maybe you are so right in saying that he does it to control people...

[ntovrhm]

Read your other post as well, and glad things are going better 4 you.

 

Don't have a lot of time to post, but just wanted to say that you should use your instincts on this one and take things slow.

 

Whether your guard is up because of previous trust issues or not, you don't need to go rushing into anything anyway, so go with your gut.

 

You knew something was wrong before, and that's why you were posting here. I haven't seen you post about frivolous things (not that there is anything wrong with that), so I think you should go with your instincts on this one.

 

Too soon to tell, and although the Bahamas would be way cool, it may force a level of intimacy, and not just physical, that you may not be prepared for with this guy.

 

Hope it all works out. Me, I'm casually dating again. My gut told me that this one guy was not as genuine as I thought, and one of his friends finally confirmed it for me. Just another person's perspective (which I guess I should take with a grain of salt), but he didn't tell me anything that my gut didn't already.

 

Take it sloooooowwww, and continue to meet other people til you know for sure that he is genuine, and that you are compatible with each other.

 

Take care and good luck!

[Gala]

Hmmm...sounds like a guy who is accustomed to a) "being there" and b) getting credit for that. I tend to be so independent and self-reliant that his behavior would strike me as a bit odd. And as for his pushing you to go to a bar after that party...that speaks volumes. In any case, it seems that you're gathering enough emotional info -- about how YOU feel -- that you will soon be able to decide if this is someone you want to keep spending time with.

[Kate]

i don't know, it shouldn't take too much longer to draw conclusions. although he has been very forward about things, the second i tell him what i want it is "done". he doesn't strike me as a weak guy, and the other good thing i see is (i know this doesnt mean everything) that his parents have been together for years and are really in love (from what he tells me). to me, this means he knows the value of a good relationship, assuming it is, or at least respects a good relationship in theory. we are going out to dinner tonight and i will see him again tomorrow night at a mutual birthday party. i guess i can't feel one way or another about things as long as he is respecting me and treating me well -- the rest is in the hands of trust (something i am having trouble with). needless to say, he is WORLDS better than any previous guy i have dated in terms of how he treats me and the verbal respect he gives me.

 

i'll keep you guys posted.

[Gala]

It is encouraging that his parents are still together. Do let us know how things go!

[Kate]

Well, I must admit, I am more and more impressed with this guy. He knows what happened to me with my last relationship (we never talk about it, I told him once) and I have made it clear that my guard is up.

 

He FINALLY kissed me last week. It was wonderful! After over a month. The next day, he helped arrange things for my mom's bday party. We had a great time, and ended up staying at his house because my sister and I couldn't drive home -- too much wine. I stayed in his room and he was a gentleman -- things got heavy but I told him "I can't sleep with you" and he said, "well, you're not going to!". Then I proceeded to tell him that I won't be with anyone unless I know they have had a full STD screening. He said he did, four months ago after his last relationship. Well, two days later, he told me that he had scheduled another one for this week. Just to give me what I had asked for, I guess, as only one month after his last "relationship" didn't sit well with me. He went yesterday and got tested. I went today. I think it's great that he takes me so seriously. In the past, I would tell a guy I wanted to know he was clean, and he'd blow it off and I would just go on "trust". I am so glad about the way he is treating what is important to me. The other night I almost caved in (it was all ME) and he wouldn't allow me. He stopped me and told me to wait because I said what I said for a good reason...

 

Aside from that, he just seems to be a genuinely wonderful person. I feel NOTHING that I have felt in previous relationships, which means I was simply with the wrong kind of people for me (and probably a lot of others...). I think about him all day, but I don't obsess or worry...ever...He is normal and so am I -- and we just go about our business like you are supposed to when you want to be with someone. Before him each guy I have been with has always given me a reason to feel nervous or question things -- and looking back, they all have something in common -- they were all lacking a lot of things I have that are important. They were not my equals, and I thought that (then) by not giving these guys a chance, I was superficial because they didn't have EVERYTHING. This is stupid, I realize now. This new guy, Mark, is VERY secure, happy-go-lucky, witty and doesn't take crap from anyone. People say we are the guy/girl version of one another. Keeping in mind, of course, my mom's bfriend who knows us both very well, has been trying to get us to meet for 6 months!

 

Thinking back now, I am so glad I went through that terrible crap with someone who messed with my mind. As a result, only positive things have come -- I am very secure with stating what I need, why, and what I don't like -- in a nice way! Before, the guys I dated would get secretly offended or scared, and act ****ty behind my back to make sure they had a nice cushion in case things didn't go their way.

 

This guy is a stand-up man, honorable, sticks to his word, and he has proven those things to me, even on a small scale. I have not been able to find those qualities in any man in a loooooong time, possibly ever. And, he clearly knows how to chase a woman without making it seem tacky or needy.

 

I will keep you guys posted on this one. I guess in the end, he won me over. A month doesn't seem like a long time, but it kind of was. I think all of the fear I had in the beginning (the last few weeks which is why I posted here) had more to do with the last relationship (and one before that with another idiot). I felt so let down by men, it was hard to trust. But i didn't carry that into this new thing, and I will never judge him based on my past. I am in full trusting mode right now, which is a risk, but he has given me no reason to feel otherwise. I think this will be really, really healthy...

[ntovrhm]

I'm so happy for you Kate, and glad you worked things through in your own mind. Hope this one's a keeper!

[Gala]

Kate -- how nice for you that he's so conscientious. Good luck!

[Kate]

thanks a lot. he really has been great to me. but, again, i'm almost skeptical as to 1) how long his perfect behavior will last 2) why he is being mr. wonderful. i wonder if he just likes to be in control -- that is part of his nature -- and the minute he thinks he has me he will go into comfort mode. to address my concern over this, i am trying to be as careful as possible to evaluate every action individually and address any concerns. i have been very blunt with him, and he has been very respectful in understanding where i am coming from. i have this feeling though, that he rushes into relationships -- this is just based on things he has told me.

 

for instance, we have only been dating about a month now, and he wants me to meet his parents and sister this weekend at a big family party. normally i wouldn't really think about it, but i feel a little wierd. i don't know if i feel this way because the last guy i dated was such a jerk and barely included me in anything, but i have this feeling of distrust over things that feel like they are moving fast. this new guy is impatient i think and likes to get "to the bottom" of things. like i said, it was only our 3rd date when he invited me to the bahamas for his friend's wedding -- his ex girlfriend's name is on the ticket and he wants to know if he should change the name or not now! he didn't date her for very long and that ended over 4 months ago, so i know i'm not a rebound, but i just feel a tad pressured. i understand why he invited me, but i feel like he's trying to make me "his".

 

besides this, i'm also worried about my own feelings. i feel myself falling for him but don't know what to feel. i know that sounds wierd. i respect him because he has taken things so slow with me physically, and like to just sleep next to me w/out trying anything at all. we also just got our full std bloodwork screenings done and that was something that was important to me. i guess my biggest concern here is, what makes me different from the other girls he has rushed things with? is he really using his head here? i worry that i will finally get really attached to him and he will "up and leave". i need to feel we are very unique before i can do that. i think i should defintely hold off on having sex with him, even though it has happened once already...and, it felt different than anything before. i felt very very sure, secure and uninhibited...just comfortable and supported in every way. it doesn't always go like that for the veyr first time with someone...at least for me in the past. but, we also built a friendship for 2 months first. but, i'm thinking that maybe continuing to just hold off might do my emotions some good. i want to make sure i am iin this for the right reasons.

 

i feel like i am just rambling on and on. i feel very confused. last night he was going to stay here, but he couldn't sleep because he has never stayed at my house before -- so he just jumped up and waas like "i can't sleep i gotta go home" and he up and left and didn't even kiss me goodbye. this brought on a very old wound...i mean it picked an old wound...i immediately started feeling feelings of panic. i heard his car start and i didn't know what to do -- and i called him and asked why he had left so fast, and said he could have kissed me goodbye. normally i don't think i would pay too much mind to this, but i guess my point is that he ususally SHOWERS me with attention and affection, to the point where if he doesn't, i then worry something is wrong. well, something is wrong with ME for thinking that then! i know i should just let it go. this am he sent me a nice text message and i felt better. i had sent him one at the same time saying i was sorry if i got upset at him over the phone for leaving, i was being emotional. so i guess it's last night that triggered these feelings and that is what is making me nervous. i'm still messed up over abandonment issues from my last guy who did nothing BUT abandon me in every way then cheat on me. i'm not trying to compare the 2, but i think it's normal what i am feeling.

 

should i put on the brakes here? or should i try to move forward and just deal with my issues? i feel so messed up -- when he calls and showers me with attention, i feel suffocated -- and when he leaves or doesn't call, i feel panic. what the hell is wrong with me? how do i help myself out of this terrible seemingly co-dependent/counter-dependent state i think i may be in?

[Gala]

Kate -- This is the first opportunity I've had since your post to give it a thoughtful and careful reply...so here goes.

 

In just about every conceivable way. this guy is acting like someone who wants to be around for the long haul. It really takes time (months! years!) to get to know someone, so there's no way to anticipate what he might be like in true "comfort mode." And in a way, his desire for control might make that even more difficult to figure out --as it sounds like he prefers to control himself as much as his environment.

 

The ex-girlfriend's name on the plane ticket does indicate that he really likes having someone to play that Girlfriend role -- and that probl'y has meant that he's rushed into relationships quickly in the past.

 

The question of whether/when to have sex with him seems to be, in some ways, a distraction. I am not saying it's not important...but rather if you've already gone through tests, slept together once, enjoyed it, and something is still making you say 'wait a minute,' it might be worth slowing down long enough to understand why that's happening for you. Could it be that you're not ready to play the kind of role he seems to want from you right now? This would be a completely valid position.

 

It is interesting that you both kind of "spazzed out" the other night. In my experience, this happens when both parties are getting their buttons pushed. I wouldn't lose too much sleep over anything you did or said...but it's worth noting how each of you acts when "control" is not completely clear.

 

Good luck!

[Kate]

thanks Gala! well, a brief update (it may sound tedious, but i think it's important). after the other night when we "spazzed" a bit, things resumed to normal the next day -- him sending me a text in the am, a voicemail telling me to be careful driving in the snow....then, i left work, went to the gym to work out, turned my phone off until 9pm and then went to bed. i turn my phone off when i really just want to be alone. i know this can be possible confusing or threatening to someone who doesn't know what i am doing at that time -- if you called your s/o and their phone was off frequently, it might cause you to start wondering...in general! but, that's my way of saying -- without saying -- i value my time alone.

 

after that night when my phone was off and i didn't call him (i don't think it's important to talk EVERY day yet...) he sent me the usual am text and then called me at lunch. he sounded "off". he said he was having a bad day. THEN, he did the "woman" thing (i have done this ....i told him i wanted to help and could i see him later to "talk" and he ignored my help. i tried again and sent him a nice encouraging text, saying "i'm here to offer you support when you are having an off day.." and he barely said a word about it. i then asked him a final time, did he want to get together later, as it seemed clear to me he needed me. he was vague once again. this pissed me off! i was trying to help him and he was throwing a silent tantrum of sorts. then i told him he could just wait to see me when he felt cooled down, less "short and cold". he said, "whatever, i'll just talk to you whenever"...then i get another text from him saying "i just didn't want to interfere with your plans later" ( i told him i had plans with my girlfriend, but i would work around them to see him...). i sent him a FINAL text saying, "you are a priority, not an interference!" THAT finally cooled him down and he stopped being a vague pain in my butt. he replied "wow! that is exactly what i needed!" enough said...then i met him later and he opened up to me. he told me he is worried that he is "coming on too strong". he was right on! i told him why i felt that way, etc. i said i don't want to rush through things and i am concerned that is his style. he said he has thought about everything i have said with regard to that, and we had a great talk about it. he was totally cool with everything, and i could tell he was trying to do everything NOT to mess things up. finally, this am, i didn't get my regular text. this told me he is trying to make me feel more comfortable. i liked it, and then called him to meet for lunch. things feel just fine.

 

with regard to sleeping together, i will just let it come naturally. that is one department that he has never EVER pushed with me, and i like that best about him. he seems genuine, and does everything in his power not to "lose" what we have started. all i can ask for is his honesty, and the fact that he is "aware" he has given me the impression that he always needs a relationship or a girl to play that role. he understands why it concerned me, and that's all i care about. some people can't even admit their habits or the vibe they give others. he seems really self aware, and has told me (among other wonderful things) that "i have never learned so much from anyone in my life..in just a couple of months, you have taught me more about myself than i could have learned on my own". obviously he likes this personal growth. like him, i too, am learning about myself, even through teaching him about himself. we have different areas of growth, but he is so mature and kind about everything. the best part is that there is NO dwelling and NO drama that last longer than the issue of the moment. all my past relationships seemed to carry the drama of the previous moment or day and it affected everything like dominos. this guy and i are able to simply wrap it up and move on to the next topic...i like that!

[Gala]

I leave my cel phone off a lot...anyone who was freaked out by this would have a hard time of it, I think!

 

It sounds like you and this guy are definitely feeling each other out and are learning more all the time. Have you decided about the Bahamas yet?

[Kate]

I haven't decided about the bahamas for a good reason -- we are "Feeling" eachother out quite a bit right now, and it isn't exactly sitting so well with me. i think i have grown a LOT from my past relationships, therefore I have become less paranoid, etc. however because Mark likes to be "in control" in general, i think that despite his willingness to communicate (he did SOOOOOOOO much for me this weekend, a beautiful card with sweet words, etc.) he reacts quicker to things than i do and often speaks with a tone that makes me defensive. i think this can be worked out, but for instance we spent the whole weekend together. it was very nice. he brought over movies and a dvd player to play them on, hung my pictures for me, etc. and, he brought me a really nice card. he is a real "Caretaker". then, yesterday, i got my usual sweet morning texts, etc. then we spoke and i told him a story (stuipd thing that happened to me yesterday) and he kind of spoke to me in this tone i think is too aggressive and i felt silly after telling him the story -- he has an opinion about EVERYTYING. so i sent him a text saying, "btw, i'm not an idiot , i just thought it was a good story and no trouble was involved" he texted me back (not a good way to communicate!) and said, "who said you were an idiot? i thought it was a great story". now, it was his tone of voice (which i have told him) that made me feel like an idiot. he is too opinionated about too many things sometimes and it irks me. i didn't respond, not cause i was mad, just cause i didn't want to talk to him. i turned my phone off from 6-9 after work, went to happy hour then to the gym. i sent him a text last night (the first one i have initiated) and said, "thinking about you". he ALWAYS responds, and this time he didn't. then, this am, i sent him one (this first one also initiated in the morning ever) and said, "can i c u tonight?" and he didn' respond. he ALWAYS does respond like flash magic! so i dont' kno what his deal is. i don't know what to do except act like nothing is wrong. i think he expects to talk to me every day or something and when he can't reach me he gets pissed...or when i don' respond he gets pissed. this, to me, is stupid. and just cause i didn' respond to his text yestereay doesn't mean he has to ignore me. i know he is not "just busy..."

[Gala]

So now you know what he does when he's not being perfect, at least! And that he sulks when he's upset...not a good trait, I hafta say.

 

And I know what you mean about the "tone of voice" thing -- once, on a third date, a man said to me very sharply, "Don't be evasive!" Whoa! Third date and already using imperative sentences like that? Please.

 

That said, I will note that guys can be kinda clueless about exact mode of delivery and tone of voice. Listening to them talk to each other is sometimes a real revelation...there's often this combination of overstatement and indirectness that is SO different from what women do!

[Unknowing]

Well, I've read your posts. And I have to say, I see myself in this guy.

I love my girlfriend, above anything else, and would do anything for her and for her to feel better about us. (I might not be the best at this, since she is about to break up with me but... I think I can look at this from his point of view)

 

Sure, some things seemed overly nice in the begining, and the bahamas tripp might have been too much. But it sounds to me like he really loves you. You said in one post that you didn't feel as worried with him as with your previous relationships, that alone is something that's worth it's weight in gold.

 

If he really is like me, yeah, appart from a few things I could almost have thought you were my girlfriend writing about me, if he really is like me, he simply wants you to feel good. I'd tell him exactly how I feel, at every point of your relationship. Whenever you feel something is going to fast or so, tell him so, I really belive he'll do whatever he needs for you to feel good about the relationship.

 

Ofcourse, this is all based on the the assumption that he really is like me.

 

If I were you I'd stop worrying about what HE thinks. Figure out if he is what YOU want, in that case, I think you two have something good going on.

 

Another way to do it could be for you to put him against the wall. Tell him to be honest about what he wants with you. Tell him you can't handle beeing screwed over again. And that if he is not genuine, he should back off. Things can get verry strange from talks like that but, if he really is like me he won't take it the wrong way. If he really loves you he wont take it bad.

 

I'd write alot more but, as I said, this reminds me of me and thus, my girlfriend.

 

And, maybe I shouldn't really express my self about relationships but, as I feel he's alot like me, I had to.

[Kate]

well first off, i am actually surprised at how well I am dealing with all of this new stuff...

 

to update on my last post: i started developing these feelings that just felt "off". i really thought there was something wrong, and I now think (due to the fact that this guy has given me NO bad red flags and seemingly NO reason to lie, etc...i am basing all of this, of course, on his actions) that part of it WAS just because of my prior situation that was so detrimental.

 

to start, this past tuesday my mind was running and running. i was pissed off about 15 or so different things, so i wrote them down and told mark we needed to talk. i didn't care how it sounded and he didn't hesitate. he came right over when i was done with work and, though i got off to a really slllllloooowww start with them ( i wanted to present them perfectly) i started with #1 -- how i was worried about the "authenticity" of our relationship. i told him i was worried that he was trying to cut through a relationship with me like i thought maybe he had with other women in the past, etc. i told him i felt like he was slightly controlling, etc.

 

 

i can't finish this post because i have a call from work, but i will -- and the end of the story is that this guy sat and listened to EVERY point i made, then had the balls to tell me "i have SOOo much respect for you as a woman right now, approaching me like this". he talked about each and every point i made, and i understand all that i was confused about. we communicated perfectly. i don't even think i have communicated this well with a gf of mine...

 

will writ emore later, it's interesting...