GIGS Dumpee: Conditions for Reconciliation?

[NakedBlueberry]

Hello Loveshack,

 

Let me preface this by saying that stumbling across this forum has been the best thing for me following my breakup. Everyone here is full of friendly advice and all the posts I've read have helped me one way or another.

 

I'll try to keep my story relatively brief. My ex-girlfriend and I are both 19. We met freshman year of college and after a few months of fun, flirty hanging out, we started dating. People romanticize relationships after they're gone, but I've been in my fair share of them, and I can honestly say that our relationship was fantastic. We were compatible on every level, never had any problems with each other, and just had an exceedingly healthy relationship. We dated for nearly 9 months and it wasn't until a week before she broke up with me that I knew anything was wrong. She broke up with me about a month ago. Long after the breakup, I discovered the GIGS sticky here which frankly enlightened me and made everything a little easier to handle.

 

Things are never so black and white, but if I had to describe it, I would say that I encompassed/related to 90% of who she is, and I think her GIGS stems from that other 10%. This semester she met a guy at her workplace that is the poster boy for that 10% that I couldn't relate to. After getting to know him and perhaps subconsciously realizing that, over the weeks before the breakup, she said her romantic feelings for me simply dissipated. She has repeatedly assured me that I had nothing to do with it. I was dumbstruck then and still am a little bit, but everything that's transpired is word-for-word GIGS (great long-term relationship destroyed out of nowhere, even she doesn't know why) so I try not to dwell on it too much. Surprisingly I can say that I've been behaving myself in regards to the typical begging and just general heckling her about everything. I've been doing my best to leave her be, do things for myself, let her contact me if she wants, etc.

 

Now, to my questions. I come to you not to seek comfort and reassurance that it's not my fault. I've had enough to time to digest what's happened and come to terms with it, sucky as it is. I'm trying to find a balance between NC and LC. We go to school together and I've got classes with her so NC isn't really an option. By no means am I relying on the possibility of reconciliation, but post-breakup or not, she's truly a catch and I want to do whatever I can to give myself the best chance in the future, however far away that might be or if that's even what I'll want when the time comes. I already plan on keeping conversations brief, not hanging out/getting dinner/etc. like we used to, and just generally denying her the benefits of being good friends in the hope that it'll give her an environment in which she can think about things clearly. We are still on very good terms though, so I'm not sure how much contact is too much and if there's such a thing as too little. So I would love any general advice, but I'd also just like to ask: what can I do to best facilitate the possibility for reconciliation?

 

Also a more immediate question. We're both on break and live nowhere near each other. Her life back home isn't terribly eventful, she spends her days reading and just hanging around town/home. I don't criticize that because I appreciate that lifestyle, but I feel like this is a good opportunity to give her time to see what it's like 100% without me. Should I go completely NC for a couple weeks until school? If so, I will begin after we talk either tomorrow or the next day -- she said she'd like to talk about everything and this is the first time she's been the one to want to discuss it, so I'll hear her out and take things from there.

 

Thanks in advance!

Edited December 20, 2013 by NakedBlueberry

[oracle]

Kill the reconciliation idea. Do yourself that favour. I know its hard to let go of it, trust me I do.

 

But if her feelings dissipated at a whim once... they will again.

 

I was with my ex from 19, he left me 6 months in for about 2 months for a fling with a younger guy (GIGS) I took him back.

 

He turned it off again 13yrs later at a whim.

 

Trust me.. its so much easier now at 19 as opposed to 32 and then wasting 3.5 years of your life on a divorce and loosing big money

 

Hello Loveshack,

 

Let me preface this by saying that stumbling across this forum has been the best thing for me following my breakup. Everyone here is full of friendly advice and all the posts I've read have helped me one way or another.

 

I'll try to keep my story relatively brief. My ex-girlfriend and I are both 19. We met freshman year of college and after a few months of fun, flirty hanging out, we started dating. People romanticize relationships after they're gone, but I've been in my fair share of them, and I can honestly say that our relationship was fantastic. We were compatible on every level, never had any problems with each other, and just had an exceedingly healthy relationship. We dated for nearly 9 months and it wasn't until a week before she broke up with me that I knew anything was wrong. She broke up with me about a month ago. Long after the breakup, I discovered the GIGS sticky here which frankly enlightened me and made everything a little easier to handle.

 

Things are never so black and white, but if I had to describe it, I would say that I encompassed/related to 90% of who she is, and I think her GIGS stems from that other 10%. This semester she met a guy at her workplace that is the poster boy for that 10% that I couldn't relate to. After getting to know him and perhaps subconsciously realizing that, over the weeks before the breakup, she said her romantic feelings for me simply dissipated. She has repeatedly assured me that I had nothing to do with it. I was dumbstruck then and still am a little bit, but everything that's transpired is word-for-word GIGS (great long-term relationship destroyed out of nowhere, even she doesn't know why) so I try not to dwell on it too much. Surprisingly I can say that I've been behaving myself in regards to the typical begging and just general heckling her about everything. I've been doing my best to leave her be, do things for myself, let her contact me if she wants, etc.

 

Now, to my questions. I come to you not to seek comfort and reassurance that it's not my fault. I've had enough to time to digest what's happened and come to terms with it, sucky as it is. I'm trying to find a balance between NC and LC. We go to school together and I've got classes with her so NC isn't really an option. By no means am I relying on the possibility of reconciliation, but post-breakup or not, she's truly a catch and I want to do whatever I can to give myself the best chance in the future, however far away that might be or if that's even what I'll want when the time comes. I already plan on keeping conversations brief, not hanging out/getting dinner/etc. like we used to, and just generally denying her the benefits of being good friends in the hope that it'll give her an environment in which she can think about things clearly. We are still on very good terms though, so I'm not sure how much contact is too much and if there's such a thing as too little. So I would love any general advice, but I'd also just like to ask: what can I do to best facilitate the possibility for reconciliation?

 

Thanks in advance!

[headinthecloud]

Welcom to LS, Blueberry. I'm sorry this happened to you, this kind of BU is IMO the hardest because it means that while the two of you were clearly compatible and loved one another, there was no deep emotional connection to keep you bonded. Society, in general, is of the opinion that you don't need to settle down when your young (30 and under). People often advocate to "sow your wild oats" or "explore the world". So while you may feel strongly this girl was a great long term match for you, it sounds like she's not ready to settle down.*

 

In life, people come in and out of it for a purpose. And romantic relationships will have one of 3 purposes:

 

- a reason

- a season, and

- a lifetime.

 

Yours sounds like a season. A great experience meant to help you grow emotionally. This is why they say to be thankful for the experience because nothing alters the course of you life like a broken heart.

 

In terms of reconciliation, that depends on a lot of factors. One LS member shared her story of reconciliation which seems to be successful thus far, but as you'll see she went full NC for 10mos.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/415395-my-no-contact-story

 

She left you so there's really nothing you can do at the moment. That's why full NC is the only way to go. You need to drop completely off the face of the planet. Check the links in my signature, they are a good guide to help you deal with your BU.

 

Whatever you decide on your path know its the right one for you because it will teach you about yourself. But keep in mind that the advice members share here is wisdom from experience, so when they say breaking NC will cause you greater pain than gain it is because it's true 90% of the time. Ultimately, only you know what will work for you so do some deep introspection to determine the best path for you. My advice is go NC for at least 3mos and then see how you feel. And post here often, helping others in turn helps you too.

[headinthecloud]

Oracle knows what he's talking about...sound advice! Take heed.

 

Kill the reconciliation idea. Do yourself that favour. I know its hard to let go of it, trust me I do.

 

But if her feelings dissipated at a whim once... they will again.

 

I was with my ex from 19, he left me 6 months in for about 2 months for a fling with a younger guy (GIGS) I took him back.

 

He turned it off again 13yrs later at a whim.

 

Trust me.. its so much easier now at 19 as opposed to 32 and then wasting 3.5 years of your life on a divorce and loosing big money

[NakedBlueberry]

Thanks guys for the swift and wisdom-rich replies! Hearing others' experiences is always helpful, even though it's not necessarily what people want to hear. In the past I've reacted a lot more emotionally and irrationally, so this time around I'm really trying to be the most level-headed and mature in how I conduct myself. You're right in that the situation is pretty much completely out of my hands and it seems that the only choice I can make is NC. I'll keep all that you've said in mind as I think long and hard about all of this. My title was perhaps a little misleading; like I said in my original post, I'm not relying on reconciliation. No one can know for sure how things will go until they happen and while I'll heed what you all have said and continue to forge my own path, I'm trying not to close any doors that don't need to be closed. Obviously though if those open doors cause me trouble in the future, I'll close them as need be.

 

Thanks again oracle and headinthecloud, sound advice is appreciated more than anything else for me right now!

[rec88]

Hey NB, I was in your shoes a while ago. Everything I think lines up pretty well with what's already been said, so I'll save it. Maybe it's cause I'm in a sentimental mood today, but just wanted to say you're not alone.

[ponchsox]

The best way to facilitate reconciliation is go NC and move on. If they want you back, they will contact you. But do not hold out hope.

[NakedBlueberry]

Hey NB, I was in your shoes a while ago. Everything I think lines up pretty well with what's already been said, so I'll save it. Maybe it's cause I'm in a sentimental mood today, but just wanted to say you're not alone.

 

I appreciate it a lot. Knowing that others have gone through the same thing is encouraging.

 

The best way to facilitate reconciliation is go NC and move on. If they want you back, they will contact you. But do not hold out hope.

 

Thanks for the advice. I'm doing my best to break my dependency on her. Starting NC today actually, so we'll see how that goes!