is getting left for OM/OW really worse than getting left when there ISNT someone else

[RightThere]

The lady who wrote "Women's Infidelity" makes this point in her books. She pretty much states that if walk away wives aren't already cheating, they at least have someone else in mind.

 

Very much so. A walk away wife has done tons of planning in her head. Probably for a year. And that includes who she's going to date.

 

Those books are a very difficult read as a BH, but so insightful.

[Raena]

Very much so. A walk away wife has done tons of planning in her head. Probably for a year. And that includes who she's going to date.

 

Those books are a very difficult read as a BH, but so insightful.

 

But they aren't always true. I walked away from my first marriage and didn't have a single man in sight. I just wanted the opportunity to meet someone who might be a better fit for me.

[waterwoman]

Can't answer that question as I've never been left. But what hurt most about H's behaviour was the lying and lack of respect. However you look at it, that does a lot of the damage. Being ignorant of the circumstances of your own marriage is pretty hurtful.

[atreides]

 

So now my question here is, will that cause less pain, less heartache, less turmoil, less second-guessing, less bargaining and pleading, less baggage and a shorter and more efficient recovery period than if there was a 3rd party involved???

 

 

I think it is a short-sighted question. It only involves 1 variable, "pain felt" and by one side of the party at that.

 

It's without naming names the same argument i had in another thread, where it was argued to me that "pain is the same" and that "marriage is just a contract." Such a travesty of a comment and short-sighted as well.

 

Evaluation of one's pain to measure the degree of infidelity vs falling out of love is non sequitur.

 

One can include the other but the measure of "one's pain felt" should be understood in terms of what kind of pain on top of other variables and how much of it.

 

Just leaving for falling out of love cannot include, betrayal, the feeling of second best, knowing where when and how your WS did x,y and z while you were home, the fear of STD, the pain felt by others from betrayal on all sides just to name a few.

 

Only at the level of dating and courtship, i have been left and she was upfront and honest about it. She actually did not have anyone on the side and it was some time before she did. It hurt, but it simply did not work out, i cannot force one to love me. Sometimes and it should be understood that love can be unrequited. However that is why beyond what the law states, we socially have levels of commitment from dating to marriage, once one decides to marry, things are serious and the question of having unrequited love begs the question at that point.

 

However being lied to and all of the deceit coupled with rejection again to name a few is far, far worse.

 

So in the end, no pain is not all the same.

[carriel]

I agree with you that it hurts more to simply be left when there is no one else… a bigger sense of rejection. There was no one better, they just wanted out. That definitely hurts. I think it is easier to be left when you are angry (cheating). However, my best friend got cheated on and I know she was in pain about it for years. It must vary person to person. I would not completely hate someone if they cheated and would be willing to work it out, given the circumstances. Most people wouldn't.

[Arieswoman]

Here's my 6 penneth/2 cents worth,

 

I was a BS but before I was married to my first husband and after I divorced him I had some relationship breakups.

 

I was maybe lucky because all of the guys I was involved with told me face-to-face that they didn't want to continue the relationship. I accepted what they said and moved on. I was hurting for weeks/months but I got over it. I didn't bear them any ill will as they had been honest with me.

 

Breakups involving another party another hurts you to the very core, because not only have you lost the person you love and the relationship, but there are lies & deceit added to the mix. You start to wonder if your whole relationship was based on lies.

[underpants]

..........

Edited January 3, 2014 by underpants