Did I mess up?

[DementedLlama]

Ok...I want to know the truth if I messed up. Maybe I over reacted, but given my history of under reacting, I tried to do things differently this time around and now I'm regretting it.

 

I'd only been dating someone a month. We live 100 miles apart so we only went out 4 times. We're both middle age. She's very extroverted and super busy, I'm introverted and more into my interests and projects.

 

The first two dates were awesome. We talked for hours, but she was late for both...the first one only 7 minutes late, the second one 20 minutes. The "reason" for being late the second time was due to running into a neighbor that wanted to borrow her leaf blower. Ok...no biggie. I never brought it up.

 

My "mistake" started when she said she preferred to talk over the phone instead of texting. So a couple of days after our second date, I called her one evening at 7pm. I felt like I was intruding into her evening, but she was still polite. She got off the phone when her daughter came by the house to visit, but she promised to call me back around 9pm. I turned down playing tennis my one of my friends who contacted me later because I wanted to be available for Lisa to call me back. 9pm rolled around..no call...then 10. at 10:30 I got a text that she got busy getting ready for bed and was just now available. I texted that I was in bed already so she promised to call me the next night at 9pm.

 

9pm rolled around the next day...no call. Got at text at 10pm that yoga ran late and she hadn't gotten home yet. She'll call tomorrow. Next day arrives..9pm...no call. I texted at 9:30 and said that I needed to wrap up my day.

 

The communication spiral down began at this point. We went out on two more dates, but they were group dates and while she flirted with me, and wanted me to stay over at her house (nothing happened..I'm not that kind of person to move that fast), we got no alone time to continue to get to know each other. At one point I got so frustrated because she had an opportunity after the symphony to say goodbye to everyone and she and I could have gone out for dessert or gone home and watched a movie or talked. Instead, she asked the group to go out to dessert!

 

So I basically called the whole thing off. I couldn't even get her on the phone to communicate it in person. I had to email! I tried to talk in person, over the phone...to no avail. I told her that I felt like she must not be interested in me since she was always too busy to initiate any communication with me.

 

Now I'm second guessing myself. Did I mess up? Are there some people who want the other person to initiate all communications? Are there some people who legitimately are "too busy"? She does have grown children, a grandchild she helps take care of, a large number of friends, and a mother that is having health issues. Still, she plays caretaker far more than what seems healthy, while I got pushed to the backburner.

 

So..did I over react? I'm going to kick myself if I did, but I need to know the truth so I don't repeat this mistake.

[letsplaygofish2]

I don't think you've messed up. Rather, I think both of your priorities are different. You mentioned that she has a child, so her priority is taking care of her family first. I'm guessing that you are completely single, right? So, both of you are in different phases of your life.

 

Granted, you live 100 miles apart from each other, the thought of getting into a very serious relationship so quickly is probably too fast! You're still getting to know each other and the relationship should be very much give and take, ebb and flow. There are no rights or wrongs, but rather the connection should happen gradually and automatically.

 

If you're trying too hard, then perhaps that is your only mistake - which is expecting her to try as hard as you are. When you put away the expectation of anything, you allow yourself to have fun.

 

That being said, I don't think you should have cancelled your personal activities for the sake of talking to her. Instead, you should have told her that you have plans and that you should make some time to discuss. Right now, you're just too available... which makes it sound like you have no life.

 

Go have fun! Don't put so much pressure on anything...

[dustinthewind]

Here's what I think you have on your hands... I think the girl your trying to date is a socialite and you will find out her social needs will always come before your needs... When a woman treats you as if your not her priority and is not attentive and makes a habit out of it, she is probably dating several people and has put you into "rotation" and if you decide not to pursue her you simply fall out of rotation and get replaced with another sucker that will buy her tickets to the next hot event or wine her and dine her so she can check in with Facebook to show her fake socialite friends how great her empty life is... Stop the chase, stop the pursuit, find another....She WILL NEVER allow herself to get attached to anyone... Probably has NBPD...(Narcissistic Borderline Personality Disorder) and there is a difference between NBPD and BPD so look them both up and see if you can spot the red flags in her ..