Bishop556 Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 (edited) So my ex broke up with me about a month ago. We had a fight and I accidentally raised a fist at her, so she broke up with me the next morning because I could potentially abuse her. Well, I apologized, walked to her house with a card and a candle to show her that I truly cared for her, and even wrote her a two page letter showing that I was willing to make the relationship work. After a month, I found out she had slept with two guys and is now planning on dating one of them. I did stalk her for while on her tumblr and she found out and told me to stop harassing her. I'm following her wishes, but I feel ultimately betrayed by her. I was very loving and caring to this woman, and her method of coping is to **** other guys. I know I opened Pandora's box by looking at her tumblr, but how could someone who loved you for a year and a half move on so quickly and treat you like ****? I feel as if I never mattered, as if the only love she had for me was infatuation. I'm not perfect by any means. Stalking my ex is a big no-no! I learned my lesson as I wish I never had to find out about her sexual conquests that she would openly talk about. It was unhealthy of me to do so. How can I recover from this? I loved this woman, I was even planning to get an apartment with her. Should I even apologize for stalking her eventually down the line, maybe in a few months? Should I ask her for coffee to discuss our issues so we can come to a resolution? I know this post is all over place, sorry about that. Edited December 19, 2013 by Bishop556
Philosoraptor Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Ah, well that brings a little more light to your story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/449530-confessions-liar So you raised your fist to her? She had valid reasons to end the relationship. She didn't betray you, she's moving on. Whether you want to believe it or not she doesn't owe you anything. She can sleep around as much as she wants. It's nothing against you... she's just living her life the way she chooses to live it. You need to let her be. She ended the relationship and has told you she does not want to continue contacting you. You need to let her go, heal up, fix your issues, and eventually move on to a happy relationship with someone else.
Author Bishop556 Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 I understand that, but if a relationship has been loving until then, how could you automatically assume someone will be abusive? I know you disagree with me, but I feel when two people experience problems in a relationship, they work through the issues. I offered couple counseling and other methods to work through this as I really wished to maintain a relationship with her. I loved this woman and would have gone to world's end to make her happy. How could she not see the loving side of me? I would always treated her like a princess. I don't feel that it is fair to break up with someone after a year and a half relationship when trouble brews. I feel we could have worked through the issues and made our relationship even stronger.
martin1988 Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I understand that, but if a relationship has been loving until then, how could you automatically assume someone will be abusive? I know you disagree with me, but I feel when two people experience problems in a relationship, they work through the issues. I offered couple counseling and other methods to work through this as I really wished to maintain a relationship with her. I loved this woman and would have gone to world's end to make her happy. How could she not see the loving side of me? I would always treat her like a princess. I don't feel that it is fair to break up with someone after a year and a half relationship when trouble brews. I feel we could have worked through the issues and made our relationship even stronger. I guess it is fair to see why the threat of physical violence could be a make or break issue for some people. trust takes a long time to come but it can go quite easily.
Philosoraptor Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Understand that she and you do not see eye to eye on this issue. She decided that it was not something worth working through. Sadly you have zero influence on what she feels is a deal breaker or not. Has she been abused in the past? Does she know any abused women? Does she not have the right to see things as "yes, he has a loving side... but he raised his fist to me when we were having a verbal argument"... and decide that is something not worth trying to repair? Her reasons are her's and her's alone. All you can do is accept that she made these choices and move on.
Author Bishop556 Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 She was abused in the past. The issue I see is this, she tells me that she is not comparing me to her ex, but she obviously is. For example, I called her so we could resolve our issues and she compared me to her ex. She told me that since I loved her and he loved her, I can become just like him while forgetting the fact that he cheated on her twice before hitting her while I have always been by her side to comfort her through her difficult times. She even told me that this breakup was a good idea as it would teach me a lesson not to potentially abuse anyone. She told me that I never cared for her which is obviously a lie. Even her mother was very upset when she broke up with me. She really liked me and thought I was a catch. Now, I understand why it would be a deal breaker in her point of view, but I feel anyone else could differentiate potential abuse and actual abuse in a partner especially when the relationship was very loving for more than a year.
seekingpeaceinlove Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 "Accidentally" raise a fist to her? You need to figure out the root issue as to why you would ever raise a fist to a woman let alone your gf at the time. It was no "accident." Take responsibility for your own actions. If anyone I was dating raised a fist to me it would be over. Deal breaker. Right now, rather than wondering why she chose not to stay with you I think you should focus on never allowing that to happen ever again. Your ex could no longer be in a relationship with someone she felt threatened by...it was her deal breaker too. For whatever reason, she felt that this issue could not be worked through. If you love and respect her you will leave her alone. Focus on yourself and learning from your mistakes.
Philosoraptor Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Triggers are triggers. Abuse isn't something that you just get over. She may not have been comparing the two of you before, but once your fist rose it surely triggered those painful emotions. Take this as a lesson to never let a verbal spat cause any physical action on your part. On her end, she's doing the same thing many people do at the end of a relationship. She's rewriting the past and making herself feel better about the breakup. Regardless, this is a lost cause and you're doing nothing but wasting what little time you have in this life trying to figure it out.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Yeah, any threat of physical violence is going to be a dealbreaker for most people, and for good reason. This is definitely beyond saving. Use this time to get your temper and impulses under control. The fact that you allowed yourself to get to the point of almost striking her is a huge red flag. 2
seekingpeaceinlove Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 (edited) In fact, what your ex is doing now is paying attention to the red flags rather than ignoring them like she probably did in her previous abusive relationship. She is doing what she feels is right for herself. Respect it. Raising a fist to her is one of the worst things you could do to someone who had been abused. No you didn't actually hit her, but in her eyes the intention is still the same. You physically threatened her. What's even more concerning is the fact that you don't seem to think this is a problem for you. You write, "I guess it is fair to see why the threat of physical violence could be a make or break issue for some people. trust takes a long time to come but it can go quite easily." Like I said, work on fixing what triggered you to raise your fist.. Edited December 19, 2013 by seekingpeaceinlove
Author Bishop556 Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 I know why I raised a fist. I was undergoing a panic attack at the time. She was yelling at me and grabbed my shoulder. I felt threatened, but that was no excuse. I tried to explain this to her, and tried to repair the damage I caused. I feel horrible for hurting her.
InnocentMan Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I know why I raised a fist. I was undergoing a panic attack at the time. She was yelling at me and grabbed my shoulder. I felt threatened, but that was no excuse. I tried to explain this to her, and tried to repair the damage I caused. I feel horrible for hurting her. I think you just have to let this one go, and put it down to experience. When it gets to the stage of violence, either threatened or actual, then there is obviously deep problems with the relationship. It probably could have been worked out, but seeing as how it panned out, I think it's just one that got away. It doesn't mean you are an abusive man, but you should probably find a way of better controlling your anger.
Author Bishop556 Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 You guys are right. I broke her trust and she now must be viewing me as a monster. I believe the best course of action for me to undergo is to focus and improve myself so this never happens to anyone ever again, and in time to apologize in person when things die down. Now, the apology will not be to reconcile with her, no, I only wish to sincerely tell her that I am sorry that I hurt her so dearly. I am a loving man. I have always treated my ex with respect, but I am capable of great hurt to those that I love. I have to admit that while I am not an abuser, I have the potential to become one. This terrifies me, but I must admit it to myself. If I have the potential to be loving for more than a year, then I can be so again for my next partner. I only wish to show my ex that I am not abusive in some way. She was everything to me, and I carelessly hurt her. I feel so ashamed of myself. How could I do that to someone I loved with so much passion? I feel like an utter fool for my actions. I hope though that someday she can forgive me for my actions even if I am not in her life. I truly love her, and I hope she finds happiness. Even though I am not with her, I wish her the best in what life has to offer. She deserves it.
seekingpeaceinlove Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I don't know you, Bishop, but I'm proud of you for what you said in your latest post. You acknowledge that you have an issue to deal with within yourself and that shows strength. Trust me, dealing with anger issues is not easy but be patient with yourself and know that with practice and time you will get there. If your relationship with your ex was genuine and there were indeed many loving memories, your ex will look fondly on them and, in time, will hopefully give you the opportunity to apologize. Most importantly, you will have to forgive yourself. We're all human and make mistakes...it's what you do afterwards that defines your character. Good luck. You guys are right. I broke her trust and she now must be viewing me as a monster. I believe the best course of action for me to undergo is to focus and improve myself so this never happens to anyone ever again, and in time to apologize in person when things die down. Now, the apology will not be to reconcile with her, no, I only wish to sincerely tell her that I am sorry that I hurt her so dearly. I am a loving man. I have always treated my ex with respect, but I am capable of great hurt to those that I love. I have to admit that while I am not an abuser, I have the potential to become one. This terrifies me, but I must admit it to myself. If I have the potential to be loving for more than a year, then I can be so again for my next partner. I only wish to show my ex that I am not abusive in some way. She was everything to me, and I carelessly hurt her. I feel so ashamed of myself. How could I do that to someone I loved with so much passion? I feel like an utter fool for my actions. I hope though that someday she can forgive me for my actions even if I am not in her life. I truly love her, and I hope she finds happiness. Even though I am not with her, I wish her the best in what life has to offer. She deserves it.
Author Bishop556 Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 We had numerous loving moments together. I would say that the last two weeks were the worst times of our relationship. I believe she just needs space, and maybe in two weeks or a month I'll text her if I can apologize to her in person.
Author Bishop556 Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 I guess you're right. I just am so terrified that she will never contact me again. I have a lot I want to say to her, but I feel I never will get that opportunity. I guess I need to just focus on myself, and develop myself into a better person than I was before. It is also respectful for me not to contact her.
seekingpeaceinlove Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 Agreed, you need to let her initiate. Do not contact her at all. We had numerous loving moments together. I would say that the last two weeks were the worst times of our relationship. I believe she just needs space, and maybe in two weeks or a month I'll text her if I can apologize to her in person.
Why so consistent Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I guess you're right. I just am so terrified that she will never contact me again. I have a lot I want to say to her, but I feel I never will get that opportunity. I guess I need to just focus on myself, and develop myself into a better person than I was before. It is also respectful for me not to contact her. im sorry to say this but u raised a fist on her and it will be nice if she accept your apology , i don't know you but i really hate a guy who will raise a fist to their love (sorry if i offend you) .
Author Bishop556 Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 Thank you. I just promise to myself that I will never hurt anyone like I did to her ever again. I do not approve of her actions as they were very hurtful to me, but I do recognize that I need to develop myself and become the person she feel in love with, not so I can get her back, but to become someone who is emotionally healthy and wonderful. I feel like crying right now as I can feel the loss and the regret, but I know I have the strength to get through this and become a wonderful human being. I know I'm venting once again, but I feel the need to type my thoughts out. I need to improve myself, and maybe my ex can see that I have changed, and is willing, not to give me a second chance, but to understand that I wil never become that person that she saw that night.
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