D-Lish Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Only reason its her problem is because most men watch porn and most women get over it. Also its a lot easier for her to just ignore something that's not actually destructive in anyway than it is for him or any guy to not watch porn. I mean something simple like this shouldn't end a relationship if its going well in the other aspects that matter. Most women are okay with men watching porn? Where are you getting that information from? Some women don't have a hang up about that- but many do. It's not "her" problem- it's "their" problem. They are incompatible, plain and simple. Neither will change, and neither should have to. 1
Author Kayla7 Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 We've been communicating via text, since he's at work. He basically said that quitting will not cause resentment, and it's a small sacrifice to make me happy. "One that I'm more than willing to make." He said he feels like a sexual deviant, and I feel like he's turning it around on me as the bad guy. I never told him it was right or wrong, it's a matter of a personal preference, a preference I don't agree with. How can I trust his words again?
MalachiX Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Never going to happen. This relationship will never work out. It's interesting that you frame this as "her problem". So could we as easily argue that he should just get over porn and stop watching it to save his relationship? Neither of them need to change- they are just incompatible. On the one hand, I don't want to blame anyone for how they feel so I agree it probably isn't useful to scold the OP for her feelings. That said, I wonder how far you'd take this philosophy. Are relationships so fragile that they always must end because one person feels uncomfortable with something about their partner? I get uncomfortable thinking about any of my GFs having had sex with their exes but that's rather unfair of me and I certainly don't think I shoudl just try to date virgins. I get uncomfortable at the thought of a GF of mine being around attractive men (especially if she admits she finds them attractive). Should I only date women who work with ugly guys? What if my GF sometimes fantasizes about other men? I'm uncomfortable when I think that she has sexual desires beyond me. Does that make us incompatible? There's a lot of things that can make a person in a relationship uncomfortable and they aren't always rational or fair to their partner. Part of being an adult and being in an adult relationship is understanding that our partners aren't going to perfectly fit out expectations in every way. Maybe the OP has millions of wonderful men banging down her door. Maybe you do too. I just know that, for me, love hasn't always been easy to find and it's something that takes work, understanding, and compromise. I ran away from every woman who had some aspect of her sexuality (or anything else); that made me uncomfortable; I'd probably never date anyone. 3
somedude81 Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 We've been communicating via text, since he's at work. He basically said that quitting will not cause resentment, and it's a small sacrifice to make me happy. "One that I'm more than willing to make." He said he feels like a sexual deviant, and I feel like he's turning it around on me as the bad guy. I never told him it was right or wrong, it's a matter of a personal preference, a preference I don't agree with. How can I trust his words again? He's probably been watching porn since he was 13 and you having problems with it is making him feel like he's doing something wrong. To the vast majority of men, porn is just a visual masturbatory aid.
ja123 Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Kayla, You sound pretty young and like you don't have a lot of experience. I don't want to make assumptions or generalizations, but your views on porn might actually change as you get older. Heck, you might even eventually enjoy watching a bit yourself!
MalachiX Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Sorry. That last part should read: If I ran away from every woman who had some aspect of her sexuality (or anything else) that made me uncomfortable; I'd probably never date anyone. I don't know why LS won't let me edit my posts...
happywithlife Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I think that the OP has ever right to be upset with her boyfriend's behavior. Watching porn is not always a benign behavior. People can become addicted to it and it can change how they view sex. The sex that occurs in porn is not typical everyday sex that occurs in a loving relationship. Her boyfriend, like some men, may only be able to get off w/ porn and loose his ablitity to have meaningful, lovig sex with her. He may only want to have porn sex and she may find that demeaning. He may be addicted or she may have a fear that this will evetually occur. Or she may not like the way porn portrays women - it can portray women as being the more infererior of the sexes. Women have every right to feel equal to men and porn may make this OP feel inferior b/c how women are portrayed. There are many reasons why the OP may not like her bf watching porn. And that's not wrong. What the OP should do is really open up to her bf and explain why she feels uncomfortable about porn. She should not feel ashamed of her reasons. Her bf should open up as to why he likes it. And they shouldnfind a compromise based on respect. It may mean he only look at still photos, watch it only occassionally, or not at all. The OP should understand that some people can have a relationship where porn viewing is ok and others cannot. There are plenty of men out there w/ a normal sex drive who do watch porn and plenty that do not watch it. 3
salparadise Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 We've been communicating via text, since he's at work. He basically said that quitting will not cause resentment, and it's a small sacrifice to make me happy. "One that I'm more than willing to make." He said he feels like a sexual deviant, and I feel like he's turning it around on me as the bad guy. I never told him it was right or wrong, it's a matter of a personal preference, a preference I don't agree with. How can I trust his words again? Kayla, The essence of the problem is that you're looking at your boyfriend as an extension of yourself rather than as a completely separate human being. Doing this is going to be a problem in and of itself. It goes way beyond the porn issue. You have the expectation that you have the right to control his mind and body as if it were your own. Your will does not extend to his mind and body, and if you don't understand this then you're the one who needs to make an adjustment. You said, "it's a matter of a personal preference, a preference I don't agree with." Ok, then don't. But to say that he can't ever again look at porn because of your preference is ridiculous. What if he doesn't like broccoli... does that mean that you can never again eat it? What if you don't like the smell of fish... does that mean he can never set foot in seafood restaurant? And don't even get me started on the thought police. Do you understand the point I'm making... your preferences are yours, but not his. You gotta let it go or else it will be the end of this relationship... and the next... and the one after that. The way to keep this from becoming a trust issue is to not put the guy in such a squeeze that he feels like he has to lie to you. Of course you do get to choose who you're in a relationship with, you just don't get to customize people to meet your precise specifications. 4
Onethirtyeight Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I think that the OP has ever right to be upset with her boyfriend's behavior. Watching porn is not always a benign behavior. People can become addicted to it and it can change how they view sex. The sex that occurs in porn is not typical everyday sex that occurs in a loving relationship. Her boyfriend, like some men, may only be able to get off w/ porn and loose his ablitity to have meaningful, lovig sex with her. He may only want to have porn sex and she may find that demeaning. He may be addicted or she may have a fear that this will evetually occur. I'm pretty sure this isn't at all common.
d0nnivain Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 We've been communicating via text, since he's at work. He basically said that quitting will not cause resentment, and it's a small sacrifice to make me happy. "One that I'm more than willing to make." He said he feels like a sexual deviant, and I feel like he's turning it around on me as the bad guy. I never told him it was right or wrong, it's a matter of a personal preference, a preference I don't agree with. How can I trust his words again? If you can't trust him you don't have a relationship. It's as simple as that. I'm happy for you that you are discussing it. I'm concerned because you think having a conversation this important -- one that could make or break your relationship -- was a good idea via text. You can't discuss stuff like this via text. It requires a face to face conversation
salparadise Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 If you can't trust him you don't have a relationship. It's as simple as that. Oh come on, d0nnivain... this isn't about trust or cheating or anything of the sort. And the only reason the relationship may be on the line is people validating these crazy notions she has about ownership and control of other people. Or is it that you see all of that as perfectly reasonable? Wow! 1500+ posts in a month and a half? You're prolific, I'll give you that! 1
d0nnivain Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Oh come on, d0nnivain... this isn't about trust or cheating or anything of the sort. And the only reason the relationship may be on the line is people validating these crazy notions she has about ownership and control of other people. Or is it that you see all of that as perfectly reasonable? She said she can't trust him. Her words, not mine. The subject matter isn't the issue. It's the foundation. If you think your partner is lying about something important to you, where's the solid basis for a relationship. The OP is bothered by her BF's porn viewing. This is something important to her. Her BF apparently said he'd stop but she doesn't believe him. I expect that men I date will tell me the truth. What's going to happen if they continue dating & she later finds out he didn't stop as he had promised to? Without trust -- no matter the underlying subject -- there is no relationship.
BikerAccnt Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I never understood many women's objections to porn, until I started getting older. I don't think that women dislike porn per say, but they dislike the thinking (and many do think this way) that they aren't good enough, can't live up to..the looks, the activity..the performance..the excitement...that porn ACTORS provide. I say I understand as I've gotten older because, when I do look at porn -yes, I do - it's generally had young attractive women in it. Not women my age. Of course, most of the women my age that do porn aren't all that attractive. Anyway, imagine at any age, wondering why they prefer her over me scenario's . Especially if the person being viewed is vastly different than yourself. I know I have some porn that is over 20 years old. I still enjoy watching it. You know why, because that woman hasn't AGED. I have. I may not watch it if she had aged with me. And don't kid yourselves. With all the threads on this board by guys wondering why women go for this guy, that guy, or the other guy; if women viewed porn like we men do. We'd probably get just as upset about it as many women do. I see nothing wrong with porn in moderation, as long as it's not demeaning. However, I can certainly understand now, where it might bug someone. 1
ponchsox Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Good luck finding a man that doesn't watch porn unless you want to date a monk. 1
FitChick Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I don't see the problem if she is getting sex from him when she wants it. How is this situation different from a man seeing his girlfriend swooning over rich, successful men on TV or in films? It's all fantasy. 3
Poppyolive Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Watch some together....its fun, exciting and normal.
ChessPieceFace Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I confronted my boyfriend about it months ago, and he was the one who promised he'd never do it again. "Our relationship means more to me than any of that crap." I found out he lied, and was just finding better ways to hide it. I don't know how to solve this. He's upset, I'm upset. We obviously can't agree on porn, and it's obvious he'll eventually do it again. I love him, and don't want to break up. What am I suppose to say? When I'm not around, watch cartoons instead? I don't want to break up, but I feel like I'll always have anxiety when he's alone in the bedroom, which is ridiculous! It seems like you have fundamentally different views on porn. I can't tell you what to think, only that I and many others would say that porn is more or less a weakness/addiction, not at all like cheating, and shouldn't cause anxiety. If you are having anxiety about it that is a problem with you. The fact that he lied about it is bad, for the lie and also for demonstrating he may be unable to live up to your expectations. Because of that, I can see only 2 options other than breaking up: - Work out your own insecurities / issues with porn, and be able to accept it at some amount of use. Kind of like if he was a smoker who can't quit, but could cut back on his habit to be with a non-smoker (you.) Both of you would have to compromise so that he can do it at a reduced level and you won't worry about it anymore. - He's already failed at quitting once, but maybe you can sweeten the deal. Find out what kinds of porn he's into, and offer to be more sexually adventurous / role-play or whatever he'd want in place of the porn.
organizedchaos Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Watch some together....its fun, exciting and normal. My ex and I did that. It was fun!
Revolver Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 I will never understand these guys who have girlfriends ready and willing to have sex with them and choose to watch porn. It's like as a homeless man watching people throw away food 4
Keenly Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 When its not affecting the relationship, it comes down to insecurity. The women don't feel that they are attractive, even though most of the time they are, and the thought of their man looking at another girl makes them jealous. Its all about controlling your partners sexuality. Men do it to women , women do it to men, its all bad. Bottom line, both sexes need to get over their hang ups and stop trying to control their partners. A man can watch porn and still love his woman more than anything in the world and remain faithful forever. Just because women don't understand the behavior does not give them the right to demand that the man stop , assuming the sex life and relationship is otherwise healthy and satisfying. 2
jimloveslips Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Sorry, late to the party again... I see you posted another thread about body issues. I think maybe you are feeling just a little insecure generally, and it's probably no big deal, but how about you guys spend some quality time alone together, and more specifically why don't you explore your sexual needs - be demanding, be adventurous, I just know he will find it fantastically erotic and your confidence will grow It doesn't have to be ridiculously outrageous: a simple all over body massage just for you (if he needs tips there are plenty of massage vids online - it can be his homework) - the important thing is communication, if you like something say so, or moan, or giggle, if you don't like something say so, move his hand away - no yelling and screaming or sudden jerks... Have fun!
GoreSP Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 We've been communicating via text, since he's at work. He basically said that quitting will not cause resentment, and it's a small sacrifice to make me happy. "One that I'm more than willing to make." He said he feels like a sexual deviant, and I feel like he's turning it around on me as the bad guy. I never told him it was right or wrong, it's a matter of a personal preference, a preference I don't agree with. How can I trust his words again? So you've successfully made your boyfriend feel like a sexual deviant because he watches porn?? You realize it's going to bite you in the ass at some point, right?
GoreSP Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 Why don't you and your BF make your own sex tape, and he can watch that instead of porn? This way, he gets to watch his porn and you get to be the only one he gets off to… make sense? 1
soccerrprp Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 Porn is not a biological imperative for men. It's an unfortunate physical/psychological trap. Men's desire for sex, being visual, etc. may be true, but porn is an artificial stimulus that can be healthy if partners use it to spice up their relationship, but otherwise, detrimental. My gf and I watch it once in a while, very seldom, but our sex life is rockin', so no need to go elsewhere for it. I have mixed feelings about porn. When it comes to men's use and often, excessive. there's something going on that goes BEYOND just some biological need. 2
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