Author Mrlonelyone Posted December 24, 2013 Author Posted December 24, 2013 But the whole bootstraps argument in any context essentily exists to lay the blame for whatever condition one finds themselves in at the one who finds themselves in it and offer vindication and perhaps, but not always, self-superiority to the ones who don't. So. Salt. Wound. Et cetera. Yes if only those blacks and Indians would just pull themselves up.. . . . elswyth: What you said is false in relation to development. We hear of developmental milestones for babies. You know, walking by a certain age, talking by a certain age. That applies at all ages. Erikson's Psychosocial Stages Summary Chart Stage. Basic Conflict. Important Events. Outcome Infancy (birth to 18 months) Trust vs. Mistrust FeedingChildren develop a sense of trust when caregivers provide reliabilty, care, and affection. A lack of this will lead to mistrust. Early Childhood (2 to 3 years)Autonomy vs. Shame and DoubtToilet TrainingChildren need to develop a sense of personal control over physical skills and a sense of independence. Success leads to feelings of autonomy, failure results in feelings of shame and doubt. Preschool (3 to 5 years)Initiative vs. GuiltExplorationChildren need to begin asserting control and power over the environment. Success in this stage leads to a sense of purpose. Children who try to exert too much power experience disapproval, resulting in a sense of guilt. School Age (6 to 11 years)Industry vs. InferioritySchoolChildren need to cope with new social and academic demands. Success leads to a sense of competence, while failure results in feelings of inferiority. Adolescence (12 to 18 years)Identity vs. Role ConfusionSocial RelationshipsTeens need to develop a sense of self and personal identity. Success leads to an ability to stay true to yourself, while failure leads to role confusion and a weak sense of self. Young Adulthood (19 to 40 years)Intimacy vs. IsolationRelationshipsYoung adults need to form intimate, loving relationships with other people. Success leads to strong relationships, while failure results in loneliness and isolation. Middle Adulthood (40 to 65 years)Generativity vs. StagnationWork and ParenthoodAdults need to create or nurture things that will outlast them, often by having children or creating a positive change that benefits other people. Success leads to feelings of usefulness and accomplishment, while failure results in shallow involvement in the world. Maturity(65 to death)Ego Integrity vs. DespairReflection on LifeOlder adults need to look back on life and feel a sense of fulfillment. Success at this stage leads to feelings of wisdom, while failure results in regret, bitterness, and despair. Not just Elwyth but others have once again personalized a thread I wrote which is not about me. It is just a genera theory about why some people have trouble with relationships. In the three years I've been here I have had two long term if not ideal relationships. I don't have trouble. Not everyone hungers to get married to the point that anything less than marriage like a couple of posters here is a problem. It would be nice if I had met someone who was for me that way but I haven't.
Els Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 Not just Elwyth but others have once again personalized a thread I wrote which is not about me. It is just a genera theory about why some people have trouble with relationships. In the three years I've been here I have had two long term if not ideal relationships. I don't have trouble. Not everyone hungers to get married to the point that anything less than marriage like a couple of posters here is a problem. It would be nice if I had met someone who was for me that way but I haven't. I wasn't necessarily talking about you, simply responding to the question in your topic. The conversation only veered towards you when Anya brought you up. As for the milestones, I don't see how they disprove my point. People who miss out on them are at a disadvantage, yes, but not necessarily one that is impossible to overcome. At any rate, are you genuinely asking a question in your OP, or do you already have your mind set as to what the answer is? If it is the latter, I won't bother you.
Els Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 After reading another one of his posts with more info, you might actually be right as far as this just being an interesting comparison. I think some of his other posts I had read previously caused me to mistype him. But still, even if you know people in other countries who have done this, in many cases it is exceptional. It is not something that everyone can do or even has the tools to begin. As to whether the analogy is accurate, I think that given the less than infinite number of people of the particular gender one is interested in, from a definitional standpoint, the economics of scarcity play in (even if that mentality is one that is detrimental to one's goal of obtaining a mate), and there is a similar combination of what you were born with and what you can do with what you have. The Analogy, to my mind, seems accurate enough, if again, not useful in actually finding a mate. I find the analogy excellent as well, yes, except that I believe that both overcoming poverty and overcoming social shortcomings are possible. Happy to agree to disagree about that. At any rate, this isn't about 'blame', as you seem to think it is. This is merely about encouragement. At the end of the day, the hard fact is that we are the ones who are responsible for the outcomes of our own lives, and not anyone else. People can complain all they want about 'victimization', but it really isn't my business or anyone else's what happens in their lives, nor will I be the one suffering the consequences of their pessimism. It's all on them. If you believe it is unhelpful or 'self-superior', that is your prerogative. Honestly, I generally avoid threads like these due to this very phenomenon - people reading offense where there is none intended and snapping at the very people who are attempting to help them. I get it that people are hurting, but at the end of the day, nobody wants to help someone who reciprocates in that manner.
dreamingoftigers Posted December 25, 2013 Posted December 25, 2013 Are you the rule or the exception? Some boys can play basketball so well they can get out of the ghetto and into the NBA. Most don't. I think it's my case as well. If you read Gottman, he sets out behaviours etc. that make/break a marriage. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think our brains cycle on almost an "algorithm" that is part Neuro-function and part subconsciously learned in childhood. It keep dragging us back over old patterns until they ingrained further or we break them. I find it fascinating how much coping skills I have tried to change end up creating other coping skills with virtually the same results. I am getting very discouraged abd feeling like I just can beat the algorithm. I've created a similar childhood for my child that my idiot parents created for me. My husband creates scenarios that are highly draining and I find myself extremely stressed abd frustrated, but also by leaving extremely stressed and frustrated by co-parenting etc. it's like the ultimate no-win. My emotional cardboard box under the freeway as it were.
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