maskison Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 (edited) This is a long f***** up story, I'll try to give a short version. Husband cheats, wants to rugsweep, I'm hot/cold, can't do counseling for various reasons. Here is where you all know what happens! I find someone to talk to online. I open up and the conversations got longer and more personal. Feelings start to develop.This guy tells me that he has cheated on his wife multiple times! He tells me he and his wife are only intimate a few times a month (really, huh?), he mirrors things I say later in the conversation, he is so typical but the scary part is I find myself believing these things. The whole thing is so wrong, I know. The majority of the day though we're talking about very superficial stuff and it's just nice to be able to laugh again-to feel feelings! There are so many times I've thought, "this is what WH was feeling". I felt like I got what I needed from it and felt like I did get some closure with the things that happened in my own marriage (I do NOT blame my WH's A, I understand my own lack of boundaries here). But, I haven't stopped. Things have turned into a full blown EA. I need to hear that I'm awful for doing this to another woman. I need to hear that I'm not as special as he says I am. I need to hear that he's no prize. I need to hear this will get ugly no matter how much control I think I have. I need help. Edited December 21, 2013 by maskison clarification
OldRover Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 This is a long f***** up story, I'll try to give a short version. Husband cheats, wants to rugsweep, I'm hot/cold, can't do counseling for various reasons. Here is where you all know what happens! I find someone to talk to online. I open up and the conversations got longer and more personal. Feelings start to develop.This guy tells me that he has cheated on his wife multiple times! He tells me he and his wife are only intimate a few times a month (really, huh?), he mirrors things I say later in the conversation, he is so typical but the scary part is I find myself believing these things. The whole thing is so wrong, I know. The majority of the day though we're talking about very superficial stuff and it's just nice to be able to laugh again-to feel feelings! There are so many times I've thought, "this is what WH was feeling". I felt like I got what I needed from it and felt like I did get some closure with the things that happened in my own marriage (I do NOT blame my WH's A, I understand my own lack of boundaries here). But, I haven't stopped. Things have turned into a full blown EA. I need to hear that I'm awful for doing this to another woman. I need to hear that I'm not as special as he says I am. I need to hear that he's no prize. I need to hear this will get ugly no matter how much control I think I have. I need help. Probably need a bit more info to comment.... First what's a WH... wayward husband?
Popsicle Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 You are awful for doing this to another woman. You are not as special as he says you are. He is no prize. This will get ugly no matter how much control you think you have. There, does that help? (these are all true)
Cinnimon Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Hi Maskion. So would you consider this a revenge affair maybe? Not being rude , just curious.
sunburned Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 My dear, you have heard all that from the most important, believable, trustworthy source of all -- your conscience. Listen! 5
Author maskison Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 Probably need a bit more info to comment.... First what's a WH... wayward husband? Yes, sorry! Popsicle, no, I guess it doesn't really. I'm not usually one to talk about my problems because I really do usually know what needs to be done. I've just never been here, I know we could never be together but I keep setting a limit on where to end it...then I push that back a little further.
OldRover Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Yes, sorry! Popsicle, no, I guess it doesn't really. I'm not usually one to talk about my problems because I really do usually know what needs to be done. I've just never been here, I know we could never be together but I keep setting a limit on where to end it...then I push that back a little further. maskison, From what you said... he cheated on his wife several times... would give reason to pass on him. And it depends on the reason he's cheated and where he stands with the wife. If he was preparing to split with the wife, and in the process you came into the picture and he wasn't chasing a bunch of others, it "may" work, however risky. For me (but I'm a guy), the fact that he's cheated several times is a huge red flag. I could argue to be in a relation with one person... regardless of who, but only one.
Author maskison Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 Hi Maskion. So would you consider this a revenge affair maybe? Not being rude , just curious. I've considered it as maybe an exit affair. But I'd like to leave my marriage with some dignity. I would become a single mother of toddlers, I've carried housing applications in my car for months now. I gave up my job to raise my children (I was pregnant when he cheated). I'm scared of letting go, I have very little help as it is, I don't know how I would make it completely alone.
Author maskison Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 maskison, From what you said... he cheated on his wife several times... would give reason to pass on him. And it depends on the reason he's cheated and where he stands with the wife. If he was preparing to split with the wife, and in the process you came into the picture and he wasn't chasing a bunch of others, it "may" work, however risky. For me (but I'm a guy), the fact that he's cheated several times is a huge red flag. I could argue to be in a relation with one person... regardless of who, but only one. I'm curious about these things as well, I'm not sure of the state of his marriage. I have wanted to ask, and multiple women during his marriage is why I question some of the things he says to me but I still find myself thinking of him constantly. My H practically lives in another state due to his job so I am here *thinking* a lot.
OldRover Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I'm curious about these things as well, I'm not sure of the state of his marriage. I have wanted to ask, and multiple women during his marriage is why I question some of the things he says to me but I still find myself thinking of him constantly. My H practically lives in another state due to his job so I am here *thinking* a lot. Maskison, Are you and the H splitting up? If not, I could strongly argue to make the M work..... If not, end it and find an unattached guy that will make you happy. Lots of variables.... and choices.
Popsicle Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Maybe you should leave both your husband and the MM.
Author maskison Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 Maskison, Are you and the H splitting up? If not, I could strongly argue to make the M work..... If not, end it and find an unattached guy that will make you happy. Lots of variables.... and choices. Not right now we aren't separating. I hope things will still change, but I'm not willing to leave right now. Sorry to be so vague. We have small children that I have to stay home with. If I left, I would have no money after daycare costs. All of the burden falls on me, it's because I stay home with children that he can keep his well paying out of state job. I've honestly done everything that I can think of to get us through and right now I'm just at the end of my rope. I'm still in my 20's and basically a single mom (minus finances and a week out of the month) So I now I have someone that tells me I'm beautiful and fun and I really really don't want to let it go.
Author maskison Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 Maybe you should leave both your husband and the MM. If it were so simple I doubt any of us would be here, would we? 1
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 What's so great about this particular guy? Is it that he is so great, or that he just came along at the right time? You make it out like he's putting on an act and you can see right through it. Can you list some of the things you love about this guy? I'm assuming you've told each other how much you love each other? Don't know if this is you, but it's pretty easy to make yourself look good when all you do is communicate online, isn't it? He can always put his best foot forward, and so can you. That's true of any relationship when you're just starting out and don't live together, but even moreso when it's all done remotely.
Popsicle Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 If it were so simple I doubt any of us would be here, would we? Funny. Maybe I'm just old but ever since I can remember, the word "mistress" or "other woman" was always used in reference to a single woman involved with a MM. Apparently today, the meaning has changed and means married woman involved with a married man???
Author maskison Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 What's so great about this particular guy? Is it that he is so great, or that he just came along at the right time? You make it out like he's putting on an act and you can see right through it. Can you list some of the things you love about this guy? I'm assuming you've told each other how much you love each other? Don't know if this is you, but it's pretty easy to make yourself look good when all you do is communicate online, isn't it? He can always put his best foot forward, and so can you. That's true of any relationship when you're just starting out and don't live together, but even moreso when it's all done remotely. This right here! I don't believe him sometimes, and I've told him this. I've thought exactly everything you wrote here. I tell myself that I won't respond or look for his emails but there I am looking for them and my heart skips a beat with every new message. There's a part of me that thinks MAYBE, maybe he does enjoy talking to me just as much, maybe he does think about me like he says... No, we haven't said we love each other...we're kind of just now admitting feelings. And I do think he came along at the right time, saying all the right things. I would never look for a relationship with this guy but I do enjoy what he's offering right now. He lives very close to me, we've talked about meeting but I've avoided it. It's another one of those "limits" that I find myself not sticking to. I am curious if we would get along as well in person but I guess I know better than to do that too.
Author maskison Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 I guess I want to know, is this how it always starts out? I'm enjoying the attention for now, even though I know it's wrong, and I know that he is far from reliable. Is it normal to think you have some sort of grip on the situation in the beginning?
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 (edited) I guess I want to know, is this how it always starts out? I'm enjoying the attention for now, even though I know it's wrong, and I know that he is far from reliable. Is it normal to think you have some sort of grip on the situation in the beginning? Guys have been known to tell women what they want to hear to get what they want. This guy wants to meet up. You've posted so little about the other guy, mostly about how you need this, not much (in fact, I think, nothing) about this online guy's good qualities (he shows you attention? - if that is a "good" quality?) He sounds like a pleasant diversion for you. Your husband is only home a week a month. Has cheated on you already, for all you know, probably still is. Lousy husband, lousy father, nice paycheck - does that sum it up? If you are like most people I know, you can't focus on two people at the same time. You can't work on your marriage while you are focused on your online guy. When husband comes home for his week, you probably can't wait until he gets the heck out and back on the road so you can communicate with online guy. Online guy could turn into a real thing, but right now it's all unicorns and rainbows as they say. Only way you're going to find out is if you explore it further with him. I guess you know he is married and you have some guilt about that? But not enough to stop. You are feeling like you can keep the online guy, feed your need for some attention, throw him some sex to keep him interested, maybe you could use some too, meanwhile use your husband for the paycheck, and he's probably cheating on you anyway? You are not happy in your marriage. I would start from there. What is your plan? I suggest to drop the online guy for now, try to make your marriage better. The long distance thing is a killer for many marriages, and it seems to be for yours. Could you be happier with less money and more husband? You seem like you are just wandering through life, just dealing with whatever good or bad comes in your path. It's great if good things happen to you that you are not even trying for, but that is not usually how it works. Usually you have to put in some effort to achieve the result you want. I think you need some direction. Work on the marriage. OR go back to school and make your plans to leave the marriage when you're ready. Drop online guy, he's married, you're married, it's like a big mess waiting to happen. I think a lot of guys don't realize how much attention, feeling sexually desired, matters to women, especially younger guys. Maybe you can talk to your husband about it and give it another shot with him. He is the father of your children, what are your feelings about that? I think it is normal to feel in control in the beginning. Sometimes you never lose control. If you look at the other posts here, you get to see the ones who do lose control over it. Edited December 21, 2013 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick 2
blue963 Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I know it sounds old and like a cliche. But what about dropping the mm and actually tell your husband flat out how you are feeling.....single mom, alone, etc. Can he at least meet you half way?
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