simplicity1 Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I have a life filled with hobbies, friends, and a caring family. But when my ex (first boyfriend) entered my life, he quickly rose to be my priority. This boiled down to the fact that I SO MUCH enjoyed hanging out with him that it was incredibly difficult for me to ever decline any invitation, and when choosing between him and other things/people in my life my emotions always drove me to choose him. Ultimately, this created an imbalance whereby he would sometimes decline hanging out with me, or spending the night with me, probably causing me to see even greater value in hanging out together since I couldn't always have it. As a result, my behaviors were magnified over time, and he grew to take me increasingly for granted and probably didn't see as much value in our time together since he could basically have it whenever he wanted. I thought for sure I'd learn from my mistakes, but 2 weeks into my next relationship, I already feel the same thing happening. We see each other much less frequently since we're working now. At this point we both make plans with each other equally. It's just that when he, say, comes over to a party I'm hosting, I end up just wanting to talk to him. When he says he's going to leave soon, I tell him his invited to stay over and he declines because he has to get up early the next day. I'm SURE from our interactions that he is very much into me. It's my own fault that I am setting up this imbalance where I never decline due to prioritization. and then I'm the one who has to deal with rejection. Like obviously if I really have something planned with someone, I'll tell him a particular time doesn't work for me and we'll choose a different time. Or if I am doing a hobby of some sort and he wants to hang out, I'll just invite him along. But I just *cannot* flat out say no to him, and I don't want to fake being busy just to say no!! that seems so un-genuine! Really don't know how to change this behavior of mine, and really, really concerned that it is going to ruin my new relationship over time the way it ruined my last one.
d0nnivain Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Make a pact with yourself not to cancel plans just to be with him. Say you were supposed to have dinner with your family next Friday night, then go to the movies with your girlfriends. That Wednesday, your BF asks if you want to hang out. Say no. You already have plans. Don't cancel them for him. Similarly if you have a date planned, you don't have to cancel that to hang out with your friends. Simply make smarter choices. You can do this. 1
Onethirtyeight Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I mean you can just not do it... I follow your thinking. Maybe you could just make more plans with your friends?
Author simplicity1 Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 As I indicated, if I already have something scheduled, I will never cancel it for him. Instead, I will either tell him that time doesn't work and we figure out another time up front, or I invite him along. But I never flat out say no to him. If he invites me to spend the night I always say yes, regardless of what time I have to get up tomorrow. Whereas he might say 'no, i have to get up too early tomorrow.' I think it's a question of priorities and how much value we see in the time we get to spend together. I degrade the value by giving him the impression that I'll always find the time for him. Am I overthinking this?
Author simplicity1 Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 I mean you can just not do it... I follow your thinking. Maybe you could just make more plans with your friends? This feedback is coming from a very logical place, and I get it. But this issue is not driven by logic. It emotionally pains me to sacrifice any time I could be spending with him..any time he "offers me" so to speak. It is the most painful thing in the world to say no because i place SO MUCH value on it. He has a properly prioritized life since he's able to say no to me when say, spending the night will affect things he has to do tomorrow. My behavior will cause him to see less value over time in the time we spend, but I just can't stop.
regine_phalange Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Thats very sweet! Im not sure if its a bad thing, I mean its natural wanting to spend a lot of time together, as long as hobbies or friends are not neglected. I was always very fulfilled when I got to spend a lot of time with a boyfriend, but I remember only one feeling the same way (maybe because he is the only one I think that really loved me).
d0nnivain Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 simplicity Maybe you are over thinking it a bit. Women nurture. That's what you are doing. If it is bugging you that much, next time he wants you to stay over but you have to get up early, say no & go home. See what that feels like. Think of it as an experiment. Then going forward do what feels better for you: Stay the night or go home when you have an early morning
Author simplicity1 Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 Thats very sweet! Im not sure if its a bad thing, I mean its natural wanting to spend a lot of time together, as long as hobbies or friends are not neglected. I was always very fulfilled when I got to spend a lot of time with a boyfriend, but I remember only one feeling the same way (maybe because he is the only one I think that really loved me). I'm afraid I don't think it's very sweet It's obsessive behavior that causes me to schedule my life in such a way that optimizes us hanging out together. Maybe I need to book a train, well I'll book it at a certain time to maximize the chances of us hanging out. Maybe my friends want to hang out. I'll choose a night where I know he's not free to try to maximize the chances that I'll be free. I'll offer 2 hour slot for us to hang out and he'll accept an hour, be excited for it, and also say he's leave after that to do something else. Or he'll offer me 2 hours and at the end of it I'll want more, and ask for him to stay longer. He declines, leaving me feeling rejected and insecure about our relationship, and leaving him feeling like he can have me when he wants. Such a disaster. I'm trapped in this weird state of mind.
Author simplicity1 Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 simplicity Maybe you are over thinking it a bit. Women nurture. That's what you are doing. If it is bugging you that much, next time he wants you to stay over but you have to get up early, say no & go home. See what that feels like. Think of it as an experiment. Then going forward do what feels better for you: Stay the night or go home when you have an early morning This is good advice, to think of it as a personal experiment (ie/an experiment for myself, not one to see how he reacts but to see how I react.) I think I will give this a shot, if I can possibly bring myself to. 1
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