Three months later, I cannot deal with any of this. Why am I not over my ex?

December 20, 2013

Hello everybody.

I am an outright mess. I am 21 and my boyfriend(now ex) broke up with me in September through facebook citing how we were incompatible and we would never work out. We had been dating for a year and a half until the break up. I am still at university and he graduated and started a new job in September.

The week leading to the break up, my ex was away training in a remote area and we barely spoke. The only message he sent me was "I need to talk to you, I have been thinking about the person I've become and it's genuinely not nice". That's all. The weekend he sent me a message on facebook saying it's not working out and we are over. I was naturally taken aback and cut contact with him completely. The same week, my ex texted me asking if he could borrow some money to buy a new phone (he started a fancy job and needed a smartphone to network etc) and I cannot say no to anybody hence I agreed to send him the money and buy him the phone. The next week I realised, he essentially got the new phone to change numbers and he cut contact with me?! I was so hurt! I felt like he just used me for the money!

The following weeks to months are a blur. I lost 8 kilos, screwed up academically, constantly whined and begged him to give me closure and naturally he did not care. He told me he cannot I cannot handle emotional rejection but that's not his problem. I absolutely embarrassed myself. I became this person I do not remotely relate to myself. Eventually he blocked me on Facebook. And since then there's been no contact.

I have no sense of closure and I am finding it so difficult to move on. I've done everything I can- started working out regularly, seeing other guys casually, doing things I always wanted to do but I feel so lost and empty. Was I actually such a horrible person that he chose to dump me on facebook? Not even a phone call? And what's with changing numbers? This really kills me. I am so hurt and I feel so empty. My ex described to me how he came from a very broken family and hence I always felt the need to make him feel like the most special guy on earth. I went out of my way, always surprised him with his favourite things for birthday/valentine's day/anniversary/Christmas. I am not a romantic person but this guy was so different, he meant the world to me. I would starve myself for weeks to save money to buy him presents. And on an emotional level, I always encouraged him to apply to fancy jobs and study well. I don't know what I've done so horrible to him for him to brutally dump me?

I do understand relationships end and it's fine, but why on earth do I still feel so dead? He literally has no regrets or care! He's out enjoying himself with his new job and new friends and of course A NEW GIRL! I feel so stupid! That's just the word! I feel stupid when a guy treats me with so much respect, I think to myself why my ex treated me like I meant NOTHING. Why is it so difficult to move on? How can he move on so easily and just cut me from his life? I wasn't just his girlfriend, I was his best friend! I am shattered..emotionally I feel dead and fake. Walking around like a zombie pretending to be happy when deep inside I am dead. I cannot remember the last time I haven't cried at least once a day in the past three months. I have become this sad crazy person which is not me. I miss waking up from bed unbearably happy-that is me! I am the happiest person on earth normally. Why is it too much to ask for closure? I did seek professional help, unfortunately I'm on wait list for counselling. Besides I am certain there are people who have more real problems than I do.

Please can someone help me? Please can I know how you guys moved on? It's been three months. And i'm 21 for crying out loud, how can I be so attached to someone who literally shut me off their life one fine day? Will I ever move on? Will I ever find closure? Will me ex realise the damage he's caused? He wasn't even apologetic! I respect his decision to break up but breaking up over facebook..he's 22 not 12! Makes me wonder if I or the relationship meant anything at all. Please can you guys help me? I really want to start living life again. I want to believe in myself and love again. I want to be happy again.

December 20, 2013

l understand completely. Unfortunately you will never get the closure you are seeking. He doesn't want to deal with the guilt. No matter what for his selfish reasons, he choose this path and he doesn't want to face what he did so he hid behind his computer to breakup. lm sure if you look deep down inside your relationship, you will see that he wasn't all that he was cracked up to be. You don't see it know but it there is better things coming your way. There is no fast track through the pain, grief him, but please know that you wont get closure from him. this will keep you stuck in this place and not help you with moving on.

All the best to you and reach out to the LS family, we are here to help

December 20, 2013

l understand completely. Unfortunately you will never get the closure you are seeking. He doesn't want to deal with the guilt. No matter what for his selfish reasons, he choose this path and he doesn't want to face what he did so he hid behind his computer to breakup. lm sure if you look deep down inside your relationship, you will see that he wasn't all that he was cracked up to be. You don't see it know but it there is better things coming your way. There is no fast track through the pain, grief him, but please know that you wont get closure from him. this will keep you stuck in this place and not help you with moving on.

All the best to you and reach out to the LS family, we are here to help

You are so kind.. thank you. At this point you are right, I cannot think straight and I feel like everything is doomed. But I do hope your words come true and I'll start being optimistic again. Thank you!

December 20, 2013

First of all, closure comes from yourself and never from your dumper. A lot of people beg and cry for closure, but almost nobody ever gets it because they're seeking a specific answer or words from their dumpers, but they always end up disappointed. Your dumper will never EVER say the right thing or act the way you want them to, so asking for closure is like asking to be rejected again.

Something that I've come to notice here in LS is that a lot of people start their path to true healing once they reach the anger stage. It's because they're starting to/feel the need to disconnect from their exes. Maybe when you reach that stage, it'll all be easier for you.

With all the horrible things he did to you (the phone thing was a serious wtf when I read it), how are you not angry with him?

Just know that you CAN and WILL get over him. One day you'll look back at this post and laugh or probably smack yourself for ever thinking/feeling these things.

December 20, 2013

you dodged a bullet, your ex is not a man, he dumps you on FB, asks you for money that he doesnt intend to repay, tells you that you are emotionally insecure, etc, etc. Trust me on this, he will come back once you have moved on. After you are over him and he's been dumped he will remember all the nice things you did for him, how you made him feel special and he will be kicking himself in the back.

Trust me, i am twice your age, I have been in his shoes. I had this girl wrapped around my finger, this girl would have done everything for me, she cried and cried when I dumped her. I enjoyed partying, meeting other chics and when I started getting rejected I tried coming back to her. She met someone else by then and I chased her for over 2 years. I was 20 years old at the time.

Concentrate on your school work, go out with other guys and change your number that way he can't contact you when (and it will happen) he decides to come back.

You are 21,what you felt for this insecure fool was puppy love, it will all become clear in due time. If you don't believe what I am saying read some of the stories here.

December 20, 2013

First of all, closure comes from yourself and never from your dumper. A lot of people beg and cry for closure, but almost nobody ever gets it because they're seeking a specific answer or words from their dumpers, but they always end up disappointed. Your dumper will never EVER say the right thing or act the way you want them to, so asking for closure is like asking to be rejected again.

Something that I've come to notice here in LS is that a lot of people start their path to true healing once they reach the anger stage. It's because they're starting to/feel the need to disconnect from their exes. Maybe when you reach that stage, it'll all be easier for you.

With all the horrible things he did to you (the phone thing was a serious wtf when I read it), how are you not angry with him?

Just know that you CAN and WILL get over him. One day you'll look back at this post and laugh or probably smack yourself for ever thinking/feeling these things.

This was very insightful thank you. And you're right, begging him for closure just meant hearing him say I'm a psycho ex and that just hurt me even more.

I don't know how I'm not angry with him, I don't hold grudges against anybody..I can't be angry with anybody for more than ten seconds. I was disappointed and hurt more than angry. I was angry at one point but really I just wanted him to apologise for ending things so disgracefully I know we would've probably not worked out but it's just that I felt like I gave him so much and he just didn't value it from the way he dumped me.

I don't know..I am usually such an optimistic person..I cannot handle so much negativity. I don't understand why HE has blocked me on facebook. I mean, he hurt me! I do not understand why he's acting like I hurt him?

I'm sorry it's just that I have so many questions to which neither I nor anybody has answers for, but I do appreciate your input, thank you!

December 20, 2013

you dodged a bullet, your ex is not a man, he dumps you on FB, asks you for money that he doesnt intend to repay, tells you that you are emotionally insecure, etc, etc. Trust me on this, he will come back once you have moved on. After you are over him and he's been dumped he will remember all the nice things you did for him, how you made him feel special and he will be kicking himself in the back.

Trust me, i am twice your age, I have been in his shoes. I had this girl wrapped around my finger, this girl would have done everything for me, she cried and cried when I dumped her. I enjoyed partying, meeting other chics and when I started getting rejected I tried coming back to her. She met someone else by then and I chased her for over 2 years. I was 20 years old at the time.

Concentrate on your school work, go out with other guys and change your number that way he can't contact you when (and it will happen) he decides to come back.

You are 21,what you felt for this insecure fool was puppy love, it will all become clear in due time. If you don't believe what I am saying read some of the stories here.

Thank you very much. I am so glad to get such honest views. I was wondering, is it mean to change my number? I mean he's a moron and he did it but I've been contemplating changing my number too just so that I can totally move on with the idea that he can never come back to my life..but for some reason it feels petty. What are your thoughts?

December 20, 2013

How do you know he is out having a good time?

Are you 100% no contact?

December 20, 2013

And yes changing your number is not petty but sane

December 20, 2013

How do you know he is out having a good time?

Are you 100% no contact?

This is very lame but a common friend sent me a photo of my ex (my ex has put on a lot of weight recently so my friend found it funny -.-) at a party wearing this tie I bought him for his birthday. And another at another party etc. And he's been making new year plans on facebook with his colleagues..seriously last year, he turned up for new years eve at half past two at my place.

But you're right I don't know if he's having fun, but he's showed no signs of even being sorry for ending it so badly. Given a chance, I wouldn't want to be with him again, I just wanted to be treated with respect and I do not understand what I did wrong to be treated so poorly.

No it has not been 100% no contact. I was forwarding a case report to my friend Jane on gmail last friday and my ex's name begins with J and I accidentally sent it to him! Gmail suggests the most emailed person first and the way it works for our college email is that our email ID begins with our initials followed by numbers and jane and my ex have the same initials My ex replied to that saying "um what" and I got so angry and I sent him one of those sad dramatic emails. Since then, i just apologised for being dramatic and said good bye. Phew.. I really hate this.

December 20, 2013

Until you commit to full no contact you will not get better.

No looking him up online.

Remove his gmail address.

No "accidental" contact.

Tell your friends and coworkers not to share with you any information regarding him at all.

You need to be selfish.

Trust me I have been there. I'm there now as a matter of fact.

December 20, 2013

Until you commit to full no contact you will not get better.

No looking him up online.
Remove his gmail address.
No "accidental" contact.
Tell your friends and coworkers not to share with you any information regarding him at all.

You need to be selfish.

Trust me I have been there. I'm there now as a matter of fact.

deleted him from gmail. It felt kinda bad. How are you coping with it? It's so difficult for me. I keep thinking how on earth he gets a good night's sleep and lives life like nothing's wrong. Perhaps nothing's wrong for him but it's cruel how he still has my things and despite asking for it hundreds of times, he hasn't bothered sending it or emailing me back saying he would send it or whatever. But yeah now I don't want those things anymore. Also, are deleting his friends from facebook a silly thing to do? Funnily he doesn't talk to his best friend anymore and I deleted his sister after much contemplation (felt so good).

December 20, 2013

If they aren't good friends of yours, then delete them. If they are but still hang out with him, send them a message explaining you need time to heal and don't want to risk seeing him and then remove them.

I wish I could tell you "how" I was coping. I had to change everything up. Got a new phone, seat covers for my car to make it feel new, and found a select few friends to lean on when things got hard.

Trust me, contact can do you no good. Four days ago I found out my ex had gotten married to the man she started dating after me, two and a half months after breaking it off with me. It did give a certain sense of finality but it is still hard to deal with, because four months ago I was planning for her to take my last name.

Find someone you can talk to. That will help a lot.

December 20, 2013

If they aren't good friends of yours, then delete them. If they are but still hang out with him, send them a message explaining you need time to heal and don't want to risk seeing him and then remove them.

I wish I could tell you "how" I was coping. I had to change everything up. Got a new phone, seat covers for my car to make it feel new, and found a select few friends to lean on when things got hard.

Trust me, contact can do you no good. Four days ago I found out my ex had gotten married to the man she started dating after me, two and a half months after breaking it off with me. It did give a certain sense of finality but it is still hard to deal with, because four months ago I was planning for her to take my last name.

Find someone you can talk to. That will help a lot.

I am so sorry to hear that but in all fairness that sounds very drastic. Although i'm more of "let's hope for the best" kinda person, I highly doubt a marriage from such a quick relationship would last. I am sorry about how you feel though. You will find somebody who loves you absolutely unconditionally for exactly what you are! You're one step closer to that!

December 20, 2013

I can relate to this completely. I was friends with my ex for about a year and I never got any closure whatsoever. Quite the opposite. I was strung along. Heck we hung out and spent time more then we ever did in the relationship. I truly thought we were going to get back together but then she found someone else and that's when I went NC. It's been a month since complete NC and I still don't have closure. The key is to give yourself some closure and not beat yourself up every time a depressing thought comes your way. Be keen on not being mean. Just talk to your family and close friends, avoid badmouthing and just state facts. Don't distract yourself per se, you need to work through your emotions so you can move on. Work on you.

December 20, 2013

I am so sorry to hear that but in all fairness that sounds very drastic. Although i'm more of "let's hope for the best" kinda person, I highly doubt a marriage from such a quick relationship would last. I am sorry about how you feel though. You will find somebody who loves you absolutely unconditionally for exactly what you are! You're one step closer to that!

The same goes for you. Hang in there

December 21, 2013

I can relate to this completely. I was friends with my ex for about a year and I never got any closure whatsoever. Quite the opposite. I was strung along. Heck we hung out and spent time more then we ever did in the relationship. I truly thought we were going to get back together but then she found someone else and that's when I went NC. It's been a month since complete NC and I still don't have closure. The key is to give yourself some closure and not beat yourself up every time a depressing thought comes your way. Be keen on not being mean. Just talk to your family and close friends, avoid badmouthing and just state facts. Don't distract yourself per se, you need to work through your emotions so you can move on. Work on you.

Thank you..may I ask why you chose to be friends with your ex? I simply cannot imagine being friends with my ex perhaps even 10 years down the line because I cannot relate to him. I feel so stupid. Why does it hurt so much? And it's only me! He seems to be having the time of his life. And it's like I never even existed? How can he cut me off from his life but still use things and wear things I bought him? Doesn't it have memories attached to it? My best friend had to come over to help me pack away the things he got me. And when I sent him a Dropbox full of photos from his surprise birthday party, he made one of the photos his profile picture??? So he doesn't give a crap about the girl who did all that for him but he shamelessly goes about acting like I never existed? It feels do unfair and I feel like a whiny kid but I don't know what wrong I did to him for him to be SO horrible

December 21, 2013

A mutual friend just told me that she's seen photos of him partying. I am actually angry right now. I've cried myself to sleep for the past three months and this ******* parties every single day like I meant NOTHING. I just told my mutual friend to please never tell me what he's up to. He was a bad dream and I'm going to get over him. I treated him with so much love and care, which is why I can't understand why he dumped me so abruptly on frickin facebook!

But now I am going to make a conscious effort. If morons like him can hurt people and lead them on and STILL be happy as hell then I don't see why I shouldn't. Enough is enough. Thank you guys for being supportive but I am so disgusted right now I just want to forget him. Not even distance from him but just forget him forever. Whatever. I am angry. So angry and I hate being this angry. I'm going to cry a little bit and then go for a run. You guys are amazing and I hope you guys find the love you most deserve!

December 30, 2013

Still hurting so bad.. It's so strange how his best friends are my best friends..how could he?

How could you? I stood by your side like a moron, I wanted the best for you. I would be OKAY with breaking up had you just respected me a little more. I loved you you moron! Was I not even worth a phone call? Do you even know how demoralising it is?! To love somebody so much and then dump you on FACEBOOK for crying out loud!!

I've had really good week but I'm completely breaking down today, how on earth do you sleep so well every night after doing this to the girl who loved you unconditionally! How do you carry the wallet everyday? How did you not feel the tie strangling you at the office party? How did you feel when your new girl complimented the perfume I got you?

How could you be so mean! You just had to man up and break up dammit! You could've done so much better. Why am I going through this **** for loving you when you don't have a care in the world and you're out there having the time of your life???

I don't like you! And what you did was HORRIBLE! But if you believe what you did and the way you did it was right then so be it!!!

I'm moving on! I'm going on a date with this guy I find interesting. And I'm going to give myself a chance of happiness. I hope the best four your stupid self! Go prosper and all that.

Edited December 30, 2013 by falxmanolo

December 30, 2013

I'm so sorry for your pain because I truly understand. My ex strung me along with fake promises. Yet, I still love him. It makes no sense, but I have to remind myself everyday of what he did to me. I keep reminding myself that I should never be with someone so cruel. We will get through this, but it's going to take some time. Just go hardcore NC. It's the only way. My ex wanted friendship, and I stupidly agreed in the hopes he would come back. Pathetic I know.

December 30, 2013

I'm so sorry for your pain because I truly understand. My ex strung me along with fake promises. Yet, I still love him. It makes no sense, but I have to remind myself everyday of what he did to me. I keep reminding myself that I should never be with someone so cruel. We will get through this, but it's going to take some time. Just go hardcore NC. It's the only way. My ex wanted friendship, and I stupidly agreed in the hopes he would come back. Pathetic I know.

Thank you so much..in all this pain the only comforting thing is to know that it does happen to others too. Isn't it ridiculous? The people who you thought would never hurt you end up screwing you over?? What's more pathetic is that I still give two shots about him! I care if he's alive. All those cruel things he said keep ringing in my head. And I'm usually a very confident person and I feel myself crumbling being insecure. I read this quote today "the way people treat you is a reflection of what they are rather than what you are". I found immense comfort in that quote because for a very long time (about three months I blamed myself and believed I deserved what he did and that I was a rubbish girlfriend. But really the truth is I couldn't accept the fact that HE would dump ME on frickin facebook after a year and a half. It took him a week and a new job and new city to dump the girl who even gave his pathetic self the confidence to apply to fancy jobs. Ugh this negativity is consuming!

I am so proud of you for sticking through this, the fact that we are alive and well is a sign that better things are one step closer to happening. If dumb asses like my loser ex and your ex can be oh so happy I do not see why we must be upset. We are one step closer to being a greater person. Thank you so much, I've found so much kindness in this forum it's so reassuring. I do hope the best for you! You know you deserve nothing but the best!

January 2, 2014

It's me again guys..

I really want him to apologise. That's all. I want him to admit he could've treated me with more respect. I know it'll never happen but I also know of my hurt ego has been apologised to, it'll become less angry. I just want SOME sense of regret over hurting me. I just want some stupid validation that I didn't do anything so wrong for him to treat me the way he did. Why did he cut me from his life? How can I make myself believe I deserved better? such a bad day..such a bad day..

January 2, 2014

How could I mean so little to him that he thought it wAs okay to break up with me on facebook and then change numbers and block me on facebook. Of he's so guilty how about manning up and just saying listen sorry I don't feel the way I used to or whatever.

It's so demoralising to think what you firmly believed in practically never existed. So cruel, I would never wish it upon the meanest person on earth. And what's worse is how he screwed up and he's so happy and I'm still miserable. I want this cloud of misery to just go! I've had enough! Please just go! I just want my life back

January 2, 2014

Can't really give you advice on how to stop hurting as I'm still hurting too.

You need to stop blaming yourself though. You seem to need reassurance from him that you did nothing wrong...from what you've written you have done nothing wrong. Have confidence in that and start to realise that it's his loss. Realise your own worth and value. You need and deserve someone who can love you as much as you love them.

This guy isn't worth your time and energy...you have better things to work on. Go do things that make you feel better. Join a club, learn a language, get a haircut, treat yourself something nice, climb a mountain...do whatever you want to do. Enjoy things and shift the focus away from him and onto you.

You are looking for closure and an apology but I do doubt that you'll ever get that. I think that says more about him than you though. Close the book yourself. It's over, he's lost out and you will find someone you deserve and who deserves you.

Good luck

January 2, 2014

You are right, I suppose it's also a lot to do with my personality. I always need 100% clarity on everything I do and the lack of makes me very restless and anxious. I study a course at college that is very detail oriented and all these unanswered questions and behaviour from my ex is making me a total wreck. I just have this desperate need to know WHY and if I meant anything at all to him. But I know you're right, waiting for him to apologise is just never going to happen.

Can I talk myself through it? Should I tell myself he's sorry? Do you see the total block in communication has made me so restless. I am FINE with breaking up had he just treated me like a human..sigh here i go again. Thank uou for your kindness, i hope things get better for you too!

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Three months later, I cannot deal with any of this. Why am I not over my ex?

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