Almost 5 years of coping. Never wouldve imagined..

[DudeMan27]

Hello all. Well its been quite some time since I've posted on the board, but its been a great source of advice and hope to me throughout the years, and with the holidays close I thought I need to vent or reach out for some advice and/or a pick me up.

 

I'll try a quick overview and make things brief. 31 year old male, just about 5 year removed from my last serious relationship and if im honest with myself I am not over her. Around the time we broke up is when my friends who were all very close began moving on with their lives, (marriage, kids) and we all see each other maybe 25% of what we do. I'm an only child with a very small family in a small town, so I am alone quite often. Much of the time I enjoy my privacy, but times liek the holidays were my family gets together for maybe a few hours for dinner than I'm back to being alone again while everyone else is at these huge day long festivities really gets me down.

 

In the 5 years we've been broken up I've really tried to do everything right. I've met new people, I work out, etc, but theres only so much you can do when you really have no friends or anyone to travel with or anything like that. Pretty much the only time I see any of my friends are if I meet them out at a bar - and frankly im getting past that bar stage in my life quickly.

 

I'm not real sure where I'm going with all this but I'm just frustrated that here I am still having dreams about this girl sometimes, still find myself sad when I'm alone on a saturday night and thinking of the past. I've been upset over breakups before believe me. I never in a million years thought I couldnt handle 5 years. And thinking about it makes it even worse. So much in life changes in that time, and here I am almost in the same place. Every one of my friends is either married, has kids, or on their way to both. I am in two weddings this spring. I will be the only person in the entire wedding party not married, and most likely not even in a relationship. Christmas Eve and Day are next week, I'm set up for much of the same like the last 4 years. Seeing a few members of my family for maybe an hour or so, they'll go home and I'll be watching tv by myself. You can say don't think about the past or anything to bring you down, but when you're alone on christmas how can you not? I had a beautiful caring girl with a wonderful loving family I could be a part of.

 

I know you can't dwell on or live in the past and I've tried to block out all those thoughts, but once it hits 5 years and nothing seems to have changed for you, while everyone else in your life is building lives and families, its impossible not to think back to the last really happy times in your life. The last really enjoyable holidays you've had. At this point Im just not sure what to do - how to get out of this funk. Its at the point that I think I may need to get tested for depression. I'm generally a happy and fun person when I'm around people, but the majority of the time I'm by myself. I should be able to be alone and not miserable, but Im not. Thats what makes me think maybe its signs of depression. Well I'm going to wrap this up as I'm rambling, but thank you for taking the time to look this over and I would really appreciate some feedback, esp if anyone has or konws anyone that has been in my situation after THIS long. Thanks.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

It is especially hard this time of year being single but also be grateful for the family and friends you do have and who love you.

 

Maybe you should make a resolution for the new years to make changes in your life. Something you've always wanted to do or try...such as traveling alone, learning a new craft...doing something out of your comfort zone perhaps?

 

I'm in the same boat as you in regards to my social life. I have just a few friends, all are married and having babies at this point. I try not to focus on the fact that I'm still single with no potential relationship in sight. I'm 4.5 months post-break up and have always enjoyed my solitude though I long for that special someone to settle down with. I'm making a resolution to expand my social circle and attend social gathering even if I feel shy and uncomfortable.

 

It wouldn't hurt for you to see a therapist and determine if there's something else going on with you.

 

Best of luck and have faith that things will turn around for you.

[livingnightmare]

Your not alone mate, 4 years. Thought I had put it behind me, but certain issues are coming out, was a traumatic relationship for me slowly chipped away at with many lies, I don't even know if I knew who I was with.

 

Really takes its toll on your self esteem when it hits you that you haven't built a new life, made gains in life. Feeling what your feeling, having dreams too.

[Allumere]

got room in this boat? Now I have been over my ex-husband since he left in 07' but the damage from everything that happened in the relationship has certainly followed me. I have had 2 relationships since....dumped in both cases and the most recent is just a month old. But each time, I go through the same things you stated. Here I am, 5 years gone by and nothing has really changed. I have few friends to do things with as everyone my age (and I'm older then all y'all) has a family. I love to travel and go to live music but I have taken some financial hits so I am just getting by at the moment and everything is 90 minutes away or more. I go to the gym, I have horses, I do rescue work, support a record label, have a fulltime job...and I spend 90% of my time alone. As much as things change, they stay the same. It is frustrating and to be honest I'm jealous as hell. So I get it, you aren't alone at all and the holidays make it worse. I have wanted a loving relationship for over 20 years and it has yet to happen. I wanted children and at this point I am too old to produce. So all I do is turn it all over to God (yeah, I am a religious sort...it works for me) and continue to trust in him that this is all part of a plan. In the meantime, I'll kill time watching cheesy movies over the holiday and eating poorly.

[DudeMan27]

Thanks all for taking the time to respond and let me know youre out there. I just don't know why but I have this pit in my stomach that wasn't there even during christmas time when the breakup was still fresh. (I will say its not ALL missing her right now as it is being lonely and comparing it to what I DID have thats hurting) I have maybe 5 family members comming over tonight aroudn 6, I'm willing to bet they all leave by 730. So it will just be me, booze, and the tv. Sad Christmas Eve. I should be laughing and having fun and creating memories. Not sitting by myself like every other night. One of my best friends who was always single used to come down and hang out with me once his family stuff was done and he didnt have his son for the night, but he, like everyone else has since met someone and is engaged to be married.

 

My friends parents have people over Christmas night, so I at least have that. He's out of the country working but I still go down and play cards for a bit with his mom, aunts, uncles, cousins. But playing cards with someone elses family for an hour shouldnt be the highlight of my Christmas But I guess at least I have SOMETHING to do.

 

Went to a holiday gathering this weekend and my friends wife was kind of making these remarks about how I need to find a nice girl and this and that. That always makes me feel weird as well because it shows that other people notice that I havent had a girlfriend in ages. Im that guy in our group where people have said they have no idea why I dont have a gf or why I dont date. So i guess its pretty noticable lol. I dunno, I just hate what I've become. I cannot wait until Thursday to get all this over with. When I was younger this was the most amazing season and now I treat it like any other day. I'll prob sleep til noon, just lie on the couch, a quick dinner at my moms, play a couple card games with my friends parents then back home on my own.

 

I do hope you all have the best holiday you can tho. Thanks again for listening.

[AlphaC]

Thanks all for taking the time to respond and let me know youre out there. I just don't know why but I have this pit in my stomach that wasn't there even during christmas time when the breakup was still fresh. (I will say its not ALL missing her right now as it is being lonely and comparing it to what I DID have thats hurting) I have maybe 5 family members comming over tonight aroudn 6, I'm willing to bet they all leave by 730. So it will just be me, booze, and the tv. Sad Christmas Eve. I should be laughing and having fun and creating memories. Not sitting by myself like every other night. One of my best friends who was always single used to come down and hang out with me once his family stuff was done and he didnt have his son for the night, but he, like everyone else has since met someone and is engaged to be married.

 

My friends parents have people over Christmas night, so I at least have that. He's out of the country working but I still go down and play cards for a bit with his mom, aunts, uncles, cousins. But playing cards with someone elses family for an hour shouldnt be the highlight of my Christmas But I guess at least I have SOMETHING to do.

 

Went to a holiday gathering this weekend and my friends wife was kind of making these remarks about how I need to find a nice girl and this and that. That always makes me feel weird as well because it shows that other people notice that I havent had a girlfriend in ages. Im that guy in our group where people have said they have no idea why I dont have a gf or why I dont date. So i guess its pretty noticable lol. I dunno, I just hate what I've become. I cannot wait until Thursday to get all this over with. When I was younger this was the most amazing season and now I treat it like any other day. I'll prob sleep til noon, just lie on the couch, a quick dinner at my moms, play a couple card games with my friends parents then back home on my own.

 

I do hope you all have the best holiday you can tho. Thanks again for listening.

 

DUDE - 5 years!!!! GET OVER IT, Try online dating, to waste 5 years of your life thinking and dreaming over ONE Girl, that is nuts, sorry man but the sea is packed with fish. If your sea is dry you need to move, where the hell do you live, Juno Alaska? JEEEEZZ!!!

[AlphaC]

Hello all. Well its been quite some time since I've posted on the board, but its been a great source of advice and hope to me throughout the years, and with the holidays close I thought I need to vent or reach out for some advice and/or a pick me up.

 

I'll try a quick overview and make things brief. 31 year old male, just about 5 year removed from my last serious relationship and if im honest with myself I am not over her. Around the time we broke up is when my friends who were all very close began moving on with their lives, (marriage, kids) and we all see each other maybe 25% of what we do. I'm an only child with a very small family in a small town, so I am alone quite often. Much of the time I enjoy my privacy, but times liek the holidays were my family gets together for maybe a few hours for dinner than I'm back to being alone again while everyone else is at these huge day long festivities really gets me down.

 

In the 5 years we've been broken up I've really tried to do everything right. I've met new people, I work out, etc, but theres only so much you can do when you really have no friends or anyone to travel with or anything like that. Pretty much the only time I see any of my friends are if I meet them out at a bar - and frankly im getting past that bar stage in my life quickly.

 

I'm not real sure where I'm going with all this but I'm just frustrated that here I am still having dreams about this girl sometimes, still find myself sad when I'm alone on a saturday night and thinking of the past. I've been upset over breakups before believe me. I never in a million years thought I couldnt handle 5 years. And thinking about it makes it even worse. So much in life changes in that time, and here I am almost in the same place. Every one of my friends is either married, has kids, or on their way to both. I am in two weddings this spring. I will be the only person in the entire wedding party not married, and most likely not even in a relationship. Christmas Eve and Day are next week, I'm set up for much of the same like the last 4 years. Seeing a few members of my family for maybe an hour or so, they'll go home and I'll be watching tv by myself. You can say don't think about the past or anything to bring you down, but when you're alone on christmas how can you not? I had a beautiful caring girl with a wonderful loving family I could be a part of.

 

I know you can't dwell on or live in the past and I've tried to block out all those thoughts, but once it hits 5 years and nothing seems to have changed for you, while everyone else in your life is building lives and families, its impossible not to think back to the last really happy times in your life. The last really enjoyable holidays you've had. At this point Im just not sure what to do - how to get out of this funk. Its at the point that I think I may need to get tested for depression. I'm generally a happy and fun person when I'm around people, but the majority of the time I'm by myself. I should be able to be alone and not miserable, but Im not. Thats what makes me think maybe its signs of depression. Well I'm going to wrap this up as I'm rambling, but thank you for taking the time to look this over and I would really appreciate some feedback, esp if anyone has or konws anyone that has been in my situation after THIS long. Thanks.

 

 

Come to Tijuana, guaranteed to cure that oneitis - lol.

[DudeMan27]

Eh, I'm well aware how long its been, thats why I'm so alarmed. And I will say Im nowhere near as bad as I was, but the whole point of my post I live in a small town, all my friends have settled down, dont go out much, its tough to meet someone. I dated a girl 2 years ago for about 4 months, but I just wasnt into it as much as she was so I ended it. Another point I was making was I have worked on myself, and I did get over it, but then all of the sudden its almost 5 years and it hits me "I havent been in a relationship since, I'm constantly alone and now about to spend another holiday basically alone." When that thought hits you, everythign starts to flood back and you think about the life you could have had and what I could be doing right now had I worked things out. I mean, its easy to say I'll be okay, i've moved on, i'll meet someone else, but when almost 5 years have passed and it hasnt happend, nothigns changed, what do you do? I was just trying to vent because thats the situation I'm in now. I havent spent 5 years sulking and being miserable, but at this point in time those feelings are flooding back and I needed to vent.

[AlphaC]

Eh, I'm well aware how long its been, thats why I'm so alarmed. And I will say Im nowhere near as bad as I was, but the whole point of my post I live in a small town, all my friends have settled down, dont go out much, its tough to meet someone. I dated a girl 2 years ago for about 4 months, but I just wasnt into it as much as she was so I ended it. Another point I was making was I have worked on myself, and I did get over it, but then all of the sudden its almost 5 years and it hits me "I havent been in a relationship since, I'm constantly alone and now about to spend another holiday basically alone." When that thought hits you, everythign starts to flood back and you think about the life you could have had and what I could be doing right now had I worked things out. I mean, its easy to say I'll be okay, i've moved on, i'll meet someone else, but when almost 5 years have passed and it hasnt happend, nothigns changed, what do you do? I was just trying to vent because thats the situation I'm in now. I havent spent 5 years sulking and being miserable, but at this point in time those feelings are flooding back and I needed to vent.

 

I hear you brother, i am not trying to put you down. There is a great book that you should read, I don't want to tell you on here because the mods will think i'm trying to promote it. As soon as I become an "established member" i will PM it to you. You should travel, take up more hobbies, I take dance classes and I'm telling you it's the best way to meet women. Online dating it good too. Stay positive and look forward, always. Enjoy the holidays.

[DudeMan27]

Sounds good. Look forward to finding out the book. Thats another thing I need to do more of. Read. Maybe check out a self help book or something

[avacado]

Have you considered moving to a new city or state? There are a lot of places that sound more vibrant than the small town you're in right now. There's no job that's worth staying where you're at.