Binah Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Hi Everyone, I posted a thread a few days ago about my struggle to get over an ex-boyfriend (original post included below). I keep going back and re-reading the texts from him a couple weeks ago and I'm trying to decipher if he was trying to gently let me down in these texts, or if he does love me and is not ready, or if he was flat out stringing my along. Here are the texts (my first text was sent after we went on a date and slept together after 4 years since breaking up): **** Me: I feel I need to tell you that every time I see you, I end up feeling really negative afterwards. I love you very much, but I feel that the things you say to me when we're together are dishonest and insincere. Him: What!? What are you referring to? (He tried to call, I didn't answer) Him: B??? Me: Here's the thing. I love you. When we see each other and you tell me that you love me, I take you seriously. When you tell me that you would marry me, I take you seriously. When you tell me you will come to my synagogue I take you seriously. I now think you tell me these things half joking--or maybe totally joking. But it's not a joke to me. Him: I will come to the synagogue. I said I would. Marriage, I do say I would, and who knows, maybe I would. And I do love you. We haven't spent time together in so long. I'm not using you or lying to you. I can't just jump in head first though either. Me: I don't think you're intentionally lying to me and I don't think you're using me...but I don't think you always think through how I'm going to feel about things before you say them. I take what you say at face value. My point is you need to be careful with me, because I love you and you have the capacity to really hurt me. Him: Ugh. So now what? I do love you B. I just think sometimes you want things I cannot give you. Me: All I'm asking is for you to be more careful with what you say to me, so I don't have unrealistic expectations. Him: Ok, B. I do want to come to synagogue. ***** After this exchange we texted in a friendly manner over the next couple of days and then I didn't hear from him over the weekend. The next week I invite him to a class at the synagogue, which you can see he said he wanted to do, and he told me he would check with his friend and get back to me. He didn't get back to me. I waited another week and invited him to a dinner party, which you can read about below in full, but basically he didn't respond at first, I prompted him again and he said he wasn't sure if he was comfortable with the dress code. I messaged him the next day apologizing if he felt I was pressuring him on it and he never responded. ANY HELP OR ADVICE????? ****** Original thread: I'm struggling with an ex-boyfriend who I have remained friends with since our breakup four years ago. Over the four years since we broke up, there have been times when he wanted to get back together, but I was in another relationship - and then were times he was in a relationship and I wanted to try again. As of last month, we were both single for the first time since we broke up. He asked me to dinner and I accepted. During dinner he confessed that he still loves me and would still like to marry me someday. I confessed my feeling for him as well and we ended up sleeping together. A few days after, I began to feel anxious about where we were heading and if I could trust him again (he had cheated on me during our relationship). I asked him to please be honest with me about his feelings and not to make claims about being in love if he is not serious. He assured me that he does love me, would marry, but that he cannot just jump in head first to a relationship again. He said he needs some time to be single as his last relationship ended just a month before and he needs to fully heal. I initially felt good about this conversation because I was able to express myself and I felt the door to honest communication was open. However, about a week after this discussion, I invited him to a dinner party and he did not respond. I checked with him by text the next day and he was noncommittal about the invitation, saying he wasn't comfortable with the dress code of the party. I tried calling him to discuss this and he put my call to voicemail. He then texted me and said that he was in a loud place and would call me later. He never called. I texted him the next day and apologized if I he felt I had pressured him about the party and he never responded. That was a week ago and still no response. I've known this man for 9 years and he has never just ignored me like that. We have always remained on good terms and in communication. I'm especially confused by this behavior as just a week before he told me he loved me and talked about marriage. I want to reach out to him and try to understand what's going on, but I'm afraid that I've somehow pushed him away. I hate the feeling of having to be calculating with someone I've known for so long.
Zahara Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 You can ask the same questions, rephrase your posts, etc. Go back and read that other thread. Bottom line: No response is a response. 1
Author Binah Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 I'm just struggling to understand how you can tell someone you love them and then just drop them. It's heartbreaking.
chris21422 Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Because he is a lying scambug.. He doesn't love you. A person who love someone doesn't act like that. I'm just struggling to understand how you can tell someone you love them and then just drop them. It's heartbreaking.
Zahara Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 I'm just struggling to understand how you can tell someone you love them and then just drop them. It's heartbreaking. Sometimes people will tell you what you want to hear. It's not what he is saying that you should be focusing on, it's what he's doing. Actions. Not words. What are his actions telling you? He probably told you he loved you to get you back on whatever his terms. When he realized that you needed more, he disappeared because he had to be accountable to his words and he couldn't come through for you. When you love someone, you stay, you work at the relationship, you communicate, you protect their feelings, you want to be with them...you don't disappear. Look at his actions. Forget his words. 2
Author Binah Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 I guess I need to re-read these threads over and over. I will feel good and strong for a day, and then something will trigger me and I feel like I'm back where I started. This has been going on in some fashion or another for 9 years. It's really scary.
legion113 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Wait a minute, I don't know why you guys are making this guy out to be a scumbag. I think he was very mature in trying to call her when she was TEXTING him about some pretty important stuff. Texts can be taken out of context, as you don't hear the tone of voice of the person saying them. You don't hear the sadness or the pain. Binah is the one who ignored the phone and continued to text. That's not how you discuss things in a relationship, at least not a good one. In her first text, she was also calling him a liar and telling him that he MAKES her feel bad. Why wouldn't he want to stay away?
Author Binah Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 I admit I've made mistakes in this relationship. I texted because I wanted to be able to express myself without interruption and he seldom checks email. Granted, I made a mistake, but putting all our collective past bad behavior aside, after 9 years of knowing me, could he not confront me and tell me that he is done. Why just ice me out? Wait a minute, I don't know why you guys are making this guy out to be a scumbag. I think he was very mature in trying to call her when she was TEXTING him about some pretty important stuff. Texts can be taken out of context, as you don't hear the tone of voice of the person saying them. You don't hear the sadness or the pain. Binah is the one who ignored the phone and continued to text. That's not how you discuss things in a relationship, at least not a good one. In her first text, she was also calling him a liar and telling him that he MAKES her feel bad. Why wouldn't he want to stay away?
legion113 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Maybe he's still trying to figure out if you guys really are done. I know I wouldn't want to make the mistake of saying something I didn't mean with you and have you trust my words even less than you already do.
Author Binah Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 All good points, but why not say that. Why leave me hanging when I've been very clear with in (in person and otherwise) that I love him and fear that he will hurt me. Does he not think being discarded hurts? Maybe he's still trying to figure out if you guys really are done. I know I wouldn't want to make the mistake of saying something I didn't mean with you and have you trust my words even less than you already do.
legion113 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Hmmm, just realized you guys have been in a relationship for 9 years...and you both still can't communicate with each other or tell what the other is thinking or doing. Not a good sign I'm afraid....
Author Binah Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 We've known each other for 9 years. Been broken up for 4 years and just recently went on a date. We've always remained friends and in contact. Even in the most brutal times of our relationship, I can't remember him ignoring me or dropping off. I've heard a lot of things from him that I wasn't happy about, but never silence after I've reached out. Hmmm, just realized you guys have been in a relationship for 9 years...and you both still can't communicate with each other or tell what the other is thinking or doing. Not a good sign I'm afraid....
legion113 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 Sounds like it's gotten even worse then. I had an argument with my ex gf last night, and I ignored her for like 5 minutes until I cooled off. Then I answered the phone. That's the only reason I would ignore someone I love actually, to give us both time to cool off, not to make them suffer. Maybe that's what he's doing?
emi Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 When my ex dumped me he's told me the same **** '' i love you, i dont want do this, this is really hurting me'' bla bla bla. And guess what : im still dumped, already and nothing gonna changed it. I guessed this isnt his first relationship, he knew what the heck he putting you throught, if he really love you, im damn sure he wont let you suffer. When i got dumped ( 1st time) i didnt know what is NC and i nvr been to this type of site before, but u know im just instincally pull NC. I dont know why i did, but i think its my defence mechanism that NC is a right thing to do since i dont want expose to get anymore hurtful thing. And u know when im in NC its really hell. I used to think that things can be salvaged, that he would come back, i felt guilty and keep going back to square 1. Then one day after 4 months of full NC he sent me a text '' Hey. whats up'' like nothing ever happened. Thats suck Bottom line is no matter how many advice u been given, u will find urself cling to him until the point u cant take it anymore. Thats when it dawn on you that you should have let go at the first place. So just do everything, cry, punch something but hold yourself not to contact him until you get your sanity back
Author Binah Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 What's most hurtful is the last thing I sent him was an apology. An apology if he felt I was pressuring him about going to the dinner party. The text was sweet and apologetic. It wasn't like my last text to him was angry. If I meant something to him, he would not disappear like this. Am I right? I've been thinking of changing my number, as I'm starting to realize I won't hear from him again until he is lonely or needs some energy. And I know I won't be strong enough to resist. Thoughts? Sounds like it's gotten even worse then. I had an argument with my ex gf last night, and I ignored her for like 5 minutes until I cooled off. Then I answered the phone. That's the only reason I would ignore someone I love actually, to give us both time to cool off, not to make them suffer. Maybe that's what he's doing?
Author Binah Posted December 20, 2013 Author Posted December 20, 2013 I know I'm strong enough to stop calling and texting him, but I don't think I have it in me to ignore him if he reaches out. That's why I'm thinking the only way I can go NC is by changing my number. It breaks my heart though that after 9 years it's come to this. When my ex dumped me he's told me the same **** '' i love you, i dont want do this, this is really hurting me'' bla bla bla. And guess what : im still dumped, already and nothing gonna changed it. I guessed this isnt his first relationship, he knew what the heck he putting you throught, if he really love you, im damn sure he wont let you suffer. When i got dumped ( 1st time) i didnt know what is NC and i nvr been to this type of site before, but u know im just instincally pull NC. I dont know why i did, but i think its my defence mechanism that NC is a right thing to do since i dont want expose to get anymore hurtful thing. And u know when im in NC its really hell. I used to think that things can be salvaged, that he would come back, i felt guilty and keep going back to square 1. Then one day after 4 months of full NC he sent me a text '' Hey. whats up'' like nothing ever happened. Thats suck Bottom line is no matter how many advice u been given, u will find urself cling to him until the point u cant take it anymore. Thats when it dawn on you that you should have let go at the first place. So just do everything, cry, punch something but hold yourself not to contact him until you get your sanity back
Zahara Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 I know I'm strong enough to stop calling and texting him, but I don't think I have it in me to ignore him if he reaches out. That's why I'm thinking the only way I can go NC is by changing my number. It breaks my heart though that after 9 years it's come to this. But really, after 9 years, what do you have to show for? You're romanticizing it because you spent 9 years back and forth, both of you being available/unavailable, and then when you were with him, he also cheated on you. Should be a blessing that you don't spend anymore years doing this song and dance. Time to get off the rollercoaster ride.
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