Should I take her back?

[damondavid]

3 months ago my girlfriend (we are both now 27) of 7 years broke up with me. I was completely surprised by it, as we had no problems in the relationship ( as she had always shown through her actions (and perhaps even neediness!) that she loved me very much. She was the one who wanted to do love things together and holidays etc. She told me she was 'having doubts', wanted to be independent, it was nothing to do with finding a better boyfriend, she still loved me, etc.

 

I was very upset and grieved hard for a couple of months. We met up recently. After which she told me how much she missed me. I was cold to her after the meet up. Basically she started begging and begging saying she knows now I'm the one she loves and it was the biggest mistake she has made in 27 years.

 

I put a lot of pressure on her that I felt she wasn't being honest with me about everything. Eventually she cracked. She told me in the few months leading up to the breakup she started becoming friends and developing feelings for a guy with work (she had only started in this job 6 months prior). On work nights out they were flirting. And she felt herself coming closer and closer to giving into the temptation. She said she didn't want to cheat on me.

 

So in the 2 months we were broken up she says she kissed him twice both on work nights out. I really put a lot of pressure on her to tell me if there was more. She swore on all her parents lives , grandparents graves etc that there was no more than 2 kisses on 2 different nights. He has texted her a couple of times since but she is not replying.

 

What tells me stay clear is:

• She saw how upset I was during the breakup and she had him on her mind,she went ahead with the breakup without trying to fix us, and she was kissing him only within a week after moving out of the house from me.
  
• She also told a lot of lies about her reasons for the breakup.
  
• This is not a once off drunken incident. This went on over months. Allowing herself develop feelings etc.
  

.

 

What tells me give another chance is,

• She is usually a very honest person. I have seen her crying after telling an innocent white lie to her mother. This incident was completely out of character.
  
• If she is telling the truth it was only 2 kisses. I can get over that.
  
• I have never had any other problems with her in the 7 years together, and we got on very well.
  
• People make mistakes, and good people deserve second chances.
  
• She seems very remorseful. She has spent hours on the phone begging and pleading and crying. And saying she has learnt a life long lesson about temptation.
  

[Never Again]

When did this "thing" with the guy at work end, and did you maintain contact during your time apart?

 

Here are the reasons I ask:

 

- She MAY have realized something over those 3 months...but what's really changed?

 

- If things with this other guy ended recently, then she's just branch-swinging back and forth. She needs to actually be single and independent for awhile before jumping into another relationship.

 

- When she claims she "developed feelings", what she's really saying is that she felt attracted to him. Attraction ebbs and flows in a long term relationship. Real love is having the ability to resist that kind of temptation, or to recognize that temptation outside of your relationship can reveal an opportunity to improve things inside it. She revealed a streak of immaturity by chasing him.

 

- The fact that you're hurt suggests that you haven't quite healed from the pain she caused you. If this is the case, then you're not ready to even consider getting back with her.

[damondavid]

When did this "thing" with the guy at work end, and did you maintain contact during your time apart?

 

Here are the reasons I ask:

 

- She MAY have realized something over those 3 months...but what's really changed?

 

- If things with this other guy ended recently, then she's just branch-swinging back and forth. She needs to actually be single and independent for awhile before jumping into another relationship.

 

- When she claims she "developed feelings", what she's really saying is that she felt attracted to him. Attraction ebbs and flows in a long term relationship. Real love is having the ability to resist that kind of temptation, or to recognize that temptation outside of your relationship can reveal an opportunity to improve things inside it. She revealed a streak of immaturity by chasing him.

 

- The fact that you're hurt suggests that you haven't quite healed from the pain she caused you. If this is the case, then you're not ready to even consider getting back with her.

 

Hi, thanks for your reply. I dont think there was any real thing to 'end'. There was flirting on work nights out, and there were 2 kisses. The rest was friendship in the office. There was nothing to end really as far as she was concerned. The 'end' meant not kissing him a 3rd time.

 

Yes, I am still hurt for sure over the break up and this development. Why is it that I shouldn't considering getting back with her while I am like this? IF anything will getting back with her and working together not fix it better?

[Clay]

It really does not sound like a good idea to go back with her. Its really a serious redflag for your future. What happens the next time she works with someone she likes?

 

I would move on. Her loss.

 

 

Clay

[AlphaC]

Go to counseling, take it slow but don't throw away 7 years. Sounds like she made a mistake, she came back because she knows what she had with you. I'm reading stories here on LS where women left 5 year relationships and got pregnant the very next month, not trying to scare you, but imagine how these men felt?

 

She didn't do much with this other guy, there is a book I am reading it's called Make Up Don't Break Up, it talks about relationships reaching an impasse, needing a break before marriage. Anyway, take it slow, its hard to break a LTR, grieve and then go back after all that heartache. If you care for her, have things in common and feel she will make a good future partner, you have to forgive and move on. That's my $.02, good luck.

[iworthmore]

you said:

" She told me in the few months leading up to the breakup she started becoming friends and developing feelings for a guy with work "

 

bro.. you shouldn't take her back!. that's my opinion. while she's with you she started developing those feeling for that guy. a woman in love wouldn't do that. and now you know the reason for the break up, it was the other man.

if i was you i will never take her back. don't believe those tears, believe me my ex cried and begged and left me after i took her back for the same guy i broke up with her for talking to.

maybe you'r ex is honest but you cant tell by her crying and swearing. she must show actions not tears and words. beside, you shouldn't be that easy and take her back right away you must have self respect and show her she's not welcomed any time in you'r life. you'r not a jewellery that she can take off and return it any time she wants.again its not abt impressing her its abt ur self worth.

i wud say, tell her you not ready and she has lost your trust. go NC right away. and see her actions. if she start missing you again and contact you asking for another chance for weeks then she can be too honest to put all that energy taking you back. OR you might find her hanging out with that guy again and forgetting abt you. if she loves you and she did a mistake she wont give up on you after 7 years together.

that's what i wud do in such situation. only time can prove if she's honest or not. no tears and no promises and no hugs can prove it.

again, im not comparing your ex with mine. but sharing my experience with you. my ex was serial liar. maybe ur's is honest and was 1 time mistake. but you must take the right steps to prevent another heartbreak, dont listen to ur heart and emotions, take a logic move and be smart.

best luck with that

[Kevin_D]

I think you should take her back. Nobody is perfect. 7 years is a long time.

 

Look at it this way: Obviously something stopped her from having sex with the guy. Her fantasies were probably more exciting than reality. Hopefully she has learned hew lesson now.

 

It's like when your parents told you not to drink too much, but it's not until you start vomiting that you realise what they were talking about.

 

Don't be a doormat though. Tell her that you have trust issues and explain that it's going to take a long time for her to earn your trust again.

[strive]

Here's my 2c.

 

Whether or not you take her back shouldn't be about what she did to you. Yes she made a mistake and yes was remorseful and pleading with you for another chance.

 

But the question you should be asking is: can you get over this? Will you be able to let it go and will you be able to trust her again? Or will you bring this up every time you have problems? Will you be paranoid every time she's at work that she's meeting other men and she might do this a second time to you?

 

This is a test on how well you know yourself, and make a decision that isn't driven by your current emotion.

 

Maybe you can forget this or get over it the first few months because you'll both be happy, but if you find yourself still thinking about it months or years after you get back together, then you'll most likely end up broken up again.

[Shaine]

Decide if this is just a bump or the end of the road for your relationship with her.

 

I think you should give her another chance.

[Iguanna]

With all my heart I suggest you take her back and give her another chance. Don't lose the love of your life for a mistake. All people have the right of a mistake and regret.

[Never Again]

Hi, thanks for your reply. I dont think there was any real thing to 'end'. There was flirting on work nights out, and there were 2 kisses. The rest was friendship in the office. There was nothing to end really as far as she was concerned. The 'end' meant not kissing him a 3rd time.

 

Yes, I am still hurt for sure over the break up and this development. Why is it that I shouldn't considering getting back with her while I am like this? IF anything will getting back with her and working together not fix it better?

 

By "end", I meant her interest. It doesn't much matter what happened. She was cheating on you emotionally before she left. She was honest with you about it, but it's still something she did.

 

However, to answer you're question...well, Strive answered it:

 

But the question you should be asking is: can you get over this? Will you be able to let it go and will you be able to trust her again? Or will you bring this up every time you have problems? Will you be paranoid every time she's at work that she's meeting other men and she might do this a second time to you?

 

This is a test on how well you know yourself, and make a decision that isn't driven by your current emotion.

 

Maybe you can forget this or get over it the first few months because you'll both be happy, but if you find yourself still thinking about it months or years after you get back together, then you'll most likely end up broken up again.

 

When you're hurt, it's more likely to cause other problems. You need to be able to forgive her 100% and be healed before you consider trying again.

 

She also needs time completely on her own to decide if this is what she really wants, or if she's running back to you because you're comfortable.

 

I'm not saying reject her completely. I was asking how long it's been since she stopped getting close to this other guy and how long the two of you have been NC because that matters. If she JUST stopped chasing this guy last week, you should tell her to give you some space for a month or two, and you can revisit the idea of the relationship then.

 

Either way, you need to be able to come to terms with what's going on first.

[lofi_tokyo]

Hi there! I'm in a very similar scenario as your ex, so perhaps I can offer some perspective from her side:

 

She's 27, right? So if she's at that age, she's probably at a point where she's thinking seriously about your long-term future together. Given that you've dated seven years, she likely doesn't have all that much to compare and contrast with in terms of what was working and what wasn't. Sometimes, you need a breather away from a relationship (including maybe [unfortunately] dating, kissing, spending time with, other people) in order to gain clarity that yes, this is what you want and the relationship is good. It can be really hard to get that clarity without some time away.

 

Also, you mention that you've seen her cry over telling her mother a white lie. So, my guess is that her having a crush on someone else probably plagued her so much - she likely would have felt like dating you while crushing on someone else was a lie that she couldn't put you through - and so she decided to leave to spare carrying on a lie. Let's face it though, crushes happen while you're in relationships! She needs to learn its not a lie to be someone crushing on someone else, it will pass, and it sounds like maybe she has.

 

I'd say if you and her had a healthy and solid relationship otherwise, go for it. Don't make her feel horrible about it - all in all, nothing THAT bad happened! It's okay to take things slow.

 

The one cravat, I think, would be that maybe she does need more time being single to figure more stuff out. Others have mentioned this, and I think there's some value to that. The more time I spend single, the more I learn. There's a point where getting back together needs to happen and should happen if both parties are wanting and willing, but I mean, if she's going to commit to you wholly for years to come, maybe its worth giving her a couple extra months on her own to do her own thing.

 

Just my two cents!

[lofi_tokyo]

She was cheating on you emotionally before she left. She was honest with you about it, but it's still something she did.

 

Just gotta unpack this a bit. Was she really "cheating" emotionally? I mean, its not like people internally think "okay, today, I'm going to go forge an emotional connection with someone outside of my relationship". I highly doubt she actively pursued a crush. Crushes just kinda spring up out of no where. It sounds to me like a crush sprung up, she couldn't get rid of it, she thought "oh ****" and left her relationship to avoid any sort of cheating.

 

Emotional cheating - which I *have* done (shame on me I know - I live in guilt eternally for that one), looks more like this: you have a crush, you acknowledge it, you seek to explore the emotional side of that crush while still dating someone else. Usually this includes talking with the crush openly about feelings for one another, etc. That's emotional cheating. Its actively seeking out and projecting the emotions that should be sacred in a relationship with someone else outside the relationship. A crush is a whole other ballgame.

Edited December 20, 2013 by tokyovogue
typos

[happydate]

3 months ago my girlfriend (we are both now 27) of 7 years broke up with me. I was completely surprised by it, as we had no problems in the relationship ( as she had always shown through her actions (and perhaps even neediness!) that she loved me very much. She was the one who wanted to do love things together and holidays etc. She told me she was 'having doubts', wanted to be independent, it was nothing to do with finding a better boyfriend, she still loved me, etc.

 

I was very upset and grieved hard for a couple of months. We met up recently. After which she told me how much she missed me. I was cold to her after the meet up. Basically she started begging and begging saying she knows now I'm the one she loves and it was the biggest mistake she has made in 27 years.

 

I put a lot of pressure on her that I felt she wasn't being honest with me about everything. Eventually she cracked. She told me in the few months leading up to the breakup she started becoming friends and developing feelings for a guy with work (she had only started in this job 6 months prior). On work nights out they were flirting. And she felt herself coming closer and closer to giving into the temptation. She said she didn't want to cheat on me.

 

So in the 2 months we were broken up she says she kissed him twice both on work nights out. I really put a lot of pressure on her to tell me if there was more. She swore on all her parents lives , grandparents graves etc that there was no more than 2 kisses on 2 different nights. He has texted her a couple of times since but she is not replying.

 

 

 

 

 

What tells me stay clear is:

• She saw how upset I was during the breakup and she had him on her mind,she went ahead with the breakup without trying to fix us, and she was kissing him only within a week after moving out of the house from me.
  
• She also told a lot of lies about her reasons for the breakup.
  
• This is not a once off drunken incident. This went on over months. Allowing herself develop feelings etc.
  

.

 

 

 

 

 

What tells me give another chance is,

• She is usually a very honest person. I have seen her crying after telling an innocent white lie to her mother. This incident was completely out of character.
  
• If she is telling the truth it was only 2 kisses. I can get over that.
  
• I have never had any other problems with her in the 7 years together, and we got on very well.
  
• People make mistakes, and good people deserve second chances.
  
• She seems very remorseful. She has spent hours on the phone begging and pleading and crying. And saying she has learnt a life long lesson about temptation.
  

 

You haven't learned to forgive her yet, so I think that you should let yourself heal before you attempt another chance with her. She is only human and she will make mistakes. You made it sounded as though you did not make any mistakes while you were in the relationship.

 

Let me explain.

When you are dating a woman, a woman will always impose her experience upon you and sharing the bare minimum to let you clue in what she's all about. Women are emotional beings, so they don't express like us men do. They use hints and clues to express themselves to you what they like you to change. Like your behaviour or attitude and psychological imbalances. Her actions are subtle, but most likely most men think with their wand rather their heart. She will always invite you into her experience and she is always hoping that you will walk with her to enjoy the experience. 7 years together meant that she had trust and faith that she hopes you will love her enough to walk with her when the time comes.

 

But what men do best? We procrastinate! So, someday she will outgrow the relationship and that's what she did. And it usually starts out usually with one person in a relationship, usually a GUY (man), who refuses to talk about the crap she has to put up (due to his own inflated ego) that scares the heck out of him, so then he says something hurtful or judgemental out of his OWN FEAR baggage. But then the girlfriend usually don't want to get burned or again, so she decided that the boyfriend or husband simply does not understand her. Ring a bell? Next thing you know you got dropped without any reasons and wonder why she had changed so much.

 

Why did she went with the other guy? Because the other LISTENED to her because he didn't have that fear shown to her yet and you did. You were indifferent and you got dropped.

Why did the other guy lost his chance? Because he did exactly what you did. Perhaps he showed even more fear than you did, and so women will always go back to the man who showed the least amount fear, fear to face the relationship hardship head on.

 

You are this man, because she is giving you a second shot.

 

Most men failed second chances because of their inflated ego. Their inflated ego refuse to admit their fears to understand the issues presented by their women. When they got back together, they DO EXACTLY what they did before they broke up. Unless you resolve these fears that caused her to think you don't understand her, it would be wise for you to go slow which will allow you to face your fears, address them with her help and heal together. That's what a true relationship is all about and not counting and boasting how great creampies you had with her.

 

It is always in my belief that if the woman stays in your life, it meant that you still have something to resolve and that she is coming back to you to help you resolve it. You should rejoice and you should work on yourself to discover why you become so bitter, so miserable and so highly suspicious of her. What difference does it make if she banged that guy. It's not as though she was a virgin when she met you or was she? Most women these days are not virgin and men had banged them before you ever met her. But it's her you date and not her vagina!! If you're dating her vagina, then perhaps it is this imbalanced psychology that will always cause you to be alone, miserable and hateful to women.

 

Good luck!

Edited December 20, 2013 by happydate

[Never Again]

Just gotta unpack this a bit. Was she really "cheating" emotionally? I mean, its not like people internally think "okay, today, I'm going to go forge an emotional connection with someone outside of my relationship". I highly doubt she actively pursued a crush. Crushes just kinda spring up out of no where. It sounds to me like a crush sprung up, she couldn't get rid of it, she thought "oh ****" and left her relationship to avoid any sort of cheating.

 

Emotional cheating - which I *have* done (shame on me I know - I live in guilt eternally for that one), looks more like this: you have a crush, you acknowledge it, you seek to explore the emotional side of that crush while still dating someone else. Usually this includes talking with the crush openly about feelings for one another, etc. That's emotional cheating. Its actively seeking out and projecting the emotions that should be sacred in a relationship with someone else outside the relationship. A crush is a whole other ballgame.

 

I think there are different levels to it, I agree.

 

And yes, it's not like anything "deep" like love came into play. However, allowing herself to "develop feelings" is a little different than a crush. We're getting into wishy-washy terms here, but I would define "crush" as that vague chemistry or attraction that's just sort of there, but is easy to ignore.

 

Whether it was "emotional cheating" or simply attraction, it was strong enough where she didn't trust herself. I'm not saying this makes her a bad person, but it suggests that perhaps she doesn't know what she wants. She needs time to figure that out.