MoveAlong Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 It's been nearly 8 weeks of NC since the BU. I want to reach out. I understand the deal with NC, but I would be very disappointed with myself if I never made an attempt. I don't want to live with that regret. Previous threads detail my BU, but basically, 3 year relationship, ended due to combination of going LDR and GIGS. Maybe I do need to touch the stove to know that it burns. Is there any appropriate length of time for reaching out?
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 U can reach out whenever u like the choice is yours but just make sure before u do that its definitely the right thing and u will be able to cope with a bad outcome should that happen.. I would sleep on it as by the morning u may feel differently x Or write a message now but dont send it... u may find it just helps to write it down that seems to help me x Dont rush into anything x 1
TylerDurdenn Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 You'll be wasting your time, you're thinking about someone that just isn't there anymore. 6
strive Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 My advice is to NEVER BREAK NC. However, some people feel that it's a need. That it makes their healing quicker. They break NC to test themselves or to put the final nail in the coffin so to speak. If you're one of those people who really need to do it to move on, then you should go for it. Especially if it's the only thing that's stopping you from healing. There's no appropriate timeframe for that. But beware that the likelihood of you not liking what will happen is very VERY high. It's almost a very sure thing that you'll get hurt and hate yourself for doing it. Personally I would never do something so masochistic. But for some people it really works, so it's really up to you. 1
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 It's been nearly 8 weeks of NC since the BU. I want to reach out. I understand the deal with NC, but I would be very disappointed with myself if I never made an attempt. I don't want to live with that regret. Previous threads detail my BU, but basically, 3 year relationship, ended due to combination of going LDR and GIGS. Maybe I do need to touch the stove to know that it burns. Is there any appropriate length of time for reaching out? I would give anything to be at 8 weeks of NC. That's a long time. Don't ruin that!! You'd have to start all over. Think of all the progress you've made. I think you would regret it more by breaking NC than staying NC. Breakup ended because you two weren't meant to be. It's that simple. 3
Haydn Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Trust me it burns. A lot! It's been nearly 8 weeks of NC since the BU. I want to reach out. I understand the deal with NC, but I would be very disappointed with myself if I never made an attempt. I don't want to live with that regret. Previous threads detail my BU, but basically, 3 year relationship, ended due to combination of going LDR and GIGS. Maybe I do need to touch the stove to know that it burns. Is there any appropriate length of time for reaching out? 1
Author MoveAlong Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 Thanks for the quick replies! I'm still in love with her; even if she is no longer the same person, I would like to try again. I can accept the aftermath...I don't think I would end up back at square 1. I'm not in great shape but I am okay. I may be in her area in the next week so i was thinking about seeing if she would want to meet up for coffee. I don't know. I just don't want to regret anything.
veggirl Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 So...are you thinking that she secretly wants to get back together or something but is just not contacting you to tell you that? I mean honestly, what do you think contacting her will accomplish? Do you think you will change her mind and convince her to want to be with you? Please think hard about this. 2
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Thanks for the quick replies! I'm still in love with her; even if she is no longer the same person, I would like to try again. I can accept the aftermath...I don't think I would end up back at square 1. I'm not in great shape but I am okay. I may be in her area in the next week so i was thinking about seeing if she would want to meet up for coffee. I don't know. I just don't want to regret anything. Okay. We gave you the advice and you are thinking with your heart right now. So just do it. If it's something you will regret later, then get it out of your system. I'm not gonna try to persuade you otherwise. I think you are pretty set on your decision and I don't blame you for that and we will be here for you after (whatever happens). Just do what you gotta do. You know her better than any of us. I really wish you the best and I hope you get what you want. Keep us updated. No matter what, we will be here. 1
TaraMaiden Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Thanks for the quick replies! I'm still in love with her; ..... I may be in her area in the next week so i was thinking about seeing if she would want to meet up for coffee. I don't know. I just don't want to regret anything. Do this - and you certainly will. The time to 'touch base' again is when seeing her on the arm of her fiancé leaves you indifferent. While you still have feelings for her, you are deliberately spiking your heart with a skewer and putting it on the rotisserie.... Basically, what you're saying to her is: 'Our break-up left me feeling flayed alive: here, have this whip and do it again.....' No, no and again, three times: No. 8
Author MoveAlong Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 BlessYourCottonSocks, I know that 8 weeks is a long time, and that is exactly why I want to reach out. Break ups may happen for a reason, but people get back together for a reason too. I'm not suggesting that I try to convince her to get back together. I can see why breaking NC is a bad idea since it's a set back and she didn't initiate any substantial contact. I'll probably wait till after the new year anyways. I just want to hear some more opinions. I guess I could use more time to pull myself together anyways.
Author MoveAlong Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 You guys are right. I'm not being reasonable. I want to contact her in hopes that maybe a conversation will remind her of me. It's stupid. I had a few days of feeling like I need to take some action. I felt that enough time had passed. Why not reach out? But I guess nothing would really be accomplished. This sucks so much.
TaraMaiden Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 BlessYourCottonSocks, I know that 8 weeks is a long time, and that is exactly why I want to reach out. Break ups may happen for a reason, but people get back together for a reason too. Yes. It's generally because they BOTH realise breaking up was a bad idea. When only one person believes it was a bad idea - and that person is the dumpee - then no amount of 'reason' will convince a dumper they were wrong. If anything it will merely serve to entrench their opinion that they were right. I'm not suggesting that I try to convince her to get back together. I can see why breaking NC is a bad idea since it's a set back and she didn't initiate any substantial contact. Why would this be, do you think? I'll probably wait till after the new year anyways. I just want to hear some more opinions. I guess I could use more time to pull myself together anyways. Great idea - if that's New Year 2015, that is. Any closer, and you're still grasping at straws. NO contact. None. Zilch. Nada. Zero. Period. FOR - GOOD. You really need to 'get' this. Read the link in my signature...... 1
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 BlessYourCottonSocks, I know that 8 weeks is a long time, and that is exactly why I want to reach out. Break ups may happen for a reason, but people get back together for a reason too. I'm not suggesting that I try to convince her to get back together. I can see why breaking NC is a bad idea since it's a set back and she didn't initiate any substantial contact. I'll probably wait till after the new year anyways. I just want to hear some more opinions. I guess I could use more time to pull myself together anyways. Then I don't understand what you are trying to do because you still have feelings for her and you won't be able to just be friends? I completely understand how it feels to come a long way and get that sudden urge to reach out! It's exciting and scary at the same time because you wonder what will happen because enough time has passed to make your mind think something might have changed. But it really hasn't. You think that time has changed things and you are "ready" now. But you're not. I just would hate to see this turn the other way and you go back to square one. You can reach out, you can do whatever you want, but at least give yourself time before you jump in. Just think about it for awhile. She will always be there to text when you finally decide that's what you need to do. But just give it some time before you do. Weigh all options and write a list of pro's and con's and expectations. I'm talking, wait another month. Just remember that whatever is on your plate got there because you said yes to it.
Author MoveAlong Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 TaraMaiden: I've read those posts before! It must be time to renew my vows lol. I'll read them over again. I can't argue with your reasoning since I think the same things, and agree with you. Thank you. I needed to hear this. BlessYourCottonSocks: I'm in that moment of weakness where I want to reach out. You are right. I guess I knew it was a bad idea but I needed you guys to tell me so. I would be calling with little to no purpose. That wouldn't help me at all.
mirage12 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 TaraMaiden: I've read those posts before! It must be time to renew my vows lol. I'll read them over again. I can't argue with your reasoning since I think the same things, and agree with you. Thank you. I needed to hear this. BlessYourCottonSocks: I'm in that moment of weakness where I want to reach out. You are right. I guess I knew it was a bad idea but I needed you guys to tell me so. I would be calling with little to no purpose. That wouldn't help me at all. I understand how you are feeling exactly. I needed to do the same thing...and I did, last night in fact. Sent a final text, nothing desperate or whiney but saying I missed her/wanted to see her and wanted to know if that was something she wanted to. I know she read it because I could see the iMessage receipt, but she never replied. Yes, it hurt, yes it also probably set me back a little. But I needed to do it - not for her, not for us, but for myself. My expectations were nothing - I didn't really have any hope anything would come out of it and in fact, I sent it right before I was meeting up with another girl on a date. If anything, it was the nail in the coffin for me that I needed. It killed that last bit of hope I had...and although it hurts bad, it was what I needed. I needed to be able to tell myself that I tried ONE MORE TIME...and it wasn't meant to be. Now I can move on, because I know with absolute certainty there's nothing else for me to do. There's nothing else left - I deleted her number for good. So yes, it may hurt, in fact it'll probably hurt if you do it. But if you're prepared to deal with that pain and you need to do it to be able to move on, you should. Just be prepared for what's likely to happen. 4
BlessYourCottonSocks Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 I understand how you are feeling exactly. I needed to do the same thing...and I did, last night in fact. Sent a final text, nothing desperate or whiney but saying I missed her/wanted to see her and wanted to know if that was something she wanted to. I know she read it because I could see the iMessage receipt, but she never replied. Yes, it hurt, yes it also probably set me back a little. But I needed to do it - not for her, not for us, but for myself. My expectations were nothing - I didn't really have any hope anything would come out of it and in fact, I sent it right before I was meeting up with another girl on a date. If anything, it was the nail in the coffin for me that I needed. It killed that last bit of hope I had...and although it hurts bad, it was what I needed. I needed to be able to tell myself that I tried ONE MORE TIME...and it wasn't meant to be. Now I can move on, because I know with absolute certainty there's nothing else for me to do. There's nothing else left - I deleted her number for good. So yes, it may hurt, in fact it'll probably hurt if you do it. But if you're prepared to deal with that pain and you need to do it to be able to move on, you should. Just be prepared for what's likely to happen. In this case, it's a good thing. You needed to know that you did everything you could and now you can move on and heal knowing there is nothing left to do. I can understand this completely. But only after some time has passed.
Peter55 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Hey movealong, I'm going through the same thing. It's been around two months since the break up for me also. It's hard but you have to focus 100% on yourself. Get that confidence back. Build it and they will come!!! Trust me focus on yourself!! If you were to contact her now you would look weak! Sorry if that sounds mean but it's true. She left you right? Also, if for some crazy reason you get back together is it because she feels guilt? She would probably still have doubts and maybe leave you again in a year. She needs to come back on her own!!! When she is 110% sure and she is ready to go through hell to get you. I keep telling myself she was not the one, she is not the one. It's working for me. Good luck! 1
Kermit76 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 This thread really hit me today. I texted my ex 2.5 months later from a 2 year relationship and got a cold and uncompassionate ex in return. Felt in my heart it was something I needed to do. It definitely hurt and set me back. But I agree it was my final straw and I tried my best to make a mends. I tried my very best in the relationship and after the BU and there is no fight in me anymore. I will put my effort towards someone who appreciates me and move on and never look back. I do think in unique situations the dumpee needs to do what's in his or her heart to find closure. Do agree at least after 60 days of no NC from either end. Gives it time for each person to get some perspective. Also, in my case my ex dumped me once before and I was the one to reach out weeks later to suggest getting back together. We did. Also, my ex has a big ego and told me even if she wanted to get back together she wouldn't do anything about it. So, I had those factors in my mind when I texted her after it ended again. With hope I was hoping she changed her mind. I was wrong. Dead wrong. Finding LS has been such a great learning tool for me. I feel better with the next relationship I'm in. I will be a more educated bf if a BU ever happens again. Thanks to everyone for their input and experiences.
Author MoveAlong Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 Hearing from you guys makes me feel alot better even though nothing has really changed. I thought about it, and decided that I should hold off on contacting her. Like many of you, I would like to take a final stand, and make that last effort. It's something I need to do so that I can move on. On the other hand, there is no sense in testing the waters. If she wants to return one day, she will. There is no need to rush anything since it would result in nothing good. I just don't want to look back and regret anything. I'm also worried that if I don't do something, I'll continue to hang onto that tiny bit of hope. Yikes, I really need to let go.
ks0985 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Honestly unless she makes contact with you i would refrain. She probably thinks of it like Jeez what to i have to do to get rid of this guy. Probably gets a good laugh out of it with her friends. Pretty good chance at some point she makes contact with you but by then you will probably be moved on. Stay NC keep yourself busy and move forward
FortunateSon Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 I am in the same boat. My ex of 6 months recently texted me a "happy memories" text and said she was seeking closure. I had been moving forward fairly well but this set me back a bit. Since I am already set back from that, I would really like to put it all on the table and ask if she wants to give everything another chance? We have not seen each other for 6 months or even spoken. I figure I need to re-heal again, why not put it out there while things are still fresh? I fully realize I will likely not hear what I want to, but I at least feel it would put an end to any hope either way and actually help move forward again. Any advice or thoughts?
TaraMaiden Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Bleah..... You know the answer already, really - don't you? I'm going to put this out there, and risk getting my head bitten off, but trends seem to be reversing.... For the major part, it's guys who are finding it hard to move on and get over relationship break-ups. Conversely, women have toughened up and really, they now seem to have the upper hand when it comes to 'growing a pair' and leaving the broken crud behind. It seems that now, the women are "cads" and the men are the "lovelorn spurned sweethearts".... 2
Haydn Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Yep i`ll buy that. And i did. Bleah..... You know the answer already, really - don't you? I'm going to put this out there, and risk getting my head bitten off, but trends seem to be reversing.... For the major part, it's guys who are finding it hard to move on and get over relationship break-ups. Conversely, women have toughened up and really, they now seem to have the upper hand when it comes to 'growing a pair' and leaving the broken crud behind. It seems that now, the women are "cads" and the men are the "lovelorn spurned sweethearts"....
FortunateSon Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 To be honest, my reason for wanting to put everything on the table is selfish...just like her texting me. The finality of the answer I expect would hurt, but help me move forward. If she was to be open to reconciling it would be a bonus that I would take seriously. Is there any reason I shouldn't?
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