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Exhusband says I won't find a nice guy like him. True or false?

beyondcrushed

By beyondcrushed
in General Relationship Discussion

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nescafe1982 Established Member

nescafe1982

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Other things "nice guys" tend to say: "it's women like you who..."

 

...we should make a list! :)

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Meatballsmom Established Member

Meatballsmom

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Men who understand how to be romantic and then act on it are very rare.

 

 

Finding a replacement will be difficult if not impossible

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SerCay Established Member

SerCay

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I think you need to put it in perspective.

 

WWhat you had with your ex was good but you still found reasons to leave, so maybe it wasn't that good after all?

 

Without listening to his words try to examine your own feelings..

Was there really no way of getting used to his ways (good and bad)?

 

OR did you just get gigs?

 

SO many reasons could have been the reason for you to leave, either way you should examine THIS instead of focusing on a line he throws out. Because a lot of us have been in the mind state where we wish or hope and even speak out that our ex will never find someone like us...

 

Doesn't mean it has to be true. It's you who has to find out.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

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I never got a second chance. He dated for awhile, but would have nothing to do with me. There has been no contact for the past quarter century. He doesn't know that I have since moved back to the city were we met. Every once in while I will see him out shopping, with this absolutely gorgeous woman. They have been together for over 20 years, and he still holds her hand and opens the car door for her.

 

You can't live you life staring in the rear view mirror like this.

 

The important point is that we learn and grow from our experiences and that we don't dwell on what was lost. Nothing can be perfect in this world.

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winny Established Member

winny

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Just tell him - I hope I don't. Coz if I wanted a "nice" guy LIKE you... I wouldn't have divorced you.

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runningfar Established Member

runningfar

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Its hard to think of someone who says something like that as truly nice

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beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

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He dated for awhile, but would have nothing to do with me. There has been no contact for the past quarter century. He doesn't know that I have since moved back to the city were we met. Every once in while I will see him out shopping, with this absolutely gorgeous woman. They have been together for over 20 years, and he still holds her hand and opens the car door for her.

 

OMG, that sucks. That would kill me. Just kill me, even 20 years later.

 

Reading your story and other's comments makes me think it's anyone's guess really. It can go either way. We don't know what life hold for us. I could find someone better, or I may not.

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beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

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The very difficult part is finding him/her and making it last.

 

Exactly. Very depressing.

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beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

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They are soooooo nice until something doesn't go their way - then they become manipulative and like to remind you how good you had it with them.

This is the kind of manipulation you see from a man beating his partner. He basically wants you to make you believe no one wants to be with you but him, so you'll be left with no other choice than to get back together with him.

 

So to answer your question, there are definitely enough real good guys out there. Much. Better. Guys.

 

That's exactly how it was. Glad to know there are better out there. I guess I just hope to find someone who will genuinely, unconditionally love me even without the romantic gestures and extras.

 

And to comment on an earlier post, yes, I think a balanced man would be better rather than one who is extreme.

BOREDouttaMymind Established Member

BOREDouttaMymind

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no no no no no. what your husband is saying is, "you 'better' not find someone like me". see? its all in the wording.

 

hes a dude. he knows theres guys out there better than him; hes just threatened by you finding him.

 

of course you can find someone to love you..even MORE than he did.

 

you see... just like Nazis did to the german community (no im not calling him a Nazi, but go with me), if you pound into someones head a lie, sooner or later its going to become a truth.

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beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

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Real good guys would say : Hey, this isn't working out for me but good luck with everything.

 

Wow, that was my rebound. This was his exact attitude when he broke it off. Then again, he wasn't really in love with me.

 

So my rebound seemed mature and good. Yet, didn't do any romantic/nice things or love me like my ex hubby.

 

Everyone has good and bad. No one is going to be exactly like my exhusband but |I may find a better man in other ways that has some good from both men. It's just trying to find one. What a crap shoot.

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beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

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Men who understand how to be romantic and then act on it are very rare.

 

 

Finding a replacement will be difficult if not impossible

 

Oh no! Great:(

 

I completely saw the difference with the romantic gestures between my exh and my rebound. WOW! On a scale from one to ten, exh was a 20, lol. Rebound was 2. He had no idea when or how to be. He made a funny comment one time. It was our first trip together --weekend getaway. He said after the trip, I was going to get champagne for us in our room. But never did. Nor did he do anything else thoughtful or romantic. We were together for five months at that point. Yes, some men get it, others don't. Exh was raised by very thoughtful parents. Rebound, very cold and abusive parents. That may play into it.

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beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

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You can't live you life staring in the rear view mirror like this.

 

The important point is that we learn and grow from our experiences and that we don't dwell on what was lost. Nothing can be perfect in this world.

 

 

Thank you for reminding me too. I have a hard time letting go of the past and not regretting decisions, especially when the present isn't going that great and you have doubts and fears of your future. But, yes, chin up and move forward. Easier said than done sometimes.

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beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

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of course you can find someone to love you..even MORE than he did.

 

you see... just like Nazis did to the german community (no im not calling him a Nazi, but go with me), if you pound into someones head a lie, sooner or later its going to become a truth.

 

That is so true. He didn't want me to leave and find someone better.

 

Thanks for the hope that I'll find someone. I have a lot of life to lie still, I'm sure in the next 40 years I'll find love again. A better love. Thank you:)

Meatballsmom Established Member

Meatballsmom

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I would kill for rose petals

 

 

My Ex thought a six pack, a bag of chips, and a porn tape was romantic

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beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

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I would kill for rose petals

 

 

My Ex thought a six pack, a bag of chips, and a porn tape was romantic

 

Hahaha, nice. My first date with my rebound was similar -- in his basement, beer in hand, watching an episode of Top Gear. Didn't even get his ass off the couch to greet me. Said "hey" and I sat down beside him. WTF was I thinking???? (The sex was phenomenal. hahaha.)

MissyM007 Member

MissyM007

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My exhusband and I met when we were 15 years old and became best friends. Only he felt more for me and always loved and wanted to be in a relationship with me. But I didn't. We were the best of friends instead. He was always there for me, supporting me, through tough times with friends and bullies in high school. He did everything for me. He was very caring and selfless, thoughtful, curteous. Was always able to lift my spirits. He was kind and gentle. One day in our early 20s, we both ended long term relationships with other people and were dating other people casually. And we started hanging out more. Then we decided to date because of what wonderful people we were and our strong bond. He did many thoughtful, sentimental, romantic things/gestures for me. We were so affectionate and loving. Example: he'd drive far and wide to be with me and give me a kiss on the first snow fall of the winter; he cleans my car off of snow in the winter; he left me and our friends at the campfire at night in the forest to drive to town 20 minutes away to get me candy cause I was craving it; rose petals/candles during lovemaking; soup brought to me when sick; the list goes on and on. He always told me how much he loved me and listed all the ways I was a wonderful a person in his eyes. We got married. During the marriage he had the same qualities. Loved me to death. Sacrificed and was usually willing to sacrifice a lot for me. We had 3 girls together who are the love of our lives. Domestic life was stressful on our marriage and we also neglectied our relationship for the kids. Plus, for all the good in him, there was bad. He was insecure, controlling and aggressive, and sometimes violent if I pushed an issue with him. We divorced after 13 years. The last year we tried counseling and didn't help. He felt he didn't need to change. And I couldn't continue as we had been so I initiated the divorce. He says that I'll never find anyone as good as him, or anyone who will love me as much as him, and that I will regret it. Then I have a rebound relationship with a whirlwind courtship. Lots of passion. Amazing. But I kept comparing him to the good qualities in my exhusband. He didn't measure up. And after 6 months we broke up. Now I wonder, is my exhusband right?

 

Will I never find someone like him who will be just as in love with me and be just as good and nice to me?

 

Are there men out there like him, who have the same good qualities and will treat a woman like that? Or are they all taken? or jaded?

 

 

Tell him that he would be correct but he has not been a kind nice man for years and years so you're missing nothing!!!!!!!

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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Let go of "better". If you're comparing, it means you're still thinking of him, and he's still on your mind. Which is probably what he's aiming for, to taint all your future relationships. Don't let him.

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regine_phalange Established Member

regine_phalange

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He had to convince you to stay somehow, I guess. Dont take it seriously. It would be cuter if he said "no one will love you as much as I do" though. Makes for a more romantic sugarcoat.

NYWoman Established Member

NYWoman

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mbsmom, bc:

 

 

6-pack, chips, and porn, that was my second husband, for the last 15 years of my second marriage. And you forgot to add, he became a soldier of the revolution, a minute man, 5 minutes if I was lucky

 

 

uf

 

 

I am not really looking in the mirror, a couple of months after being caught, I woke up to what I had thrown away.

 

 

My first husband should have taught a class on advance sex. He was awesome between the sheets, an expert, not only was he romantic, but he knew a woman's body, her wants and desires, like no man I have met since. He could get me into another world, where my orgasms would come in waves, one right after the other. That is why he would bring a pitcher of cold water to bed with us.

 

 

On our wedding night, his goal was to give me 50 in one night, I lost track somewhere around 25

 

 

That is something that is hard to forget. Nobody else has come close.

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beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

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Let go of "better". If you're comparing, it means you're still thinking of him, and he's still on your mind. Which is probably what he's aiming for, to taint all your future relationships. Don't let him.

 

Wow, so true. How do I not let him taint my future relationships? How do you stop comparing? How do you appreciate and enjoy who you are with for the person they are? So hard.

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beyondcrushed Established Member

beyondcrushed

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mbsmom, bc:

 

 

6-pack, chips, and porn, that was my second husband, for the last 15 years of my second marriage. And you forgot to add, he became a soldier of the revolution, a minute man, 5 minutes if I was lucky

 

 

uf

 

 

I am not really looking in the mirror, a couple of months after being caught, I woke up to what I had thrown away.

 

 

My first husband should have taught a class on advance sex. He was awesome between the sheets, an expert, not only was he romantic, but he knew a woman's body, her wants and desires, like no man I have met since. He could get me into another world, where my orgasms would come in waves, one right after the other. That is why he would bring a pitcher of cold water to bed with us.

 

 

On our wedding night, his goal was to give me 50 in one night, I lost track somewhere around 25

 

 

That is something that is hard to forget. Nobody else has come close.

 

So hard not to compare. I guess you have to decide what is a deal breaker and what you really want. If the next guy you meet doesn't have those things you want, move on. And never look back. Never compare. But its tough trying to find someone and so easy to settle?

GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

Posted
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That's exactly how it was. Glad to know there are better out there. I guess I just hope to find someone who will genuinely, unconditionally love me even without the romantic gestures and extras.

 

And to comment on an earlier post, yes, I think a balanced man would be better rather than one who is extreme.

 

Don't me wrong - romantic gestures are great! It's the sense of 'you owe me now that I did this for you' that bother.

Romanticism is completely selfless.

happydate Established Member

happydate

Posted
Posted (edited)
My exhusband and I met when we were 15 years old and became best friends. Only he felt more for me and always loved and wanted to be in a relationship with me. But I didn't. We were the best of friends instead. He was always there for me, supporting me, through tough times with friends and bullies in high school. He did everything for me. He was very caring and selfless, thoughtful, curteous. Was always able to lift my spirits. He was kind and gentle. One day in our early 20s, we both ended long term relationships with other people and were dating other people casually. And we started hanging out more. Then we decided to date because of what wonderful people we were and our strong bond. He did many thoughtful, sentimental, romantic things/gestures for me. We were so affectionate and loving. Example: he'd drive far and wide to be with me and give me a kiss on the first snow fall of the winter; he cleans my car off of snow in the winter; he left me and our friends at the campfire at night in the forest to drive to town 20 minutes away to get me candy cause I was craving it; rose petals/candles during lovemaking; soup brought to me when sick; the list goes on and on. He always told me how much he loved me and listed all the ways I was a wonderful a person in his eyes. We got married. During the marriage he had the same qualities. Loved me to death. Sacrificed and was usually willing to sacrifice a lot for me. We had 3 girls together who are the love of our lives. Domestic life was stressful on our marriage and we also neglectied our relationship for the kids. Plus, for all the good in him, there was bad. He was insecure, controlling and aggressive, and sometimes violent if I pushed an issue with him. We divorced after 13 years. The last year we tried counseling and didn't help. He felt he didn't need to change. And I couldn't continue as we had been so I initiated the divorce. He says that I'll never find anyone as good as him, or anyone who will love me as much as him, and that I will regret it. Then I have a rebound relationship with a whirlwind courtship. Lots of passion. Amazing. But I kept comparing him to the good qualities in my exhusband. He didn't measure up. And after 6 months we broke up. Now I wonder, is my exhusband right?

 

Will I never find someone like him who will be just as in love with me and be just as good and nice to me?

 

Are there men out there like him, who have the same good qualities and will treat a woman like that? Or are they all taken? or jaded?

 

Yes and no..

 

One thing you need to recognise that the other person has the perfect right to be who he or she is. Just as we have been given freedom of choice, so have they and therefore it’s up to us to accept them as they are, and not up to them to change themselves to suit you. The plain truth is that the world is not designed to please us; it’s up to us to change ourselves and our attitude to attune to the world. The minute we give people the right to be themselves, we drop all expectations of them. We can’t have any, because we have no control over them. So what do we do with our feelings, reactions and general emotional mess? We take responsibility for them. They are our problem. We have to take ownership of them and process them within ourselves instead of spraying them all over the world. When we truly do this, we go deep within ourselves into the very depth of our being. There we lovingly receive our feelings, wants, needs, desires, anger, grief, in fact any mental movement. Through loving attention and acceptance we gradually assimilate our reactions within us and free ourselves of them.

 

None of us are free because we are all pulled and pushed by the relationships in our lives. They determine our moods, motives and actions. How then are we to be free of these factors and sail into relationships that are loving and beautiful, but not coercive? How can we relate to people in freedom?

 

So your ex-husband is right. You will never find a person like him because he did not give you freedom, because both of you did not give each other freedom.

 

Him for doing things so nice to exact a favourable response out of you (that's coercion/manipulation) to protect him from criticism and you not accepting who he really is and trying to control him to make changes to suit you. So both of you are playing power plays to control each other. He's angry at you and you're angry at him.

 

In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle talks about the irony of experiencing pain in a love relationship. How can it be love?

 

When I said no. I simply meant that when you accept a new man for who he really is, than there is love. You will not experience the pain in a love relationship because you appreciate the new man and you don't compare. You don't have to because you are emotionally free. If you still do, then you are not!

 

You need to remember that other men are not dating or married to your man, so of course they may not have the most purest interest in their heart to help you maintain the relationship with your man. It's the same like asking real estate agents to see if there was a housing bubble in 2003-2005 in the US of A and pretty much everyone said NO.

 

The truth in loving relationships is about 2 individuals who agree to be together learning lessons about acceptance, to grow together and to transcend together over the balls of chain of emotional turmoil of ourself who refuse to accept the other party for who he or she really is. So unless you accept yourself for who you are and are free not to judge others, stay alone and reflect upon yourself and the world. When you are ready to love again, you will and you will not bother comparing your new man with your ex because by then, you will truly realize that you are free and you will ultimately able to prove your ex-husband wrong.

Edited by happydate
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