is getting left for OM/OW really worse than getting left when there ISNT someone else

[oldshirt]

Ok we hear it again and again that people should leave their spouse/SO before they take up with someone else.

 

I get that that is the "right" thing to do and that people should communicate their dissatisfaction and "work on the marriage" before taking up with someone else.

 

What my question is is when you are the dumped, is it really better if your partner leaves you when there ISN'T anyone else?????

 

Before you give a knee-jerk yes, think about it.

 

If your partner dumps you for someone else, it means they like them better and they think that the will have a better future with them than you. That hurts!!! It hurts to have someone else better you.

 

But consider this, if someone dumps you and they DON'T have someone else warmed up on deck, or even if they just want the opportunity to get back on the market and find someone else, that means they just don't like YOU and simply just wants to be free from YOU.

 

So now my question here is, will that cause less pain, less heartache, less turmoil, less second-guessing, less bargaining and pleading, less baggage and a shorter and more efficient recovery period than if there was a 3rd party involved???

 

I'm not talking the morality or ethics of it or which is the approved "right" method. I'm talking about does one way or the other way cause less pain and suffer on the dumped in real world application?

[Eggplant]

Based on talking to people who have been cheated on and left, they are still reeling over the betrayal, even though the person left. So, my observation is that leaving for another person causes more damage.

 

Secondly, getting involved with a 3rd party while still involved in a marriage is horribly unacceptable to I should think most potential 3rd parties. Why should the 3rd party have to be swept up in a hornet's nest of somebody else's broken commitments and failures?

[oldshirt]

Based on talking to people who have been cheated on and left, they are still reeling over the betrayal, even though the person left. So, my observation is that leaving for another person causes more damage.

 

I get that and usually when we hear of divorce it frequently does involve infidelity to one degree or another.

 

The thing is when someone's spouse cheats on them and they split, they are usually more than happy to point the fingers and lay the blame.

 

My question is in regards to people who were NOT cheated on and their spouse simply left. Are they better off and with less pain and angst than the ones who's spouse left for OM/OW?

[AlwaysGrowing]

One involves..rejection.

 

The other...rejection AND betrayal.

 

Both are painful...one however has that extra FU added as a side.

[BetrayedH]

Ok we hear it again and again that people should leave their spouse/SO before they take up with someone else.

 

I get that that is the "right" thing to do and that people should communicate their dissatisfaction and "work on the marriage" before taking up with someone else.

 

What my question is is when you are the dumped, is it really better if your partner leaves you when there ISN'T anyone else?????

 

Before you give a knee-jerk yes, think about it.

 

If your partner dumps you for someone else, it means they like them better and they think that the will have a better future with them than you. That hurts!!! It hurts to have someone else better you.

 

But consider this, if someone dumps you and they DON'T have someone else warmed up on deck, or even if they just want the opportunity to get back on the market and find someone else, that means they just don't like YOU and simply just wants to be free from YOU.

 

So now my question here is, will that cause less pain, less heartache, less turmoil, less second-guessing, less bargaining and pleading, less baggage and a shorter and more efficient recovery period than if there was a 3rd party involved???

 

I'm not talking the morality or ethics of it or which is the approved "right" method. I'm talking about does one way or the other way cause less pain and suffer on the dumped in real world application?

 

I know that one of the most difficult things for me to overcome is that my wife had no intentions of leaving me FOR the OM; she was heavily contemplating leaving me and her affair was at least a temporary alternative. I can't say that it hurts "more" for me than it does for others than got left for an OP but the sense of rejection from it is probably my heaviest cross to bear. Fortunately, I've always had a decent sense of self-esteem; I know I deserve better. And I chalk a lot of it up to her rewriting of marital history and overdeveloped sense of entitlement but still, it's probably the one thing I wrestle with most. She knew me better than anyone and I wasn't worth her fidelity or to be her spouse.

[ChooseTruth]

What made me crazy was the false reconciliation and all the lies. I still wonder about a lot of things.

 

With a normal breakup, at least you know what's up and there's probably more rhyme and reason to why things are happening...unlike when someone is cheating and up and leaves all of a sudden. In the cheating case, the M is more likely to have seemed just fine to the BS before that. That's one reason I wish people would be honest about cheating even in divorce. Then the person left at least has some understanding that the WS was playing fantasy grass is greener games (cause we know most Rs started from As fail).

 

I do think the "walk away spouse" think is pretty heinous as well though if especially if you've never seriously and directly brought up your complaints. It's similar to the sudden slap of an affair.

[painfullyobvious]

It is never fun either way. I have been fortunate to experience both (lucky me). Being dumped with another person warmed up as you put it was much worse. The reason I found it difficult was because if things do not work out between two people you can agree to just go your own way or if you are dumped without another person in the picture you can evaluate the relationship, yourself, etc.

 

 

When another person is in the relationship equation I found all kinds of confusing relationship parameters. First I had to not only address the loss of the relationship but the betrayal, the lies, the sneaking around that a person I believed cared about me was doing. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and continued to wonder how a person who said they cared about me could sneak around and cheat like it was nothing.

 

 

Another part of the affair equation was dealing with the affair partner. What kind of arrogant "person" comes into someone else's relationship and believes they can have their way with MY ex. I struggled with that mindset for sometime. I just didn't understand that mentality.

 

 

The big one for me was trusting people again after the affair relationship failed. I punished several dates after that for trivial reasons and was carrying over anger from my last relationship that the cheating took place. I could not trust for a long time and the slightest inconsistencies and appearances of lies ended several short term relationships. This was all due to the previous relationship with the affair and what it did to me.

 

 

There is just so much more baggage to work through after an affair driven breakup then a "normal" breakup. I was mad at my ex, mad at the affair partner, mad at those who knew and said nothing, mad at myself for missing things and not trusting my instincts. All these are absent in a committed relationship that does not work out.

 

 

I can handle having a relationship not working out between two people. We go our separate ways and wish each other well. When there is an affair there were so many unanswered questions about myself and the relationship. I felt I was such a rotten person that I was not even worth a breakup that she had to go elsewhere. Discovering the affair crushed my self-esteem. I think there is no comparison in my experience with the two types of endings to relationships.

[Raena]

Well, here's a twist on your thinking....

 

My ex and I had this conversation and he basically thought that it would be harder to tell me he was unhappy and leave if he hadn't cheated. In his mind, it was a whole lot easier to tell me that he cheated and let me do the ending of the relationship.

 

So from his perspective... forcing me to kick his lying butt out and not want him anymore was so much better than him leaving and me thinking that we might just work it out. This way he knew he burned the bridge and was sure that I wouldn't beg him to stay.

 

But... the real kicker is... it's only been a little over 2 months and he's already talking about how he wished he hadn't done it this way because now that he left and was with her he realized exactly how good he had it with me. BWAHAHAHA.... yeah right, I'm not believing that lie either.... lol

 

Anyhow... would it have hurt less if he told me he was unhappy and moved out? No... I don't think it would have. I was kind of feeling the same way he was and it could have been amicable had he come to me and talked to me like an adult. Instead, he had to humiliate me and hurt me in the process.... so no it isn't easier to be left for another person, it would have been easier if we both decided it was over and then ended it.

[Raena]

It is never fun either way. I have been fortunate to experience both (lucky me). Being dumped with another person warmed up as you put it was much worse. The reason I found it difficult was because if things do not work out between two people you can agree to just go your own way or if you are dumped without another person in the picture you can evaluate the relationship, yourself, etc.

 

 

When another person is in the relationship equation I found all kinds of confusing relationship parameters. First I had to not only address the loss of the relationship but the betrayal, the lies, the sneaking around that a person I believed cared about me was doing. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and continued to wonder how a person who said they cared about me could sneak around and cheat like it was nothing.

 

 

Another part of the affair equation was dealing with the affair partner. What kind of arrogant "person" comes into someone else's relationship and believes they can have their way with MY ex. I struggled with that mindset for sometime. I just didn't understand that mentality.

 

 

The big one for me was trusting people again after the affair relationship failed. I punished several dates after that for trivial reasons and was carrying over anger from my last relationship that the cheating took place. I could not trust for a long time and the slightest inconsistencies and appearances of lies ended several short term relationships. This was all due to the previous relationship with the affair and what it did to me.

 

 

There is just so much more baggage to work through after an affair driven breakup then a "normal" breakup. I was mad at my ex, mad at the affair partner, mad at those who knew and said nothing, mad at myself for missing things and not trusting my instincts. All these are absent in a committed relationship that does not work out.

 

 

I can handle having a relationship not working out between two people. We go our separate ways and wish each other well. When there is an affair there were so many unanswered questions about myself and the relationship. I felt I was such a rotten person that I was not even worth a breakup that she had to go elsewhere. Discovering the affair crushed my self-esteem. I think there is no comparison in my experience with the two types of endings to relationships.

 

I couldn't have said this better myself... you hit the nail right on the head for me with how I am feeling about being cheated on after the fact. Yes, all of those thoughts and feelings about the lies, the humiliation... it's so much worse than just and amicable break up.

[Raena]

Oh shoot... I wrote my response wrong...

I meant to say "Anyhow... would it have hurt less if he told me he was unhappy and moved out? Yes, I think it would have"

[RightThere]

I like this post a lot. It made me think.

 

In terms of what would make me feel worse? Initially, knowing there was another man and I was being cheated on and that is who I was being left for, that was much worse. Probably just because there is a whole range of emotion that goes along with that.

 

But after a bit of time, it has helped me move on much quicker knowing that (1) She is definitely trading down with her next version and (2) many of the problems we had in our relationship during the later half were because there was someone else.

 

I think it would be the opposite if there wasn't anyone else. Initially I would think that we do just need the time apart, but later on I would feel worse about knowing that the breakdown of our relationship had a lot to do with what I did in it.

 

The answer to this question may also vary greatly between men and women.

[whatatangledweb]

I would have less pain if he walked away because the marriage no longer made him happy. Leaving you for someone else means they chose another person over you. So on top of finding out they have been lying, cheating, and betraying you, you get that painful rejection.

 

I loved my ex husband when I divorced him. But we were not happy together. We make much better friends now and we are both happy with other people. I felt bad enough divorcing him when he did not want to. To have rejected him for someone else would have destroyed something in him. He didn't deserve that. We tried to fix our marriage or I did. I failed to do so.

[oldshirt]

One involves..rejection.

 

The other...rejection AND betrayal.

 

Both are painful...one however has that extra FU added as a side.

 

That's a good point.

[Fluttershy]

There is this woman I know who after about ten years of marriage and two children her husband up and divorced her. She was completely blinded side as she thought they had a very good marriage. He told her he no longer loved her the way he should and he was tired of "pretending" for appearance. So, she started to dig. I remember her talking to my mom about it a lot (they were freinds of my parents). She was sure he must have been having an affair. But where we lived at the time it is quite small. She waited for a short time to pass and hin turn up with a girlfriend. He didn't. There was no sign of cheating everywhere. She was so destroyed by him just leaving. Her words to my mom were.

"at least if he had been cheating it would make sense."

I think she had a hard time letting go. She waited for him even a she waited to find out he had cheated. It didn't help that he never moved or really changed much of anything and continued being in their kids lives. This is why even if a spouse decides to exit the marriage they should confess an affair. I was in my mid teens when this happened and I remember this woman who was so tormented by unanswered questions. If he did cheat his confessing could have helped her move on.

I think what he did was terrible. He betrayed her because he didn't keep his vows or try to work on the marriage or even express their was a problem. I won't say cheating is worse or better in this type of situation. It doesn't matter because all he probably did was pat his back and say "at least I didn't cheat"

If he had cheated we can't say it would be worse or better. Because each situation and person involved is different.

But in most cases... Cheatin is worse because it usually involves a higher level of dishonesty, selfishness, and betrayal.

[Raena]

Fluttershy... I have a feeling your mom's friend would have been saying "how could he cheat, we were so happy" and then torment herself over all the lies had that been the reason. Either way she would have been tormented in trying to figure out "why" after the fact... especially since she was completely unaware that her husband was unhappy and it took her by surprise.

[Journee]

Hmmmmm..

 

Well, I guess the closest situation I can come up with was a boy I dated before my H and I got together. I was just head over heels with this guy. He was a class A jerk and since has apologized for some of his behavior (this was years ago). Yet, I just adored him. It wasn't a very healthy relationship and did need to end. He would dump me at the least twice a month. Over really trivial things.

 

The last time he dumped me because I went home to see my parent's for the weekend from school and left my phone charger in my room. My phone died. He could not get a hold of me for me to take him somewhere and he left me a series of cruel messages. He told me that he wanted us to go out to dinner but was upset he couldn't get a hold of me. So when we finally went, he used our dinner as a platform to dump me yet again. To tell me I was a good girl that would make someone very happy one day. That is he was single later in life he would look me up.....

 

Yeah, I moved away and my ex begged me back for a few weeks and in that time ended up getting a younger girl pregnant. They married immediately.

 

At first I was just heartbroken that I must not had been good enough. Something must had been wrong with me. That I wasn't good enough for marriage ( I was a kid, I was not ready for marriage, but it still stung) but this young lady was.

 

Then I realized that it wasn't about someone being "better than" me. I was/am a good person. He and I just were not a good fit for several reasons. He has been with his wife ever since and I with my H.

 

It was a relief to be out of that relationship. It was just so ridiculous, looking back.

 

This bf didn't leave me for someone else but did dump me just to turn around and marry someone else. Who knows if something was going on while we were together or not.

 

His being with someone else just really put the nail in the coffin. There was no turning back then. No make ups to be had. It made it easier for me to let go with definitive knowledge that he was with someone else.

 

I had begun dating my H shortly after that dump dinner so I guess that eased the break too. It was a relief like I said. It was just so toxic. So maybe the nature of the relationship could be taken into consideration also? Once removed from it one may begin to see just how whack-a-doo they were to stick around at all. May be relieved like I was?

 

So many different situations out there isn't there?

[Fluttershy]

Fluttershy... I have a feeling your mom's friend would have been saying "how could he cheat, we were so happy" and then torment herself over all the lies had that been the reason. Either way she would have been tormented in trying to figure out "why" after the fact... especially since she was completely unaware that her husband was unhappy and it took her by surprise.

 

I disagree, she was quite religeous and believed cheating was a temptation that he fell into. Besides that it would have given her some closure to her digging. I think to this day she still feels he must have cheated.

[Raena]

I disagree, she was quite religeous and believed cheating was a temptation that he fell into. Besides that it would have given her some closure to her digging. I think to this day she still feels he must have cheated.

 

You know... I sat here thinking about it after I wrote that post and started to question my own response.

 

I'm thinking about my own situation... had he not cheated on me and just said he wanted to leave I probably would be sitting here trying to figure out how to fix what was wrong and continue to try to make this failed relationship work. The fact that he cheated keeps me from doing that. In a way, it closed the door forever to reconciliation. (or what you call closure for your mom's friend)

 

Maybe you are right, maybe my initial reaction was... I don't know. I guess there isn't a straightforward, black and white answer to this question.

[sidney2718]

Ok we hear it again and again that people should leave their spouse/SO before they take up with someone else.

 

I get that that is the "right" thing to do and that people should communicate their dissatisfaction and "work on the marriage" before taking up with someone else.

 

What my question is is when you are the dumped, is it really better if your partner leaves you when there ISN'T anyone else?????

 

Before you give a knee-jerk yes, think about it.

 

If your partner dumps you for someone else, it means they like them better and they think that the will have a better future with them than you. That hurts!!! It hurts to have someone else better you.

 

But consider this, if someone dumps you and they DON'T have someone else warmed up on deck, or even if they just want the opportunity to get back on the market and find someone else, that means they just don't like YOU and simply just wants to be free from YOU.

 

So now my question here is, will that cause less pain, less heartache, less turmoil, less second-guessing, less bargaining and pleading, less baggage and a shorter and more efficient recovery period than if there was a 3rd party involved???

 

I'm not talking the morality or ethics of it or which is the approved "right" method. I'm talking about does one way or the other way cause less pain and suffer on the dumped in real world application?

 

I agree with you. This is a major question. My opinion is that in real life almost everything depends on other things.

 

I think many would prefer to be left for someone than to be left for no one. Reading postings by dumpees are very painful. On the other hand, one can always rationalize being dumped -- the departing spouse is crazy, has mental problems, and besides, I didn't much like them anyway. So that makes it easier.

 

On a related issue, a spouse having an affair does NOT always make the WS evil, though that is often presented as the normal opinion. Things do not happen for no reason at all. And very few spouses cheat (or dump) for no reason. We can argue about the reason being sufficient motivation, but we should stop acting as if there is no reason.

 

And of course that reason, often the fault of the BS, is caused by other reasons, often caused by the WS and others.

 

Which is why infidelity and dumping are very difficult subjects to deal with.

 

At least that's my opinion.

[underpants]

This is an interesting question.

 

Getting cheated on just sucks, being just dumped also just sucks.

 

Couple that with a marriage, children, obligation, entitlement, financial worries, forms of abuse, aging and the stress that accompanies life challenges, tolerances, how one copes, fear, guilt... and the answers are often not so clear.

 

One thing cheating does do is give the betrayed an immediate out. They can leave / kick the other out, blame free, so to speak. A get out of jail free card for some.

 

One thing treating someone like crap, resenting, alienating, raging at your partner...etc., can do is bait the trap for cheating. Does anyone deserve to be cheated on? No, but it can happen, unfortunately. People can feel trapped and all the integrity in the world can go out the window if the right set of circumstances present themselves.

 

Later, or never, a betrayed may acknowledge that they may have contributed to the demise of the relationship (not the cheating). They may be able to make some changes to have a more fulfilling faithful relationship in the future, from those hard lessons. Most likely with someone new as proven over time relationship dynamics and patterns are extremely difficult to permanently change.

 

Or the betrayed and/or wayward may realize that they should have never put up with a, b, or c, d, e, or f. Why model that dysfunction to children? Why did it have get to the point of cheating to end a one sided, bad match, toxic, abusive or just plan apathetic and depressing situation?

 

...then again, some people are just disordered selfish flaming turds. Most of us have stepped in a pile of it now and again, it is how long we let it stay on our shoe that matters.

 

The human condition, facinating.

Edited December 20, 2013 by underpants

[road]

From what I have read is that many a BS never new there was or could not prove that there was an affair before the divorce.

 

 

Most WW does not leave until they have an OM lined up to replace the BH.

 

 

This makes me think that most that got left got left for someone even if they did not know it.

[Ap22]

If your partner dumps you for someone else, it means they like them better and they think that the will have a better future with them than you. That hurts!!! It hurts to have someone else better you.

 

But consider this, if someone dumps you and they DON'T have someone else warmed up on deck, or even if they just want the opportunity to get back on the market and find someone else, that means they just don't like YOU and simply just wants to be free from YOU.

 

 

If my wife and i arent getting along and we divorce, fine. Yes it will hurt, yes it could be messy, but in the end it just didnt work. Even though we may not like each other, we had enough respect for each other to give it a try....sometimes things just dont work they way they should.

 

Now, her leaving me for another man.....you best believe that divorce will be war. She may not have liked what I am, we may have drifted apart, but the lack of respect shown as your spouse is unacceptable.

[cozycottagelg]

My husband and I are not in a good place right now. Haven't been. There has been no infidelity, but we have had conversations about it.

 

A little back story, he was cheated on by his first wife and has never forgiven her. He still thinks she is a horrible person and has nothing good to say about her. They haven't been together in 13 years and if he talks about her, it was like he was scorned yesterday. She left him for another man.

 

One night in bed when we were talking about where we were at, he was asking if there was someone else, I said no, and he said "It would almost be easier if you said there was, I can't believe that leaving for nothing is better than being with me." I don't know how true that would be if I did leave for someone else, just stating one conversation. For him, it would hurt for me leave for nothing.

 

I wonder if it is easier for him to deal with a cheater, because he knows those emotions; hate, disgust, anger... but if someone left him to be alone, that is maybe harder because then you are wondering what you did wrong or what is wrong with you.

[RightThere]

I wonder if it is easier for him to deal with a cheater, because he knows those emotions; hate, disgust, anger... but if someone left him to be alone, that is maybe harder because then you are wondering what you did wrong or what is wrong with you.

 

Both situations SHOULD involve introspection by your husband, but I agree the initial reaction would be the "easier, more known" emotions that come with infidelity.

[ChooseTruth]

From what I have read is that many a BS never new there was or could not prove that there was an affair before the divorce.

 

 

Most WW does not leave until they have an OM lined up to replace the BH.

 

 

This makes me think that most that got left got left for someone even if they did not know it.

The lady who wrote "Women's Infidelity" makes this point in her books. She pretty much states that if walk away wives aren't already cheating, they at least have someone else in mind.