Leaf Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 Hi guys, *sigh* well, I am feeling pretty down right now. I was just with MM and he was really sweet... told me he loved me... told me he missed me. We set up a meeting for tomorrow... I was feeling really guarded (of course) but was contented to be with him today and looking forward for tomorrow... It was time for him to leave and he said to me that he had to go, I said okay. Then he told me, "baby, i'm going to be with you whenever I can, I am going to take every opportunity, every chance I get." I guess when he said this, I got really quiet. He asked what was wrong, I said "nothing" But what I am really feeling and what got to me was when he said "..whenever I can, ..take every opportunity, every chance I get." Gosh, I feel like such a side dish. That he really is never going to leave her, he just wants me on the side. This doesnt feel too good. I cant live like this.
Barby Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 No judgements...did he ever lead you to believe or out-right tell you that he wanted to be with you and would in the future leave his wife? Or is this something you thought would be a natural progression? I'm sorry that you're going through this....I have a feeling a lot of "OW" feel this way and the sadness creeps in when they're no longer able to dillude themselves to the bitter reality of the situation.
StillHurtin Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 Even though I don't agree w/ what you are doing I am sorry for what you are feeling right now. I do know what it's like. It's hard. I was an OW to a man who was in a serious relationship years ago. I do hope you realize he isn't worth what you are going through and you can get the strength and courage to leave him. You can and will find a great, single guy who will treat you #1 in his life. I know that doesn't help the pain.
Author Leaf Posted January 4, 2005 Author Posted January 4, 2005 Thanks guys Yes, he told me he wanted to be with me and that we would be together. That he would leave her. He even told me today that he was playing the lottery (stupid I know - but its something fun we used to do together) . What Barby said is true.. I am finally seeing the illusions he creates for what they are.
Barby Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 I believe he does this in order to secure his relationship with you as well as keep his marriage in tact. I hope you do see that you're worth more and no longer allow him to keep you as this "spicy side dish" The fact that he told you he was going to leave her, and now says "I'll see you when I can" gives you a crystal 100% clear answer as to his TRUE intentions with you. Again (even though I don't agree with A's) I'm sorry that you had to go through this!
Author Leaf Posted January 4, 2005 Author Posted January 4, 2005 Thank you so much Barby. It really means alot to have your wise words here for me, as well as everyones. It is such a slow progression to get here (my current mental state) .. whats kind of good is that when I hear him talking to me.. I look at him and I dont see the man I fell in love with. That man is dead. This person I see now.. I dont know who he is. I'm not crying or anything, just feeling low. Feeling that I gave all of me .. and he just took it. I wish i could talk to him right now and end this once and for all. I have time and time again threatened him with my leaving. Each time, he would tell me to be patient, to give him time.. that it was I, he is in love with. For a year and a half, his words meant the world to me. Everything he said was music to my ears, my heart would flutter, I was head over heels in love. Now, its like I hear him.. but I have no emotional connection to them anymore.
Barby Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 I'm not crying or anything, just feeling low. Feeling that I gave all of me .. and he just took it. Honestly isn't that what most selfish "MM" with "OW" on the side do? I mean by all means I'm sure being in the situation and hearing his words of love and stuff make it seem as if he's giving you his heart and soul as well. But when it comes right down to it...sit back and think...who did the re-arranging of their lives? Who sat and waited for whom? Who spent the nights/weekends alone while the other had the companionship of their spouse? So basically you gave up everything and him nothing! Sad but seems to be true! I wish i could talk to him right now and end this once and for all. I have time and time again threatened him with my leaving. Each time, he would tell me to be patient, to give him time.. that it was I, he is in love with. And you see how long you waited, how long he kept you hanging on with just another "empty" promise...and after all that time and love...what does he continue to say to you...."I'll see you WHEN I CAN" I hope you come to terms with this soon and rid yourself of a "leech" of sorts that is "leeching" off of your love, body, and soul who gives you basically nothing in return but leaves you more empty inside....
StillHurtin Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 Trying not to make you feel bad, and I apologize if I do, but it saddens me that you have been w/ him for a year and half and he has no attentions of leaving his W. All this time you could of met a wonderful man and been happy now. You gave a lot up, he gave nothing. He still has his W and you sit alone waiting for him. What a jerk! He is just stringing you along. He is def. having his cake and eating it too. I would leave him and tell him when he decides to leave his W you will be there for him, BUT if you meet a great guy in the mean time I would let the MM jerk go, even if he left his W. Wouldn't that just tick him off? LOL! He deserves it!
fanou22 Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 In a sickening manner we like torturing ourselves sometime. We keep doing it until we get fed up with and decide to move on. Leaf, Do you really want to leave him because you don't see the man you came to love? Or you want to do so to see whether he leaves his W? You don't have to answer my questions on this board. The answer will be yours to give you a clearer mind. I take it from me how things went and still going. We dance under the friendship umbrella because I don't think I wanted to give him up yet. He would not break off no matter how mean or nasty I was/am to him. Now all I feel towards him is resentment. I don't hate him and will never do. I simply do not like him the way I did. Some of you will say that I am seeing now his true colors. I assure that is not the case. I know I will move on with my life excluding him from it. In a last ditch effort to turn him back to is marriage, I advised him to check marriage builders. What do you think he did? Nothing. In his opinion his marriage is perfectly fine. I had no problem telling him "Yeah right, bury your head in the sand instead of really looking into you marriage problems" All i can say is that I was never able to surrender my heart to him fully. Maybe this is what saved me from all the ranting and raving and having to come to a horrible end. My life will go on. One day I will find the perfect man for me. All the while xMM will live in denial and after a long life he may die in denial or one day he may realize how miserable he was.
mourningMM Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 I think that OW/OM get something, but not nearly as much as they offer a MM/MW. What they/we get is the feeling that MM/MW for the time that they are together, has given complete attention. I think that the validation and the attention is what people in an affair really are looking for...and if it ever gets to a point that the need is for emotional support, intellectual challenge, or material gain, that is the time that being an "other" gets depressing and sad. Because that is the time that the affair is no longer balanced, and giving both parties everything that they are needing. If being "in love" and feeling passion is all that the parties are looking for, and the married participant is careful and considerate enough to keep it completely hidden from their spouse, the affair chugs along forever. But once one person or the other needs more than that, needs or wants a real life with the other, the entire situation moves to a different level. The OW/OM wants to have a relationship that can be acknowledged in public. Or the MM/MW can no longer stand being associated to their spouse instead of their new 'significant other'. If an affair gets to that point the dynamics in all of the relationship get very ugly until a new equilibrium is reached. And given that there are three people in the situation, at least one, if not all three go through pain and suffering. If there are children involved they see the two people that they love the most in the world hurting eachother and them. So today what I say is take what you need from the affair, and let it make both of the people more self-confident and happier. THEN WALK AWAY in a way that is respectful of the commitments that the married person has made. I think that deep down, when a person does not keep a committment, they lose a part of their soul. After that nothing can repair or replace that sense of goodness. I think that the OM/OW will bear the burden of guilt, and there will always be sideways looks and talking behind hands. There are many reasons that a marriage can fail, but allowing an affair to appear to be the reason is deceitful to both the husband and the wife (regardless of who is having the affair). The affair is a symptom of the deeper problem. Let the problem(s) be the reason the marriage fails... If the marriage fails, then as a free and independent person, the MW/MM could then enter a new relationship without feeling guilt. That is why I truly believe that emotional affairs are most damaging, because if a husband or wife emotionally attaches to a person outside the marriage for support or validation, and if there is no physical side to that relationship the person having the affair can delude themselves into thinking that they are addresssing a problem when in truth they have already abandoned the marriage.
fanou22 Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 MourningMM, You could not have put it into better words. I am always having trouble wording what I feel
kim_mc Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 Leaf, I am going through the same thing as you are. However, my being married puts things in a different perspective. In the very beginning, he mentioned us being together, where we would live, me being involved in his business...etc. I was receptive to it all. Loved hearing it, even though the entire time I was skeptical. For months, there was no talk of it at all. Of course it made me wonder if he was just telling me what I wanted to hear in order to continue things. There came a turning point where things changed for us. At least in my eyes. He is a little bit more distant. And when we meet the spark that was just is not the same. I realize this is the case in most relationships. Maybe we are just going through a phase. He claims things have not changed at all. Call it womens intuition. I wonder if this pain is worth the weekly pleasure.
BoatingBabe Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 My exboyfriend was a married man, however, he was separated, living in his own place, and just waiting on his wife to file. He also had 2 young kids. I broke up with him once because I didnt think he was being proactive about getting the divorce. I then found out he moved back in with his wife. About a year later, he left her again, and moved in with friends...he again started contacting me and told me this time it was for real, he wanted to introduce me to his kids...blah blah blah...I did meet his daughter, but then he started distancing himself from me again, I left him,,,and I found out a few weeks later he moved back in with her. He always spoke about the guilt he felt about leaving her with 2 young kids, eventhough he was a devoted dad. I guess he could never quite see it through...What I learned from this?? I'll never get close with a married man ever again, unless I see the divorce papers BEFORE I start dating him.
Author Leaf Posted January 8, 2005 Author Posted January 8, 2005 Today I got the "I'm not trying to lead you on, and You and I DO want the same things." talk. It came after I told him I feel like he is throwing me under a moving bus all the time. He asked what he could do to have me not feel that way... I'm having a beer now.
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