I love & miss a man who is not good for me.

[hermitinator]

I was the one that ended the two-year relationship, but I still feel devastated and heartbroken. Even when I acknowledge and know that he is not right for me. I never saw a future with him, but we did have more conversations about "coming home" to each other in the recent last weeks and months.

 

 

I understand that I will find another man, that I will love again. What I struggle with is if I will be able to recreate or find the incredible intimacy and connection that I have had with him. This is the first man that I have loved and I feel that I will always love him; we both feel that we are life partners. We both want each other in our life continuously.

 

 

Our break-up manifested due to circumstances but also behavior. In this two year relationship, we have had our rollercoaster ride, but for the most part, it has been delightful. Not so delightful that it made me want to try again.

 

 

He is a functioning alcoholic; there hasn't been a time that I came down to visit him (we both don't have cars or a place of our own; thus, travel time is a lot longer than desirable) that he wasn't either drunk or high. Maybe once he was actually sober. He will be drunk during the day and the week; this is why I do not see a future with him because I don't want to be around a person who is consistently drunk. I am a fan of alcohol and occasionally give myself permission to become drunk, but even then, there is a pattern to his alcoholism. He has admitted that he is an alcoholic; he had to go through an Alcoholic Help Group (I don't know what it's called), but through the whole time he was drunk and when he needed to be tested, he would flush his system beforehand. The reason that I call him a functioning alcoholic is because he is not abusive so I have never found his alcoholism to be a problem, in the sense that it never changed his personality. There was a few months in the relationship, before I graduated college (in which had initiated a one-to-two week break in order to figure out if we wanted to work on this relationship) that whenever we would drink, we would get drunk and then always have drunk arguments in public areas. In the morning, I would be ashamed. And we would talk about this, but there was never a change. We tried to stick to two drinks whenever we did drink, but we slowly went back to how we used to be, but the drunk arguments ceased.

 

 

That in itself should have been a warning sign when I first started dating him. And is a reminder of why he isn't good for me. Thus, I don't need to go back to him.

 

 

I have had small problems with the relationship as well. Such as communication, which I have tried to address in the past. He always talks over me or has not listened to what I needed at the time and instead acted as my psychologist (felt he needed to fix me, tell me what was wrong with me when what I needed was compassion and understanding).

 

 

With all of that, he also has a criminal record on really stupid idiotic actions. In August, he was arrested for public drinking. This was also the time that I confronted that I wasn't satisfied in the relationship, but we had agreed that we still loved each other and were willing to work for it the day before he was arrested. He is unable to find a job because of his background record as well as he has ideals that he does not follow through with. Such as, he wants to be a film director, but he is not making any actions as to create this kind of future for himself. He is like a boy-child, drinking constantly and making rash decisions under alcohols influence with his friends.

 

 

The difficulty is that he agrees with me when I have confronted all these issues, that he wants to give me what I need, wants to create a future with him. His actions say otherwise.

 

 

It is unbearable because I finally found a man who I love and who loves me, who understands me, who challenges me but also gives me time to recharge as an introvert, we have a beautiful love story, we have amazing chemistry, intimacy and connection.

 

 

It is hard to let go because I know we could have a future, that he wants a future with me, and I am worried that I won't be able to have this overpowering and telepathic intimacy and connection with another man that I have had with my current ex-partner. That this is a one-time interaction.

Edited December 20, 2013 by hermitinator

[legion113]

Alcoholics get worse with time, unless they really want to get better. The person you fell in love with is only there when he's drinking. It may not be the same person when he's sober. The fact that you can't control yourself when you drink with him means that you both will be going down the toilet together sooner or later. You say he loves you, tell him it's either you or alcohol, and you'll find out real fast who he loves more.

[hermitinator]

Alcoholics get worse with time, unless they really want to get better. The person you fell in love with is only there when he's drinking. It may not be the same person when he's sober. The fact that you can't control yourself when you drink with him means that you both will be going down the toilet together sooner or later. You say he loves you, tell him it's either you or alcohol, and you'll find out real fast who he loves more.

 

 

 

I understand what you are saying. The alcohol actually isn't the problem, but I understand that it can become and will be the problem. My mom told me, it will be this, but exemplified even more when I start planning a future / living with him. I don't need advice on leaving, I know that this is the right decision in the long run; that if it isn't now, it would be later (in which case, it would be a lot harder to deal with if we were to foolishly decide to share a home together).

 

 

I find it foolish and unbearable that one can love a man who is plainly not good for me. It makes it harder to get over someone when you don't have a reason to be mad at them.

[legion113]

I understand what you are saying. The alcohol actually isn't the problem, but I understand that it can become and will be the problem. My mom told me, it will be this, but exemplified even more when I start planning a future / living with him. I don't need advice on leaving, I know that this is the right decision in the long run; that if it isn't now, it would be later (in which case, it would be a lot harder to deal with if we were to foolishly decide to share a home together).

 

 

I find it foolish and unbearable that one can love a man who is plainly not good for me. It makes it harder to get over someone when you don't have a reason to be mad at them.

 

 

Well I think everyone here feels that way, we've all been dumped, and some of us don't know why. The fact that we were dumped is evidence enough that the other person is not good for us, and yet here we all are struggling to come to terms with the fact that someone didn't love us back, and we are in pain because we still love them.

[Haydn]

Hi i can relate to this. I was with a girl in my last year at uni who was a functioning alcoholic. It was a pretty good relationship,but after uni things went down hill, she got worse and went from functioning to just want to crack on drinking through the day. We had many talks about how she could stop or cut down. But in the end it was the drink or me. I couldn`t carry her any longer. The relationship was actually great but i saw no future. I think you made the right choice. Take care.

 

 

I was the one that ended the two-year relationship, but I still feel devastated and heartbroken. Even when I acknowledge and know that he is not right for me. I never saw a future with him, but we did have more conversations about "coming home" to each other in the recent last weeks and months.

 

 

I understand that I will find another man, that I will love again. What I struggle with is if I will be able to recreate or find the incredible intimacy and connection that I have had with him. This is the first man that I have loved and I feel that I will always love him; we both feel that we are life partners. We both want each other in our life continuously.

 

 

Our break-up manifested due to circumstances but also behavior. In this two year relationship, we have had our rollercoaster ride, but for the most part, it has been delightful. Not so delightful that it made me want to try again.

 

 

He is a functioning alcoholic; there hasn't been a time that I came down to visit him (we both don't have cars or a place of our own; thus, travel time is a lot longer than desirable) that he wasn't either drunk or high. Maybe once he was actually sober. He will be drunk during the day and the week; this is why I do not see a future with him because I don't want to be around a person who is consistently drunk. I am a fan of alcohol and occasionally give myself permission to become drunk, but even then, there is a pattern to his alcoholism. He has admitted that he is an alcoholic; he had to go through an Alcoholic Help Group (I don't know what it's called), but through the whole time he was drunk and when he needed to be tested, he would flush his system beforehand. The reason that I call him a functioning alcoholic is because he is not abusive so I have never found his alcoholism to be a problem, in the sense that it never changed his personality. There was a few months in the relationship, before I graduated college (in which had initiated a one-to-two week break in order to figure out if we wanted to work on this relationship) that whenever we would drink, we would get drunk and then always have drunk arguments in public areas. In the morning, I would be ashamed. And we would talk about this, but there was never a change. We tried to stick to two drinks whenever we did drink, but we slowly went back to how we used to be, but the drunk arguments ceased.

 

 

That in itself should have been a warning sign when I first started dating him. And is a reminder of why he isn't good for me. Thus, I don't need to go back to him.

 

 

I have had small problems with the relationship as well. Such as communication, which I have tried to address in the past. He always talks over me or has not listened to what I needed at the time and instead acted as my psychologist (felt he needed to fix me, tell me what was wrong with me when what I needed was compassion and understanding).

 

 

With all of that, he also has a criminal record on really stupid idiotic actions. In August, he was arrested for public drinking. This was also the time that I confronted that I wasn't satisfied in the relationship, but we had agreed that we still loved each other and were willing to work for it the day before he was arrested. He is unable to find a job because of his background record as well as he has ideals that he does not follow through with. Such as, he wants to be a film director, but he is not making any actions as to create this kind of future for himself. He is like a boy-child, drinking constantly and making rash decisions under alcohols influence with his friends.

 

 

The difficulty is that he agrees with me when I have confronted all these issues, that he wants to give me what I need, wants to create a future with him. His actions say otherwise.

 

 

It is unbearable because I finally found a man who I love and who loves me, who understands me, who challenges me but also gives me time to recharge as an introvert, we have a beautiful love story, we have amazing chemistry, intimacy and connection.

 

 

It is hard to let go because I know we could have a future, that he wants a future with me, and I am worried that I won't be able to have this overpowering and telepathic intimacy and connection with another man that I have had with my current ex-partner. That this is a one-time interaction.

[headinthecloud]

I read somewhere that RSs are built on a connection defined by similarities in desired personal characteristics. In other words, you see parts of yourself in him and he also has some qualities that you think are complimentary to fulfilling your needs. But in your case he seems to possess far too many characteristics that you instinctively know will countermind the "good qualities" you share and, in time, the "battle" will only become worse. It's an imbalance within your dynamic that will never go away without tremendous emotional growth, on both your parts.

 

I find it foolish and unbearable that one can love a man who is plainly not good for me. It makes it harder to get over someone when you don't have a reason to be mad at them.

[hermitinator]

Well I think everyone here feels that way, we've all been dumped, and some of us don't know why. The fact that we were dumped is evidence enough that the other person is not good for us, and yet here we all are struggling to come to terms with the fact that someone didn't love us back, and we are in pain because we still love them.

 

 

I was the dumper, not the dumped, but same scenario in the end.

[hermitinator]

Thank you everyone for commenting and your advice. I already knew I made the right decision, but I just wanted to feel better about the situation (as I feel it's a little bit different than him not loving me; he loves me and I love him).

 

 

We talked last night for an hour and I haven't wavered from my decision. I didn't ask him outright, "it's alcohol or me", but I have my answer which is: "I am not going to stop my alcoholism any time soon / for a long time".

 

 

Ironically, it's not the alcoholism that was initiated as the problem at first, but he said himself that he felt that he made the relationship more about him than about me.

 

 

We both feel right now is not the right time for us to be dating considering, for the most part, he doesn't have his **** together. We both hope to come back to each other and rekindle the romance as friends or as lovers in the future.

 

 

We agreed to think more about the relationship and come back with clear heads if we are on the verge of working on it. Although, I do want to work on the relationship; I know that this would be a faulty decision and foolish. He understands this and wants me to think about what I want and be selfish.

 

 

Basically, we both came to the same agreement and are both frustrated for the same reasons (we can't be together, not because we don't love each other anymore, but because of the circumstances and behavioral).