My feelings in waves

[canal]

I stumbled upon LS a few days after my BU and it has (and still is) helped me through the healing process. I just want to vent and get some thoughts and advice from everyone here on LS about how I'm feeling right now and whether it is the right path to healing or not. My apologies for the long post.

 

My ex and I had been together for 10 months. He was the one that initiated the start of the relationship. Things were great, but what really bothered me was that he didn't seem too keen on physical intimacy. For the past 10 months together, we never had sex, not even touching. We slept next to each other only a few times but it was purely sleep and he didn't even cuddle me when I tried to initiate it. I mean i'm not ugly, why isn't he not interested at all? I did find it really odd during the time but told myself maybe he was being very serious about our relationship and doesn't want to move too fast scare me (He was my first love, but he has dated previously). Maybe he was a very descent man? I was too shy to ask him why or make any initiation so I just waited. I didn't want to pressure him into doing anything he wasn't ready to. I thought maybe he was stressed with work and stuff so I gave him lots of space and compromised a lot. I did not demand him to spend more time with me, I didn't nag him or get clingy. We never argued, and we have a lot in common. He is in his early 30s and I'm in my late 20s so it's not like we are both super young.

 

Around 2 weeks ago, he was going to head overseas to meet up with his family in a weeks time. The night before he broke up with me, he was still sending me txts apologizing that he didn't spend much time with me the previous week and would make an effort to spend more time with me before he leaves. He gave me this great plan on how we'll spend the day before he leaves together etc. Why would he be giving me all these false hopes if he was already planning to break up with me the next day?

 

So the next day after dinner 30 seconds after leaving the restaurant, he suddenly breaks up with me saying he thinks we have no chemistry, he doesn't think he's right for me, he doesn't see us working out in the future and doesn't want to waste my time. Prior to that, everything was fine. We only finished dinner 30 seconds ago and everything seemed all normal. I asked if we could talk about it but he just said it's a feeling and it can't be described, said we are better off as friends, and then just kept on apologizing. I walked off and he sent me a txt saying he's sorry again. I didn't reply.

 

I was very upset and disappointed and confused. I blamed myself for not being more open about my feelings to him and maybe that's why he didn't feel any chemistry. I needed a closure so 2 days after the breakup, I wrote him an email (what I thought was the closure I needed) telling him how I felt about our relationship and how I suspect there might be someone else in his life. He replied saying my accusation was the biggest disappointment in what he thought was a peaceful separation (now I think back.. so dumping me isn't the biggest disappointment to me? Geez). I was a mess when I read the email and I gave in and replied him apologizing but said that I can't trust him anymore after what he did to me and that I'm being nasty right now because I'm upset and out of character. I told him it was not a peaceful separation to me and I am emotionally a mess. I regret writing the first email and breaking NC after but at least I cleared out the suspicion of him cheating.

 

I broke NC again last sunday and sent him a txt to wish him a safe trip and enjoy family time and merry christmas. He replied and said thank you, wished me merry christmas and said sorry again.

 

During the first few days after the BU, I was very upset and cried everyday. I stood strong though and did not let it affect my work. I had forgiven him for what he did but I was upset he didn't even try to work things out or talked to me first (like I said, we never argued or talked about how our relationship was going) and then he just decides to drop the bomb on me. I made up a lot of excuses for myself as to why he showed no interest in having sex with me, why he was so absolute and just wants to end things without even trying or talking about it first but I know they are all just excuses and probably not true.

Maybe he does have no feelings for me anymore (or maybe none to begin with I don't know), but then I think we never even gave each other the chance to try first or really open up our feelings to each other.

 

It is almost 1 week NC now. As of the past few days, I haven't cried anymore but I still feel empty and sad and confused. It doesn't help with the holidays coming and seeing couples everywhere. I still can't stop thinking about him and the whole situation. A hatred is also starting to build up. I thought he was very selfish. I felt like he was the one in control of everything. He started it, and then he just decided for me that he was not right for me and then ended it without even any further discussion. I still miss him but I will not break NC unless he messages me first. I am also trying to move on but I know it takes time and it has only been 2 weeks post BU.

 

I'm probably just rambling on, but I really want to stop assuming things. I feel like there isn't a closure and i'm left here hanging. I sometimes wonder if he will reconcile with me but I don't want to think about it at all as I don't want to give myself false hope. I know there is no hope. I occupy myself with family and friends but I still just can't stop thinking about him and the situation. My friends told me he's probably gay so just move on but I know that is just what we all want to believe but probably not the truth.

 

Thank you for listening to me ramble on and on.

Edited December 21, 2013 by canal

[LadyM]

Your ex is likely asexual or gay. This is not something men like to admit to, so it's much easier to end the relationship. I believe he was sincerely sorry.

 

From personal experience, let me guarantee you that this man did you a favor by leaving you. Much better that you became no further involved with a man who likely could never give you the intimacy you crave.

[legion113]

If this guy wasnt even holding you for the last ten months, then no, everything was not ok. I have to agree with lady m, asexual or gay

Edited December 21, 2013 by legion113

[canal]

We did hug and kiss. But he didn't even bother making it to second base let alone further down. That's not normal right? A non-religious guy cannot be that descent and have such self control right? Even if he thinks we have no chemistry, a normal functional guy would want to do more right?