777doom Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 This post is really just to tell me story and have someone to vent to as this situation is so frustrating. My ex broke up with me beginning of September (9 month relationship) as she was off to uni and felt loads of pressure from our long distance relationship. It was the last day of a 5 day trip to go and visit her in her own country (still only a few hours travel here in Europe). She cried a lot and I did as well. Few days later she told me she may have rushed it and wanted to try whilst she was at uni, well that only lasted about a week and I should not have rushed back into anything but I did... I went NC for a month (I told her I was going to do this) and found it unbearable so I spoke to her again. Since the beginning of November we spoke about once a week - just like a catch up really, and some of the various things she said were: I miss you I still love you I want to be with you Pretty strong signals you would think, I told her it wasn't fair for her to say these things at the time unless she was serious about sorting out our problems and reconciliation. She said she knew she would have to prove to me that she still loved me and recently we were planning for her to come to my country for just one day so that we could talk things through and see where to take it. During this week / last week I realised that she wasn't putting the effort into arrange anything, there was almost no drive there to really prove it (although she is studying intensely for exams at uni right now, but if she was 100% serious then she would be trying) and we only spoke about it when I brought it up. So I asked her again about it last night and she told me that she had been asking so many questions in her head about whether we could make it work. She didn't want to break up again in a few months but she also didn't think that she could change some of the issues we had spoken about previously. She suggested maybe we should stop talking if this is the case and I told her that if she didn't love me then she must tell me, and she told me. I pretty much told her she was emotionally immature, but without being harsh about anything. She said that she was 'a crazy' and she didn't know what she wanted, admitting that maybe she needs to find herself before she can have someone next to her. She also told me that she had never loved anyone like she had loved me before... and after a couple more exchanges she stopped replying to my messages. This morning I found out that she had stopped replying because she was so upset last night that she had literally thrown up, and her parents told her to stop talking to me for the night. After doing a lot of internet research myself recently I believe that she is to an extent 'emotionally unavailable', or rather, she has a very hard time expressing her emotions which she admitted. This is where I get off and we said our goodbyes this morning but any input from you guys / girls would be much appreciated, I guess I just want to know that I have made the right decision. Any thoughts?
2fargone Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Well... mje... Your ex sounds like mine. Also from another country, still at uni, low self esteem, talking the talk but not walking the walk, yadaa yadaa... I believe there is nothing you can do but let her go. Unfortunately you already showed her you couldn't go NC. But you must, for yourself. Thing with people with low self-esteem is that they look for what they lack in others. After a while they feel good and forget. They get sloppy. Then you start feeling worse since they need you less. Then you sort of become them. And then they walk away.... To repeat the cycle with someone else. It could work, but not the way you're headed. She and she alone has to be willing. When that time comes, you'll want to be remembered as 'good to her', nothing more. Meanwhile she will test you, try and hang onto you from a distance. Only if she has no one left to turn to, she will turn towards herself. And that might take years. I can use many words to describe this, but this it it in a nutshell.
Author 777doom Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 Thanks '2fargone' for your input, I agree with pretty much everything you said. Do you have a thread, as I would be interested in reading it? When we first got together she didn't seem like she had low self-esteem, she has loads of friends (I know it's not the best way to judge it but her Facebook updates regularly get 40 'likes') and she would go out with a variety of people. But maybe she just attached herself to people to hide her insecurity or find an identity. I know deep down she has a really good heart and what makes me upset is that if/when she does sort out some of her problems, I know she would be an awesome girl, and I likely won't be around to see that... the timing just isn't right She and she alone has to be willing. Very often she has resigned herself to fate, acting like she doesn't have the power to change things or make things work, it made me feel worthless and she probably didn't intend that but now I see it was just the way she is. When that time comes, you'll want to be remembered as 'good to her', nothing more. I think I know what you mean but can you just clarify?
2fargone Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Sorry, I have no thread. I have little to share, since I solve my own 'problems'. It's about control, her needing to be in control and yet feeling that she is losing it. You giving her that control is what she needs but won't give you anything. Certainly not her. At this point don't blame her, judge her, take blame, whatever. Don't buy into her 'reasons'. Just let it be. If she contacts you, set boundaries. Even without telling her. By the time she 'wakes up' she will also understand your boundaries. Basicly, be a man instead of a doormat. You can hope, but not expect.
Author 777doom Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 It's about control, her needing to be in control and yet feeling that she is losing it. You giving her that control is what she needs but won't give you anything. Certainly not her. I think this is probably the key. When she was saying all these things during the 2 months to me like 'I miss you' etc, I was polite but I didn't show my cards and I didn't let her know how I truly/deeply I still felt about her, until one night... I made the mistake of saying I wanted to be with her but only if we could talk and sort out our problems first... this gave her 'the power' of knowing that I still desired her and I realised my mistake almost straight away but you can't exactly back pedal after that. If she matured and managed to deal with some of her problems then something would be possible in the future perhaps, but I think she would be too scared to break my heart again so I certainly won't be waiting or expecting anything. I have some very exciting changes coming up in my life soon which I can focus on!
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