I need brutal honesty

[Bishop556]

So, I have mentioned my tale multiple times on this forum, but I feel the need to explain my entire story to an unbiased audience, and get some advice. This is an essay post, so be warned.

 

So I was in a year and a half relationship with a woman that I very much loved. We had a great relationship, and I would do anything for her. She was going through financial struggle due to college, I sat down with her and told her that I would pay for her groceries and help with her rent. I would always tell her how much she meant to me. I would always tell her how beautiful she was as she had low self esteem, I would always remind her how intelligent and wonderful I found her. Her mother saw this and believed I was a catch for her daughter. I was willing to go the world's end for this woman.

 

Well, the last two weeks of our relationship were rough. I was undergoing depression at the time. I am transgendered and I always wanted to be a woman and I felt so ugly being a man. My ex was fine with my gender preference, but one night I was having a panic attack due to a variety of factors, including this, and I raised a fist at her. I am utterly ashamed of this. Despite the fact that she was yelling at me and pulled on my shoulder, it is no excuse for anyone to raise a fist at their significant other. I have never shown any violent tendencies before this, and I would never do this ever again.

 

So, the next day my ex breaks up with me due to the fact that I could be potentially abusive. I was heartbroken and offered couple counseling to her, but she told me that she didn't want to do so. So, my first mistake was to walk to her house later that night with a card and a candle to sincerely apologize to her. She rejected my apology and gifts, and I forced to walk home. Later on that week, I ran into her (we had the same class) and asked her if I could read to her a letter I wrote explaining how sorry I was that I hurt her and that I was willing to work through any issue with her as I believed she was worth holding on too. This was my first breakup, so I was naive.

 

So, I stalked her on tumblr for a while and found out that she posted messages stating that she was sending nude photos of herself to a guy three days after we broke up, and that she ****ed a guy a week after we broken up. I was devastated as she wanted to remain friends with me, so I confronted her about it as we promised to talk again since we were planning to ride the same bus back to college. I asked her if the fight was an excuse so you could leave me for someone else. She told me that I needed to learn my lesson about never abusing anyone, and told me that she did **** him. Please note that my ex did have an abusive partner at one time, and I can understand that she saw a red flag, but why can't she differentiate her ex and I? I treated her wonderfully while he cheated on her twice. She even compared me to him by saying that since her ex loved her and hurt her, so can I.

 

Well, three weeks down the line she ****ed another guy and is planning to date him. She would gloat on tumblr about it. I ran into my ex a few more times, and she told me that I was a good person, but that she could not trust me.

 

Now, I realize that she is single and there is nothing wrong with a woman wanting to have sex, but I feel that she was attempting to hurt me. How could she not realize that having sex with multiple men in less than a three week time span and telling your ex about it would not be hurtful? She also stated that she believed I never cared about her which is wrong.

 

I talked to friends and my parents about this and they told me that it seems obvious that she is attempting to hurt you. They couldn't believe that she would have sex so soon, and that she is destructive but does not realize she is destructive.

 

My ex broke up with me because she believed the relationship could become unhealthy, and she is right due to the fight we had. I am working through my anger issues, I am working on self improvement, but I feel so hurt that my ex is moving on after a year and a half relationship in less than a month. She found out that I was stalking her on tumblr and accused me of harassing her which I can understand. However, I don't believe she understands that she is hurting me. I know my actions were completely wrong in every regard in relation to the fight, but am I wrong for believing she is trying to hurt me? It seems obvious, and unfair as I was loving to her throughout the year and a half I was with her.

Edited December 21, 2013 by Bishop556

[xUnknown]

Yes, you were wrong to raise a fist to her.

 

Arguments happen in relationships, which is a healthy thing to have, just not too often, ya know?

 

You were "stalking" her tumblr, but that isn't harassment. If you bug her constantly and post crap over and over again, bug her constantly, yes, thats harassing - but just checking it often (most of us do that when we break up then learn to follow NC), that isn't harassment. So take it easy on yourself when you admit that you were "harassing" her. If all you did was keep tabs on her, whatever...we all do it.

 

she told me that I was a good person, but that she could not trust me

 

Would you trust her now that she has done these things? Yes, she is trying to hurt you. Screw the b*Tch. She's no good for you anyways. If she really cared about you, even after the breakup, she wouldn't do this. Nobody in the right mind would do that. "trying to teach you a lesson"...yeah, okay, good lesson. Let me know how those STDs go. Jokes on her bud...the lesson will be on her when she realizes what an utter fool she made herself out to be. Posting that type of stuff publicly about sending nudes and screwing multiple guys....yeah, she's doing well for her self image there.

 

I hope you have lost all respect for this girl. All I can say is, Wow....she did you a favor by breaking up with you. She was looking for a rebound, got it, felt like ****..then tried to play it off as "teaching you a lesson" because of how bad she felt. She's keeping at it because she doesn't know how to cope up with the breakup. Anger is easier emotion to control than sadness, so shes screwing these guys to deal with her own guilt and as an excuse to pin stuff on you and to make herself angry at you.

 

Glad you two are over, she sounds like she would have cheated on you...

 

Chin up my friend, it gets better. You may have lost the one you love, but after all this - she's doing you the favor in the breakup...and in addition, giving you a lot of reasons why you should see her as a negative person, thus easier to move on from.

[Bishop556]

I forgot to mention that I would post anonymous questions in her ask box on tumblr, but they were not anything condescending or me cursing her out.They were questions in regard to her messages such as "On a scale of one through ten, how inappropriate would it be if I invited a guy I did the frick frack with into my mom's car?". I would ask her questions such as "What was your last sexual experience?". She caught on pretty quick. It was masochistic, but I needed to know if she was still ****ing others as I forgave her for the first rebound, and was willing to be friends with her. She confronted me about it and told me that I was harassing her. I did harass her and that was wrong of me. Eventually down the line, I would like to apologize for my behavior.

Edited December 21, 2013 by Bishop556

[melell]

Bottom line- you are responsible for your actions, and she is responsible for hers. When people make decisions they are in effect establishing their character. Our character is always evolving- for better or worse.

 

It is so important at times like this to not take personally someones decisions, whether they are to hurt you, or not. They own what they do- it isn't even worth thinking about.

 

I can only be brutally honest based on myself, but, I wouldn't/couldn't sleep with others while in love with someone else. And I wouldn't go about doing that with the intention of hurting someone- no matter how upset I was.

- I certainly wouldn't find the type of person that does that appealing.

 

It is incredibly frustrating in the early stages of the breakup, because it is personal, their actions etc feel like a betrayal. It will get better, eventually you will look back on this and wonder why you cared about someone who does that.

 

My ex was a pretty ruthless person, his character was far from 'good', and I can remember being really hurt for months after our bu. It is a double whammy when the other person is capable of things like that. Now though, I look back, and I am like why the f did I care at all- their was no logic to it.

 

Take the advice on here, stick to healing and moving on. Honestly, from what you have said I think that anything other than moving on is emotional suicide.

[Haydn]

Nice Smiths quote.

 

Bottom line- you are responsible for your actions, and she is responsible for hers. When people make decisions they are in effect establishing their character. Our character is always evolving- for better or worse.

 

It is so important at times like this to not take personally someones decisions, whether they are to hurt you, or not. They own what they do- it isn't even worth thinking about.

 

I can only be brutally honest based on myself, but, I wouldn't/couldn't sleep with others while in love with someone else. And I wouldn't go about doing that with the intention of hurting someone- no matter how upset I was.

- I certainly wouldn't find the type of person that does that appealing.

 

It is incredibly frustrating in the early stages of the breakup, because it is personal, their actions etc feel like a betrayal. It will get better, eventually you will look back on this and wonder why you cared about someone who does that.

 

My ex was a pretty ruthless person, his character was far from 'good', and I can remember being really hurt for months after our bu. It is a double whammy when the other person is capable of things like that. Now though, I look back, and I am like why the f did I care at all- their was no logic to it.

 

Take the advice on here, stick to healing and moving on. Honestly, from what you have said I think that anything other than moving on is emotional suicide.

[Haydn]

Hey friend do not be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes and we are fragile sometimes. Please delete all your accounts pertaining to her, you will feel better. Lives and learns sonny jim. Now move on and deal with yourself. Take care.

 

 

 

 

 

I forgot to mention that I would post anonymous questions in her ask box on tumblr, but they were not anything condescending or me cursing her out.They were questions in regard to her messages such as "On a scale of one through ten, how inappropriate would it be if I invited a guy I did the frick frack with into my mom's car?". I would ask her questions such as "What was your last sexual experience?". She caught on pretty quick. It was masochistic, but I needed to know if she was still ****ing others as I forgave her for the first rebound, and was willing to be friends with her. She confronted me about it and told me that I was harassing her. I did harass her and that was wrong of me. Eventually down the line, I would like to apologize for my behavior.

[Bishop556]

Funny enough, I am laughing at my reaction to all of this. I don't know why I am finding humor in my heartbreak, but I believe that being able to laugh at your mistakes is the best way to cope with them.