the time after MM and OW break up

[vanellope]

just a thinking here and want to hear your thought.

 

I get a impression that after MM and OW break up, mostly is the OW feel more sad and take more time to recover.

 

why is that?

I ask this question is becasue I want to be more rational and analysis why i am so sad now, and I might recover faster.

I was the OW and just broke up.

 

here is some of my thinking,

1. because after break up, MM is back to home, and put attension on how to rebuild the marriage but OW lose things to focus on herself.

2. MM have wife company by his side but OW is alone.

3. many affair is end because MM cannot give the commitment to OW, they do have choice to choose who he want to be with, wife or lover, but OW just can passive accept.

4. women is simply more emotional creature.

 

we always ask if MM after affair can love his wife again,

and here comes another question,

does the OW can fall in love with another person in future again?

which is easiler?

[happy stillmore]

If the MM is happy depends on whether the MM is authentic in really wanting to fix the marriage. Some MM stay in the marriage out of obligation. Thus, not really loving their wives with their full hearts. It is an empty marriage. They may even be yearning for the AP. They are not being true to themselves. Thus, not happy in my opinion.

[happy stillmore]

Most definitely! The OW can find love again! This time with a man who is free to love and not a cheater. You will wonder why you ever settled with a man who was willing to lie to you and his wife. You will also wonder why you settled for part-time love when you can get a real man who is authentic with his life and not cowardly sneaking behind his wife's back like a child like the xMM did.

[Amelia81]

When my A ended it broke me, I had never been so low in my life. But whilst my heart hurt I knew in my head that time would be a healer, there was someone else out there who is better for me and I actually believed I was in a better position than MM and his wife. I knew what happened wouldn't affect my new relationships but for them the A will always linger over them forever surely. So actually in the grand scheme of things I think we are so much better off than they are once the hurt has faded.

[Cinnimon]

I think it's fairly easier for the mm to step back into their lives after the affair ends as they already have an established relationship. In your case as the single OW you have your focus set on him. He has his wife, his home, his job, his family, his secrets and has to continue on acting like nothing has happened regardless of what has transpired. AND he just lost his confidant, his partner in crime so to speak, his escape so most likely he is either turned his full attention back to his norm or he is seeking another.

YOU, when you are free in your heart from him, will come out with an experience that will shape your future relationships, IMO, and i'm betting it will be for the good.

Hang in there, keep thinking, keep talking and posting, we care, we are here and we won't throw you under the bus and cast you out!!!

[OldRover]

I'll take the middle of the road....it all depends.....

 

If one was really unhappy with their M and wanted out, and the OW showed up a bit too soon, the man could be hurting as much or more as the OW. Who knows.

 

The OW would have no ties, no baggage to go back to and can start fresh... and there's some advantages to that.

[Journee]

I hope that no one lets an A define them for the rest of their lives. People break up and/or make up all the time. Circumstances vary.

 

Some participants might embrace the suck of it all into martyrdom but it doesn't have to be this way. I don't think any of it is easy for anyone.

 

I guess it all depends on the type of A. Not all involve deep love or sex. Not all are long term. Sometimes no plans of leaving the M are made or spoken about. Depending on these circumstances it seems like it could be very difficult for the MP to recommit to their M. We see WS still wrapped up in the how's and why's of it all on the boards.

 

People can and do recover from these situations all of the time. It's everywhere it seems. Life goes on for all involved and hopefully that life involves growth.

 

There is hope for all in the dynamic.

[Got it]

just a thinking here and want to hear your thought.

 

I get a impression that after MM and OW break up, mostly is the OW feel more sad and take more time to recover.

 

why is that?

I ask this question is becasue I want to be more rational and analysis why i am so sad now, and I might recover faster.

I was the OW and just broke up.

 

here is some of my thinking,

1. because after break up, MM is back to home, and put attension on how to rebuild the marriage but OW lose things to focus on herself.

2. MM have wife company by his side but OW is alone.

3. many affair is end because MM cannot give the commitment to OW, they do have choice to choose who he want to be with, wife or lover, but OW just can passive accept.

4. women is simply more emotional creature.

 

we always ask if MM after affair can love his wife again,

and here comes another question,

does the OW can fall in love with another person in future again?

which is easiler?

 

I think that because more women post there seems to be more women who might be mourning but I am not sure if that is true. For my experience, he was mourning our relationship as much as I was and realized how much he missed me in his life and how empty his life was without me.

 

So, in my experience it was pretty parable. We may show emotions differently but that doesn't mean the feelings aren't similar in intensity and frequency.

[vanellope]

I know time will heal thing and later when I look back I will feel this was just a memory that happened in my life.

 

for me, it's a deep scar on my heart. people always think its BS who hurt much, but i really dont think so. after this, they two are company each other go though it, but I am just alone, and no one care.

 

I can't open my heart again even I know there are many good men out there. I feel I still loyal to this married man, and this feelings killing me. I don't know why I am still like this.

 

I try to date others, but I just feel things is so fake, pretend smile on face and in fact heart is bleeding. there is a voice tell me why is me need to date others.

 

sometime I really think maybe I met him when I already married, maybe thing would not so bad now, because I would know better about what is responsibility.

we met each other when I 29, and have a long term boy friend going to be marry with, I reject a ring for him, because I believe love, but nothing true now.

[GreySkyMorning]

I don't think it was near as difficult for my xmm to get over our relationship for several reasons. Like you said, he has someone to throw his attention back into and what with hysterical bonding and whatnot, he seemed to do ok. I was only a small part of his life, while he was most of my life at the time. He was used to compartmentalizing me and our relationship. My life revolved around him. So, of course I felt the breakup more acutely. He even said afterwards that it was something that just got carried away, we just got "wrapped up". That one statement summed it all up for me. I wasn't wrapped up. I was in love and he meant everything to me.

 

But, you can recover. I know it seems impossible now to think about loving again. I felt like I was cheating on him for a long time. I'd go out on dates with single men and there's no way they could compare. I just stopped even thinking about other men. But in October, I met someone that I'd exchanged a couple emails with a couple months previously. We clicked. It just feels right. And soooo different. I never deserved the crumbs xmm threw my way to keep me around. I am so much better than that. So are you. This man now....wow... He's there for me, you know? I can count on him. I've met his friends. I've met his kids. He went to my sons Xmas concert and sat next to me holding my hand. Right out in the open! He's pretty cool. He has even met my exH, my mom, my brother. He lives a mile from my work. Tonight, I got a text: "I'm on my way to work. Want some coffee?" And he shows up at my job with coffee and a cookie for me. He respects me. He acts like he values me. I spent the night at his house the other day and his daughter and her boyfriend decided to put up a Xmas tree. I woke up a couple hours after we went to bed and went to the bathroom. When I came out, she was still in the living room decorating. I stopped and admired the tree with her, then went back to bed with him. I didn't have to hide a thing from anyone.

 

I am thankful I'm not xmm's bs. He and I spoke the other day and he told me about a fight they'd had a week earlier. She had accused him of cheating with another woman because he was paying attention to her in front of his wife. He told her that she needed to get over it, that if he was gonna be accused of cheating, he might as well do it. I can't imagine being a bs and being told that by my husband. I felt sorry for her. I was so jealous of her at one time. Now, I think I came out the lucky one. I have the opportunity to build a relationship with someone that has never hurt me like that, never betrayed me, never chose someone else over me. As long as she's with him, she'll never have that.

 

You'll make it, I promise. You deserve better than what he ever had to offer.

[vanellope]

for the exOW, if later on finding the love in your life, would you tell him that you did involve with married man before?

 

for me, I will.

because I feel that would be a really released.

[Popsicle]

I don't think it was near as difficult for my xmm to get over our relationship for several reasons. Like you said, he has someone to throw his attention back into and what with hysterical bonding and whatnot, he seemed to do ok. I was only a small part of his life, while he was most of my life at the time. He was used to compartmentalizing me and our relationship. My life revolved around him. So, of course I felt the breakup more acutely. He even said afterwards that it was something that just got carried away, we just got "wrapped up". That one statement summed it all up for me. I wasn't wrapped up. I was in love and he meant everything to me.

 

But, you can recover. I know it seems impossible now to think about loving again. I felt like I was cheating on him for a long time. I'd go out on dates with single men and there's no way they could compare. I just stopped even thinking about other men. But in October, I met someone that I'd exchanged a couple emails with a couple months previously. We clicked. It just feels right. And soooo different. I never deserved the crumbs xmm threw my way to keep me around. I am so much better than that. So are you. This man now....wow... He's there for me, you know? I can count on him. I've met his friends. I've met his kids. He went to my sons Xmas concert and sat next to me holding my hand. Right out in the open! He's pretty cool. He has even met my exH, my mom, my brother. He lives a mile from my work. Tonight, I got a text: "I'm on my way to work. Want some coffee?" And he shows up at my job with coffee and a cookie for me. He respects me. He acts like he values me. I spent the night at his house the other day and his daughter and her boyfriend decided to put up a Xmas tree. I woke up a couple hours after we went to bed and went to the bathroom. When I came out, she was still in the living room decorating. I stopped and admired the tree with her, then went back to bed with him. I didn't have to hide a thing from anyone.

 

I am thankful I'm not xmm's bs. He and I spoke the other day and he told me about a fight they'd had a week earlier. She had accused him of cheating with another woman because he was paying attention to her in front of his wife. He told her that she needed to get over it, that if he was gonna be accused of cheating, he might as well do it. I can't imagine being a bs and being told that by my husband. I felt sorry for her. I was so jealous of her at one time. Now, I think I came out the lucky one. I have the opportunity to build a relationship with someone that has never hurt me like that, never betrayed me, never chose someone else over me. As long as she's with him, she'll never have that.

 

You'll make it, I promise. You deserve better than what he ever had to offer.

 

Thank you so much for this post. It's really encouraging.

[WrinkledForehead]

for me, it's a deep scar on my heart. people always think its BS who hurt much, but i really dont think so. after this, they two are company each other go though it, but I am just alone, and no one care.

 

 

Unless one person in this equation is a true narcissist, everyone hurts. The BS suffers during the A by feeling the distance and coldness of her spouse, WS is often torn between long term love and commitment and being freshly in love and invigorated, and the AP is often alone, feels unworthy, etc. Post-A, everyone is still hurting. The M can take years to repair. It's not all daisies and one person cannot own the pain exclusive of the others. Pain is not something quantifiable.

 

IMHO, I believe your healing would be helped by owning your part in this. I've read several of your threads and it seems as if you like to shift blame to the two in the M, and prefer to think they are not hurting. You'd benefit from removin the tinted lenses you're viewing the situation through and taking a hard look at reality.

[vanellope]

yes everyone is hurt by this,

and thank you, I know I have narrow sight problem now, I avoid to admit my fault.

 

maybe its just I don't understand what is the meaning of marriage.

 

if my story happened when they are just girlfriend and boyfriend, did I still do the wrong thing?

 

I just feel I trust him too much, so thats why I am hurting now.

Edited December 21, 2013 by vanellope