Cautionary Tale

[Snipercatt]

Hopefully, the WS makes his/her choices based on what his/her authentic self desires.

 

Consider all the different "feelings" I've had over the years, I'm glad I didn't act on many of them.

 

Life is about more than feelings. In fact, as we think so too, we feel. Thoughts are controllable. There are higher callings than feelings, many times and controlling our urges because we feel a certain way isn't a bad thing and it doesn't make us disengenuous. Authentic means we fulfill our commitments, or renegotiate them before we dishonor them. To behave differently than we have commited to is evidence of bad character.

 

We can honor our feelings without choosing to act without integrity.

[whichwayisup]

How can you do this to someone you claimed to love, and cherish?

You're still in that mindset that those feelings are still there. They are gone! Feelings change. In the past it may have been that way but your A is over and he's moved on, went NC on you and it seems you're the one who still has warm and fuzzy feelings for him. This is your issue not his. He's over it, I really hope you do all that you can to get over him and never ever reach out to him again.

 

 

Before everyone attacks me, we were best friends before the affair. I miss my friend.

 

So you miss him, but everything changed once you crossed the lines and had an A. that innocent and platonic part disappeared when the A started. That is gone forever. Please start accepting this, stop living in the past. you two are not best friends, or even friends anymore.

 

Sorry that i'm being harsh, just would hate to hear that you continued along this way (both if you slip and email or try to see him and also hang onto what you feel for him) and end up in jail.

[liloldlady]

 

One must ask, why does the WS stray? Was it because something was missing in the marriage?

 

LOL, my guy just likes having 2 girlfriends (shrug). I am not interested in wondering if I'm doing some things she can/does not. I don't care about her. I care about making him happy.

[liloldlady]

Wow, this is a sad and harsh reality for some people in affairs.

 

You don't have to be in an affair to stalk your ex boyfriend and email him regularly when you believe he blocked you (and for good reason). That can happen in traditional boyfriend/girlfriend, ex wife/ex husband, heterosexual, gay...you name it.

 

If I may ask, what was the reasoning behind sending so many emails to him?

 

Obsession.

[liloldlady]

The WS chooses the things he/she does. Hopefully, the WS makes his/her choices based on what his/her authentic self desires. In doing this, WS will be honest and do the right things out if his/her love and respect for the partner that WS feels is right for him/her.

 

Right, and it's not like some WSs aren't in situations with BSs with shady pasts, themselves, so everyone is getting what they deserve in some cases.

[liloldlady]

 

DO NOT bother going to yell at him

 

Unless she wants to get arrested. OP sounds volatile.

[happy stillmore]

I believe WS with avoidant personalities are not able to work on issues because they are afraid of conflict. They leave others to do their dirty work because they are too afraid or brave enough to stand up to others. This type of WS will never leave a miserable marriage because they are not capable of making changes in their lives. They stay with what they know, no matter if they are happy or not. They stay because they are afraid to cause trouble with anyone. This type of WS are like children because they can't face issues. They lie to get what they want. Often, these WS live in fear of living their lives the way the way they truly want.

 

 

If these WS are too cowardly to admit to their wives they are not happy and resort to deception, what makes you think they would have the courage to make such a life-changing jump like ending their marriage? Simple.

 

 

I totally agree with you btw. "The man must take full responsibility for his indiscretion."

[experiencethedevine]

I believe WS with avoidant personalities are not able to work on issues because they are afraid of conflict. They leave others to do their dirty work because they are too afraid or brave enough to stand up to others. This type of WS will never leave a miserable marriage because they are not capable of making changes in their lives. They stay with what they know, no matter if they are happy or not. They stay because they are afraid to cause trouble with anyone. This type of WS are like children because they can't face issues. They lie to get what they want. Often, these WS live in fear of living their lives the way the way they truly want.

 

 

If these WS are too cowardly to admit to their wives they are not happy and resort to deception, what makes you think they would have the courage to make such a life-changing jump like ending their marriage? Simple.

 

 

I totally agree with you btw. "The man must take full responsibility for his indiscretion."

 

 

 

 

Most men are conflict avoidant within their relationships with women. It is a less effective strategy for women.

[happy stillmore]

Snipercat,

 

 

"Authentic means we fulfill our commitments, or renegotiate them before we dishonor them."

 

To me, to be authentic means being true to oneself. If you are not happy or in love with your spouse or partner, you tell them. You move onto allowing yourself to one day find the person that does make you happy. To be authentic takes courage because you sometimes have to do things that can hurt others feelings. Nobody likes to hurt others or tell them they do not love him/her anymore. It is hard but living an honest life but is worth it. In the end, everyone can live their lives the way they should be lived. To live a life only to satisfy others is not living authentically. It is not truly living.

[WakingUp]

Well, I cant see how you can be thrown in jail on the basis of some non threatening emails.

 

Particularly when you have been consciously avoiding being in the same location as him. That is not stalking!

 

I am still quite sure that a cease and desist letter is simply that, a letter, drafted by a lawyer for a fee.

 

So, it is sad that it came to this, but really, I wouldn't take it too personally.

 

Your friend is gone. He is where he is, for whatever reason, and the best thing you can do is walk away with your head held high.

 

The fact remains... he is married. He cheated. With friends like these, who needs enemies?

 

Just walk. Closure isn't coming.

 

But, I do appreciate that you have put this out there as a cautionary tale. Just more evidence that affairs make everybody crazy.

[threelaurels]

If a WS says he is love with his spouse, there should be no threat if contact is made. I don't get it. The AP does not have special powers over the WS. My personal thoughts are that deep down, all parties know there often were/are real feelings between the WS/AP. (Why would they have been looking for something outside of their marriage? A connection possibly?) The BS is afraid of these feelings. The WS will break off contact to be transparent to their wife and show their faithfulness.

 

The flaw in your logic is that it is possible to love and be in love with more than one person. When we enter relationships, our attraction and feelings towards others don't necessarily switch off. Some people are just naturally polyamorous when it comes to attraction and the ability to love others. The fact that the WS loves the AP doesn't negate the love the WS also feels for the BS, and vice versa. Most people don't go "looking" for affairs; rather, affairs are often the product of a gradual progression in which crossing minor boundaries turns into crossing major ones. They are usually friendships that end up spiraling out of control.

 

Most WS really do want both the AP and the BS. The BS, however, doesn't have to live with that arrangement. Any contact from the AP runs the risk of the A starting up again, and the BS has every right to request that preventative measures be taken to stop that from happening because the marriage was founded under the pretense of monogamy.

[Iguanna]

When push comes to shove, he turns tail and runs back to his wife. He doesn't want the other woman on a permanent basis or he would have left his wife for her. He would leave his marriage if it is so terribly unsatisfactory, everyone knows that.

 

Yes, its all been heard before, money, family, house, blah blah blah.....but they mean little if one is utterly miserable, yes?

 

Not necessarily. There are men who have indeed left their wife cause they were truly unhappy with her, other men who stayed with her cause they loved her more, other more that stayed with her cause they didn't want to hurt her so they put themselves last, some others who left both of them and so on. There are many stories, various results. More frequently though you are right, the man stays with his wife cause he indeed loves her more and he understands that an affair isn't worth it enough to destroy his family. Or he is not that satisfied (and I guess nobody is perfectly satisfied ever) but they choose to stay for what you said, family, house, money. Some people stay even when they are miserable cause they are scared of the unknown.

 

When it all blows up, why would his wife NOT be watchful of him?? She is protecting herself from further injury in the early months while SHE decides if he is worth keeping.

 

But the question is, does the man obey to his wife's demands cause he has truly understood that he hurt her and he has regretted and wants to make things right or is he just pretending to calm her down? How can you be sure? Isn't it better that you let him free and see what he does rather than threaten him "I'm watching you...." all the time?

 

Of course his wife had something to do with the letter sent to the OP, and so she should, upset or not that is her right under the circumstances. Her husband might be a wimp, but if he stands next to her when such an event takes place (regardless of whether you think he's been coerced into it) and supports and upholds a decision such as this, obviously he is making a conscious choice, and in which case that should be explanation enough that they do not want any interference from the other woman at all while they are working on their marriage.

 

Or he just goes with the flow and pretends to obey and support his wife so he keeps her pleased - for now. What will happen when the wife feels he is trustworthy again? Will he use this freedom wisely or will he do the same things again? And if he is to start again, isn't it better that the wife has given him the freedom to do it before she invests again in this marriage and gets hurt again?

[experiencethedevine]

Snipercat,

 

 

"Authentic means we fulfill our commitments, or renegotiate them before we dishonor them."

 

To me, to be authentic means being true to oneself. If you are not happy or in love with your spouse or partner, you tell them. You move onto allowing yourself to one day find the person that does make you happy. To be authentic takes courage because you sometimes have to do things that can hurt others feelings. Nobody likes to hurt others or tell them they do not love him/her anymore. It is hard but living an honest life but is worth it. In the end, everyone can live their lives the way they should be lived. To live a life only to satisfy others is not living authentically. It is not truly living.

 

 

Such lofty idealism is admirable, and would save humanity in its entirety would it not?

 

 

However, if this was reality, then there would be no need for these threads simply by virtue of everyone being so blatantly authentic that marriages would be made/dissolved/remade without the need for external validation from an other woman/man.

[threelaurels]

The flaw in your logic is that it is possible to love and be in love with more than one person. When we enter relationships, our attraction and feelings towards others don't necessarily switch off. Some people are just naturally polyamorous when it comes to attraction and the ability to love others. The fact that the WS loves the AP doesn't negate the love the WS also feels for the BS, and vice versa. Most people don't go "looking" for affairs; rather, affairs are often the product of a gradual progression in which crossing minor boundaries turns into crossing major ones. They are usually friendships that end up spiraling out of control.

 

Most WS really do want both the AP and the BS. The BS, however, doesn't have to live with that arrangement. Any contact from the AP runs the risk of the A starting up again, and the BS has every right to request that preventative measures be taken to stop that from happening because the marriage was founded under the pretense of monogamy.

 

For the record, I loved and was in love with both my ex and my OM. My relationship with my ex, however, was doomed for other reasons. So, I left him and eventually ended up with my OM, who I am still with today. I chose the man I wanted more, as well as the man who would be better off for me in the long run

[happy stillmore]

If everyone lived authentically, marriages would be made/dissolved/remade honestly. Everyone would be free to find their own happiness. No external validation would be needed to fulfill what was lacking in a marriage he/she is obligated to.

[WakingUp]

 

However, if this was reality, then there would be no need for these threads simply by virtue of everyone being so blatantly authentic that marriages would be made/dissolved/remade without the need for external validation from an other woman/man.

 

Exactly. I think you are actually agreeing by making this statement.

[Snipercatt]

yes, it appears that we have come to agreemant.

[experiencethedevine]

Exactly. I think you are actually agreeing by making this statement.

 

 

 

 

 

Enthusiastically! Even though it would probably mean I might have to retire early!

[AlwaysGrowing]

The main idea that is lost on me...in some of these posts is:

 

If a BS asks for certain things in the relationship..why are they then deemed...demanding..parenting....on a pedestal...not grown up.

 

When on the other hand....an AP or WS who is seeking a better/more comfortable relationship dynamics...they are being honest..and authentic?

 

Personally, I see no difference.

 

No matter what the relationship is...if one asks for changes..they are being authentic. The other party is free to give it ....or not.

[WakingUp]

The main idea that is lost on me...in some of these posts is:

 

If a BS asks for certain things in the relationship..why are they then deemed...demanding..parenting....on a pedestal...not grown up.

 

When on the other hand....an AP or WS who is seeking a better/more comfortable relationship dynamics...they are being honest..and authentic?

 

Personally, I see no difference.

 

No matter what the relationship is...if one asks for changes..they are being authentic. The other party is free to give it ....or not.

 

Fair enough.

 

However, my take on it is... that both the AP and BS are seeking authenticity.

 

It is whether the WS is being real is the question.

 

But who knows? And really, whether the WS are being real or not is their problem, frankly.

[whichwayisup]

However, my take on it is... that both the AP and BS are seeking authenticity.

 

Are you talking before or after dday? Because an AP knows what's what since she/he is having the A with the MM/MW. A BS isn't aware (before dday) so why would a BS question authenticity in her marriage?

[WakingUp]

After.

 

If a BS doesn't know, they wouldn't wonder about these things, I suppose.

 

In the context of the opening post, the BS knows, obviously.

 

I think we are digressing somewhat, anyway.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

What is stalking? While legal definitions of stalking vary from one jurisdiction to another, a good working definition of stalking is a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear.

Stalking is serious, often violent, and can escalate over time.

Some things stalkers do:

 

 

• Follow you and show up wherever you are.
  
• Send unwanted gifts, letters, cards, or e-mails.
  
• Damage your home, car, or other property.
  
• Monitor your phone calls or computer use.
  
• Use technology, like hidden cameras or global positioning systems (GPS), to track where you go.
  
• Drive by or hang out at your home, school, or work.
  
• Threaten to hurt you, your family, friends, or pets.
  
• Find out about you by using public records or online search services, hiring investigators, going through your garbage, or contacting friends, family, neighbors, or co-workers.
  
• Posting information or spreading rumors about you on the Internet, in a public place, or by word of mouth.
  
• Other actions that control, track, or frighten you.
  

If you asked someone to not contact you in any way, and they continued to send numerous emails to you, and showed no signs of stopping, even though you had asked them to stop, would that cause you to feel fear?

 

 

Might you start to look over your shoulder, wondering if they were following you?

 

 

Would it cause a "reasonable person" to feel fear?

 

 

More facts are needed and you would have to know what the law says about stalking in the original poster's jurisdiction. Make no mistake, though, the lawyer's letter is putting the original poster on notice that the emails are unwanted and "perceived" as stalking, no matter how they actually were intended.

[WakingUp]

Good grief.

 

My understanding is that this is the first OP has heard of regarding the emails even having been received.

 

And that they weren't threatening, she has avoided places where she might see him, etc.

 

I really do think its all getting a bit extreme in some of the responses here.