Exhusband says I won't find a nice guy like him. True or false?

[2.50 a gallon]

beyond crushed

 

 

The simple answer to your question is NO!

 

 

I have made it a point to read all of your posts. And there are so many red flags including the handle you chose.

 

 

Your husband suffers from the Nice Guy syndrome. You say you were never physically attracted to him, and yet some how you produced 3 babies with him?

 

 

One of the traits of a Wondering wives is their rewriting the history of their marriage.

 

 

I too once suffered from the NGS, but could hardly get a date and hardly past first base. Until I turned into a don't give a chit, bad boy player, whose only goal was to get in a woman's pants, and then had them knocking on my door.

 

 

Then this bad boy player, fell in love, made all the changes, quit partying, quit screwing my long list of FWB's and became a loving husband. Only to get kicked in the teeth.

 

 

So I went back to being a player, and easily bagged another 100 plus women, this time some of them were married. I know what I am talking about

 

 

Your first thread has you wondering how you could get your rebound OM to take you back. As they say it takes a thief to catch a thief. In my case, as a former player, I could see immediately that he played you. You say it was a quick rebound with a co-worker after the break up of your marriage. He already had you in his sights when you dumped your Nice Guy husband.

 

 

You made yourself available. He got what he wanted, had his fun and sex and moved on. You liked being used, and wanted to continue the relationship.

 

 

What I am saying is, you are no longer attracted to Nice Guys.

Edited December 23, 2013 by 2.50 a gallon

[beyondcrushed]

Don't me wrong - romantic gestures are great! It's the sense of 'you owe me now that I did this for you' that bother.

Romanticism is completely selfless.

 

Exactly. I'm sure at the beginning it was selfless but about a year into our relationship it wasn't. He was looking for something in return.

[beyondcrushed]

Happydate,

 

I agree, and have learned the hard way, that you have to accept someone for who they are, let them be who they are and not try to change them or expect change. It is definitely a challenge trying to be ourselves when you are pulled and pushed. Takes a lot of strength, and knowing who you are. Yah, we both didn't give each other freedom. Interesting that you call it manipulation and power plays to control each other. I think that is true. And it makes so much sense about appreciating the new man and by not comparing it is a real love with no pain. I have decided to be alone and take some time to myself and reflect, find myself, and free myself from the emotional baggage from my ex husband and my exbf. I want to be free to love again in a healthy way.

[beyondcrushed]

beyond crushed

 

In my case, as a former player, I could see immediately that he played you. You say it was a quick rebound with a co-worker after the break up of your marriage. He already had you in his sights when you dumped your Nice Guy husband.

 

 

You made yourself available. He got what he wanted, had his fun and sex and moved on. You liked being used, and wanted to continue the relationship.

 

 

What I am saying is, you are no longer attracted to Nice Guys.

 

Yes, we produced 3 kids. I was in love with my exhusband, sex was pleasurable. But I didn't desire it with him and wasn't turned on. HE always made the first move.

 

Don't think my rebound was a player, per se, but certainly manipulative and controlling. Yes, he had me in his sights on me and made a play. He knew exactly what he was doing and what he wanted. He got me but was also ready to have a life with me. His words and actions were consistent with that. He wanted to and saw me every night and weekend. He had me bring some of my personal belongings (toiletries, clothes) to his house. Gave me a house key. We made plans to move in. He introduced me to all his friends and family as his gf. He was the one who wanted to tell our bosses. He texted me all day. He suggested coffee and lunch breaks. When would he have time to play with another? He did have female friends he chatted with. I don't know that he was a player and had other women. I checked his cell and there wasn't anything or anyone suspicious. He certainly was afraid of getting hurt again and would pull away often. When finally he didn't want to be with me anymore cause my neediness was a turn off. So does that still sound like a player to you?

[xxoo]

Wow, so true. How do I not let him taint my future relationships? How do you stop comparing? How do you appreciate and enjoy who you are with for the person they are? So hard.

 

Practice living in the moment, appreciating now. Practice gratitude.

 

And know that, if and when you fall in love, you won't be thinking about your ex. You'll think the new guy hung the moon.

[beyondcrushed]

beyond crushed

 

 

I have made it a point to read all of your posts. And there are so many red flags including the handle you chose.

 

 

What I am saying is, you are no longer attracted to Nice Guys.

 

So you read my post asking if my rebound played me. And you think he did. I can usually spot a player. But he didn't fit the typical player type. If he was, he played it well. So incognito. He just seemed so into me.

 

I don't want someone who is too nice and I don't want a jerk bad boy either. Someone in between. He's cool and confident, yet kind, loving and giving. I like a challenge too. I find if they are too much nice, its easy. I get turned off. And total jerks, well, I don't even pay attention. But someone who has a bit of both. You need a balance. Good luck finding it though.

[beyondcrushed]

Practice living in the moment, appreciating now. Practice gratitude.

 

And know that, if and when you fall in love, you won't be thinking about your ex. You'll think the new guy hung the moon.

 

Thank you. I agree. Gratitude and appreciating now. That's true -- hung the moon. I guess its tough being alone. First time ever in my life. And its sad. So of course, I think of my exes. I think of the good.

[happydate]

Happydate,

 

I agree, and have learned the hard way, that you have to accept someone for who they are, let them be who they are and not try to change them or expect change. It is definitely a challenge trying to be ourselves when you are pulled and pushed. Takes a lot of strength, and knowing who you are. Yah, we both didn't give each other freedom. Interesting that you call it manipulation and power plays to control each other. I think that is true. And it makes so much sense about appreciating the new man and by not comparing it is a real love with no pain. I have decided to be alone and take some time to myself and reflect, find myself, and free myself from the emotional baggage from my ex husband and my exbf. I want to be free to love again in a healthy way.

 

Part of my regimen of being myself is to vent my anger and frustration in the open when someone wronged me. You can do this in a secluded open place (no cliffs please) and express your frustration and anger of anyone in the open until you feel reprieved. I usually feel much better and I usually forgive them for what they've done to me after I expressed my discontent in the open. If a secluded place can not be found, you can use a wet towel, cover your mouth and then express loudly as much as you want just so that your neighbors won't dial 911 or frighten your kids.

 

You can not be free of your exes if you are suppressing those toxic emotions that they caused on you by expressing through your vocal cords!

 

Hope this helps.

Edited December 25, 2013 by happydate

[GG2W]

I agree with Gallon.

You were played, in fact I have played that same game myself, exactly as you were played, down to letting them move some of their stuff in, to give them confidence.

Stealing another man's woman is a sexual high. They are so turned on by their new environment they will try almost anything I suggest. It is a kick knowing they are doing things with me, they denied their husband.

It is good for a couple of months, and the thrill is gone, and it is time to find some one new.

The object of the game is to not let them know they have been played as some time in the future, and it has happened, the thrill might return and I can get a repeat performance.

Edited December 25, 2013 by GG2W
missing text

[beyondcrushed]

Well, he really had me believing it was something more. I guess a clue would've been how distant he was with me a lot. Funny, cause one comment he said about sex at the end was that "there hasn't been much passion, a bit at the start (of our relationship) and maybe a couple of times since". So maybe that's all he wanted -- sex. I certainly don't want someone like that again. It's scary because I thought I was reading the signs well. It seemed he was falling in love or in love with me. Will I get the signs wrong again with the next guy?

 

I guess everyone has an agenda, good or bad, even those in an exclusive committed relationship. My exh was insecure/jealous and so, he was afraid I'd leave him. His hidden agenda was to keep me close to him and the home. Looking back, his actions were consistent with that.

Edited December 26, 2013 by beyondcrushed

[gaius]

I would imagine after all those years it's going to take a while to work him out of your system. Not meeting another one like him is a good thing though. Who wants a guy who just lives to service your needs.

[NYWoman]

bc

 

 

The more you post, the more I see you walking the same path I took so many years ago.

 

 

Nice, but not too nice.

 

 

Insecure, jealous, afraid I might leave him, add in clingy, needy, and a dozen or more negative adjectives, my younger Hollywood handsome OM filled my head with.

 

 

My Exh displayed those same traits as he tried to save our marriage, he kept asking why was I throwing away to quote a song of that time, "a fortune in feelings?"

 

 

My brain would not listen until my d-day, when l saw him with another woman. Then it was me who was jealous, insecure and terrified that I had lost him.

 

 

I suspect that your husband is still hurting from the break up, so it might take some time. But be warned to steel yourself for the day when it happens to you as he tried to save our marriage. My brain refused to see it, until my d-day when I saw him with another woman. Made even worse as it was one of my friends.

 

 

My OM was a selfish, unimaginative loser dufus in bed. Nothing to compare with the loving sharing man I had married.

[beyondcrushed]

I suspect that your husband is still hurting from the break up, so it might take some time. But be warned to steel yourself for the day when it happens to you as he tried to save our marriage. My brain refused to see it, until my d-day when I saw him with another woman. Made even worse as it was one of my friends.

 

 

My OM was a selfish, unimaginative loser dufus in bed. Nothing to compare with the loving sharing man I had married.

 

Your situation sounds similar to mine. My exh has a new gf. It is serious and yes, it has me thinking and asking these questions. My rebound was selfish too. Great in bed but not a loving sharing man like my exh. You say you went through this years ago. Where are you now? Are you over your exh? Are you with anyone and are they better than your exh or OM? And how do you feel when you look back?

[NYWoman]

At the least you got some good sex

 

 

Upon my awakening my Exh left no doubt that we were through. I hung around the area for a couple of years, dated, but had no luck finding some one new. There was a small part of me that still held out hope, he might some day call. Sensing I needed a change, I moved back across the country to my birth state, to be near my dad and older siblings

 

 

This helped, but still no one new, until a year later I took a long train trip and found magic. We married over a year later, had 2 boys. But with the passage of time, we grew apart, and when the last one moved out on his own, I soon followed and moved back across the country to be near my mom.

 

 

I had moved on and hardly ever thought of the first Ex, but when I did it was with a sigh. The second husband was not a great father, always seemed to be too busy to get super involved with his boys. The first ex, would have been a great father, was a little bit of an out doors man, liked old pick up trucks, camping, fishing. He also liked sports, and would have taught them how to play. He was also, into hobbies, when one of my nieces turned 5 he built her a doll house. He didn't need a kit, just bought the wood, plastic, what have you and built one. So, there were times I thought that I had short changed my boys.

[beyondcrushed]

At the least you got some good sex

 

 

Upon my awakening my Exh left no doubt that we were through. I hung around the area for a couple of years, dated, but had no luck finding some one new. There was a small part of me that still held out hope, he might some day call. Sensing I needed a change, I moved back across the country to my birth state, to be near my dad and older siblings

 

 

This helped, but still no one new, until a year later I took a long train trip and found magic. We married over a year later, had 2 boys. But with the passage of time, we grew apart, and when the last one moved out on his own, I soon followed and moved back across the country to be near my mom.

 

 

I had moved on and hardly ever thought of the first Ex, but when I did it was with a sigh. The second husband was not a great father, always seemed to be too busy to get super involved with his boys. The first ex, would have been a great father, was a little bit of an out doors man, liked old pick up trucks, camping, fishing. He also liked sports, and would have taught them how to play. He was also, into hobbies, when one of my nieces turned 5 he built her a doll house. He didn't need a kit, just bought the wood, plastic, what have you and built one. So, there were times I thought that I had short changed my boys.

 

Thank you for replying. Nice to know the heartache or regret of losing your first exh was dulled significantly after so many years. I understand what you mean about the qualities in him that would've made him a great father. But you never short changed your kids. They have and know their father, and have a great mother who loves them dearly. They can learn to fish, hunt and do other things now, or later. Never too late.

[NYWoman]

I realize that I haven't answered all of your questions. To be honest, at this point in time, I am not sure what they are. As I have had a not so pleasant holiday to remind me what I threw away, and am just trying to ride it out.

 

 

It was a good six months after I bought my place, that my mother gave me the guess who I ran into. When she told me, my heart was all aglow, until she mentioned that there was a woman waiting for him in his pickup truck. Then it hit me, I had seen someone that could have been him drive past my house, it just hadn't occurred to me had too had moved back to our home town. It was at that time, that I looked him up in the phone book and found that he now lived about a mile away from my mom.

 

 

Then realizing that one of the better hobby shops, was right down the street and that by driving past my residential area provided him a short cut to the freeway, shot down the idea that he might have found where I lived and that was the reason he was driving by.

 

 

And yes I did see him drive by several times, and darn it, the man was my first love, whether I like it or not, and he will always own a part of my soul

 

 

I am in a LTR with my SO, and do my best to avoid the Exh's part of town as each time we cross paths, my soul reacts.

[NYWoman]

bc

 

 

I guess we cross posted. Both of my sons are tall and inherited my 2nd husbands broad shoulders, and as you say are learning to do some of these activities by their selves. They wanted to be athletic, and did try Little League and high school sports, and did OK, but they had to learn everything from their coaches.

 

 

There is a part of me that just knows, that if their father had gotten more involved and got them started at a much earlier age, they would have done much better. They were eager learners, but always seemed to be just catching up with the other players.

 

 

On the other hand, my first Exh, was a great athelete, but being short and skinny, never played high school sports.

[beyondcrushed]

Our exes will always be in our hearts and seeing/hearing/talking to them will always tug at our heartstrings to some degree:(

 

We need to appreciate what we have and live in the present. Sometimes its hard. I read a piece of advice recently that has helped me is to remember that you will always have your memories of him. Those aren't going anywhere. So stop remembering and thinking of them. You can always go back and remember.

 

Thank you for replying.

[NYWoman]

I am finally a little better and can post again. I feel I should post to you, as this is something you might some day in the future experience.

 

 

My son and DIL brought out my grandson for the holidays, on Saturday night before Xmas we took him out to look at the decorated houses. Just down the street from one extravaganza, is a nice display, tasteful, not overly done, put has a few cut out cartoon characters I had seen last year and wanted the grand son to see. It made me begin to wonder, why my SO can't get out and run a few strings of lights along our driveway and sidewalk. I've asked.

 

 

This years new scene was a tree in the dark back part of the property, that was ringed with tiny bright blue LED lights. The surrounding darkness, makes it stand out in a haunting, but beautiful way. That was when I noticed that damn pickup truck, behind the other cars. I guess they have moved and I didn't know it. Really nice place. To be honest I was envious. And also the last line from A Christmas Carol, about Scrooge knowing how to celebrate Christmas.

[NYWoman]

Finding their new place threw me off balance.

 

 

Then came two days later, on Monday night. It has long been a tradition with my mom and I, to have a holiday meal at a local Mexican food restaurant. I had long forgot, it was my first Xh who introduced me to Mexican food at this same restaurant, different location, and started this tradition many, many years ago.

 

 

Half way through our meal, my first clue was when my SO, said something along the lines of "I wonder what she sees in him?" Something that I too had heard many, many years ago. I looked up to see him and her walking by less than 10 feet away. As I said in a previous post, she is tall like me, and gorgeous. How can this be as she is a good five years older than me, but looks ten years younger than me. She was wearing a tasteful skirt, showing them legs, and carrying a red rose in her hand.

 

 

Always the romantic, that was me oh so many years ago.

 

 

The rose prompted my idiot SO, to also remark to my son, that she was probably an escort out on a date.

 

 

This was my first time, to be so close to him. He's gained a few pounds, but nothing like my SO. He has well peppered long hair running down to the middle of his back, with a well trimmed short, all white beard, with them piercing blue eyes. Like her he is gorgeous. I quickly looked away, so he would not see and possibly recognize me.

 

 

He was wearing a red Santa hat, and her a green elf hat. After they were seated, across the large busy room from us, I noticed that the two of them had been noticed by half of the people there. Perhaps, they noticed as I did, the love between the two of them almost made them glow.

 

 

I did my best to put on a happy face, but my mood changed and it was noticed. I was able to cover by saying the spicey food had hit my system wrong.

 

 

On the way home, I was able to get myself under control and later that night, after crawling into bed, my SO, thinking he might get a little action now that I was better, as we were warming up had to once again mention the hooker with the rose.

 

 

Giant Trigger, as I knew at that very moment, that woman was screwing my husband, in my house with the cute cutout of Grumpy in the front yard.

 

 

I am not sure, but whatever I felt for my SO, has drained out of me. I am back to being lost

[SoleMate]

If you find a good, decent man who wants to make you happy, it's easy enough to give him helpful hints on a few special things that would mean so much: "It would be sweet if you surprised me with chocolates and champagne in our motel room" or whatever.

 

BUT.....

 

True affection, loyalty, concern for your feelings, making dinner, saying "Hi" in a happy voice when he walks in the door, taking out the trash without being asked, holding your hand while watching a movie etc. must always weigh much higher than Hallmark-type gestures like rose petals on a bed.

 

Seems like there is a strong correlation between the over-the-top rose petal behavior and being a controlling d*bag.....the d*bags do the rose petals with the idea, "I'm being so great, she HAS to love me, and if she doesn't she deserves to suffer and I need to put her in her place". Not ALL rose petalers, just a disproportionately large fraction of them. If a woman overvalues rose petals and undervalues more substantive behaviors, well then that's her choice and it comes with consequences.

[SoleMate]

NYWoman, please start your own thread. You have an important story but this is starting to become a t/j.

[beyondcrushed]

If you find a good, decent man who wants to make you happy, it's easy enough to give him helpful hints on a few special things that would mean so much: "It would be sweet if you surprised me with chocolates and champagne in our motel room" or whatever.

 

BUT.....

 

True affection, loyalty, concern for your feelings, making dinner, saying "Hi" in a happy voice when he walks in the door, taking out the trash without being asked, holding your hand while watching a movie etc. must always weigh much higher than Hallmark-type gestures like rose petals on a bed.

 

Seems like there is a strong correlation between the over-the-top rose petal behavior and being a controlling d*bag.....the d*bags do the rose petals with the idea, "I'm being so great, she HAS to love me, and if she doesn't she deserves to suffer and I need to put her in her place". Not ALL rose petalers, just a disproportionately large fraction of them. If a woman overvalues rose petals and undervalues more substantive behaviors, well then that's her choice and it comes with consequences.

 

You are absolutely right about other gestures vs. hallmark ones. Hallmark is nice but unsustainable. What makes the difference is the others. Thanks so much for that.

 

Its been so long since i've been on here. I met a man before xmas whom I've been on two dates with. What a breath of fresh air compared to all the players who just want to get laid. This man is such a gentleman. Mature. Knows how to treat a lady. Gave me chocolates for xmas (1st date), gave me perfume for a bday gift (2nd date) and had the band play a song for me at the restaurant. He reserves a table for us at a restaurant. Makes all the arrangements well in advance. Greets me standing and kisses my cheeks. Takes my hand while walking so I don't fall. Opens doors. Helps me with my coat and chair. Considerate. Amazing. Who knows, maybe his endgame is to score too. Doesn't matter anyway because, I'm not attracted to him, yet. Anyway, just shows there are other nice guys out there. I just need to find one in which I have chemistry/passion with.

[almond]

Will I never find someone like him who will be just as in love with me and be just as good and nice to me?

 

It's definitely possible.

 

However, that's only one part of the equation. You divorced him because as "nice" as he was, he wasn't what you were after. You were unsatisfied. The most important thing to remember is you are looking for someone that you love more than you loved him.

 

Stop looking back, and get excited for your future.

[pink_sugar]

A man doing everything for you, although nice, still isn't everything. It sounds like you were never romantically into him like he was with you. You developed feelings for him over time, but you were never in love with him and that is what you need to have a lasting marriage. You'll meet another man whom you do have those feelings for and don't feel the need to measure him up to your ex. Sometimes it is annoying when men are too clingy to a woman, because they are so afraid she will leave. My mom was telling me the exact same thing about my husband when our relationship was on the rocks. You can really care about someone, but no matter how much they do for you...if you're not in love, it's not gonna work.