Having sex after a breakup

[legion113]

Oh don't listen to people trying to psychoanalyze you BYCS, sometimes you just want to do something because it makes you feel good. Not because of childhood trauma or low self esteem.

Geez man, a woman like you who wants to have sex just for the hell of it!?!? Works for me! :-)

[Zoe Lilith]

I would deeply look at your relationship with your father and is usually a tell-tale sign of why you are doing this to yourself.

 

What I see here is that you are looking for validation. You are a little girl that's looking for a daddy figure or just a manly figure for some sort of attention and validation. To give you a pat in the back you so yearned for so so long. Perhaps your own daddy didn't do as much as you would have liked?!? Someone who would respect you, cherish you like a beautiful human being and cares for you despite the physical attributes that you have. Did you daddy did all that?

Instead, when you are now grown up, you hooked up with men who sole focus are on physical attributes and physical senses. Like you don't have a tight pussy or that you don't have much worldly possessions, so you would want to hook up with men who are well off than you and have a bigger stick down below. These men had convinced you are not worthy of yourself. That's always their plan, so they know you're going to prove they are wrong by having sex with them. Your current emotional attachment to this guy is simple. You are just simply looking for him to say you're a good girl after he came inside of you. But then, you will be dissappointed, because you won't find it in him. And no, you won't find it in all the men you will be sleeping or plan to sleep with, because the problem is not with them, it is with you.

 

That does not mean these men you slept with does not have problems. Guess what? They have the same problem like you, except it is the woman figure that they lacked acknowledgement. Usually, they lack the motherly love when they were younger and now date women like yourself to see love when in fact, it is the void of love in their heart that now judges women only by the size of their boobs, their vaginas and their figures. Physical attributes rarely satisfy anyone -- you will keep looking for the ultimate vagina, ultimate boobs etc.. But you will not find it.

 

But when you find how to love yourself, then you will find physical attributes and size of the man's wand does not matter. Men who think their size of wand does matter needs to re-assess his own self-esteem. When people think they don't have what it takes to make love, that's a sign of low self-esteem.

 

I have met men who are on wheel chairs, bounded and have mobility issues and have 2 to 3 kids, gorgeous wives and happy sex lives. Made me feel shameful that if these guys are disabled, why then they have great lives and wonderful wives when I can walk and run without a wheelchair!!

 

Reassess who you are, be alone and heal and love yourself, before you can love someone.

 

When you love yourself and then have someone who is on your same level, the sex will be much more satisfying. It's not the size of the equipment you've got that makes great sex. It's the size of your heart that MATTERS!

 

Take care.

 

Yep, Freud did make a lot of sense.

[happydate]

Oh don't listen to people trying to psychoanalyze you BYCS, sometimes you just want to do something because it makes you feel good. Not because of childhood trauma or low self esteem.

Geez man, a woman like you who wants to have sex just for the hell of it!?!? Works for me! :-)

 

And then why is she still debating for? Why is she indecisive in her decision? She's a big girl and she sounds pretty smart.

 

I think she's here just looking for the green light (another validation) that she's ok to have sex. She's a big girl and I have no problems with that. As far as I'm concerned, she can do whatever she pleases. It's her vagina and that's what she wanted.

 

But as I said before, there's no free lunch. There are always consequences when you try to defer your breakup pain into the future, because someday you will have to face this demon in you. And you will. Everyone will. It's easier to deal with it when you have the least baggage. It's harder when you dug a deeper hole than you may not manage to crawl out of.

[Why so consistent]

And then why is she still debating for? Why is she indecisive in her decision? She's a big girl and she sounds pretty smart.

 

I think she's here just looking for the green light (another validation) that she's ok to have sex. She's a big girl and I have no problems with that. As far as I'm concerned, she can do whatever she pleases. It's her vagina and that's what she wanted.

 

But as I said before, there's no free lunch. There are always consequences when you try to defer your breakup pain into the future, because someday you will have to face this demon in you. And you will. Everyone will. It's easier to deal with it when you have the least baggage. It's harder when you dug a deeper hole than you may not manage to crawl out of.

 

you are absolutely right ! that's what i been saying once u done something bad it will be there remain rest of your life

[mtnbiker3000]

I say, go bang a/some dude(s) if ya want. If you're good with it than that's all that matters. Who cares what anyone else thinks. As long as he knows the intended outcome and won't be misled...

 

My issue is codependency and self esteem. My first appt with a therapist is this Thursday.

 

^^ Now you're cookin' with gas. I say, this is what you should be questioning!!

[legion113]

You ever think that maybe she just comes on this board to keep her mind off her ex? She's got to be confused and hurting right now, it's quite evident in what and how she writes. Emotionally she's a mess true, but who of us isn't when we first break up? How many of us look back on our actions months later and think "God, I can't believe I was acting like that!"

I'd prefer she keeps coming on these boards and at least get some social interaction than sit by herself ruminating about her ex and feeling depressed.

 

The last thing she needs, and I've seen it in some of her other posts is people belittling her or making her feel even worse about herself.

Edited December 20, 2013 by legion113

[NewlySingle1975]

Well...let me put it to you this way. My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and while I don't know what is going to happen, I know in my heart I am going to have another girlfriend. And for me, I made a vow yesterday that I was going to be faithful to that person starting now. I know I don't know who my next girlfriend is, when we will get together, or when we will meet....but I want to be able to look at her and know I was faithful to her before we got together. That means I'm not going to go out and do "one night stands" or anything like that. She will be the next person I am with. After all, I have to think about her too....I wouldn't want her going out having "one night stands" before we got together, I would like to think she was faithful to me after her breakup too.

 

I also look at it like this....if you go out and have sex to stop your heart from breaking, that's not a solution. Let me give you a good example...recently I watched the movie "Varsity Blues" with James Van Der Beek and Paul Walker (RIP). In the movie, Paul Walker plays the quarterback and everytime he got injured he received a Cortizone shot which deadened the pain so he could still play. Well by playing on the hurt ankle, he did more damge until it finally gave way and his carrer was over. So what does this have to do with sex and breaking up? Well look at sex as that Cortizone shot and his ankle as your heart...you're not helping your situation, you're just temporarily deadening the pain. It's not helping you in the healing process (except maybe giving you an outlet). But if you're doing it just to "do it", well you need to consider you will have another boyfriend and wouldn't it be nice to be faithful to him starting now? Think about how much meaningful the sex will be then when you are in a well established relationship.

 

That's just my opinion. Personally, I wouldn't sleep with someone unless I am in a committed relationship with them and it means something, but that's just me. To each their own.

[Simon Phoenix]

I really take your advice seriously. Thank you. You are right.

 

I won't have sex with this guy. I thought about it at lunch and I could see how it might end up hurting me worse.

 

Sorry my emotions are all over the place. I'm just trying to find the quickest route to recovery! It's helpless.

 

Yeah, I'd just chill on the men thing for the time being. Go to the gym, maybe go shopping and spoil yourself rotten, hang out with girl friends doing things that girl friends do, take a day trip somewhere, go hiking (if possible) or do something outdoorsy, take up a new hobby, etc. You'll make it, it just won't happen overnight. But if you stay on the path, you'll get there and be a better person for it.

[loversquarrel]

You are doing the right thing in seeing a therapist. It really is a turn off when a woman starts talking/acting like a guy when it comes to sex. Guys that act like this are disrespectful jack-offs. Respect yourself, seriously. Work on you and give yourself to someone who is deserving, not to someone who thinks you are just "good enough" to sleep with. You want a self esteem boost? Are you prepared for a guy to blow you off afterwards? - A distinct possibility, and not good for the ego.

 

All of this is just my .02 of course, not too mention I get upset when I see women de-value themselves. Call me old fashioned but I do have daughters and it makes me think.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I feel bad for making this post, I was thinking irrationally. Gosh, sometimes this site can be a blessing and a curse. I walked away from it for a minute and I felt better. I think being here kinda makes me think too much of HIM. I like being here to talk to you all, but it's like I'm focusing my attention on HIM. I don't like that.

 

I won't devalue myself. I'm truly not that person and never have been (except for one other time and I really regretted it!). I believe in love and sex only feels good when there is love involved.

 

I decided to respect myself and not sleep with another guy until I am fully healed and ready to be in a relationship again. I will save that for the person I am meant to be with.

 

Thank you everyone for slapping me back to reality before I made a mistake I would later regret!! I'm glad you all are here for me. Although, I'm kind of embarrassed now.

 

They recently put me on anti depressants and they make me think differently and weird. My head is foggy and I'm actually more sad than I was without them.

 

You guys are the best. I have been a mess, haven't I? What's gotten into me?!!?

[Why so consistent]

You guys are the best. I have been a mess, haven't I? What's gotten into me?!!?

 

that's the way it should be dont u think ? because u are a human with a heart

[happydate]

You ever think that maybe she just comes on this board to keep her mind off her ex? She's got to be confused and hurting right now, it's quite evident in what and how she writes. Emotionally she's a mess true, but who of us isn't when we first break up? How many of us look back on our actions months later and think "God, I can't believe I was acting like that!"

I'd prefer she keeps coming on these boards and at least get some social interaction than sit by herself ruminating about her ex and feeling depressed.

 

The last thing she needs, and I've seen it in some of her other posts is people belittling her or making her feel even worse about herself.

 

First of all, it was her choice to be in this situation and she made this her choice. And she's using her means possible to coerce us here to validate her choice so she won't feel guilty if she had sex with him and it didn't work out. Have you ever thought what she is doing to us? Using us as an excuse that if she fails again, which I think she knew because it isn't the first time she slept with him, she will simply defer the responsibility on to us because we all said yes. I don't know about you, but I find this attitude detesting; almost on the borderline of intentional manipulation. We all know she loves drama and orgy on any discussion about this. We are just inflating her orgy for self-validation. It is a normal trait for these kind of people, or at least that is what my therapist told me. People like her would go on the net to seek validation and attention. They more less thrive on this feeling. What I've read from a lot people are very good advice, coming from experience and good healing. And yet you see she's curving her way around it and always going back to, Oh geez I'm sad again and I'm thinking of him and wanting him.

 

No matter how many million times we tell her not to, she will keep on asking for validation. My best advise is to seek a therapist which she is and be alone and heal. She will be a better woman with a higher self-esteem.

 

The main reason she has low self-esteem is not because she always has low self-esteem. It's because the men she slept with had lower self-esteem than her, so they would naturally belittle her her self-esteem down lower than those men. I want to raise her self-esteem up, be more confident and self-assured and sometimes, I may have to attack the very ego that caused her to have low self-esteem and make her believe that she is a sum of more than she really is. And that she is a beautiful person. When you go into theraphy, your ego will be challenged. This is the truth, which is why most people don't last long in therapies. They quit and go back to who they are.

[Simon Phoenix]

I feel bad for making this post, I was thinking irrationally. Gosh, sometimes this site can be a blessing and a curse. I walked away from it for a minute and I felt better. I think being here kinda makes me think too much of HIM. I like being here to talk to you all, but it's like I'm focusing my attention on HIM. I don't like that.

 

I won't devalue myself. I'm truly not that person and never have been (except for one other time and I really regretted it!). I believe in love and sex only feels good when there is love involved.

 

I decided to respect myself and not sleep with another guy until I am fully healed and ready to be in a relationship again. I will save that for the person I am meant to be with.

 

Thank you everyone for slapping me back to reality before I made a mistake I would later regret!! I'm glad you all are here for me. Although, I'm kind of embarrassed now.

 

They recently put me on anti depressants and they make me think differently and weird. My head is foggy and I'm actually more sad than I was without them.

 

You guys are the best. I have been a mess, haven't I? What's gotten into me?!!?

 

You're heartbroken, therefore it's hard to think rationally. And I'm guessing you've always been a "go with your heart" type person instead of a "go with your brain" type person. Either way, it's far better to be goofy and all over the place on here then lowering yourself to try to placate a person who doesn't really give two sh*ts about you -- at least as a lover.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Have you ever thought what she is doing to us? Using us as an excuse that if she fails again, which I think she knew because it isn't the first time she slept with him, she will simply defer the responsibility on to us because we all said yes. I don't know about you, but I find this attitude detesting; almost on the borderline of intentional manipulation.

 

I haven't read the rest, but stopped here.

 

Please ignore this ignorant fool. That was not at all my intentions! We all come on here seeking advice in our lowest moments, knowing well before hand what will be dished out. I knew you all would say "NO don't do it!" But I needed to hear it over and over to actually NOT do it.

 

If anything, you NEED therapy. Stop trying to FIX me. Stop trying to figure me out! I'm done talking to you. You are blocked, so I can't see what you write.

Edited December 20, 2013 by BlessYourCottonSocks

[loversquarrel]

It often times is easier to try and mask how we truly feel. You take a step forward whenever you pause and ask for advice, or pause to reflect about what is best for you... It is much better to sit back and sort things out rather than to act out impulsively.

[happydate]

I haven't read the rest, but stopped here.

 

Please ignore this ignorant fool. That was not at all my intentions! We all come on here seeking advice in our lowest moments, knowing well before hand what will be dished out. I knew you all would say "NO don't do it!" But I needed to hear it over and over to actually NOT do it.

 

If anything, you NEED therapy. Stop trying to FIX me. Stop trying to figure me out! I'm done talking to you. You are blocked, so I can't see what you write.

 

For a person on theraphy, you seemed to be on here a lot. So are you not trusting your therapist then?

[Zoe Lilith]

I haven't read the rest, but stopped here.

 

Please ignore this ignorant fool. That was not at all my intentions! We all come on here seeking advice in our lowest moments, knowing well before hand what will be dished out. I knew you all would say "NO don't do it!" But I needed to hear it over and over to actually NOT do it.

 

If anything, you NEED therapy. Stop trying to FIX me. Stop trying to figure me out! I'm done talking to you. You are blocked, so I can't see what you write.

 

I think you are taking it too personally...People here are trying to help you. It's harsh at times, people have different opinions. Just like you have the right to express your toughts and feelings for everyone to see, other people have the right to share their thoughts on that. Don't take it personally.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

For a person on theraphy, you seemed to be on here a lot. So are you not trusting your therapist then?

 

You don't listen either. I said my FIRST therapy appointment is Thursday.

 

Maybe if you said nice things, I would like you, but you already ruined that. Now you are just trying to annoy me.

 

I got an ex who does that, don't need you too.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I think you are taking it too personally...People here are trying to help you. It's harsh at times, people have different opinions. Just like you have the right to express your toughts and feelings for everyone to see, other people have the right to share their thoughts on that. Don't take it personally.

 

How was he trying to help me by THINKING he knows everything about me and psychoanalyzing me?

 

I'm not his lab rat.

[Never Again]

I think you are taking it too personally...People here are trying to help you. It's harsh at times, people have different opinions. Just like you have the right to express your toughts and feelings for everyone to see, other people have the right to share their thoughts on that. Don't take it personally.

 

While you're correct on this, some folks get a little too presumptuous and start psychoanalyzing people they barely know.

 

There comes a point where people can give advice and insight, but need to stop themselves from delving into the deeper psychology. Some love laying on the "soft science".

[miguelcervantes]

Read through all your threads and thought that perhaps there was more to the story then is being told here. Your ex was certainly made out to be some kind of douche bag and yourself made out to be a doormat. However, every now and then pieces to the puzzle are revealed that offer a little more clarity. So you have slept with at least one other well endowed non-relationship type of (rich) player while separated (in the midst of your relationship) which is (from what I understand) better than sleeping with tight p***ies while not separated.

 

However, I would really also love to hear your ex's take on things especially since you have such a high drive that you needed what you needed while separated and prior to getting back together again, even though you loved your ex with all your heart. And now, again, you need what you need as you go through another separation (and from what you say this might be a permanent separation so its OK anyway).

 

I am not saying that you are in the wrong or your ex was blameless, but I can see how some people on this forum might react in a less than positive way and you might end up blocking half the readership of your thread.

 

My take on this is that you are about to take one more ride on this carousel and hopefully after that you will settle down and work on (a) yourself; and then (b) getting into a healthy relationship when you know that you are healed. Good luck and hope you get a New Year's Eve date.

[Zoe Lilith]

How was he trying to help me by THINKING he knows everything about me and psychoanalyzing me?

 

I'm not his lab rat.

 

 

This is exactly why you shouldn't let that bother you. We only know the things you want us to know..it should care what people who are important to you think of you..I wouldbe offended if my close friend thought of me that way. I would take it seriously if my therapist thought that I have a more serious problem than I thought I have...Focus on yourself, what people think of you shouldn't matter to you..let them be, having an urge to stap on someone who already is down needs a psyhoanalysis too.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Read through all your threads and thought that perhaps there was more to the story then is being told here. Your ex was certainly made out to be some kind of douche bag and yourself made out to be a doormat. However, every now and then pieces to the puzzle are revealed that offer a little more clarity. So you have slept with at least one other well endowed non-relationship type of (rich) player while separated (in the midst of your relationship) which is (from what I understand) better than sleeping with tight p***ies while not separated.

 

However, I would really also love to hear your ex's take on things especially since you have such a high drive that you needed what you needed while separated and prior to getting back together again, even though you loved your ex with all your heart. And now, again, you need what you need as you go through another separation (and from what you say this might be a permanent separation so its OK anyway).

 

I am not saying that you are in the wrong or your ex was blameless, but I can see how some people on this forum might react in a less than positive way and you might end up blocking half the readership of your thread.

 

My take on this is that you are about to take one more ride on this carousel and hopefully after that you will settle down and work on (a) yourself; and then (b) getting into a healthy relationship when you know that you are healed. Good luck and hope you get a New Year's Eve date.

 

Haha well let's bring my ex to the table then!! haha Let me go get him...There is always two sides to a story and unfortunately on here, we only here one side.

 

Yes, I did sleep with a guy once before when my ex and I were broken up for 2 months. I hadn't slept with anyone for about a month and a half during the break up and then I went on a dating site, met this "well-endowed" man and slept with him.

 

It was fun, but it wasn't like my ex which in the end made me miss him more and put me back at square one. Now that I've talked about it on here and memories have resurfaced, I realized I shouldn't do that again until I'm fully healed.

 

But at that time in the breakup, I really considered it over for my ex and I, as he made that very clear. And yes, I loved him, but that doesn't mean I should remain celibate for the rest of my life! I didn't sleep with another guy to spite him, I slept with another guy because it just happened.

 

Can you clarify "take one more ride on the carousal" please?

[EuTuBrute]

BlessYourCottonSocks... I had a one night stand when me and my ex broke up... It just made me miss my ex more, in fact the whole time i wished it was her. Dont do it...

[Zoe Lilith]

My point was; don't be bothered by nasty comments, analyze them..take whatever you like from it, process it, think rationally and make your own decisions. I'm 100% sure you will be fine before you know it.