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Have I Blown It? Should I Reach Out?

CrossroadsGirl

By CrossroadsGirl
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FitChick Established Member

FitChick

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I think saying he is a workaholic gives a great cover story for not following up while he looks for better options. Being late for your first date was probably due to him having another date right before.

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CrossroadsGirl Member

CrossroadsGirl

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Thanks for your support and observations, everyone. Well, I must say that this is a new experience for me but I am dismayed to hear that other ladies on LS have been dealt the same card.

 

I guess online/app dating is more brutal now that I remember it to be circa 2005/2006. It's almost enough to chase me back into the loving arms of my kind and considerate ex, but I know better than that.

 

My question is how do I stop this experience from eroding my self - confidence and scaring me off dating for life?!

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CrossroadsGirl Member

CrossroadsGirl

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Winny - Thanks for sharing :) May I ask him you handled it when he came back to you with excuses?

winny Established Member

winny

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Winny - Thanks for sharing :) May I ask him you handled it when he came back to you with excuses?

 

I was studying for an important exam that time and his behavior really upset me and I was scared that I will not concentrate on my exam.

 

So I told him that let's take a break and if u really like me as you say you do, then I will see whether you are actually going to make it up to me for all this mess. If you do, then we have another chance.

 

And he was like - Yes Babe.. I am sorry.. I know... I am thinking how I can be on my best behavior and make it up to you.

 

Meanwhile I studied for my exam. And passed it too.

 

There was no further effort from this guy's end however, other than some sweet, romantic/flirtatious texts.

 

And because I wasn't flirting back like I used to earlier... one day that also stopped.

 

I felt quite upset over this incident, since I had a very good impression on him. But I have started talking to other guys now, learning from my mistakes.

winny Established Member

winny

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Thanks for your support and observations, everyone. Well, I must say that this is a new experience for me but I am dismayed to hear that other ladies on LS have been dealt the same card.

 

I guess online/app dating is more brutal now that I remember it to be circa 2005/2006. It's almost enough to chase me back into the loving arms of my kind and considerate ex, but I know better than that.

 

My question is how do I stop this experience from eroding my self - confidence and scaring me off dating for life?!

 

As I said before, you need to realize your worth.

It's not you... it's him.

He is a loser.

 

You are the one who is walking away from him because you deserve better. That is confidence.

 

Initial dates are to see if a guy is worthy of you. Do not immediately decide that you like him. First evaluate him and then give your heart/time to him.

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CrossroadsGirl Member

CrossroadsGirl

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Winny, good for you for focusing on your exam and passing! :p I understand you very well and I think we have similar reactions in wanting to see the best in guys and hoping our initial first impressions are correct.

 

Good for you for shaking it off and talking to other guys, too. How is that going for you? The most important thing, I am learning, is not to blame this on yourself. It says more about him than it does about you. Some people just treat people badly, whoever they are -- it doesn't mean anything bad about you at all!!

 

I really hope this thread and the shared experiences of me and the contributors helps others reading this on LS! :)

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winny Established Member

winny

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Winny, good for you for focusing on your exam and passing! :p I understand you very well and I think we have similar reactions in wanting to see the best in guys and hoping our initial first impressions are correct.

 

Good for you for shaking it off and talking to other guys, too. How is that going for you? The most important thing, I am learning, is not to blame this on yourself. It says more about him than it does about you. Some people just treat people badly, whoever they are -- it doesn't mean anything bad about you at all!!

 

I really hope this thread and the shared experiences of me and the contributors helps others reading this on LS! :)

 

It is going all right.

I generally take a lot of time to like or get attracted to anyone or even to start talking to anyone new.

 

But this time, I started talking to new guys in about 2 weeks. I have not yet met anyone on a "date" but I am talking to 3-4 guys. And feeling better each day.

 

This forum has helped me so much. So many things which I earlier used to completely ignore or wasn't aware of, am learning here....

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CrossroadsGirl Member

CrossroadsGirl

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:bunny: Happy for you, Winny!:)

 

Would be very keen to hear some more of your words of wisdom, particularly concerning "red flags" and the like...I also have a lot to learn about dating/OLD in 2013/2014, as in the past I have tended more often than not to be in long-term relationships with someone I have met the old fashioned way (i.e. not OLD), where things are known (due to being friend of a friend) or disclosed (due to them not being a sociopath ;))...

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CrossroadsGirl Member

CrossroadsGirl

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Just to update you, Mr. Douche has not contacted me at all for an apology/explanation, nada.

 

We are FB friends and still on each others' matched lists on the OLD app. Plus WhatsApp. Is it time to block and delete?

winny Established Member

winny

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I generally don't block them so that when one fine day they come back I get to say F*** off!!!! LOL

 

Feels awesome :D

 

Delete them but don't block them.... That is only if u r completely sure that if they come back one day you wouldn't fall for their false excuses.

If you are not confident of same ... Then.. Block...

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CrossroadsGirl Member

CrossroadsGirl

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Done!! I must say, I feel better for doing that. Let's hope the next guy isn't such an a$$clown...

winny Established Member

winny

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Done!! I must say, I feel better for doing that. Let's hope the next guy isn't such an a$$clown...

 

Good Luck!

myothernic2 Established Member

myothernic2

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:bunny: Happy for you, Winny!:)

 

Would be very keen to hear some more of your words of wisdom, particularly concerning "red flags" and the like...I also have a lot to learn about dating/OLD in 2013/2014, as in the past I have tended more often than not to be in long-term relationships with someone I have met the old fashioned way (i.e. not OLD), where things are known (due to being friend of a friend) or disclosed (due to them not being a sociopath ;))...

 

Even if he had gone through with the date, he had already started using excuses as to why he ignored your messages for days, "I'm a workaholic" doesn't mean he couldn't take a minute to reply to you. Also, how was he THAT busy when you saw him active on the dating ap?? You replied enthusiastically over him "finally" saying something with that bs excuse when you still should have seen that as a red flag. If you had stayed with him, you would have eventually gotten tired of the no responses for days. He did you a favor by standing you up. Be grateful not disappointed:)

writergal Established Member

writergal

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Whoa. And this thread is exactly why I don't miss all that drama that comes with doing the online dating thing. Much better to keep it real with phone calls and face to face.

 

Plus, divorced dads are difficult to date. (Alliteration overload) Stick with single men whose only baggage is student loans or a home mortgage, and you'll have much better luck.

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CrossroadsGirl Member

CrossroadsGirl

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Myothernic2 and Writergal - Thanks for your input on red flags and OLD. This was at the very least a valuable learning experience. I see now there were numerous warning signs. Next time, I will hear alarms going off if I see them again!!

 

I still have a very strong urge to give him a piece of my mind as I am not ok with being treated like that. But you're right - he did me a favour as this BS was only sure to continue. Good grief, imagine how much worse I would feel if I had slept with him?!

 

Anyone in favour of me sending a last "here's what I think" message to him or is it wasted words?

 

I actually had a date planned with someone else from the site tonight. He cancelled 1 hour 15 minutes before the date. Not great manners but at least he cancelled. With some BS excuse but I got the last (strong) word, and I feel vindicated and proud with how I handled it. Think I will take a break from dating for a while. I'M EXHAUSTED!!!

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MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

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No, no, no! If you can't resist the urge, delete his contact info so you're not tempted. Even of you give him a piece of your mind, he'll interpret it as 'wow, she was really into me!'. In a warped way, it feeds the ego of these douches, and drives them further to see what they can get away with later (with you or his next victim).

 

For the sake of ALL of us, don't!

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RonaldS Established Member

RonaldS

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Not saying this guy isn't a db, but I hope you learn something from this, CRG.

 

As a guy, if I met and went out once with a woman, and got some sort of pissy message a couple of days later similar to what you sent, I would lose interest pretty quickly. That early in the game, biting your tongue pays big dividends. Sure, if there's an egregious offense, then you can stand up for yourself. But not getting text responses in a fashion you deem timely is not an egregious offense.

 

I'm not excusing this guy for standing you up...that's lame. But putting myself in his shoes, I wouldn't be too thrilled about meeting up with a woman who already blasted me for expecting me to know and live up to her expectations and 'failing' to do so. I would sorta be like, 'OK....and on to the next one'.

 

Just giving you a heads up. No reason to be emotionally invested in somebody after just one date. Take a breath, let it play out.

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MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

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Not saying this guy isn't a db, but I hope you learn something from this, CRG.

 

As a guy, if I met and went out once with a woman, and got some sort of pissy message a couple of days later similar to what you sent, I would lose interest pretty quickly. That early in the game, biting your tongue pays big dividends. Sure, if there's an egregious offense, then you can stand up for yourself. But not getting text responses in a fashion you deem timely is not an egregious offense.

 

My thinking was that he set up the wonderful date, and agreed to drive all that way to pick her up, as petty revenge. He never intended to follow through.

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writergal Established Member

writergal

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The only purpose that "last words" serve to someone, is to show them that you know how to end a sentence.

 

While you have every right to be irritated that you got stood up for a date with someone you met online, I think it is a waste of your time to blast them with a nasty last word email.

 

Why?

 

They don't care.

 

That's why.

 

And you don't need to take a break from online dating. I think if you changed your strategy to: 1) lower your expectations 2) don't chase them and 3) don't tell them to f*ck off b/c they rejected you, then you may have better luck and choose better guys.

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CrossroadsGirl Member

CrossroadsGirl

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No, no, no! If you can't resist the urge, delete his contact info so you're not tempted. Even of you give him a piece of your mind, he'll interpret it as 'wow, she was really into me!'. In a warped way, it feeds the ego of these douches, and drives them further to see what they can get away with later (with you or his next victim).

 

For the sake of ALL of us, don't!

 

Ok I needed to hear this. Thank you!! I blocked everything and then deleted his phone number and all messages/incoming call traces so I can't contact him.

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CrossroadsGirl Member

CrossroadsGirl

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The only purpose that "last words" serve to someone, is to show them that you know how to end a sentence.

 

While you have every right to be irritated that you got stood up for a date with someone you met online, I think it is a waste of your time to blast them with a nasty last word email.

 

Why?

 

They don't care.

 

That's why.

 

And you don't need to take a break from online dating. I think if you changed your strategy to: 1) lower your expectations 2) don't chase them and 3) don't tell them to f*ck off b/c they rejected you, then you may have better luck and choose better guys.

 

Got it. Thanks! No more last words. I agree that I need to lower my expectations (waaaay down) and not chase (I usually don't, this was unusual for me). But to be fair, WriterGal, I didn't tell anyone to f*ck off for rejecting me...

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CrossroadsGirl Member

CrossroadsGirl

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My thinking was that he set up the wonderful date, and agreed to drive all that way to pick her up, as petty revenge. He never intended to follow through.

 

I wondered that too. But I actually see now that his nefarious plan all along was most likely to come over to my place and put sex on the table, so to speak.

 

He asked if I wanted him to come over to my nice beach side town, but I said no because out of season it is boring and kept to myself the reason that I didn't want my apartment and bed to be a consideration. Then he asked if I would like him to come and pick me up. I thought to myself "is this him again trying to get into my apartment?" Aside from it being ridiculous as a 120 km round trip, I have my own car so I said I would drive towards his city and we would meet there. He said he was pleased that I didn't need me to pick him up because it was far, but he would have been happy to do it because it was more romantic. I vomited a little, yes.

 

He expressed displeasure at going out around his city on a Friday night because it gets crazy busy, but he said he would think of something suitable. I think he decided it was too much effort and be probably got a closer offer that involved less work and came accompanied with better odds for sex.

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CrossroadsGirl Member

CrossroadsGirl

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Not saying this guy isn't a db, but I hope you learn something from this, CRG.

 

As a guy, if I met and went out once with a woman, and got some sort of pissy message a couple of days later similar to what you sent, I would lose interest pretty quickly. That early in the game, biting your tongue pays big dividends. Sure, if there's an egregious offense, then you can stand up for yourself. But not getting text responses in a fashion you deem timely is not an egregious offense.

 

I'm not excusing this guy for standing you up...that's lame. But putting myself in his shoes, I wouldn't be too thrilled about meeting up with a woman who already blasted me for expecting me to know and live up to her expectations and 'failing' to do so. I would sorta be like, 'OK....and on to the next one'.

 

Just giving you a heads up. No reason to be emotionally invested in somebody after just one date. Take a breath, let it play out.

 

Hey and thanks for a guy's perspective :)

 

You're right. But here is my dilemma. As you guys have probably gathered, I am not North American and am not in North America :) I live in a Mediterranean country but was raised in Northern Europe.

 

As much as I adore it here, the dating game and mentality is pretty tough. People speak their minds and if you don't, it is considered a weakness. So I am straddling this weird line between two cultures - how I was brought up and how things are in the country that is my home, for the last 2.5 years. I never know how much is not enough and how much is too much. When I ask people "was that too much?" they laugh at me and say "are you kidding? We're all crazy here. Keep on going..."

 

Women here are super-highly strung by and large and telling a man what to do is pretty normal. On the other side, men here can be arrogant, chauvinistic and macho. The women are tough to contend with this. It's eat or get eaten...The limits are blurred and things are very volatile. It's certainly not boring, but it makes dating so much harder as the cultural/dating norms I am used to have no application here. Welcome to my world! :o

MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

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Ok I needed to hear this. Thank you!! I blocked everything and then deleted his phone number and all messages/incoming call traces so I can't contact him.

 

Good! There's an upside to me being a football widow after all!

 

I did OLD for eight years in my forties. I could write a book on the experiences I had similar to yours. Matter of fact, one douche (I told him in May of 2012 to take my number out of his phone) texted 'happy holidays' to me this morning. Believe me, the urge to text back and tell him I'm happily married (and that I met hubbie while he was failing to commit to me, get off the dating site, etc.) is SOOOOO strong. And here, after telling you what I did, his # is still in my phone (saved as *******1. ;). LOL.

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winny Established Member

winny

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Not saying this guy isn't a db, but I hope you learn something from this, CRG.

 

As a guy, if I met and went out once with a woman, and got some sort of pissy message a couple of days later similar to what you sent, I would lose interest pretty quickly. That early in the game, biting your tongue pays big dividends. Sure, if there's an egregious offense, then you can stand up for yourself. But not getting text responses in a fashion you deem timely is not an egregious offense.

 

I'm not excusing this guy for standing you up...that's lame. But putting myself in his shoes, I wouldn't be too thrilled about meeting up with a woman who already blasted me for expecting me to know and live up to her expectations and 'failing' to do so. I would sorta be like, 'OK....and on to the next one'.

 

Just giving you a heads up. No reason to be emotionally invested in somebody after just one date. Take a breath, let it play out.

 

Yes... So OP needs to control her anxiety n anger.

 

Also even if she did say - she doesnt like to chase, and that was like a red flag to the guy, still if the guy was mentally normal he would have just gently declined any further plans instead of taking revenge... LOL

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