Three months later, I cannot deal with any of this. Why am I not over my ex?

[falxmanolo]

You are right, I suppose it's also a lot to do with my personality. I always need 100% clarity on everything I do and the lack of makes me very restless and anxious. I study a course at college that is very detail oriented and all these unanswered questions and behaviour from my ex is making me a total wreck. I just have this desperate need to know WHY and if I meant anything at all to him. But I know you're right, waiting for him to apologise is just never going to happen.

Can I talk myself through it? Should I tell myself he's sorry? Do you see the total block in communication has made me so restless. I am FINE with breaking up had he just treated me like a human..sigh here i go again. Thank uou for your kindness, i hope things get better for you too!

[r321148]

I know the feeling. I got no closure either. I have my theories but I know I will never get a real explanation of why she ended things when it was all going so well. We did break semi-amicably though and she did have the grace to do it in person even though I didn't want it, so I sympathise that he treated you so badly.

 

I think you need to stop asking why. In the grand scheme of everything the why doesn't matter. It's finished and that's what matters...life goes on and you have to move with it. Look at yourself and analyse....I think you'll realise that you didn't do anything wrong, have confidence in that and move past it.

 

As for whether you meant anything to him...yes you did. You were in his life and an important part of it. Whether he admits to it or not he will feel something. Maybe not now but one day he will. I guarantee it as its human nature no matter who we are. You can't be in someones life that closely and not have an impact.

I wouldn't take how he acts on the outside to be the true either. It's a little different and she finished with me but honestly if my ex spoke to my friends or had a way of checking on my life she'd probably think I didn't miss her. I go out, I joined sports teams, I got a new job, I have new friends....but I still hurt on the inside. She still comes into my dreams and I still miss her beside me at night. Just because someone seems to be doing well doesn't show what is really in their head.

 

You need to increase your confidence in yourself. You seem like a good person and there is definitely someone out there who you deserve. This guy wasn't right for you but he's moved aside so that the right one can take his place.

 

Good luck

[BC1980]

8 months later, and I still cannot tell you why we broke up. The closest I ever came to an apology was him saying, "I'm sorry you are hurting." The best advice here is to put no more energy into him. Detach from him by diverting your thoughts immediately. Think about your future.

[BC1980]

You are right, I suppose it's also a lot to do with my personality. I always need 100% clarity on everything I do and the lack of makes me very restless and anxious. I study a course at college that is very detail oriented and all these unanswered questions and behaviour from my ex is making me a total wreck. I just have this desperate need to know WHY and if I meant anything at all to him. But I know you're right, waiting for him to apologise is just never going to happen.

Can I talk myself through it? Should I tell myself he's sorry? Do you see the total block in communication has made me so restless. I am FINE with breaking up had he just treated me like a human..sigh here i go again. Thank uou for your kindness, i hope things get better for you too!

 

I think you will find that understanding a person's motivations is a fool's errand. You will never know WHY, just like we don't know shy innocent children get cancer. We are hard wired with a need to make sense of everything. Don't put energy into it.

[strive]

"How could I mean so little to him"

 

I read your entire thread again and seeing how many times this phrase (and its variants) come up is actually quite disturbing. It says so much about how you tie your worth with his opinion. Can't you see what he did to you? What he's still doing to you?

 

Don't let ANYBODY define your worth as a person, least of all him.

 

YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!!

 

And you'll never see it unless you pull off the cover that's blinding you. Why are you still depressed, in pain, and unable to move on? Because you aren't allowing yourself to see him for what he really is: an manipulative douchebag, *******, moron, and a dick.

 

Let go. Seriously. He's not even worth the fraction of energy and time you're spending on him. Who the **** cares if he's out and about partying all day everyday? Can't you do the same? You can? Then why aren't you? You can't? Why the hell not?!?

 

Nobody is stopping you from healing but you. I'm sorry if this is all harsh, but you need to snap out of it. A lot of people on this thread gave you great advice. Listen to them.

 

And ffs, if your friends can't shut up about him, dump them all and get better friends.

 

Remember: You are worth so much more. You deserve so much more.

[falxmanolo]

"How could I mean so little to him"

 

I read your entire thread again and seeing how many times this phrase (and its variants) come up is actually quite disturbing. It says so much about how you tie your worth with his opinion. Can't you see what he did to you? What he's still doing to you?

 

Don't let ANYBODY define your worth as a person, least of all him.

 

YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!!

 

And you'll never see it unless you pull off the cover that's blinding you. Why are you still depressed, in pain, and unable to move on? Because you aren't allowing yourself to see him for what he really is: an manipulative douchebag, *******, moron, and a dick.

 

Let go. Seriously. He's not even worth the fraction of energy and time you're spending on him. Who the **** cares if he's out and about partying all day everyday? Can't you do the same? You can? Then why aren't you? You can't? Why the hell not?!?

 

Nobody is stopping you from healing but you. I'm sorry if this is all harsh, but you need to snap out of it. A lot of people on this thread gave you great advice. Listen to them.

 

And ffs, if your friends can't shut up about him, dump them all and get better friends.

 

Remember: You are worth so much more. You deserve so much more.

 

You sound so much like my best friend

But you're right, every bit of it. Honestly reading it made me tear up a bit because I know I can be a much better person and I don't know why I'm acting like such a broken hearted creature. But you're right, I'm overly idealising him and perhaps why I can't see his flaws. I think my self esteem is hurt to the point that I feel like if HE (a lame lazy selfish moron) could dump me then perhaps I will never get anyone better? But I feel so bad because I loved him SO much. I know I need to work on my self esteem and confidence again. I've joined these spiritual classes that combine the work of different religions to give perspective on life and I'm hoping to find my true self.

I've never been a boisterous person, although my friends tell me I'm attractive it's his loss etc, I just can't accept it I know I'm such a moron

BUT I will take your advice seriously, into effect immediately. It's his loss. It's over. He maybe a nice person or not but what he did to me was HORRIFIC. And I deserve better. Yes. We deserve nothing but the best.

[falxmanolo]

He still has my things. I've sent him roughly 20 emails in the past four months last one being two weeks ago (NC since then) and he just has not bothered sending my things! Seriously what is the rationale behind this ridiculous attitude? Any advice on how I can approach this?

[BC1980]

He still has my things. I've sent him roughly 20 emails in the past four months last one being two weeks ago (NC since then) and he just has not bothered sending my things! Seriously what is the rationale behind this ridiculous attitude? Any advice on how I can approach this?

 

Are they things you really want back? Can you live without them?

 

It's rude that he hasn't returned them. I honestly don't know how to tell you to go about getting them. He's being a d&ck on purpose. Would he respond to a third party?

[falxmanolo]

Are they things you really want back? Can you live without them?

 

It's rude that he hasn't returned them. I honestly don't know how to tell you to go about getting them. He's being a d&ck on purpose. Would he respond to a third party?

 

It's my hard-disk full of photos from my childhood and teenage...I don't know, I thought I could live without it but it's mine..it is precious to me. And why must he have it? For some reason although I'm sure it's not the case, I feel like him having my things is like him having control over me. What if one day he decides to return it? I'm just too much of a perfectionist, when it's over I literally want no strings attached, which is why I packed his things beautifully and had his best friend drive it down to him. Do you see what I mean? I just want nothing to do with him. I've ordered a new sim card (yayyy!) which is due to come next week and emotionally I have a few bad days but I'm finding it easier to distract myself from the negativity, so I think I am on the path to healing, I just don't want anything to ruin it.

I emailed him saying I do not anticipate a reply, I just want you to please handover my belongings to my friend xyz who has kindly accepted to bring it to me. And my friend said he'll call the ex up and pick it up for me. And in the past I've asked my friends and his friends to please ask him to return my things but it's not had any effect on him. I'm starting to believe he is very fond of my childhood photos Jokes apart, this behaviour is so strange and stressful! He shall not have any power over my feelings. I also found a cool way to block somebody who's blocked you on Facebook so that even on the occasion he unblocks me, he will not be able to contact me and i'm changing my number next week! yayy!! never thought I'd actually take these steps..I know, I'm desperate to move on lol!

[falxmanolo]

Guys I take one step forward and then something has to go wrong.

 

So my friend texted ex if he wants to meet up and ex reluctantly agreed and then friend proceeds to say hey can you also bring her stuff with you? And then ex gets pissed and stops replying and says he can't meet anymore.

 

This makes me SO sad and angry at the same time!

Neither has he had the decency to post it nor can he be bothered to give it to my friend?! IS THERE ANY WAY FORWARD? Any way JUST ANY WAY I can get my belongings back?

[flightplan]

Any way JUST ANY WAY I can get my belongings back?

 

Figure out when he's home... Get with a friend, ask the cops to escort you over there, have the friend go in and get what you need.

[falxmanolo]

Figure out when he's home... Get with a friend, ask the cops to escort you over there, have the friend go in and get what you need.

 

I don't know where he lives exactly! He moved houses!!! And also that's a bit too drastic an approach for me I think

[falxmanolo]

Okay okay!! Good news guys!!!

He just emailed me saying he doesn't wish to involve a randomer (um my friend introduced me to the ex) and he's promised to post my things on Monday and then he said happy new year.

 

Me being me I have issues with Royal Mail. They lost two of my Christmas cards so I'm obviously a bit skeptical but I'm not expressing it to the ex. Now fingers crossed it actually comes and it'll be wonderful because that'll mean I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM!!! Yayyy!!!

[strive]

That's great news!

 

I know the feeling of the ex still having control of part of your life. My kid and I still live in a flat his family owns and I've been wanting to move for three months but it's not easy since the school year isn't over yet.

 

Anyway, I hope your ex follows through on his promise so you can finally FINALLY erase him from your life.

 

Oh and I think those spiritual groups are great. I have a friend who swears by them. I've been wanting to try them and I'm trying to find one that fits me.

[falxmanolo]

That's great news!

 

I know the feeling of the ex still having control of part of your life. My kid and I still live in a flat his family owns and I've been wanting to move for three months but it's not easy since the school year isn't over yet.

 

Anyway, I hope your ex follows through on his promise so you can finally FINALLY erase him from your life.

 

Oh and I think those spiritual groups are great. I have a friend who swears by them. I've been wanting to try them and I'm trying to find one that fits me.

 

Hi..I thought of you today for some reason. I hope you're okay.. I just wanted to let you know that he never sent me my things and he was an outright prick to my friend about giving my things. So basically I haven't got my things! And I highly doubt I ever will.. but the good news is, I don't want it anymore. He is just synonymous with PAIN. The kind of emotional, tearing pain in your chest.. and I don't want my things from him. I don't want anything from him. Not even an apology for treating me like dirt, I just don't want anything. And I hope at some point you will finally stop letting your ex have any power over you.. they're not worth it? is this what love is? this is FUXKED UP! This is NOT love! I'm not the fairytale and prince charming kinda girl but this is not love!! This is not how you treat people.. your ex is a fool! who throws away true love?! in this society where divorce rates are greater than marriage rates.. why would anybody treat or do this to people who love them?!? This is CRUEL! I hate myself for ever meeting him..and for making a fool out of myself begging and pleading him for closure, this is overrated crap!! You seem like a very strong person and I really hope you find someone who respects you as a human. I am a year younger than my ex, how on earth am I meant to be anymore emotionally mature to cope with the horrendous things he said to me?! I hope you're feeling alright, stay brave for your child..you know you deserve the best. Thanks for all your advice all along, I hope you have a beautiful life ahead..

[falxmanolo]

I just found out my ex had cheated on me... with a barmaid.. it feels like day 1 of the break up again.. I just don't know what to do... should I confront the ex? I feel so bad.. like my heart's broken into a million pieces again.. just when I was getting my life back together.. I don't know what to do.. what can I do? please someone help me

[Lifegoezon]

Absolutely not. No point whatsoever in confronting him. He always knew the truth. Now you do too. Telling him you know means nothing to anyone. Repeat after me: it doesn't matter. It's finished. Over. He doesn't care if you know or not. Don't let him continue to control what you feel and what you do. He's history. The end.

[Itspointless]

From what I read he is not worth the attention and validation a confrontation will give him, so no. You will be better again soon, as this only reinforces the image you already had of him: see your previous post.