Amelia81 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 I've been a bit cautious about posting this but I need some clarity on what has happened recently. I only joined the company four months ago but already knew my boss through the industry we work in although had barely met before I approached him about the job. We are only a year apart in age (thirties) so its easy to find common ground and get on well. Never been any flirting but its a relaxed office and there are some good working friendships amongst colleagues. He is married with a small child, I am single. As far as I was concerned he was happily married, his W used to work there, that's how they met (I don't know her) and when I told him a while ago a mutual ex colleague had left his family for a woman he worked with he was really shocked and disappointed and said he'd lost respect for this man. So it never occurred to me he could be the unfaithful type. So when we were at the Xmas do three weeks ago and we were spending a lot of time in each other's company, it did get flirty but I didn't think any lines were going to be crossed. I did think he was being a bit touchy feely (arm around my waist, holding my hand to take me to the dance floor, prolonged hand on shoulder) but I really thought I was reading too much into it. I don't have a massive amount of self esteem so regardless of his status I would find it hard to believe he could find me attractive anyway. At the end of the night after a fair bit of alcohol we found ourselves alone and he mumbles something about us having a connection and we are aware he shouldn't be saying it so decide its time to go but as we are about to head out he decides to kiss me, full on but not for long and I allowed it to happen. I was absolutely stunned by it and freaked out a bit but he said forget about it and he was being given a lift home so had to go. I sat on my own and cried for nearly an hour though I instantly felt rejected because he is unavailable. He was very apologetic in the days that followed, but the way he was with me the next ten days I was certain he was attracted to me but he didn't pursue anything and we never discussed in detail, just said we should forget it. The past week though he seems more distant and it's affecting work as I feel I can't approach him - that's another story and one I will address at work tomorrow. I guess what I'm struggling to understand though, is what kind of 'cheat' / person is he? Do some married people just snog people when they are drunk with no desire to take further? Could it be a one off genuine mistake that he really does just want to forget? He was apologetic to me but at no time did he seem remorseful towards his family, not in front of me anyway. If it was the first time it had happened would he have been more worried about repercussions? He only seemed worried about me! I really don't want to get involved with him, I'm glad he's not pursuing anything, but at the same time I would hate to think I was one of many he has done this with and I'd just been sucked in by him in some way. I've always had a lot of respect for him and I don't want to lose that, if I can't respect my boss then work would be very hard and it's my dream job at the moment, there is nothing else I'd rather be doing.
d0nnivain Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Office holiday parties fueled by alcohol are notorious for this kind of junk. I'd never bring it up again & go out of my way not to be alone with him & never after hours. Unless he crosses the line again, I'd ignore it, consider it an unfortunate fluke & act like it never happened. (Notice I didn't say forget it happened because you will have to remain cautious around him forever). 3
blue963 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 A good opportunity to just "pretend" that you have no recollection of the event due to alcohol and just stay away. 1
Snipercatt Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 it did get flirty but I didn't think any lines were going to be crossed. I assume, by now, that you see flirting with a married colleague is crossing a line. Add in alcohol and more lines get crossed, etc. etc. I don't have a massive amount of self esteem You need to work on this, it makes you vulnerable in a way you can't afford to be vulnerable. I instantly felt rejected because he is unavailable. This is worth exploring on several levels. Knowing this about yourself, don't put yourself in a position to be rejected because a person is already unavailable. Do some married people just snog people when they are drunk with no desire to take further? Yes. Could it be a one off genuine mistake that he really does just want to forget? Yes. He was apologetic to me but at no time did he seem remorseful towards his family, not in front of me anyway. Do not read into anything about whether he is remorseful towards his family. This isn't your concern. If it was the first time it had happened would he have been more worried about repercussions? Some are, some aren't. only seemed worried about me! Words are only words. Don't read into them. Most likely he is most concerned about himself and what makes him feel good. Lesson learned. move on. I've always had a lot of respect for him and I don't want to lose that, Too late.
stillafool Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 I think you should just show up to work and worry about your work. Find a man who isn't married to be attracted to. 1
Quiet Storm Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 when I told him a while ago a mutual ex colleague had left his family for a woman he worked with he was really shocked and disappointed and said he'd lost respect for this man. So it never occurred to me he could be the unfaithful type There is a big difference between being unfaithful and a man leaving his family for another woman. Many men see divorce as a failure... but an affair is just "playing around". They view the meaning of commitment as staying with & providing for his wife. In most MM's minds, they can be unfaithful and still be committed to the family and marriage. (it's crazy, I know). Please do not take a married man's interest in an affair as a sign that he wants to leave his marriage. Most times, he just wants to supplement his wife, not replace her. I would tell him that what happened was inappropriate and that you are not interested in an affair. Being involved with him will bring you heartache, and it will also put your career at risk. 3
Author Amelia81 Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 There is a big difference between being unfaithful and a man leaving his family for another woman. Many men see divorce as a failure... but an affair is just "playing around". They view the meaning of commitment as staying with & providing for his wife. In most MM's minds, they can be unfaithful and still be committed to the family and marriage. (it's crazy, I know). Gosh this makes so much sense! I see the cheating as the shocking/unacceptable thing to do, not the leaving.
Quiet Storm Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Gosh this makes so much sense! I see the cheating as the shocking/unacceptable thing to do, not the leaving. Yes, but to a cheater, cheating isn't shocking. They rationalize it by telling themselves things like everyone is doing it, or they deserve to indulge, or my wife neglects me, or "it just happened". The fact that he lost respect for the guy that left his wife is a big clue that he isn't going to get divorced. Most don't consider getting caught and the fact that his wife might actually divorce HIM. They think they are too smart for that. Or they really don't think about it, because they can compartmentalize well. And some know that their wife won't leave. I think you should just put up a wall of protection when you are around this guy. You dont know, he might try this with lots of new girls... Work is even where he met his wife. He's got you thinking about him, but you've got to let it go. Think of him like poison- married men are dangerous to a woman's emotional well being. You already feel you have low self esteem. There are women that were confident, strong, independent women and a mm slowly changed hat until she's sad, unsure of herself and weak for him. Its fun and exciting but rarely turns out good. It's unfortunate that he put you in this position, but you can resist it. You can have boundaries with him and send the message that you are not interested in a relationship with a married man. You deserve better. 2
Debanked Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I think it's really sad how a guy (especially a boss) can disrespect the boundaries of his marriage and his company like that. He's a sorry excuse for a husband and a boss. He should know where the line is. 1
Snipercatt Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 Work is even where he met his wife. Excellent point.
OldRover Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I think it's really sad how a guy (especially a boss) can disrespect the boundaries of his marriage and his company like that. He's a sorry excuse for a husband and a boss. He should know where the line is. I don't understand why the man is always the guilty party.... She flirted, danced and obviously spent time when this were heating up. As a boss, it was probably inappropriate that he did the same, and ended with a kiss. Alcohol often brings out inappropriate behavior. We don't know the whole story... if there is one... so I'm not passing judgment.... There's been a lot of great relationships that have been started with Boss, teacher, MM, etc that work out just great. Not the best situation.. but sometimes works. If the OP doesn't want this.... she should have stopped before the dance and flirt. If she realized a mistake, be sure to be sure that this is the end. 1
stillafool Posted December 21, 2013 Posted December 21, 2013 I don't understand why the man is always the guilty party.... She flirted, danced and obviously spent time when this were heating up. As a boss, it was probably inappropriate that he did the same, and ended . I agree. Sometimes these threads make it seem that the woman is somehow a victim of the mans charms. The truth is she is an adult and knows right from wrong. Women in these affairs are just as guilty as the man. One is no better than the other. 4
Author Amelia81 Posted December 21, 2013 Author Posted December 21, 2013 (edited) I don't understand why the man is always the guilty party.... She flirted, danced and obviously spent time when this were heating up. As a boss, it was probably inappropriate that he did the same, and ended with a kiss. Alcohol often brings out inappropriate behavior. I agree. Sometimes these threads make it seem that the woman is somehow a victim of the mans charms. The truth is she is an adult and knows right from wrong. Women in these affairs are just as guilty as the man. One is no better than the other. At what point have I made out to be a victim or blamed him for what happened? All my post did was explain what had happened and asked for some views to gain clarity and understanding. But I do believe the person who is in the relationship is the one that did the betrayal and lying to the person they are meant to love. His relationship is his responsibility! Edited December 21, 2013 by Amelia81 To add comment
Recommended Posts