Cautionary Tale

[bellasue]

It's been a while since I have posted.

 

Just a cautionary tale for the OW on this site. Following NC with xmm, I emailed him regularly thinking I had been completely blocked. Also saw him twice, once immediately after dday, and once a few months later. In those meetings, he talked to me rationally for 15-20 minutes.

 

Last week, I got a cease and desist letter from a lawyer representing xMM. In it, he described me as a stalker (I know where he lives and works, and have not been near either in the last eight months), and someone who was threatening him. I was in shock when I received the letter. How can you do this to someone you claimed to love, and cherish?

 

I have gone out of my way to avoid places I know he will be......yes, I have emailed, but I really assumed that no one was reading them. And I never threatened anyone!

 

I would really like to go and yell at him, but obviously that would end up badly for me. I'm so pissed and regret the entire thing. What a lovely holiday gift!

 

Before everyone attacks me, we were best friends before the affair. I miss my friend.

 

Try to think rationally my friends.

[experiencethedevine]

It's been a while since I have posted.

 

Just a cautionary tale for the OW on this site. Following NC with xmm, I emailed him regularly thinking I had been completely blocked. Also saw him twice, once immediately after dday, and once a few months later. In those meetings, he talked to me rationally for 15-20 minutes.

 

Last week, I got a cease and desist letter from a lawyer representing xMM. In it, he described me as a stalker (I know where he lives and works, and have not been near either in the last eight months), and someone who was threatening him. I was in shock when I received the letter. How can you do this to someone you claimed to love, and cherish?

 

I have gone out of my way to avoid places I know he will be......yes, I have emailed, but I really assumed that no one was reading them. And I never threatened anyone!

 

I would really like to go and yell at him, but obviously that would end up badly for me. I'm so pissed and regret the entire thing. What a lovely holiday gift!

 

Before everyone attacks me, we were best friends before the affair. I miss my friend.

 

Try to think rationally my friends.

 

 

Not a nice way to begin the festivities I agree, but the fact is that you were supposed to be no contact. That, to most people would include ANY form of contact, whether you thought you were blocked or not.

 

 

I fail to understand what it was you thought you were achieving by sending emails, even if you considered they would not be read. There must have been something in that which offered you, what? The possibility that he 'might' read them?

 

 

If it was a form of venting for you, then you would have been wiser to keep them in your draft box and never send them.

 

 

I suspect it is likely that his wife has read every word you have written, and after discussion regarding an approach, this is the decision they have made to shut you out completely.

 

 

The fact is, he shouldn't have been in conversation with you at all.

 

 

I'm sure you are very cross and upset about it, and likely feel that this is unnecessary. Unfortunately it is necessary to the husband and wife in order to continue reconciliation. That can only successfully occur with hard work and absolutely NO contact whatsoever with the other woman.

 

 

Now that this has happened, perhaps you could vent your frustration with a close friend or your therapist and put it down to experience and hope that you are never in this situation again.

 

 

Don't be tempted to address this with the married man, it will backfire on you and end in more disaster.

 

 

Try not to let it ruin the festivities for you

Edited December 20, 2013 by experiencethedevine

[WakingUp]

Well, I wouldn't worry too much.

 

A cease and desist letter from a lawyer is probably pretty easy to obtain.

 

For a fee. Probably cheaper than a so called mental health professional.

 

A BS will get on a high and mighty self righteous pedestal, and good for them, if that is where they want to be. I suspect it was driven by her, and poor snivelling him just had to obey, obey, obey.

 

The emails may or may not have been read, just don't send any more. Which I am sure you wont.

 

You know the truth. Do not be beaten by this.

 

And... (((hugs)))

[yellowmaverick]

It's been a while since I have posted.

 

Just a cautionary tale for the OW on this site. Following NC with xmm, I emailed him regularly thinking I had been completely blocked. Also saw him twice, once immediately after dday, and once a few months later. In those meetings, he talked to me rationally for 15-20 minutes.

 

Last week, I got a cease and desist letter from a lawyer representing xMM. In it, he described me as a stalker (I know where he lives and works, and have not been near either in the last eight months), and someone who was threatening him. I was in shock when I received the letter. How can you do this to someone you claimed to love, and cherish?

 

I have gone out of my way to avoid places I know he will be......yes, I have emailed, but I really assumed that no one was reading them. And I never threatened anyone!

 

I would really like to go and yell at him, but obviously that would end up badly for me. I'm so pissed and regret the entire thing. What a lovely holiday gift!

 

Before everyone attacks me, we were best friends before the affair. I miss my friend.

 

Try to think rationally my friends.

 

How can he do this to someone he claimed "to live and cherish"? You KNEW that he could do that because he did even worse to his WIFE!!!!

[Ruffian1]

Why are you in NC? Did you or he initiate NC? Was it a mutual agreement??

[liloldlady]

Following NC with xmm, I emailed him regularly thinking I had been completely blocked.

 

Last week, I got a cease and desist letter from a lawyer representing xMM. In it, he described me as a stalker

 

Why would you email a blocked address? Why not write in a journal? Unwelcome emails are considered harassment.

 

......yes, I have emailed, but I really assumed that no one was reading them.

 

Thennnnn, what was the point?

 

I would not consider him your friend. A cease and desist letter is very serious business. Let this be your wake up call. Leave him alone and move forward as quickly as you can. How embarrassing.

[liloldlady]

 

I fail to understand what it was you thought you were achieving by sending emails, even if you considered they would not be read. There must have been something in that which offered you, what? The possibility that he 'might' read them?

 

Exactly. And why would someone block her in the first place? Clearly stating: I do not want email from you. Sending unwanted emails is harassment.

[happy stillmore]

Everyone on loveshack talks about NO CONTACT like it is a signed legal contract between two parties. Really, isn't it simply an understanding that two people have ended a relationship and are no longer. So, you wouldn't share your lives anymore. Let's be grown ups and act on the decisions we make. If a WS says he is love with his spouse, there should be no threat if contact is made. I don't get it. The AP does not have special powers over the WS. My personal thoughts are that deep down, all parties know there often were/are real feelings between the WS/AP. (Why would they have been looking for something outside of their marriage? A connection possibly?) The BS is afraid of these feelings. The WS will break off contact to be transparent to their wife and show their faithfulness.

 

In this case, you sent emails to vent your pain or hurt. It is great to write it all out. Not great to send them to that person. It is your attempt to figure out all out. Believe me! I once typed out my thoughts in a word document and it became 9 pages! I'm not sure how your relationship ended but if it ended abruptly with a D day, you were likely looking for answers or closure.

 

I would move on and not let this bother you. He is jumping through hoops like a dog at the circus to show his wife he is faithful. I would put it behind you and be glad that you are no longer with a man who is weak. He must be weak if he can't trust himself if you contact him. Enjoy the holidays.

[Snipercatt]

I think the spirit of the original poster is to "put herself" out there as an example of what can happen. I appreciate her courage in doing that, and in making herself vulnerable.

 

Thanks, Bella. I wish you speedy healing!

[thinkingofhim]

Well, I wouldn't worry too much.

 

A cease and desist letter from a lawyer is probably pretty easy to obtain.

 

For a fee. Probably cheaper than a so called mental health professional.

 

A BS will get on a high and mighty self righteous pedestal, and good for them, if that is where they want to be. I suspect it was driven by her, and poor snivelling him just had to obey, obey, obey.

 

The emails may or may not have been read, just don't send any more. Which I am sure you wont.

 

You know the truth. Do not be beaten by this.

 

And... (((hugs)))

 

I see this in a lot of threads and I don't think its healthy to think of MMs in general as being controlled by their W... the BS is a "dictator", or on a pedestal, forcing him to obey her, etc etc etc.

 

I realize it's hard and very painful to accept that someone we thought loved us either did not love us that much after all, or simply chose a different path. But, blaming the BS for MM not contacting, saying hurtful things, etc, is just not right and not helpful to healing. By blaming BS for somehow forcing MM to do things (as though he isn't a grown ass man or HE SHOULD BE,) we are excusing his actions and leaving the door open for more hurt in the future ("Well, he wouldn't have said/done those things or dumped me with no explanation if not for his mean BS MAKING him do it! I'll let him have one more round, this time it will be different.")

 

When people show you who they are, believe them...

[liloldlady]

Everyone on loveshack talks about NO CONTACT like it is a signed legal contract between two parties. Really, isn't it simply an understanding that two people have ended a relationship and are no longer.

 

I had a light bulb moment watching Hasani Pettiford on "Love Addiction" (network: TVOne, I think) when he said: "a break up is not an event, it's a process."

 

I would put it behind you and be glad that you are no longer with a man who is weak.

 

...as well as risk landing in jail.

[thinkingofhim]

Also to add, I understand the temptation but the emails were a bad idea, I know I would be very uncomfortable/angry if my X emailed me for months on end even if I did not respond. If hes trying to patch things up with BS I am sure the emails have been making it much more difficult and possibly triggering her repeatedly, which would make things that much more unpleasant and painful at home... really, no quicker way to make MM hate you than to make his BS blow up over and over.

 

If he has stuck to NC and is now getting an RO on you Im sure he has been doing it "by the book" and allowing her full access to everything so surely she reads those emails and probably the lawyer has them too, I believe if I were in his/her shoes, I would consider the emails harassing as well.

 

Good luck in your recovery Bella xx

[happy stillmore]

It is interesting. I also had a lightbulb moment too. I was thinking maybe you hit the nail on the head with your emails. Maybe you pointed out to him how much of a liar and coward he was to you and his wife. He did not like being reminded of his wrongdoings. He is going to move on and suppress the pain he caused. It is easier to do this. Then again, MM tend to take the easy way out. Have a relationship with another before doing the work on ending a marriage first. Just a thought.

[Popsicle]

OP, please stop all the contact. Forget about him. For your sake and his.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Bella - sorry you are dealing with this. I'm sure it makes you feel sick inside. It is truly upsetting when the person we thought we knew is truly someone else entirely, but unfortunately this is the nature of affairs.

 

 

I would imagine it is just that - a "threatening" letter from an attorney - and you can pay anyone to do that. I would guess the emails have been kept as "proof" over time and you can be assured the BS has read them all. I agree with the posters prior - this is the decision they came to together (whether it was driven by the BS or not) to try to put an end to it. It also doesn't mean anything unless they actually get an RO and if you haven't been in proximity of this man, then there is not real proof that that is needed.

 

 

When you go through a trauma such as this you try to figure out the whys and hows, etc. Sometimes putting it down on paper and even writing the AP is therapeutic and helpful to sort it all out. I did it too early on. We originally had a secret email account for a few months after Dday until his wife found out about that. It was limited contact for us, but it was a way for us to at least check in to see how the other was doing, but that had to end too. Anyway, I probably emailed more than he did. He was trying to restrain himself and not check it very often - sort of a "weaning" away I guess. I sometimes wonder if those emails I sent were kept. I hope not because I am a much different person now 4 years later and I would probably not recognize that woman that wrote those emails. But I was broken and hurt and I just wanted answers.

 

 

So I understand - but now that you have this "cease and desist" letter, just try to let it go. This is not a man you want in your life. Journal or come here and vent.

[experiencethedevine]

It is interesting. I also had a lightbulb moment too. I was thinking maybe you hit the nail on the head with your emails. Maybe you pointed out to him how much of a liar and coward he was to you and his wife. He did not like being reminded of his wrongdoings. He is going to move on and suppress the pain he caused. It is easier to do this. Then again, MM tend to take the easy way out. Have a relationship with another before doing the work on ending a marriage first. Just a thought.

 

 

One can say as many insidiously spiteful things as one likes, the facts are these:

 

 

Married man and other woman are both deceivers, like it or not. The only one, like it or not, who isn't, is the unsuspecting wife who has been unwittingly involved in an open marriage without her consent.

 

 

Sending emails to a man who is finished with you smacks of desperation. For the OP it has come back to bite her in the proverbial.

 

 

The sensible thing to do is just get on with it......................

[MissBee]

It's been a while since I have posted.

 

Just a cautionary tale for the OW on this site. Following NC with xmm, I emailed him regularly thinking I had been completely blocked. Also saw him twice, once immediately after dday, and once a few months later. In those meetings, he talked to me rationally for 15-20 minutes.

 

Last week, I got a cease and desist letter from a lawyer representing xMM. In it, he described me as a stalker (I know where he lives and works, and have not been near either in the last eight months), and someone who was threatening him. I was in shock when I received the letter. How can you do this to someone you claimed to love, and cherish?

I have gone out of my way to avoid places I know he will be......yes, I have emailed, but I really assumed that no one was reading them. And I never threatened anyone!

 

I would really like to go and yell at him, but obviously that would end up badly for me. I'm so pissed and regret the entire thing. What a lovely holiday gift!

 

Before everyone attacks me, we were best friends before the affair. I miss my friend.

 

Try to think rationally my friends.

 

Well to the bold: he's a married man who claimed to love and cherish his wife and probably declared this in front of many people and he had an affair behind her back, so it's not a stretch to then see how after claiming to now love his OW he could also do that. I don't mean to be trite, but the how could he in this case is easily answerable.

 

I'm sorry this happened though. I hope your anger/hurt subsides soon.

[Iguanna]

Let's be grown ups and act on the decisions we make. If a WS says he is love with his spouse, there should be no threat if contact is made. I don't get it. The AP does not have special powers over the WS.

 

I haven't experienced being in the hard position of BS luckily but I would like to ask these women who have been there without irony or any other "hidden" emotion: isn't it more worth it if a BS's husband decides to stay with her and decides not to have contact with OW by himself rather than the BS's threat? I think sometimes that I would be "happier" and more "satisfied" with my husband if OW did contact him after he had chosen to stay with me and he rejected her. I mean, isn't it better for the kid not to eat the chocolate cause it knows it's bad when the chocolate is in front of it instead of being hidden in the drawer? Some general food for thought.

 

As for the OP's matter: I'm sorry but I'm suspicious about this "I was sure he had blocked me so I sent him e-mails". I don't want you to feel attacked but I don't buy it. It's ok to say this to the lawyer or to him if you ever confront him, but to yourself and us here you can be honest and say that you had the hope he had unblocked you and he had received at least a couple of them. I'm just wondering, I'm not accusing you that this is the deal.

 

Either way you don't have much to do (I don't know exactly what this "cease and desist letter" means). Ignore it, realize that your story with MM is over and do something for your life. I can also say that maybe this is your wake up call to stop hoping for him and start caring about your life.

[happy stillmore]

It all comes down to whether the WS can be authentic with him/herself. What does he truly want? He/she should be where his heart wants to be. No more playing the role if they do not feel love for their partner (AP or BS). People should be honest with each other and not do things for the sake of showing devotion to the one they are obligingly committed to. They have to want to do the things they do out of love and respect for their partner. I would not want to be with a spouse who is doing things as a "show" for me. It would be fake. "Look at me. I love you." It would mean more if he did the things on his own initiative instead of me enforcing the rules.

 

 

We are all grown-ups. Oh yeah, the WS often are like children as they can't be adults and face issues before sneaking behind their spouses' back to get what they want. To get what they want, they lie to everyone, including AP about the state of their marriage.

 

 

True, AP do take part in the deception. It is not right and most regret the pain they cause. But, isn't the real problem between the husband and wife? The AP is not controlling the WS. The WS is choosing to do the things he does.

 

 

One must ask, why does the WS stray? Was it because something was missing in the marriage? Was it because the WS is just simply selfish and was bored? Sometimes the personalities of both married partners are not compatible. There are BS who devote their lives to their spouses. There are some BS who treat their spouse like crap. Each situation is different just as the involved parties are different. I'm just saying.

 

 

To answer the question, the WS has to want to end contact on his/her own or it is a relationship where the WS is being treated like a child under the watch of the BS. (which I find ironic. The inability of the WS to be an honest adult (child-like) and face the marital troubles before straying leads to WS being treated like a child).

[Snipercatt]

why does the WS stray?

 

Because they decide to.

 

 

I don't get it. The AP does not have special powers over the WS.

 

So true. Nor does the BS.

 

The responsibility for infidelity rests with those who choose it. One can choose to make choices and decisions with integrity, or not, but the responsibility for those decisions don't rest with the M, the BS, or the AP, but with the MP.

 

Human nature would like to blame our deficits on circumstances, or on others, but in reality the responsibility rests with us.

 

It is amusing that most of the accusations fly between the BS and the AP rather than with the MP. It's understandable, but still a head scratcher.

[happy stillmore]

The WS chooses the things he/she does. Hopefully, the WS makes his/her choices based on what his/her authentic self desires. In doing this, WS will be honest and do the right things out if his/her love and respect for the partner that WS feels is right for him/her.

[hurtnomorerika]

I feel for you, I really do.

 

Let it go, like another poster said maybe this is your wakeup call to realize that your "relationship" with xmm is over.Done.

 

It may feel as if he's left you miserable and your stilling longing for him, but he's not a prize and you CAN and you WILL get over him.

 

Do you really want someone who lies and cheats on wife and tells the OW he's in love with her only to drag the OW feelings in the dirt later down the line. I dont think you really do.

 

My x-mm called me a stalker only to protect himself and make the BS feel as if he wasnt doing anything. Thats what they do to pretend and fake.

 

Move on, YOU ARE BETTER OFF!

[sweet_pea]

Wow, this is a sad and harsh reality for some people in affairs. If I may ask, what was the reasoning behind sending so many emails to him?

[whichwayisup]

It's been a while since I have posted.

 

Just a cautionary tale for the OW on this site. Following NC with xmm, I emailed him regularly thinking I had been completely blocked. Also saw him twice, once immediately after dday, and once a few months later. In those meetings, he talked to me rationally for 15-20 minutes.

 

Last week, I got a cease and desist letter from a lawyer representing xMM. In it, he described me as a stalker (I know where he lives and works, and have not been near either in the last eight months), and someone who was threatening him. I was in shock when I received the letter. How can you do this to someone you claimed to love, and cherish?

 

I have gone out of my way to avoid places I know he will be......yes, I have emailed, but I really assumed that no one was reading them. And I never threatened anyone!

 

I would really like to go and yell at him, but obviously that would end up badly for me. I'm so pissed and regret the entire thing. What a lovely holiday gift!

 

Before everyone attacks me, we were best friends before the affair. I miss my friend.

 

Try to think rationally my friends.

 

I guess I don't understand why you'd even email him if you were supposed to be in NC mode. why keep emailing him? Why not just keep a journal? Sorry, but you must have known on some level (or hoped) that there was a chance he'd see the emails.

 

Painful lesson learned.

 

DO NOT bother going to yell at him, let it go. Get some counseling so you can let go of him in a healthy way and heal well.

[experiencethedevine]

It all comes down to whether the WS can be authentic with him/herself. What does he truly want? He/she should be where his heart wants to be. No more playing the role if they do not feel love for their partner (AP or BS). People should be honest with each other and not do things for the sake of showing devotion to the one they are obligingly committed to. They have to want to do the things they do out of love and respect for their partner. I would not want to be with a spouse who is doing things as a "show" for me. It would be fake. "Look at me. I love you." It would mean more if he did the things on his own initiative instead of me enforcing the rules.

 

 

We are all grown-ups. Oh yeah, the WS often are like children as they can't be adults and face issues before sneaking behind their spouses' back to get what they want. To get what they want, they lie to everyone, including AP about the state of their marriage.

 

 

True, AP do take part in the deception. It is not right and most regret the pain they cause. But, isn't the real problem between the husband and wife? The AP is not controlling the WS. The WS is choosing to do the things he does.

 

 

One must ask, why does the WS stray? Was it because something was missing in the marriage? Was it because the WS is just simply selfish and was bored? Sometimes the personalities of both married partners are not compatible. There are BS who devote their lives to their spouses. There are some BS who treat their spouse like crap. Each situation is different just as the involved parties are different. I'm just saying.

 

 

To answer the question, the WS has to want to end contact on his/her own or it is a relationship where the WS is being treated like a child under the watch of the BS. (which I find ironic. The inability of the WS to be an honest adult (child-like) and face the marital troubles before straying leads to WS being treated like a child).

 

 

 

 

What the man wanted was his wife and his other woman too. In other words he wanted it all without having to choose. He 'strays' as you put it, like a tom cat, because he CAN, whether there is something going on in the marriage that needs addressing is only relevant if he refuses to address it and 'strays' as a means of navigating the issue with self soothing.

 

 

Lets be perfectly frank here, the man must take full responsibility for his indiscretion, and by doing so face his demons and work on them.

 

When push comes to shove, he turns tail and runs back to his wife. He doesn't want the other woman on a permanent basis or he would have left his wife for her. He would leave his marriage if it is so terribly unsatisfactory, everyone knows that.

 

 

Yes, its all been heard before, money, family, house, blah blah blah.....but they mean little if one is utterly miserable, yes?

 

 

When it all blows up, why would his wife NOT be watchful of him?? She is protecting herself from further injury in the early months while SHE decides if he is worth keeping.

 

 

Of course his wife had something to do with the letter sent to the OP, and so she should, upset or not that is her right under the circumstances. Her husband might be a wimp, but if he stands next to her when such an event takes place (regardless of whether you think he's been coerced into it) and supports and upholds a decision such as this, obviously he is making a conscious choice, and in which case that should be explanation enough that they do not want any interference from the other woman at all while they are working on their marriage.