Another slap to the face.

[snowflakes88]

OP, you are desperate, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. It's painfully apparent to everyone in this thread, and it's painfully apparent to your bf too -- which is why he treats you the way he does. He's a grown man. He's not developmentally delayed. People don't have to learn to treat those they love with courtesy and thoughtfulness... for the most part, it comes naturally.

 

Add me to the list of women who have been where you are and can see very clearly where this is going. I've done what you're doing. Lecturing, explaining, giving last chances, talking in circles about what I deserved, what I was going to demand, what I expected, etc. It's useless. I wasn't going anywhere, and he knew it. You aren't going anywhere, and your bf knows it.

 

This relationship is dead in the water. The longer you stay, the farther away you put yourself from finding someone who will make you a priority and reciprocate your effort.

[veggirl]

OP, you are desperate, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. It's painfully apparent to everyone in this thread, and it's painfully apparent to your bf too -- which is why he treats you the way he does. He's a grown man. He's not developmentally delayed. People don't have to learn to treat those they love with courtesy and thoughtfulness... for the most part, it comes naturally.

 

Add me to the list of women who have been where you are and can see very clearly where this is going. I've done what you're doing. Lecturing, explaining, giving last chances, talking in circles about what I deserved, what I was going to demand, what I expected, etc. It's useless. I wasn't going anywhere, and he knew it. You aren't going anywhere, and your bf knows it.

 

This relationship is dead in the water. The longer you stay, the farther away you put yourself from finding someone who will make you a priority and reciprocate your effort.

 

Yep. OP I truly hope you realize we are all (or most of us) giving you advice from a Been there Done that place. We aren't just piling on and assuming the worst / being negative. Most of us have been where you are at and made the same mistakes you are making. While people are unique (to a point), there is also a lot of pattern in human behavior, and it is easy to recognize when you've been through it. Your bf is no different from any of our exes who did this us in this respect.

[MidwestUSA]

Ask to meet his ex at this dinner and then try to take her aside or call her later to ask why she dumped him. If she had similar experiences to you, you will know this is what he is like so you can dump him without a second thought.

 

^^^Priceless stuff right here. Sure, OP may disregard or rationalize it, but we here at LS would love to know!

Edited December 21, 2013 by MidwestUSA

[SER]

Update!

 

We had a few conversations over the holidays and it was also a big initial test of whether or not I really meant something to him to be invited to events with his friends/family and whether he'd invite me out for things. I didn't ask to go anywhere - I left it ALL up to him (didn't tell him that) for the holidays.

 

The Conversations - We had a serious talk the weekend just before the holidays and I asked him about everything and put it all out there for him. He apologized again for making dumb mistakes and that he just really wasn't thinking. He said that as far as not being invited to things, he stupidly assumed a lot of things like: I wouldn't be interested in playing nerdy board games, to which I responded how would he know if he never asked; I wouldn't make the effort to drive to his hometown just to hangout, to which I responded it's really not that far; and I wouldn't be interested in doing activities if they were during the time where I work. Which is fair, although depending on the activity, I can always just take the day off or even just a few hours off, which I told him.

 

He said that he was thinking about the relationship and talking with one of his best buds earlier that weekend about what was going on and realized that he didn't realize how one-sided the relationship was. He said he became complacent and he shouldn't have. He said (with watery eyes) that he'd never been with any girl who really took care of him and that cared so much/was so affectionate. I agreed and told him that yes, I seem to be putting forth most of the effort (although he is very affectionate). He told me that I'm the strong and professional type of woman that really has to be earned, that he can't just do the limited amount of work in the relationship and expect to keep me around/satisfied. We shifted the conversation to past relationships and he told me that a couple of break ups were due to long distance and just didn't work out, one was because she was just done/ready for something else, didn't give him a real reason at all otherwise (the ex I've referred to), and the other was lack of the same goals.

 

He then took the topic and said that he's always hated asking the hard questions and he didn't want to ask me the hard questions until I finished school since I had expressed that I wanted to leave the state and perhaps country for work. He was very afraid to ask even at that point because he was afraid to hear the answer... therefore also afraid to put so much effort if my answers weren't what worked with what he wanted. During this part of the conversation he was sniffling and had a few tears. He said that the couple of times where he asked, the girl didn't want the same thing and they were a deal breaker for him and it was emotionally upsetting. Then I told him that he can't keep avoiding it and that he needed to be straightforward with what he was wanting.

 

So he said, first question: Where do you really see us going? And I told him that he needed to answer that question first. His answer was that he can see us getting married and would like for that to happen. I told him that I can see the same if the effort situation was taken care of. He nodded and said, second question: Do you see yourself having kids? I told him I am fine either way, I don't have the desire to have children right now, but I do like the idea of having them should it happen. I asked him what he wanted and he said that he wants children. He said the answers I gave are the two that he never got and were the cause of the last serious relationship ending. At that point he had watery eyes and gave me a really big hug. We talked some more about the kids thing and then started talking about our generation and kids/no kids and just talked about things to a less deep extent for the rest of the night.

 

The Holidays - They were really great! I was invited to and attended Christmas Eve dinner with his family and I spent Christmas with mine since our dinners overlapped and since we both have traditions of spending Christmas Eve night with our parents. He came over and spent the day with my niece and nephews and they traded Christmas gifts the day after Christmas and we had a lot of fun playing with them and talking to my sister and brother-in-law all afternoon.

 

In between holidays, I was invited out to his hometown for every little get together he and his friends had and attended all but one night where I needed a break from the holiday drinking. I actually enjoyed playing "nerdy board games" a lot and even won once, which was neat. I've now officially met all of his childhood friends and we all had a really great time playing board games, drinking, and talking.

 

I was invited to the NYE party, which was hanging out at his friend's house and playing drinking games. I had a really great time and I felt very included and got to spend time with his friends. The ex girlfriend showed up as well and she was nice to me and we chatted only about whatever game we were playing. She also had some news for all the friends and it turn out she got engaged on Christmas. She left early to go be with her fiance for the final hour since he had to work that night (part time bartender). The rest of the night also went pretty fantastically and we stayed at his friend's house. We both stayed for another night and just hung out with his friends all day.

 

So, there's the big update... there's a few parts of the conversations that I left out I'm sure, but I think I got all of the major points. I had a feeling he was emotionally guarded and that seems to be somewhat what contributed to his lack of effort. We talked so openly that I feel like everything he said was genuine and I think his effort during the holiday break was exactly what I wanted to see. Time will tell if it continues.

 

Ever since we had the bigger talk, he's been much more affectionate and open and I feel like he's acting a little different towards me in a very positive way. He just seems... relieved and much more attached/happy.

 

Anyway, I didn't want to leave you guys hanging!

 

I hope you all had a great holiday season as well.

[winny]

Happy New Year!!!

 

It does sound like things are looking positive for you.

Hope it continues that way