Have I Blown It? Should I Reach Out?

[CrossroadsGirl]

Hi Guys

 

Thanks so much for your advice in August. Since then, I have tried dating again, with mixed results. For the most part, I have tried to keep in mind the things that I want and when it becomes clear that consort cannot provide them, I politely end things and move on.

 

However, this is when I am not and do not feel emotionally invested. When I like someone and feel like I could "really like" them, my conduct appears to become needy and irrational. Please help - I have been depressed since my last contact with the current guy in question on Tuesday and I can't stop fixating. I usually never EVER initiate anything with guys and let them chase me, but I worry that I have ruined the flow of this by being too....something. I don't know. what do you think?!

 

Me - 32 year old female (but looks 25 I am told!), never married, good job, very attractive, fit and kind to animals

 

I am used to (younger) guys being very out there with there interest in me and messaging me/phoning me every day if they like me. But this guy - he's something else...

 

I joined a popular dating app a week ago and agreed to a date with a 33 year old divorced father of two who works a demanding job in real estate. Not sounding like such a catch? Well, I usually date younger guys so this was a new experience for me in the last few years. However, he is very intelligent, handsome and extremely charming. We arranged on Saturday to meet up on Sunday evening. As it happens, he was pretty late but kept my appraised of the situation with him being kept at work all along, and I didn't mind so much as I had things to do in the area anyway. The date was great but I did find myself feeling a little more shy than usual, which he definitely picked up on. Nevertheless, he asked me on the first date for a second date on Friday night (tonight). I accepted. No firm plans were made. Very nice goodnight kissing session!

 

Later in the night, he called me a couple of times to make sure I got home safely.

 

The next day (Monday), he WhatsAppp-ed me to again make sure I was fine. A little chit-chat to and fro over the course of the next few hours while at work and he told me that he wants to get to know more of me. Also a little jokey psychoanalysis on his part as this is his "hobby" -He said that he thought I was shy on our date because "I am used to being the big boss with the young boys.". i replied to some of his observations briefly, in note form (1)xxx2)xxx). No reply.

 

I sent a WhatsApp at around 12am just saying "sleeping already"? No reply. I instantly wished I hadn't sent it.

 

The next night (Tuesday), I got pretty drunk. I sent a smiiie face message through WhattsApp as I saw he was online at the same time as me. He replied instantly: "Hi Baby - I'm in the middle of work now. I will speak to you leisurely at the end of the day. Kisses." I didn't reply until about 3 hours later, at the end of the day, when he hadn't contacted yet. I don't know why, but it was like a red rag to a bull for me. I felt like I had to someone stand my ground and let him know that this wasn't ok with me. I sent two messages - one in his native French and then a follow-up in English just in case I had made a mistake. The general gist was "I like you but I am not the kind of woman that will chase you." Message received, no reply.

 

That's it. I know he has been on this dating app twice since then and I know that he has been online on WhatsApp and on Facebook. He has made no further attempt to contact me and I do not know how he understood my message. Tonight is Friday night, when we had plans. Should I assume that these are cancelled because of his silence? Why hasn't he tried to contact me again? Did I do something super-dumb sending that message? Is there anything else I can do to save the situation? Please help - I am extremely anxious as I really liked him and can't seem to stop analyzing this over and over, self-flagellating...

Edited December 20, 2013 by CrossroadsGirl

[winny]

U have known him just a week and met him once. Chill.

Don't think so much.

 

I don't think you have done anything wrong.

Be patient. He will get back if he is interested.

[CrossroadsGirl]

Thanks for your advice, Winny. I know, I have totally lost proportion on this one, but once my anxiety or insecurity is triggered, this is what happens. Apparently I need frequent reassurance and it doesn't seem strange, if a first date is on Sunday and a second one is planned for Friday night, for me to expect some more contact from the man in question.

 

So I should just sit tight and do nothing?

[CrossroadsGirl]

*Bump*

 

Does anyone else want to share their input too? It would be very gratefully received!

[Mascara]

That last message was a bit snippy to be honest. Not sure I'd reply if someone sent me that.

 

There are certain things that you don't TELL someone is the way you are - you SHOW them.

 

For example, you don't sleep with someone on the first date and then the next day tell them that you're not that kind of girl.

 

And you don't tell someone that you don't chase guys while sending them a message that shows you kinda do.

[CrossroadsGirl]

Thanks, Mascara. I also think it was snippy of me and I instantly regretted it. My question is: can I do anything to rectify it? I would like to see him again - especially as we had agreed to meet again tonight...Can I contact him in polite contrition?

[Mascara]

Nope. You do nothing, you go dark. I understand that's difficult, but it's the only way you can exit this. And if he doesn't want to exit, he knows what he has to do.

[CrossroadsGirl]

Arrgh so basically I blew it. Goddamn you, Whiskey and WhatsApp, you lethel combination. Thanks, Mascara. I appreciate you being frank with me.

[todreaminblue]

i thought the message he sent you was nice........and affectionate.....personally f a guy wrote that to me i would give him the benefit of the doubt.and await his reply when he was ready..to me ...evrybody worries while waiting for a reply answer......but i think what makes the difference if you dont put your worries back on them because they are yours not theirs.....own them and let them go....and just relax and meditate.do something you like to do ...you might be hurt.....wont last forever...he will gt back to you or he wont...whatever happens that way...worrying about it and replying worriedly you have done soemthing or snipping a sarcastic reply back wont help.i learned this the hard way....lost a possible friend...makes em sad still...but life goes on as it is meant to ...deb

[CrossroadsGirl]

Hi ToDreamInBlue

 

Thanks for your message. It helped me to see that it was a very sweet message that he sent me. I decided to swallow my pride and go against everyone else's advice as my gut was telling me something else. So I sent two messages:

 

1) Ugh. I'm sorry. That was mean of me.

 

No reply.

 

2) [a couple of hours later after i hyperventilated, meditated and hid under the duvet]. I'm very embarrassed for sending you those snippy messages! I would be happy to see you again if you still want to tonight?

 

He replied within 10 minutes:

 

"I want to real bad!!! Sorry crazy week. Calling you in an hour. It's ok?"

 

I replied: "Of course it's ok! I thought my crazy messages had scared you away! I also had the week from hell :)"

 

Instant reply from him: "I'm a workaholic, I forgot to tell."

 

Me: "There are worst ways to be ;)"

 

Him: "Talk soon I hope to finish the week well with you"

 

Me: Kisses.

 

So - he is supposed to call shortly. Let's hope he does!

[d0nnivain]

You had plans if he said nothing to change those plans why would you assume they were cancelled? I don't get that.

 

I'd assume they're on & reach out to confirm them if you are worried.

 

Going forward stay off WhatsApp when you are drinking.

[CrossroadsGirl]

Hi d0nnivain and thanks for your input

 

Where we are, people can be flakey and so assuming the worst (i.e. lost interest/cancelled plans from no confirmation) isn't always wrong. However, the silence made me paranoid and the alcohol didn't help either after a stressful week. You are totally right though - I will NotsApp when drinking

[CrossroadsGirl]

He called! He is so adorable. He offered to drive 60 kms to pick me up later for our date. I have a car and declined in favour of driving myself, but how sweet and romantic!

 

All's well that ends well Remember, kids, when drunk - NotsApp!

Edited December 20, 2013 by CrossroadsGirl

[veggirl]

Yeah, drama in the first WEEK is almost ALWAYS going to be the end of things.

 

In all honesty, I think that the 2nd date should be arranged on the 1st. Typically an interested guy will say "we need to do this again" or something at which point instead of just "yeah!" you should say "That would be awesome, when are you free?". Any interested guy will lock you down then, an uninterested guy who was just "being polite" will hem & haw and tell you he'll let you know.

 

Beyond that, wtf is with the "baby" after ONE date?! Creepy.

 

I know he called again and whatnot but you are WAY too invested in a guy you went out with once. If I were you I'd reign in the "being swept away" feelings.......relax. The "baby" thing really rubs me the wrong way. You barely know each other. And you were basically starting an argument...meh imo you guys are getting too "familiar" (without actually being familiar) too fast and you should slow your roll. I mean ending messages with "kisses"?????? Oh my.

Edited December 20, 2013 by veggirl

[CrossroadsGirl]

Hi Veggirl!

 

Perhaps you missed this in my OP:

 

"Nevertheless, he asked me on the first date for a second date on Friday night (tonight). I accepted."

 

Thus, the second date was indeed "locked down" on the first date.

 

As for the "baby" name, here where we are, affectionate terms for each other are very normal, even with complete strangers, in the grocery store from the clerk and the security guard! Plus, he is French. I don't find it creepy at all

 

You'll just have to put this down to cultural differences - here we are quite kissy-kissy, familiar and outspoken. Plus, my slightly confrontational messages aren't really considered all that dramatic by local standards But I will agree with you that I need to be less swept away and I do need to relax more. Lesson learned!

Edited December 20, 2013 by CrossroadsGirl

[winny]

Good to know that things seem ok.

 

I think you are already too much into him Pull back...

Else, I don't know what he will do or not.... but you will certainly screw it...

There are going to be more dates, more texting and stuff in future... and if he is a workaholic, he will forget to call/text/keep up and you need to be very very very patient during all that...

 

Keep hopes and expectation low and your crazy heart in control.

I hope he is a good guy.

[CrossroadsGirl]

Thanks, Winny You are right and I am telling myself to pull back tonight when I see him as you are right, that I like him more than I should at this stage of getting to know each other. Maybe it's a good thing that we only spoke a couple of times this week, as it made me dial my expectations right the way down again.

 

My freak-out messages were pretty out of character for me. Over my many years of dating and relationships, I have taught myself to keep such things to myself. The next stage is to try not to invest too much in one person or need their constant checking-in for reassurance. The last guy I dated for several weeks (after my big break-up) has ADHD and I was his hyperfocus, so I got used to intense levels of contact on a daily basis. I actually didn't like that so much in the end, so that's interesting!

 

Thank you for your positive wishes. I hope he is a good guy too It's just exciting to meet an intelligent, urbane, charming and successful man who is sociable and fun. I'm going to enjoy it, have fun and carry a brown paper bag, just in case I need to take a deep breath

Edited December 20, 2013 by CrossroadsGirl

[winny]

Thanks, Winny You are right and I am telling myself to pull back tonight when I see him as you are right, that I like him more than I should at this stage of getting to know each other. Maybe it's a good thing that we only spoke a couple of times this week, as it made me dial my expectations right the way down again.

 

My freak-out messages were pretty out of character for me. Over my many years of dating and relationships, I have taught myself to keep such things to myself. The next stage is to try not to invest too much in one person or need their constant checking-in for reassurance. The last guy I dated for several weeks (after my big break-up) has ADHD and I was his hyperfocus, so I got used to intense levels of contact on a daily basis. I actually didn't like that so much in the end, so that's interesting!

 

Thank you for your positive wishes. I hope he is a good guy too It's just exciting to meet an intelligent, urbane, charming and successful man who is sociable and fun. I'm going to enjoy it, have fun and carry a brown paper bag, just in case I need to take a deep breath

 

LOL

I understand you... I think many other women will too...

 

Be very patient, but do not ignore any red flags.

 

As I have seen many others suggesting on this Forum, do the mirroring thing.

Your interest in him should be equal to his in you.

If he sends one text, you send one. And that's it.

If he makes tentative plans and doesn't follow through, you ask just once if the plan is on, give him a time by which he needs to confirm and leave it at that.

 

Always be polite, calm and clear in your responses - even if he cancels plans at the last moment.

Even if in future you feel he is ignoring you, do not lose temper.

If you are too much anxious - just do not text or call that time.

 

If he turns out to be a bad guy, you will never have anything to blame yourself for, if you always speak politely. That will save you much trauma in case god forbid anything goes wrong between the two of you. Because we females have this characteristic to keep on blaming ourselves for something we said or did when we were angry. And think we ruined the relationship.

 

He may seem to be a super awesome catch, but remember that, you are no less.

And the way you are feeling about him, until and unless he shows similar feelings for you, thru his actions, he is actually not that great a catch

Don't forget your worth.

 

I am trying to learn to do the above stuff myself.

[CrossroadsGirl]

Wow.

 

After all this (him calling before and asking what would I like to do and seeming sweet and excited to see me), he stood me up. Didn't call to say exactly where we were meeting and no apology/explanation/response to my one inquiry message. At first I thought he had fallen asleep as he said he was going to nap a little after we spoke so he would be fresh for our date. But, to add insult to injury, his profile was active on the dating app around the time I sent message on WhatsApp (message still undelivered)/tried to call. What a douche.

[winny]

Wow.

 

After all this (him calling before and asking what would I like to do and seeming sweet and excited to see me), he stood me up. Didn't call to say exactly where we were meeting and no apology/explanation/response to my one inquiry message. At first I thought he had fallen asleep as he said he was going to nap a little after we spoke so he would be fresh for our date. But, to add insult to injury, his profile was active on the dating app around the time I sent message on WhatsApp (message still undelivered)/tried to call. What a douche.

 

OMG!!!

I know how you feel... have been there...

Don't do anything... just try to relax... and go out with friends if possible...

 

From my experience - don't talk to him ever again.

But I leave it to you to make the decision...

[winny]

I see he was late for first date as well... kept you waiting...

[CrossroadsGirl]

Thanks, Winny. I'm not upset, just a little incredulous! You say it's happened to you before?

 

Edit - Yes he was 90 minutes late for first date. I was busy doing other things so wasn't put out but this does speak to a pattern and maybe power games. ..

Edited December 21, 2013 by CrossroadsGirl

[winny]

Thanks, Winny. I'm not upset, just a little incredulous! You say it's happened to you before?

 

Edit - Yes he was 90 minutes late for first date. I was busy doing other things so wasn't put out but this does speak to a pattern and maybe power games. ..

 

Yes, happened to me.

The guy spent an entire week speaking to me about a day trip he asked me out to. I was so excited. On Friday he said... Oh I can't wait to see you..

On Saturday he re confirmed the trip. And on Sunday morning when we were supposed to go... he just disappeared... 1 day.. no communication nothing...

And I had known him for a more than a month then...

I texted him.. no replies... he came back the next day with some excuses... and said he will be on his best behavior blah blah...

 

That's all BS.

 

Very hurtful when you like someone.

[winny]

 

Edit - Yes he was 90 minutes late for first date. I was busy doing other things so wasn't put out but this does speak to a pattern and maybe power games. ..

 

I wouldn't say power games. I would say - you are not his priority and he is just not that into you.

Also he has no respect for you, your time or feelings.

 

Not a great catch

Edited December 21, 2013 by winny
edit

[snowflakes88]

Thanks, Winny. I'm not upset, just a little incredulous! You say it's happened to you before?

 

Edit - Yes he was 90 minutes late for first date. I was busy doing other things so wasn't put out but this does speak to a pattern and maybe power games. ..

 

More likely he simply doesn't care. Resist the urge to send him another message, if you can.