12 Years, 3 young kids, and she's not in love with me anymore

[Hyde12]

Gut wrenching, heart breaking pain. It hurts in my teeth every time I think about it which is every minute or two.

 

We've had a rocky marriage but I honestly never considered the possibility of splitting up. I took the marriage for granted, was depressed and disconnected a lot of the time but never cheated or even considered it.

 

Over the years, she has been pushing me to TRULY enjoy her and the kids instead of just going through the motions. I would try and we would have a few good weeks before returning to normal. Normal was always a little toxic in both directions - we were always fighting each other for power.

 

A few years ago, she just disconnected from me to focus on herself. I understand that this was a healthy thing for her to do and I found myself chasing her love and getting angry when I couldn't get it (never abusive).

 

She took up running and fitness. At first, it was casual but it got more intense over time. Now, she runs or works out with a trainer almost every day, goes to yoga or Pure Barre classes a few times a week, spends a fortune on fashionable exercise clothes, and runs several half marathons each year.

 

She freely tells me that one reason she likes to run at the gym instead of the treadmill at home is the social side of it. She swears up and down that she has not been unfaithful but a month or two ago, she went out and got a new iphone, immediately set a security code, and started spending a lot of time texting. She even saw once that I happened to see her input her unlock code and she changed it by the next morning. I do not know when she would have time to see anyone outside the marriage. She is raising 3 young boys and when she does have free time, she usually goes out with my sister-in-law. I do know that she has two close friends that she has been talking to / texting with about all this so maybe that is the reason for the secrecy. Both of those friends have been at the brink of divorce but are still in their first marriages.

 

A few things to give perspective.

1. Our youngest child will go to kindergarten next year so she’s been talking about trying for a girl – even seeing specialists to see what we could do to increase our chances of having a girl. I know that is not an empty nest but having no 'baby' to take care of for the first time can be an emotional event.

 

2. Her menstrual cycles have been crazy lately – one day deeply depressed and crying in bed, the next day back to normal. Her doc put her on the pill but that was an even bigger disaster. In short, she is very hormonal and unbalanced right now.

 

3. She is taking action to go back to work. She got her masters degree and then we started a family before she could get her certification.

 

The kids are 4, 7, and 9 now. I was leaving for a business trip four weeks ago and during a layover we talked on the phone and she asked me if I thought I might be happier with someone else. I said 'no, would you?' She said 'I don't know.' We had a few more phone calls and emails during my trip and it just kept getting worse and worse.

 

Yes, I got the dreaded "I love you like family but I don't think I'm IN love with you"

 

"What if you move out and we try dating each other to see if we like each other for who we are again?"

 

"I need some time alone, will you stay with the kids and I'll go think?"

 

"I want to feel joy and be happy in my marriage"

 

"Were we EVER really in love or was it just comfort that kept us together?"

 

"What was the foundation of our relationship - was there one?"

 

"I don't even know who you are."

 

"I'm curious what a fresh start would feel like - maybe someone who would run a race with me or something"

 

This was so shocking to me that I took a good deep look inside myself. That is something that I hadn't done in a years. I didn't realize it until then but for years I was just coping with life - trying to get through the day. When I had a chance to disconnect, I would take it - computer games, a few drinks, etc. Anything to avoid looking deeply at myself.

 

I came up with several realizations that have changed me dramatically. I know it sounds ridiculous but these are some huge new thought processes that have made me so happy. I'm connecting with the kids and enjoying them very much. I started mountain biking and lost 25 lbs. I'm helping out more around the house.

 

I've read a lot of advice like 'act positive and don't argue with her', 'start getting on with your life', etc. I am not acting here - I feel genuinely better.

 

She recognizes the change but:

 

1. She doesn't trust that it is permanent but she acknowledges that this is a huge leap compared to the baby steps that I made at other times.

 

2. She is confused that even though this is what she has wanted all along, it still doesn't make her feel like she wants to just fall back into my arms. Her therapist tells her that this is OK - it will take time because you were hurting for a long time.

 

3. She's furious that I am only making these changes now after she got to this point. I mean truly enraged - she almost never uses the 'f word' but there have been several direct "F you's" thrown around lately.

 

4. She doesn't know if it is too late - if the spark is dead and cannot come back. I’ve seen this advice too – by the time a woman brings this up, she is already too far gone.

 

She knows that an intact family is better for the kids but we both know that we can't stay together just for them - that would likely be even more unhealthy for them than a divorce. She does want to try to find a way back but isn't sure if it is possible.

 

Honestly, I don't want to go back to where we were either. I certainly wasn't happy even if it was my fault. I don't want to be in a marriage where she is disconnected from me.

 

Our next step that we decided last night will be for after the New Year. I will stay in a hotel during the week. We will do something as a family on Saturdays and alternate days alone on Sundays. One of the biggest no-no's that I've seen on advice resources is 'don't be the one to move out if she is the one leaving you' but I think this makes more sense in this case because of schedules and kids and work.

 

So as much as the thought of losing her hurts me, I am happier now with myself, my mental outlook, and my relationship with the kids than I have been in years. I just want to get her back and fix things. I hope it is not too late. Any advice from anyone that managed to read this looong post?

[RightThere]

Definitely good to hear you are making positive changes for yourself.

 

The phone situation is a bit concerning. Especially because you claim she is really enjoying the social aspect of going out to the gym. I would be concern that she has made an emotion connection (hopefully not physical) with someone else. The constant locking of the phone and changing passwords is a red flag of someone trying to hide something.

 

Don't be too much of a doormat here. Although I understand why you will move out, don't make everything totally comfortable for her here. If you make all the sacrifices while she still lives the good life, she will not only fail to respect you, but she will also not feel what it is really like to be on her own.

 

Look up the "180 approach". I'm not saying you need to follow it hard and fast now, but it should give you some good ideas to help improve yourself.

 

Good luck.

[RightThere]

And be careful. I speak from experience and so do others on here when I say, beware of those running groups. They are a haven for infidelity. You would not believe the number of married people who get involved with running groups and carry on emotional and physical affairs.

[runnerg]

Im going through something similar. I wish my husband would make the positive changes you have... Seems like you are really trying. My husband is not trying at all. I think the best thing you can do is space, continued therapy etc., You are making every positive step.

[yorkie]

hi hyde, listen mate i know your pain i am going through something very similar as in the time scale of a relationship but i have two children. sadly the pain is going to last a long time, and thing can get very messy my ex left me to move into her parents, we both are seeing someone else and now we are going to mediation and maybe court to fight for the kids. i hope things work out for you and keep posting as people can g8ive you support on here! im lucky at the moment my kids live with me and i have been doing a great jb for my kids sadly i cried and begged and got angry to when we split thats because of emotions my friend. but now i just want Limited Contact. just for the kids. remember though keep your chin up and keep working on yourself. sadly for me its over but who knows for yourself.

[cozycottagelg]

I feel like my husband could have written this exact post.

 

I was so angry and irritated that he only made serious changes when I was ready to walk. Now I'm in limbo. It's awful.

 

Good luck...

[Steadfast]

A few years ago, she just disconnected from me to focus on herself. I understand that this was a healthy thing for her to do and I found myself chasing her love and getting angry when I couldn't get it (never abusive).

 

You were cooked then but didn't know it. It wasn't healthy, it was a ploy to punish and it worked. Women will do this; often check out years before actually making a move. She was done but wasn't ready to cut bait.

 

She is now.

 

No need to quote or go over the many things she's said since. If she isn't cheating, she wants to. Right now, she'd like you both to mutually agree that it's over so she can move on with little or no guilt. She wants someone else...probably a specific person. She's thinking he'll respond if she demonstrates that she's willing to divorce. He might be married too, so both could be treading lightly, 'testing the waters'.

 

99.9% of loving women/wives are radically possessive of their men. That doesn't mean they're controlling, it means even the thought of another woman making advances towards their man makes their blood boil. Your wife is actually encouraging you to find someone else...asking if 'you' would be happier. What do you need to see this? Sky writing? It's over.

 

Don't beat it to death, because I know you'll want to make sure. That's understood. My advice is to sit her down and calmly ask straightforwardly: Do you want to remain married to me or not? Simple as that. I'd suggest sharing you're willing to continue the path of improvement, but you are who you are and you have no interesting in kissing her ass for the rest of your life. Tell her you love her but she must decide: All in or All out.

 

Respect whatever she says, except "I don't know." Yes means yes, no means no, but "I don't know" means she isn't sure if the OM is ready.

 

Tell her "I don't know" means your answer is no. File and move on.

 

I know it hurts. Believe me. Get out of the hurt by being strong. You must.

[Hyde12]

Cozy, what if your husband followed Steadfast's advice and demanded a yes or no? If you're in limbo, you would want to say "I don't know" right? Would you want "I don't know" to mean that he should file for divorce? Isn't it possible that "I don't know" could mean yes after time if things are handled properly in the limbo period?

 

Steadfast, I appreciate your advice and I will ask for the yes or no. I am not certain about saying that "I don't know" means no. If there is still hope, I can be patient and use the time to work on myself and my kids. She keeps saying that the reason she wants me to move out for a few weeks is that she feels bad because I am making changes but it isn't making her feel like she wants to fall back into my arms. Her therapist tells her that she needs time for that to happen. That tells me that her goals in therapy are still to find a way back. Maybe I'm kidding myself.

[dumped2013]

In July right before the ex dropped the D bomb, we were supposed to go to Florida for a week. I had everything booked. I asked her, after she came back from her European trip, if she was still going to Florida with me. Her answer, I'm not sure. I told her that in my book that was a no and I took a buddy with me.

[Steadfast]

She keeps saying that the reason she wants me to move out for a few weeks is that she feels bad because I am making changes but it isn't making her feel like she wants to fall back into my arms. Her therapist tells her that she needs time for that to happen. That tells me that her goals in therapy are still to find a way back. Maybe I'm kidding myself.

 

You are.

 

She wants time with someone else. Sorry friend, your situation is textbook.

[oldshirt]

-separation helps people prepare for divorce, not help getting reconnected.

 

- " I love you but not in love with you" (ILYBNILWY) means she's lost sexual attraction and desire for you. And often also means someone else has tripped her desire' o'meter.

 

- "would you be happier with someone else?" Means, 'I would be happier with someone else and I don't care if you move on too.'

 

- "maybe we should separate for awhile." Means, "I have another person I want to try out and need you out of the house."

 

- "I want to feel joy in my marriage again", means, " expect divorce papers very soon."

 

- " I don't even know who you are anymore." Means, "I don't care about you any more."

 

- "were we EVER in love.....?" Is real bad news. This means she is rewriting history to make it seem your relationship was never legit and doesn't count.

 

- " I wonder what a fresh start would feed like?" Means, "I want a 5 fresh start with someone new."

 

- "I need some time alone, will you take the kids?" Means, "I have a date."

 

I could go on but you see where this is going. You are in very dire straights here. This is very serious. 99% chance she is seeing someone or has someone else lined up.

 

If you move out there is no chance of getting her back. Her other man will be there by the time you clear the driveway.

 

For this marriage to survive at all, you have to smack down this other dude and take back control of your lives and get into some serious therapy yesterday.

 

You do not even have a week before you are out and the other guy or guys is in.

 

If there's not another man, you are really in trouble because that means she just plain wants out.

[RightThere]

- "I need some time alone, will you take the kids?" Means, "I have a date."

 

This interpretation more than any of the other ones is probably bang on. My STBXW did the exact same thing.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She swears up and down that she has not been unfaithful but a month or two ago, she went out and got a new iphone, immediately set a security code, and started spending a lot of time texting.

 

 

 

I do not know when she would have time to see anyone outside the marriage.

 

 

You need to change your whole way of thinking on this one.

 

In my youth I had ongoing affairs with several married women and a variety of hook ups and a few near misses with a number of others.

 

Married women who are disenchanted with their husbands are not like single women who need to be courted and wined and dined and seduced by candlelight with rose petals on the bed.

 

Encounters with married women can take place in literally minutes. They dont need wining and dining, they just need a place with no witnesses. It can be a locker room or restroom at the gym or at a bar, a car in the parking lot or park. It can be a motel room or someone's office on their lunch break.

 

Married women don't need and often times don't even want, "dates". Sometimes just a look, a wink or some kind of flirty innuendo or double-entendre comment is all it takes to light the fuse. After that all they need is a few minutes and a place.

 

You have to do your due-diligence in looking for evidence of a another man/men. Hack her email and Facebook. Get into her phone records. Put a GPS tracker and voice activated recorder in her car. Start showing up unexpectedly at home or anywhere else she may be and she if anyone is with her or she if she is agitated that you are there without prior notice.

 

99% chance there is someone else involved to one degree or another. Another penis may not have actually entered her vagina yet but there's no way its to far off.

 

Untill that is discovered and squelched, your marriage is spiraling out of the sky rapidly.

[RightThere]

Start showing up unexpectedly at home or anywhere else she may be and she if anyone is with her or she if she is agitated that you are there without prior notice.

 

99% chance there is someone else involved to one degree or another. Another penis may not have actually entered her vagina yet but there's no way its to far off.

 

Surprise her at one of her running groups (if she's still in one). Or invite yourself to one of their social events that you weren't invited to in the past. If you're spider senses are up, you'll figure out pretty quick who is either trying to or is already in your wife's pants.

[oldshirt]

Surprise her at one of her running groups (if she's still in one). Or invite yourself to one of their social events that you weren't invited to in the past. If you're spider senses are up, you'll figure out pretty quick who is either trying to or is already in your wife's pants.

 

Just show up. You won't even need to catch anyone with their hand in the cookie jar. You'll have your answer just by how awkward and uncomfortable everyone is.

 

If she's pissed at you and accuses you of smothering her and getting into her space, then it's a slam dunk.

[Steadfast]

I feel like my husband could have written this exact post.

 

I was so angry and irritated that he only made serious changes when I was ready to walk. Now I'm in limbo. It's awful.

 

That's human nature; taking someone for granted. Some people don't need constant affirmation, and most men get caught up in trying to succeed. Me? I'd rather marry someone and not have them 'change'.

 

Just show up. You won't even need to catch anyone with their hand in the cookie jar. You'll have your answer just by how awkward and uncomfortable everyone is.

 

If she's pissed at you and accuses you of smothering her and getting into her space, then it's a slam dunk.

 

It's better than GPS, PIs, etc. Sex is sex, and while that's bad enough it's her heart and mind that's killing the marriage. Everything that happens after is simply response. This husband knows all he needs to know, IMO.

 

The truth is often stranger than fiction in these cases. How much information is too much? Better to get your affairs in order by talking to an attorney. Courts do not care if a spouse has been cheating, so forget gathering info for your 'case'. It's all about the money and kids.

 

These times are life's most stressful and emotionally draining. You will burn valuable energy and money chasing for proof. I know it hurts, but you need to stay sharp and focused. Every move is critical. Be smart. Think.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

It's better than GPS, PIs, etc. Sex is sex, and while that's bad enough it's her heart and mind that's killing the marriage. Everything that happens after is simply response. This husband knows all he needs to know, IMO.

 

The truth is often stranger than fiction in these cases. How much information is too much? Better to get your affairs in order by talking to an attorney. Courts do not care if a spouse has been cheating, so forget gathering info for your 'case'. It's all about the money and kids.

 

These times are life's most stressful and emotionally draining. You will burn valuable energy and money chasing for proof. I know it hurts, but you need to stay sharp and focused. Every move is critical. Be smart. Think.

 

 

 

The 'proof' really isn't for the court. It's for him so that he really sees what the reality of the situation is and realizes what is actually going on vs what she says is going on.

 

 

Also, until you have the smoking gun with fingerprints, DNA, ballistic matches, eyewitness testimony and written documentation and unedited video of crime, most cheaters will continue to try to lie and cover their tracks and trickle-truth.

 

 

Asking someone, "is there someone else?" is just giving them a means of pulling the wool over your eyes. It's just rolling out the carpet for them to lie and give you all their cover stories and assurances.

 

 

Going into detective mode and finding your own proof and giving them that, "Gotcha!" moment is the only way to get them to stop blowing smoke and sunshine up your a$$ and actual deal with the situation.

[Steadfast]

Going into detective mode and finding your own proof and giving them that, "Gotcha!" moment is the only way to get them to stop blowing smoke and sunshine up your a$$ and actual deal with the situation.

 

No it isn't oldshirt. The power to deal with the situation rest entirely on the betrayed. And while it's true that Hyde or any betrayed spouse should get tested for STDs, the simple proof of cheating and lying doesn't sway everyone. One only has to look at the posters on this forum to see that.

 

Once again, the problem Hyde is facing is not the question of whether or not his wife is cheating, it's her attitude. Her actions and words prove she's checked out. Hyde's best move, IMO, is to reject his wife's actions to demonstrate his displeasure on breech of contract. Will she be any less gone if she has another lover, or wants another lover?

 

I get what you are saying oldshirt. I really do. I investigated, then investigated some more. The deeper I dug the more I found but I had the truth of it when her feelings went cold. Is why, how or who more important than what? IMO, it is not. What I had was a wife who wanted out.

 

Hyde, walk in strength. Do what's best to protect yourself and your fatherhood. You can't be a husband to a wife that doesn't love you.

Edited December 21, 2013 by Steadfast

[oldshirt]

 

Once again, the problem Hyde is facing is not the question of whether or not his wife is cheating, it's her attitude. Her actions and words prove she's checked out. Hyde's best move, IMO, is to reject his wife's actions to demonstrate his displeasure on breech of contract. Will she be any less gone if she has another lover, or wants another lover?

.

 

 

 

I get what you are saying but I see it differently. I'm seeing a man that still loves her and wants her to love him again. Maybe that can't happen but maybe it can.

 

 

What is for sure is if he admits defeat and lets her walk away, it's over. It's over whether theres another man or not.

 

 

However if he can peel back a layer or two and find out what's the reality, then maybe he can do something about it. If she's getting the tingles for another man and Hyde can blow him out of the water and step up to the plate and take back the reigns of this marriage, he stands a chance.

 

 

Accept defeat and walk away with tail between legs = 0% chance.

 

 

Find out what's going on and take affirmative action = some chance.

 

 

Very simple equation.

 

 

 

 

But I also need to add, I simply cannot stand when people are being bull*****ted. She is peeing on him while saying, "Oh look at the yellow rain Honey, isn't it nice?" Bullcrap!!

 

 

If she's a cheating bitch, bust her a$$!! Bust her a$$ and expose her for what she is and then walk away if he wants. At least then he will be making an informed decision based on reality.

 

 

If he walks away now, he'll never know what happened and it will always give him doubts.

 

 

In my world it's always better to know what the reality is. even if it's bad news.

[fmrmarine]

I know what you are going through and you have my sympathy. I have been there. I hate to echo what some others have said, but like I said, I've been there. She is cheating on you without a doubt. It's so textbook it's not even funny. You need to play your cards close to your vest and investigate. If you confront her without solid proof, she will take it further underground.

 

Get the proof. Research keyloggers, voice activated recorders, etc. You need to get the proof. The proof is important whether you want to divorce or reconcile. Let me explain why. Obviously, if you want to divorce and you live in a non no-fault state, it will be important legally. There aren't many no fault states anymore. My state actually is. But having solid proof of an affair can aid you in the divorce negotiation.

 

The proof is probably more important if you want to reconcile. Here's why. Affairs thrive on secrecy. They exist in a fantasy land. Getting solid proof will allow you to blow it up. Let her and her lover experience the devastation of exposure. The romance will disappear when his wife and kids and your kids find out, when she has answer that phone call from her mom asking her what the heck is going on. Expose it and nuke it. That is your best chance to kill the affair and if you want to reconcile you must kill the affair. You can't nuke it without proof.

 

Do not be foolish and go into denial about what is really going on. I know you probably don't want to believe she is cheating, but she is. Her behavior is cookie cutter for a wife engaged in an affair.

[oldshirt]

 

 

You need to play your cards close to your vest and investigate. If you confront her without solid proof, she will take it further underground.

 

Get the proof. Research keyloggers, voice activated recorders, etc. You need to get the proof. The proof is important whether you want to divorce or reconcile. Let me explain why. Obviously, if you want to divorce and you live in a non no-fault state, it will be important legally. There aren't many no fault states anymore. My state actually is. But having solid proof of an affair can aid you in the divorce negotiation.

 

The proof is probably more important if you want to reconcile. Here's why. Affairs thrive on secrecy. They exist in a fantasy land. Getting solid proof will allow you to blow it up. Let her and her lover experience the devastation of exposure. The romance will disappear when his wife and kids and your kids find out, when she has answer that phone call from her mom asking her what the heck is going on. Expose it and nuke it. That is your best chance to kill the affair and if you want to reconcile you must kill the affair. You can't nuke it without proof.

 

.

 

 

 

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

 

 

 

 

Go into PI mode and get the proof.

 

 

Unfortunately there is a 99% chance it is there and it probably won't take too much digging to find it.

[Steadfast]

Hyde, I believe everyone here wishes to give you the best possible advice and I do not wish to hijack your thread. I am posting my views for your consideration and in response to fmrmarine and oldshirt. I understand you'll keep of it what you want. We all walk our own path and it often isn't easy.

 

fmrmarine and oldshirt, I am not questioning the effectiveness of exposure or its ability to blow up affairs. My point is what a couple has left after the fact. Some feel justified in doing so and I can't argue that either, if justice is what you seek. But justice and romance don't mix, and I (personally) do not want a wife who has been shell-shocked, scared, embarrassed or publicly humiliated back into a marriage. That is not how love, romance and long term happiness was established, and it isn't how it's sustained.

 

Exposure does not cure what led to the cheating. Exposure does not restore love or care. I do believe a spouse has the responsibility to inform the other betrayed spouse (if the OM/OW is married) but experience tells me that is not always well received either. Exposure has no guarantee.

 

Wrong or right, everyone has freewill. This is the magical part of love and romance; two people mutually choosing each other. That's how it starts and that must remain in place for it to last. We do not own our spouses. Many see the rejection of cheating and not exposing as 'giving up', but the reality is the cheating/betraying spouse is the one who quit. Are we not being true to our vows to love and honor by giving them what they want?

 

Not trying a ploy to force their hand isn't giving up, it's letting go. Fact: Spouses have the option to leave each other. We may not like it, but freewill cannot be taken away. Will 'showing' the betraying spouse we love them my exposing work? Maybe, maybe not. Some might respond well to it. My hunch is, it'll be the person who feels their spouse's job is to provide and sustain their happiness. In my experience, this is impossible to do.

 

Obviously, if you want to divorce and you live in a non no-fault state, it will be important legally. There aren't many no fault states anymore.

 

Sorry. More states have no fault laws than any other kind, including those states that have a separation option. More research needed fmrmarine.

 

Look at it this way; if a person can be talked into something, they can be talked out of it. Such a person will not deal with problems in a healthy way.

[carhill]

If you do anything, file for divorce, sue for custody and don't move out of the marital/custodial home under any circumstances. If you want to do all the affair-related investigation, go for it. Newsflash: She can have an affair, divorce you, take your kids and ruin you financially as well as socially and emotionally. The solution is aggressive action in your own, and your children's, self-interest.

 

So, instead of spending money on a hotel five days a week, offer to spend it on MC, get her out of IC since that's self-involved therapy and, if no go on mutually agreed MC, spend it on a lawyer and get moving. Oh, while this is going on, encourage her to get a job. She's smart, educated (Masters degree) and employable. Your lawyer will have more information on strategies.

 

My sympathies.

[oldshirt]

 

Exposure does not cure what led to the cheating. Exposure does not restore love or care.

 

 

.

 

 

 

Quick rebuttal to make a point but otherwise I agree that people roles here is to offer a variety of options and people can decide what is best for them in their situation.

 

 

If Hyde were to decide to just cut losses and move on right now, then I would agree to an extent that no further investigation is truly necessary.

 

 

However if he wants to recover the relationship, he simply HAS to know if there is someone else rubbing up against her before a reconciliation can proceed. The chances of recovering a relationship while there is still someone else smooching on her is essentially nil. In order for a reconciliation to have any chance of success the affair has to be discovered and nuked.

 

 

I don't know if Hyde is still following this thread or if he didn't like what he was hearing and left, but almost every single one of us is convinced that there is a 3rd party if not even 4th and 5th and 6th parties as well.

 

 

If he wants to try to save this marriage he absolutely, positively has to know if there is a rat stealing the cheese.

 

 

If he is 100% committed to divorcing just due to the current status then it probably doesn't really matter.

[Hyde12]

I am very actively following this post and I appreciate ALL of the advice. I don't want to be impulsive and do something I might regret. I'm bouncing between advice from No more Mister Nice Guy, Married Man's Sex Life Primer, forums, friends and family, etc.

 

She keeps saying that we have all of these vacations planned this year and it would be a shame to take those away from the kids so let's hang in there and see if we can get the spark back. I suggested that she could take them on some and I could take them on others but she thinks that would still be taking it away from the kids.

 

I'm inclined to work on the Married Man's Primer and increase my sex rank. Bring more alpha. For those familiar with that, there is NO DOUBT that my rank has decreased since we got married and hers has increased. A clear problem if you buy that theory.

 

We've been together for 20 years so when I press her for sincere honesty about whether she is cheating and she says no, I want to believe her. The spy stuff doesn't feel right. I think there is a real possibility that her emotional support is coming from her girlfriends. She has ALWAYS placed a huge amount of value in her friendships. She is not afraid to tell the truth in general and I am keenly aware that she is not afraid of dropping me so why would she still lie about it?

 

I live in California btw - I don't know much about the laws here other than community property, but I should mention that she has millions in family money and we have no pre-nup. I make a little over $250k/yr so I have no idea how things will settle. The house is in both of our names with me as primary but the large down payment was from her family money. I know for sure that if we split, she wants to keep this house and keep the kids here - good schools, lots of kids and friends in the neighborhood.

 

I've made it very clear over the years that cheating on me would be an inexcusable offense and would not be forgiven. Is she just trying to protect her money by trying to make it a peaceful split?

 

She has said lately that she keeps having urges to hug or kiss me or cuddle but she doesn't do it because she is not sure if those feelings are real or if they are just her instinct to stop being mad at me because it is easier to just settle back in. Progress? Bull****?

 

I told her that I was not ok living here and pretending everything was ok. I needed some action/release so we agreed to every other day. Had sex a few times but not much response from her. Tonight was "I'll blow you but don't want sex." I accepted and enjoyed.

 

Still tortured and curious to hear more comments.