Hi! New here. Could really use someone to talk to

[Jordan2345]

Sheesh. Where to begin.

 

I met a girl last year during this time through a mutual friend. She took immediate interest, but being as how we both recently got out of relationships, I wanted to take things slow. I sent her a text that night saying, "I really like you, but I'm not ready for anything serious at the moment". She was on the same page. So, we dated for about a month.

 

In January of last year, it was clear that we both really liked each other. It was at the point where I would go home during the week, and I would stay at her place over the weekend. Sundays always left us with such sadness to say goodbye for a week.

 

So a couple months of doing that, resulted in me staying at her place during the week sometimes, too. We were pretty much bf/gf but without the title, as I still wasn't in a spot to enter a "relationship".

 

Now we're in Mach. I find out that she went on a date with someone. No biggie as we weren't together technically, but it still upset me a little that she didn't tell me about it. I found out through a mutual friend. When I asked about it, she told me everything. No biggie.

 

April/May roll around and she has a major operation. It was at this point that the thought of losing her crept in, and I decided to ask her to be my girlfriend after she had her time to heal. I asked, she said yes. Everything was beautiful. Up until that point, we were almost fwb as we weren't "official" but we both knew we wanted more. Anyway.

 

It was never really talked about, but I somehow ended up pretty much moving in. I was there for her during her time of need as she needed care. It felt good to be the one she sought comfort in.

 

June/July. "Honeymoon phase". Wow wow wow. Life was perfect. We couldn't get enough of each other.

 

August. I start becoming a bit "controlling". With her health issues, I'm constantly worried about her, and don't like it when I see her drink/smoke. At this time I also start being a **** and not being able to let go that she had went out with someone in March. It wasn't so much she did it, but that she didn't tell me about it. I now don't really care, but at the time I had problems letting it go.

 

September. I see in her actions/way she talks to me that she's losing interest- and quickly. So I instead of offering space, attempt to be "nice" by showering her with gifts, and random acts of kindness. I know now that all that was a mistake- I'm just explaining the situation.

 

October. Things are bad. Almost no intimacy. When there was, she was not into it at all. I felt her slipping away, and naturally (wrongly) decided to stengthen my grip. Of course, this pushes her away even further.

 

November. She goes back into the hospital, and is in there for 3 weeks. During this time I was lonely, and am constantly worried about her. I tell her that, and it's obvious that she doesn't care too much about the way I feel. I understand going through this, but there was a time when she'd move mountains to understand me. So, for three weeks I walk a thin line of caring about someone I love and is facing health issues, knowing a break up was inevitable. Talk about torture. Anyway. She leaves the hospital 3 weeks later and wants to stay at her parents house for a while. Understandable. 3 days go by and when I ask her about coming home, she gets upset that I don't care about what she wants. I told her I do, but I'm just lonely and miss cuddling. Needless to say, during the following week I become extremely needy, clingy, and nothing short of obsessive. Our only physical company was me going to her parents house and we'd watch a movie then I'd leave. Hesitant to kiss or even hug. I know for certain she's going to break up with me. Thanksgiving, she invites me to her parents house, and I've never seen her this distant. The next day, she says she wants to end the relationship, because I am too smothering, and she doesn't feel the same as she used to. I know I was, but I didn't see it then. Obsessed minds don't think to clearly. I immediately begin to cry for a few minutes. I then collet myself and tell her that I can't imagine life without her, and she says she's sorry, but she feels too smothered. Completely lacking apathy to me. It hurt. Not even willing to talk about things. We see each other a couple times while I'm getting my stuff out and what not. It was clear that she'd rather be anywhere else then dealing with me. I leave her apartment, and that's that. I told her I'd let her come to me if she wants to talk because I still love you, and want to know you're ok.

 

A week of no contact goes by. I sent her a text saying to pick a time when she's ready for me to get the rest of my things, and to possibly grab lunch or something. I also told her that she did us a favor by ending things because I had time to step back and see just how crazy I was acting by smothering her when she needed rest. I said sorry at the end of the text for bothering her when it was clear that she didn't want much to do with me. I get an almost immediate response saying it's not that she doesn't want much to do with me, but she just needed time. I said I understand. She texted right back and said "I'm fine now". So I asked her to pick a day, and almost immediately, I get the same apathetic responses. I backed off. She sent a text the next day saying how she saw on FB I was talking to an old flame. It was obvious she was jealous, and I hurt her ego by "getting over her" so quickly. She was flat out taken aback that I didn't plead to be with her. She even sent a text saying "why don't you want to be us again". I ignored it, because I do want that, but I dont want her to know that because she seems interested when I say I'm not. It's a childish game- but it's how it is, unfortunately.

 

As it stands now, she has agreed for me to pick her up Christmas evening and attend a party that mutual friends are hosting that we were both invited to. She said, "I don't really want to go, but I will".

 

I honestly love this girl with every inch of my being. What I want, is to go back to the way things were- and not what they had become. Smothering and controlling are so not me. I just thought I found the one, and I didn't know how to handle it. I failed.

 

Think there's a shot here? I'd really value some input from an outsiders perspective. If any additional info is needed, or you have questions, I'm happy to oblige.

 

Thanks in advance for any and all input. Happy Holidays.

[ccgw]

I've been there. Have you checked out Exaholics.com? I found that site to be very helpful.

[sportzhl24]

It's funny because I met my ex last year around the same time. We even broke up around the same time that you guys were having troubles, and for almost the same reasons. She told me I was being possessive, and smothering her. I thought I had found somebody truly one of a kind and special, and like you, I didn't know how to deal with it. Appreciate the fact that you guys are still in contact, and that she's still somewhat hanging on, because it was less than a week after my break up that my ex was gone forever. Anyways, I would tread very lightly in this situation. Do not pressure her AT ALL. If you are gonna pick her up for that christmas party, play it very casually. She is obviously very tender at this point and she needs to see that you can be aware enough to give her the space she needs. Don't try too hard. Go with the flow. Don't make her jealous, but at the same time, don't make yourself completely available. Because the more she recognizes that you're just waiting around for her, the more she is going to retract.

[sportzhl24]

Also, don't let her play games with you. If she continues to show bits of interest, then disinterest, then interest, etc, back off completely. If you back off, it will pressure her to be more straightforward with you. I hope this helps

[Jordan2345]

Thanks so much for the advice!

 

I definitely plan to just go with the flow if this happens. I fear she will cancel for some reason. I can say that I'll be absolutely crushed if she were to do this and I would probably try to start forgetting about her.

 

So it's like I want to say a little nice something here and there, but I don't want to bother her. If I don't talk I can't do anything stupid, but on the other hand, by not talking, she might regret her decision. Gah!

[Jordan2345]

I so badly want to talk to her.

[winny]

Aww... don't feel so bad.

I don't know why she is behaving this way when you obviously love her so much.

I hope things work out. But do not let her play you.

Take a step back and don't be too available.

[Jordan2345]

Aww... don't feel so bad.

I don't know why she is behaving this way when you obviously love her so much.

I hope things work out. But do not let her play you.

Take a step back and don't be too available.

 

Thank you.

 

The only reason I can think is that I probably looked like a desperate person. She knows I love her and would do anything for her. It's really upsetting that she can just totally not seem to care. Even if a relationship doesn't work out, I can't imagine downright pushing someone away who cares so deeply for me. I almost have a "brotherly love" for her- in the sense that I would literally do anything to help her.

[winny]

Thank you.

 

The only reason I can think is that I probably looked like a desperate person. She knows I love her and would do anything for her. It's really upsetting that she can just totally not seem to care. Even if a relationship doesn't work out, I can't imagine downright pushing someone away who cares so deeply for me. I almost have a "brotherly love" for her- in the sense that I would literally do anything to help her.

 

Right now you have to be very slow and casual and let things flow naturally.

If shez meant to be with you... it will happen eventually.

Don't keep a lot of hope though... just let it be...

 

There was this guy in my life at one point, who I knew likes me a lot... but he wanted me to forget all my friends and only give him importance. And that put me off. Whenever I will spend time with my friends, he will be jealous. And one fine morning I woke up and I was like - I don't want this person in my life. It is so suffocating. He is not a bad person and I know he was hurt but I had to get away from him coz what he was doing was not healthy and it was affecting me in a negative way.

 

So you being possessive and controlling might have put her off big time.

Because she is still talking to you, means you still have some chance. So give it your best.

[Conners]

Sheesh. Where to begin.

 

I met a girl last year during this time through a mutual friend. She took immediate interest, but being as how we both recently got out of relationships, I wanted to take things slow. I sent her a text that night saying, "I really like you, but I'm not ready for anything serious at the moment". She was on the same page. So, we dated for about a month.

 

In January of last year, it was clear that we both really liked each other. It was at the point where I would go home during the week, and I would stay at her place over the weekend. Sundays always left us with such sadness to say goodbye for a week.

 

So a couple months of doing that, resulted in me staying at her place during the week sometimes, too. We were pretty much bf/gf but without the title, as I still wasn't in a spot to enter a "relationship".

 

Now we're in Mach. I find out that she went on a date with someone. No biggie as we weren't together technically, but it still upset me a little that she didn't tell me about it. I found out through a mutual friend. When I asked about it, she told me everything. No biggie.

 

April/May roll around and she has a major operation. It was at this point that the thought of losing her crept in, and I decided to ask her to be my girlfriend after she had her time to heal. I asked, she said yes. Everything was beautiful. Up until that point, we were almost fwb as we weren't "official" but we both knew we wanted more. Anyway.

 

It was never really talked about, but I somehow ended up pretty much moving in. I was there for her during her time of need as she needed care. It felt good to be the one she sought comfort in.

 

June/July. "Honeymoon phase". Wow wow wow. Life was perfect. We couldn't get enough of each other.

 

August. I start becoming a bit "controlling". With her health issues, I'm constantly worried about her, and don't like it when I see her drink/smoke. At this time I also start being a **** and not being able to let go that she had went out with someone in March. It wasn't so much she did it, but that she didn't tell me about it. I now don't really care, but at the time I had problems letting it go.

 

September. I see in her actions/way she talks to me that she's losing interest- and quickly. So I instead of offering space, attempt to be "nice" by showering her with gifts, and random acts of kindness. I know now that all that was a mistake- I'm just explaining the situation.

 

October. Things are bad. Almost no intimacy. When there was, she was not into it at all. I felt her slipping away, and naturally (wrongly) decided to stengthen my grip. Of course, this pushes her away even further.

 

November. She goes back into the hospital, and is in there for 3 weeks. During this time I was lonely, and am constantly worried about her. I tell her that, and it's obvious that she doesn't care too much about the way I feel. I understand going through this, but there was a time when she'd move mountains to understand me. So, for three weeks I walk a thin line of caring about someone I love and is facing health issues, knowing a break up was inevitable. Talk about torture. Anyway. She leaves the hospital 3 weeks later and wants to stay at her parents house for a while. Understandable. 3 days go by and when I ask her about coming home, she gets upset that I don't care about what she wants. I told her I do, but I'm just lonely and miss cuddling. Needless to say, during the following week I become extremely needy, clingy, and nothing short of obsessive. Our only physical company was me going to her parents house and we'd watch a movie then I'd leave. Hesitant to kiss or even hug. I know for certain she's going to break up with me. Thanksgiving, she invites me to her parents house, and I've never seen her this distant. The next day, she says she wants to end the relationship, because I am too smothering, and she doesn't feel the same as she used to. I know I was, but I didn't see it then. Obsessed minds don't think to clearly. I immediately begin to cry for a few minutes. I then collet myself and tell her that I can't imagine life without her, and she says she's sorry, but she feels too smothered. Completely lacking apathy to me. It hurt. Not even willing to talk about things. We see each other a couple times while I'm getting my stuff out and what not. It was clear that she'd rather be anywhere else then dealing with me. I leave her apartment, and that's that. I told her I'd let her come to me if she wants to talk because I still love you, and want to know you're ok.

 

A week of no contact goes by. I sent her a text saying to pick a time when she's ready for me to get the rest of my things, and to possibly grab lunch or something. I also told her that she did us a favor by ending things because I had time to step back and see just how crazy I was acting by smothering her when she needed rest. I said sorry at the end of the text for bothering her when it was clear that she didn't want much to do with me. I get an almost immediate response saying it's not that she doesn't want much to do with me, but she just needed time. I said I understand. She texted right back and said "I'm fine now". So I asked her to pick a day, and almost immediately, I get the same apathetic responses. I backed off. She sent a text the next day saying how she saw on FB I was talking to an old flame. It was obvious she was jealous, and I hurt her ego by "getting over her" so quickly. She was flat out taken aback that I didn't plead to be with her. She even sent a text saying "why don't you want to be us again". I ignored it, because I do want that, but I dont want her to know that because she seems interested when I say I'm not. It's a childish game- but it's how it is, unfortunately.

 

As it stands now, she has agreed for me to pick her up Christmas evening and attend a party that mutual friends are hosting that we were both invited to. She said, "I don't really want to go, but I will".

 

I honestly love this girl with every inch of my being. What I want, is to go back to the way things were- and not what they had become. Smothering and controlling are so not me. I just thought I found the one, and I didn't know how to handle it. I failed.

 

Think there's a shot here? I'd really value some input from an outsiders perspective. If any additional info is needed, or you have questions, I'm happy to oblige.

 

Thanks in advance for any and all input. Happy Holidays.

 

She doesn't love you anymore. You sound EXACTLY like my ex boyfriend and you acted the exact same way he used to (smothering, clingy etc) I know you did it out of love as he did but yes it pushed me away to the point where I broke up with him.

I didn't want to get back together with him but he started dating about a month after begging and pleading etc and I admit I msged him and acting jealous, because I was. I didn't want him back though, still don't and never will.

[d0nnivain]

I understand why this woman broke up with you.

 

You were her BF, not her doctor, not her mother. She has an illness & you tried to dictate how she's lives her life. She's in the hospital for 3 weeks -- which is a very lengthy stay considering that after a heart attack you can get out in 2 weeks & they send you home in 3 days for major back surgery. While she's there you whine about being lonely. Boo-f'ing-hoo for you. She's in genuine medical danger.

 

Since she has agreed to go to this party with you, if you are serious about rebuilding this relationship, you have to show her that you changed. Make it all about her. What does she want? What makes her happy? Do not mention one thing about what you want / need. If smothering & controlling is not you, then be who you are because those things are what made her run.

[Jordan2345]

I understand why this woman broke up with you.

 

You were her BF, not her doctor, not her mother. She has an illness & you tried to dictate how she's lives her life. She's in the hospital for 3 weeks -- which is a very lengthy stay considering that after a heart attack you can get out in 2 weeks & they send you home in 3 days for major back surgery. While she's there you whine about being lonely. Boo-f'ing-hoo for you. She's in genuine medical danger.

 

Since she has agreed to go to this party with you, if you are serious about rebuilding this relationship, you have to show her that you changed. Make it all about her. What does she want? What makes her happy? Do not mention one thing about what you want / need. If smothering & controlling is not you, then be who you are because those things are what made her run.

 

I get that. I really do. Personally, it is not within me to be ok with someone I care about hurting themselves.

[d0nnivain]

I get that. I really do. Personally, it is not within me to be ok with someone I care about hurting themselves.

 

 

Then you may not be compatible because I think it's unrealistic to expect her to stop smoking & drinking just because you say she should. I'm not saying that both activities don't have health risks but you don't get to make those choices for her. If you can't let her live her life, you can't be her BF.

[Jordan2345]

Then you may not be compatible because I think it's unrealistic to expect her to stop smoking & drinking just because you say she should. I'm not saying that both activities don't have health risks but you don't get to make those choices for her. If you can't let her live her life, you can't be her BF.

 

I can respect that viewpoint. It's her liver. Doctors, her parents, nobody wants to see her drink. I can't say how many times she thanked me for "waking her up". It was never a source of conflict...always a mature cool conversation. She did dial it back quite a bit which I told her she should thank herself for.

 

It's so hard caring so much and them not. Gah.

 

Thanks for your opinions (and everyone else) I don't have any friends here, so it is nice to vent.

[d0nnivain]

If it's her liver I can see why everyone wants her to stop drinking. I couldn't watch that either but you can't make her change. I think you know that.

 

 

So your choices are watch . . . or walk away. I picked walked away when a friend of mind went so far as to develop jaundice from drinking too much. He stopped for a while & I tried to be supportive . . .offering activities that didn't involve drinking. It didn't take; he's back on the bottle & hiding from everyone. The last time I saw him I told him I didn't want a front row seat to his suicide.

[winny]

If it's her liver I can see why everyone wants her to stop drinking. I couldn't watch that either but you can't make her change. I think you know that.

 

 

So your choices are watch . . . or walk away. I picked walked away when a friend of mind went so far as to develop jaundice from drinking too much. He stopped for a while & I tried to be supportive . . .offering activities that didn't involve drinking. It didn't take; he's back on the bottle & hiding from everyone. The last time I saw him I told him I didn't want a front row seat to his suicide.

 

Agree.

 

Doesn't look like she is going to change her drinking and smoking ways...

Her parents also want her to stop, right? Seems like she isn't listening to them either. Nor she is responsible enough for her own health.........

 

So even if you do not say anything to her... would you be able to continue seeing her drinking and smoking away and damaging her health more and more? Will you feel happy then? And if you are not happy, your relationship will get affected.

 

As of now, I cannot say whether she will give you another chance or not. But if she did, remember that it's not gonna be very different, even if you are not clingy. You would keep on struggling with your feelings which will bottle up inside you, which you cannot tell her because you might look as clingy...

 

So all this effort that you will put... I am not sure if that's gonna be of any use n the long run....

[Jordan2345]

Agree.

 

Doesn't look like she is going to change her drinking and smoking ways...

Her parents also want her to stop, right? Seems like she isn't listening to them either. Nor she is responsible enough for her own health.........

 

So even if you do not say anything to her... would you be able to continue seeing her drinking and smoking away and damaging her health more and more? Will you feel happy then? And if you are not happy, your relationship will get affected.

 

As of now, I cannot say whether she will give you another chance or not. But if she did, remember that it's not gonna be very different, even if you are not clingy. You would keep on struggling with your feelings which will bottle up inside you, which you cannot tell her because you might look as clingy...

 

So all this effort that you will put... I am not sure if that's gonna be of any use n the long run....

 

Initially it was bad. Binge drinking 4 nights a week. I didn't care initially because my feelings weren't there. Fast forward 6 months, and she'd only go out a few times a month. She definitely dialed it way down and expressed gratitude all the time. I'm worried now that she'll revert to her old ways. It'll be a shame, but not my worry at the moment (this is my brain, not my heart talking). My heart wants to ensure she lives a healthy lifestyle for herself. Brain is wining so that's good.

 

I sent her a text saying that I hope you're feeling ok. She said she's been better and thanked me for my concern. I responded by saying you're welcome, and she responded with a smiley face. I'm going to leave it alone for now as that seemed positive.

[Jordan2345]

This is so dang hard.